Year Wrap Up, kind of depressing no?

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
cremate a child; find out that I'm pregnant twice in the same year; start blogging; take Abigail to Disney

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
don't make them

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
me and my sister

4. Did anyone close to you die?
my son

5. What countries/states did you visit?
Florida and the states in between Canada and Florida

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
a successful pregnancy; a summer off to spend with Abby and baby

7. What dates/events from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 15th - found out I was preggo; April 11th - the day I went into labour; April 13th - the day I delivered Blaine; June 29 - the day I snapped! September 17th - found out I was preggo; December 22nd - found out baby was a boy! Also, taking Abby to Florida on vacation; Niagara Falls with hubby

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
surviving

9. What was your biggest failure?
Blaine's death

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
only if mental counts

11. What was the best thing you bought?
wii ; trip to Florida

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my fellow blm's who embraced me and got me through the worst; my husband; my daughter

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
won't name names

14. Where did most of your money go?
food and daycare fees

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
having a baby

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
In My Bones - Blue Rodeo

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? sadder
b) thinner or fatter? fatter
c) richer or poorer? poorer in cash flow; richer in spirit

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
play with my daughter; cherish my pregnancy

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
scream

20. How did you spend Christmas?
cooking and cleaning

21. Which blogspot people did you meet this year?
only one IRL, Dana

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
yes, with my kids and hubby

23. How many one-night stands?
none

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Vampire Diaries

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
not hate but dislike

26. What was the best book you read?
"fearless" by Max Lucado

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The album Recovery. I discovered that while Eminem may not be a BLM he "gets it" The grief, the rage, the depression. It's amazing how someone like that can sum it all up. " I can't tell you how it really is I can only tell you what it feels like and right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe."

28. What did you want and get?
a baby

29. What did you want and not get?
a living baby

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
I've watched lots but they're mostly a blur, maybe "The Last Airbender"

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
dinner and a movie, 32

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not cremating my son

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
no fashion sense

34. What kept you sane?
God, friends, writing

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
no idea, maybe the guy from the V.D.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
abortion

37. Who did you miss?
Blaine

38. Who was the best new person you met?
that's a tough one because I have met so many amazing women online, friends and sisters.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
life is incredibly unfair; not only do bad things happen to good people but the worst of things happen to the best people; I can survive almost anything.

Rest from the Holidays

Today I think everything caught up with me. The hustle and bustle that has been my past week. I haven't slept too much these past couple of days because Abby has a bad cough and cold. I've had to do way too much housekeeping for my liking! And then there's the emotions of it all. Today it all caught up and I spent until about 1:30pm on the couch. Me on one end and my daughter on the other watching hours of stupid cartoons. Finally I dragged us up and we went for a walk and now I'm making leftovers into a stew. I'm feeling a little bitter today. It boggles my mind that I can spend all of Christmas day with people, "family" and they don't once mention Blaine. And all of the next day with my "family" and they can't mention him. The more I think about it the more I'm just disgusted with all of them. My in laws and my family. I guess once someone's been cremated they're out of the family. I don't even think I was expecting anything better or more. So, I really shouldn't be all that surprised. At least today I got to wallow and rest. To take the time to just reflect on what the past week has been and what it should have been. I will be glad for this year to be over. I have this whole speech prepared for them all once I give birth to Caleb. How I'm going to tell them that I want them to spend only the amount of energy and thought on Caleb as they did on Blaine. How they get to see Caleb as often as they mentioned Blaine. I know that sounds really unfair and bitter.
Today I got some bad news about a family friend. I wasn't even aware she was pregnant. But she is about 3 months pregnant with twins and they have died. She hasn't delivered them yet. We all know what an incredibly hard time she must be going through right now. Please say a prayer for her. That medically she will soon be past this and that emotionally she can find some peace with it.

Christmas

Christmas was not too bad. I think I was just so busy that I didn't have time to dwell on any of the negative. Not surprisingly no one mentioned Blaine or what was missing. Everyone was too wrapped up in what they got for Christmas or what the living kids were doing. That is everyone except Big Sis. She knows Christmas is Jesus birthday and she wondered if Blaine was at the birthday party and what they were doing. I said he's probably eating a really big piece of cake with lots of chocolate icing (a corner piece no doubt) and she replied "do you think he'll send me a piece?" lol How easy it is for kids to just take what you say as matter of fact. She and I talked about Blaine throughout the weekend. I know Daddy was thinking about him too. For Daddy's family, who we spent Christmas Day with, the day is mostly about what kind of presents they get. They're not believers and they are materialistic. So, it's all about money and toys. At my Mom's house yesterday I napped most of the afternoon, my sister came by with the kids and we all had dinner together. I loved playing with my nieces...even the baby. I held that baby most of the night. I spiked her hair up and I could see the way Daddy was looking at me. The look in his eyes like he was thinking what I was thinking, should have been Blaine on my lap. There were some sad moments like that but all in all it was peaceful. Big Sis was sick on Christmas Day and I was doing all of the cooking so I kept busy. Papa came for the weekend and brought a baby hat, sweater and blanket that our Aunt knit. She actually knit if for Blaine but no one told me. She never mentioned it until we got pregnant with Caleb. Now it will be for Caleb. I'm okay with that. Since, I never knew it was Blaine's it doesn't really belong to him. It coincidentally is a really nice shade of yellow. Caleb will look so cute in it. So, Christmas is over for another year. Thanks to everyone who sent us cards and notes. They were much appreciated.

Rediscovered Dreams

Today was a big day. I had my 18 week ultrasound today. My plan was to have my doctor write the sex of the baby on a Christmas card and we would read it on Christmas day. But Monkey had other plans. When it was my turn to look at the monitor Monkey decided to moon me. In between two perfect almond shaped butt cheeks there was clearly something dangling! Monkey is a boy!! A stubborn one too, kept moving in the wrong direction and putting his hand up to cover himself so we couldn't get good shots of everything.
I have never felt so much joy to see a penis in my life! That sounds weird I know. I totally would have been happy if I were having a girl, any living child would have been fine with me. There is something special about this baby being a boy though. Not that he will be a replacement for the boy we lost but it does mean that all of the hopes and dreams I had for a son are back. I will get to watch Daddy teach him to play ball and I'll get to dress him in sweater vests and ties! I get to watch Daddy teach him to shave and big sis teach him where to stash stuff she doesn't want Momma to find. I get a daughter in law and maybe one day I'll get to hold my son's son. I always thought I could raise the perfect man, well dressed, well mannered, a true gentleman, strong and sensitive. A momma's boy but a sporty one who's popular and kind. A man who loves his momma, his family and his God. All of those dreams were dashed away but I have hope in them once again.
I have been on cloud nine all day. Even with a bit of a nasty cold. Nothing could have wrecked today for me. Tonight I caught up with some blogs and wept. Tears of sadness and of joy. Joy that my prayers have been answered, and Lisa's! A friend from work who has been praying not just for the baby's health but that the baby be a boy! But there is a sadness for the boy that isn't here, for all of our babies lost this year. The boy who I will not get to share all of the above things with. My first born son. My first dead son. I hope the only child I will ever have to cremate. I wonder if every good thing in my life from now on will be just as bittersweet.

Milestones

For most 17 weeks is not a milestone. It doesn't mark any significant time or action in a regular pregnancy. For me though, it was huge. Today I am 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I was the same when Blaine was born. I was 17 weeks and 1 day when I went into labour. While logically I know that the chances of the exact same thing happening were next to none Friday was still a scary day. I wiped more often just to make sure. I didn't feel much movement on Friday but Saturday Monkey made up for it. None stop karate kicks and punches. The next big thing is Christmas. I'm scared something will happen on Christmas Eve or Day and it will ruin it for Abby. And then there's January 15th, the day I found out I was pregnant with Blaine. I could lose the Monkey on that day. I know I'm catastrophizing and nothing is likely to happen. I have these moments where I feel so good and positive and then they are usually overshadowed by fear that my bubble will burst. That I'm being set up for a loss. Another surprise. What is that scripture that says "do not fear for tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself?" That's what I'm trying to do but it's difficult.

Ouch Moments

Today I did the majority of my Christmas shopping. Yes, I take time off work to shop! I avoided anything to do with "Baby's First Christmas" and stuck to my list. I only snuck one little peek into the baby section of the store. I was doing fine. Got everything I wanted for my daughter and hubby. Got my mom's gift. Just have three more things to pick up and I'm done!! Then I was walking through this one store. I'm not normally a label person but there's one brand of sports clothes that I like, you know the kind Sue wears on Glee?!?! My favourite brand. There was a whole rack of cute little jogging suits for baby boys in this store. I teared up a little because trust me Blaine would have had the red and the blue set under the tree! I almost thought to buy one for Monkey but what if I'm wrong and Monkey is a girl. Daddy's not going to let her wear a boy's jogging suit around. I know it probably sounds silly but things like that I am missing out on and it makes me sad. I'm not one of those people who think Christmas is just about gifts but I do like to spoil my kid and I would have spoiled Blaine too. Even at just 4 months he would have had a full stocking and lots of gifts. I would have snuck him a little taste of mashed potatoes and maybe some cranberry sauce or bread pudding. He's be staring googly eyed at the dancing lights on the Christmas tree. He would have looked really cute in that blue jogging suit!!
So, my cousin who is having a boy and agreed to give him Blaine as a middle name has retracted her agreement. I'm a little bitter. She said she agreed because she didn't want to hurt my feelings but already had a name picked out. WHATEVER! I was planning a preggo girl get together at the spa with her and a friend of mine but now I kind of want to forget about going with her and just go with my friend. I know that sounds childish and I understand her agreeing to spare my feelings but once you agree to something like that you can't go back on it. It would be as much an honour for HER SON to be named after one of my children as it would be for me.
Anyways, I've had some ouch moments this week but in general I'm feeling pretty good about the holidays and the Monkey.

Photos

Two new name photos courtesy of my friend Lisa, we used to work together but now she has embarked on adventures in babysitting! She had a friend take these in Jamaica! Blaine basking in the sun.

The Baby Shower

The baby shower. It wasn't that bad. I ate a lot. There were two kids there other than Abby, both boys, one about 1 and a half and the other 4 years old. She kept them entertained. It didn't bother me to see her playing with the little toddler boy. The only ouch moment I had with the kids was the older boy was wearing a sweater vest. That sounds silly but when I picture Blaine I always picture him in a sweater vest. I worked really hard at balancing what to say and what not to say. I wanted to be sensitive enough to the expecting mom not to mention Blaine but didn't want to deny his existence either. I found myself answering questions about my family and this pregnancy in stealth mode. I picked out the parts of the questions that had nothing to do with him and just answered them. I felt a little bad for doing that but a baby shower for a first time mom is not the place to drop the dead baby bomb. So, when I was asked if Abby was our only child I just pointed out "I'm four months pregnant." And when told that we waited a good amount of time to have another child I just answered "Abby is old enough to do a lot of things on her own now." Omitting without denying. It was tough and because I was consciously doing that I found myself focused on him most of the night, which wasn't such a sad thing. My husband was talking to someone and I could hear him asking them if they were going to just have the one child or start trying soon for another and I thought to myself he shouldn't ask those questions. What if they are BLP? I don't think they were but you never know and questions like that are loaded ones. I don't think I'll ever ask stuff like that again. So, it wasn't that bad of an evening. We all had a good time and weren't out that late.
I realized that for now I can't read any new BLM stories. The ones I already know are ingrained in me but I can't read any new ones. I start to worry that what happened to them is going to happen to me. Yesterday I had a pain in my side and I had just read a new story the day before so for like an hour yesterday I was convinced that what happened to that mom was happening to me. I'm a bit too much of a hypochondriac.

Swirling Emotions

These past few days have been really emotional for me. I've been on the verge of tears since the candle lighting on Wednesday night. And I've had a couple of moments of bitterness. I was just restruck with the unfairness of it all. It's unfair that instead of buying Blaine presents this year I am lighting a candle in his memory. It's unfair that I have to watch some piece of trash on the subway screaming at her two little boys while I wear mine in a pendant around my neck. I feel lonely. I feel anxious. I can always tell when it's a bad week by my anxiety levels. I had a panic attack on the way to work on Tuesday. I cried at my desk on Wednesday, something which is not easy to do since we all sit right beside each other in little pods without walls so everyone can see what everyone else is doing. So I basically have to pretend I'm rummaging in my drawer for something and wipe my tears away so the guy beside me doesn't freak out that I'm crying. He already worries too much about me. I had irrational fears of something happening to Abby on Thursday and Friday. I am great at catastrophizing as the therapist used to tell me. As excited as I am about Christmas and the new baby I think the emotions of it all have finally gotten to me. I'm just exhausted by the ups and downs. The excitement mingled with fear, anxiety, love, grief, bitterness, joy. It's amazing how you can feel an entire kaleidoscope of emotion all at the same time. The problem with that is it takes a physical toll on you. Your mind can't handle all of those feelings at once. It's not "normal."
Tonight we're headed to a baby shower which I'm actually okay with. The first time I saw this woman pregnant it was pretty tough because she was at 17 weeks and innocently thinking her baby was safe. But I'm okay with it now and I don't think I'm going to have any issues at the shower.
Found out by text the other day that my cousin is having a boy. I was a little sad and teared up, not because I wish she weren't having a boy but because my first thought was how nice it was to find out and how I didn't know for sure that Blaine was a boy until he was dead. I asked her if she would give her boy the name Blaine as a middle name and she agreed! That means a lot to me, his name will live on in our family and one day I will tell his little cousin who he is named after. It's the little things like that that are the most precious to me now. I will never be able to express to her how much it means to me that she agreed to do that.

Candle Lighting

Last night we attended a candle lighting service, hosted by our local bereavement group. It was much more emotional than I anticipated. I cried from start to finish, barely even able to coherently introduce Blaine as we lit our candle. Here is one of the poems that was read at the ceremony...

"I will light a candle for you" by Paul Alexander

And I will light a candle for you

To shatter all the darkness and bless

the times we knew

Like a beacon in the night

The flame will burn bright and

guide us on our way

Oh today I light a candle for you

The seasons come and go

And I'm weary from the change

I keep moving on, you know it's not the same

And when I'm walking all alone

Do you hear me call your name?

Do you hear me sing the songs we used to sing?

You filled my life with wonder

touched me with surprise

Always saw that something special

deep within your eyes

And through the good times and the bad

we carried on with pride"

Deja Vu

Or another apt title "The second worst night of my life." Coincidentally it all began with a wipe. At 9:20 last night I went to the washroom, wiped and there was a large blob of mucous. I immediately thought it was my mucous plug. It was about 3 to 4 inches long and looked like a fat worm. It was yellowish white. Of course I rushed to the computer and googled. The images that came up looked exactly like what I had but I had no blood in mine. Usually the plug includes some bleeding. I called this 24 hour nurse help line and they advised that I should see my doctor within 24 hours. Hubby and I decided not to wait but to go to the ER. I was already crying, sobbing actually. He called his sister to come watch Abby. I could hear him on the phone, he could barely say the words. My heart broke. I could only think that my body was killing another one of his babies. His sister arrived and I scraped myself up long enough to change out of my pj's and into some jeans and a sweater. I could barely get my socks on I was crying so hard. I called my mom and said "we're on our way to the hospital." She cried out "why" and I could hear the pain and emotion in her voice. She was losing another grandchild. We drove to the hospital and into the same parking lot we parked in in April. We parked one row forward and a couple spots down from where we parked April 12th.
Talk about deja vu. I held his arm and we walked into the ER just like we did so many nights ago. I immediately recognized the woman at registration and one of the nurses behind the desk. Luckily it was a slow night so we got a room right away. It thankfully was in a seperate area then last time but it was the same room I was in in August when I had the ecotopic. I lay down on the bed which was extremely uncomfortable, it was actually an exam table not a bed. I covered myself in the blanket and cried. I made a to do list. All the things I had to do now that I was losing another baby. Who I had to tell, calendars I had to burn, funeral plans to make, I would have to spend my Christmas shopping money on funeral arrangements. I wondered to myself how I would carry the monkey's ashes around. I couldn't exactly open the pendant that carries Blaine because it is sealed. I thought it would be nice to bury him up at Papa's in the garden but I didn't know if it was legal or not to do that and would the hospital let me take the body. And where would we store him til the spring? All of these things played through my mind, endlessly. I worried about other people too. How would I tell the guy I sit next to at work (I know that sounds strange). He is always asking how I am and worries about me everytime I'm even a couple minutes late. I worried mostly for Abby. She would wake up and I wouldn't be there, just like back then. I would have to come home from the hospital again and tell her the baby is in Heaven. How many dead babies before she starts to hate Heaven?
My hubby paced. He's strong, always strong for me, keeping me calm. But I could see the emotion on his face. He turned his phone on and went online searching for alternative answers to the mucous. Two things got me through this, one my husband who kept telling me all these other possibilities and who read stories of women who lost their plug early but still had babies. He is always the optimist. He is the light to my dark. Second, I shouted out in my head a prayer, "Father don't leave me, just stay with me here." That's it. No plea for the baby. No long winded promise of things I'll do forever if he saves the baby. Just be with me. And so the two most important men in my life picked me up and kept me from falling apart. I felt more calm and was even able to have a nap before the doctor came.
Finally at about 1am a Dr came in and gave me an u/s. I woke up and looked at him and thought for a second it was Doogie! It wasn't though, just a replica. He did an u/s and we woke up monkey! He was sleeping peacefully and actually looked like he was having a bit of a tantrum being woken up! he kept squirming away from the probe but we saw the strong heartbeat, his hands, his feet, elbows and knees. The Dr tried to assure me that this meant everything was fine but I said no, that doesn't mean anything. We had an u/s when we got to the hospital with Blaine too and he was fine. It's not the baby it's me! He said he'd get the gynecologist to come and do an internal exam. We waited until 3:30 am. We talked a bit, I napped some more. We joked about how I'd have to go on bedrest for 20 weeks. The resident gyno came and gave me an internal exam. Thank God everything was fine. Cervix is long and closed. She said the mucous was just built up in there and all came out at once whereas usually it comes out a little at a time. Thank God! The monkey was safe and sound. Hubby and I held each other and I could see his eyes tear up with joy. We finally got out of the ER at 5am.
Last night was a walk down memory lane. It was a fresh reminder that living is a day to day activity. It was validation for me that I need this baby. I also realized more than ever that this baby is linked to Blaine in so many ways. In a good way, this is the replacement baby. This is the baby that will complete our family. I hate it when parents put expectations on their kids and their kids are born with these "jobs." And here I am, I've given this baby the biggest job of all. Monkey has to live. Because Blaine didn't. And we don't want to hurt like that again. I thought about Blaine all night. About how I failed him. All of the things I did wrong when he was born. The things I missed out on like bathing him, wrapping him in a blankie, taking photos, taking his hand and foot prints. I made the decision on the drive to the hospital that if Monkey was going we would do all of those things. We would cherish the few hours we got with him, even if it was just his body. But luckily I didn't have to do those things. And for the first time I don't think I'll ever have to. I think Monkey's going to make it.

I've had this in my head for the Monkey since I found out I was pregnant

"So afraid to love you but more afraid to lose
clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
once there was a darkness, a deep and endless night
you gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light"

I will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan

Different

This time around I am doing a lot of things different in my pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Abigail I was really uneducated about what you should and shouldn't do. I knew the obvious things to stay away from but was never told to stay away from sushi and deli meats and soft serve ice cream and coffee. I probably did a lot of things with her that you're not supposed to and lo and behold she was a healthy 7 pound 1.4 ounce little nut job. With Blaine I did everything right. I didn't eat or drink anything I wasn't supposed to. Stopped drinking coffee until 13 weeks when I started allwoing myself one or two a week. I was very strict about being safe. And he died. This time around I have learnt moderation. Partly because I realize now that you can do everything right and still get the wrong result. And partly, sadly, because I'm not 100% positive I'm going to get to keep this baby. Why deny myself a cup of coffee for a dead baby? That sounds horrible as I write it down but the thoughts are in my head. I worry all the time. I check for blood EVERYTIME I go to the bathroom. No exaggeration, everytime I've gone to the bathroom since I found out I was pregnant I have checked for blood. If I haven't felt a movement for a day or two (like today) I go into panic mode. Haven't felt the monkey move today or yesterday so I'm pretty sure this is the end. However, I've been sure of that twice before and been gladly wrong. It's just part of the paranoia. I know dozens of ways that this baby could die, dozens of ways my body could fail it. I know too much this time around.
There are some positive things though. I have taken some belly shots which I didn't do with Abby or Blaine. I bought the monkey some stuff already (a stuffed monkey and a blankie). I rub my belly all the time, enjoying every minute of knowing there's a baby in there.
So, this time around is very different. It's strange and surreal. As I said before I feel like I've been pregnant all year so it still feels odd to me. Sometimes I think I'm not really pregnant. Sometimes I'm daydreaming about bringing this baby home and I call him Blaine. This is definitely an emotional ride. I'm glad I'm on it but I'm increasingly nervous.

Uckiness Gone!

Well today I am feeling much better but Abby vomited again last night :(. Took her to the walk in clinic and it is the stomach flu so the poor girl is on a strictly fluid diet for the next 24 hours and then just plain foods after that for another day or two. Hubby is on his way home from work so I can rest. Didn't sleep much last night because I was sleeping with her and everytime she moved or made a noise I thought she was going to throw up and would jump up and grab the bowl for her to throw up in. I'm exhausted. It's amazing how lack of sleep can also make you more emotional. As I've mentioned a hundred times already I am still excited about Christmas. But as we walked home from the clinic we passed some stores selling decorations and of course I thought of Blaine. This one store sells kids clothes and they have all of these cute little outfits and bath robes in the window. I know we would have gotten him the Maple Leaf bath robe. And I probably would have bought him a Yankee shirt just to tease Daddy!
I remember this time last year. I was eagerly waiting for Aunt Flo to come! We had decided December was the month we were going to start trying to get pregnant. For the first time I couldn't wait for my period to come! I used an online calculator to determine when I would be ovulating. Now it was just waiting. Waiting for December 22 - 25 to come around. I was so excited, I'd get to be pregnant by Christmas even if it was just a day or two! And I was. We had not trouble at all. Here I am pregnant at Christmas again. But without the baby from last year. I feel like I've been pregnant all year. Though I'm not complaining about being pregnant because I know I am blessed, I will feel glad to get my body back. This is something I get emotional about these days. How fat I've gotten, how rundown I feel, how my entire focus this year has been on being pregnant and having a baby. My focus is usually number one on my family but not like this. This year I have been obsessed with it. It's one of the reasons why I made the decision that this was it, my last pregnancy. Good or bad.

Ucky

That's how I have felt the past couple of days. The stomach flu has attacked me and Big Sis. I haven't felt that sick in awhile but at least I'm feeling a little better today. The headache is gone and I'm not feeling as groggy. Will be back at work tomorrow most likely. And I do think I lost a pound or two! Now my belly looks more pregnant and less bloated. Maybe I will get a seat on the subway now.
I got to walk Abby to school today since I was home. I stay away from the mom's with strollers crowd. Don't need to be reminded that I should be at home this year with my little Blaine. It was cold today, he would have had to wear his winter outfit. And his Maple Leafs hat and mittens.
Had a stupid cry today. Watching Hannah Montana with Abby (no that's not why I was crying although that's sad enough) and her horse was sick and might die. I just started sobbing that who cares if her horse dies, my son died. I have no idea where that all came from.
Hope to be back to physical normality by tomorrow.

Surprise Presents

This was the first email I opened at work today. It was titled "Blaine in China." This is Blaine's name written in Chinese at the Great Wall of China. My friend Liz at work did this for me as a surprise birthday gift. Liz is one of those rare "BM's" who have actually taken time to "get" the whole "BLM" thing. Liz could write a book to tell friends and family what to do and say when someone you know loses a child. I had to surpress tears of joy at my desk looking at this. It was a perfect bday present. Love it love it love it.
Another pleasant surprise, my supervisor and someone I consider to be a friend and mentor took me out for a bday luncheon. It was nice to go out for lunch and just chit chat. And work has been really busy for me lately and I haven't taken a proper lunch in over a week so that was nice too.
And now time to finish my candy cane cheesecake! I love being spoiled.

Older and Wiser

Growing up I always had a timeline. By 25 I expected to have my first child and I was indeed pregnant when I was 25 although Abby came at 26. I thought I'd have 4 kids by the time I was 35. I have two kids, one living, one dead, plus I had an ecotopic pregnancy and am now pregnant again. So I guess I am on schedule with that as well. Today I turn 32. This is the first birthday I've had where I can say, yes I do feel older and wiser than the last birthday. I have learnt a whole array of things this year, some good and some bad. Most are lessons I thought I'd get to skip in this life. I feel I've aged 10 years in 2010, physically and mentally.
This year I have learnt that I can overcome almost anything. I've looked into the face of insanity and walked away intact. I've learnt that the people who love you aren't necessarily going to be there for you when you hit rock bottom and that the people you never expected will step up and take your hand. I have learnt that nothing compares to the loss of a child, not a scorned love or loss of a friend or cousin or uncle or parent. It is a grief that swallows you whole. Not an hour of the day goes by that I don't think about him. Not a night goes by that he is not in my dreams. To truly move on from grief you need to accept and focus on the positive. But even now that I am able to do these things and able to live a somewhat normal (or NEW normal) existence I am still a BLM. Forever being Blaine's mom means that I will forever be a Dead Baby Momma. This year I have learnt that that is not all bad. While it's not something I'd willingly choose it does come with hope. It comes with a community of love and support. Like this world has never seen. I imagine what us BLM's could accomplish if we all put our heads together! I've learnt the internet is not all evil. That in your weakest moment you can hit google search and find support and love and friendship. I will never take that for granted again and I will always be thankful that I had those resources. I've learnt that my husband is a great man and a great father. I've learnt my daughter is one of my heroes, so strong, so sweet, and the most faithful person I know. I've learnt that God really does love me. I've learnt that if I lost everything in this life I would still have Him, I would have enough.
I have a new timeline now. But it's just one year. By 33 I plan on having a second living child. I will be stronger and happier and even wiser. I will live each day of the next year like it's my last and enjoy the moments I have with my family and friends. I will continue to marvel at all of the things a 5 year old can teach me about life and love. I will continue to care for my son and keep him an active part of our lives.

Rambling

Nothing is better than a lazy Saturday. I love them. Taking Abby to karate and then coming home, relaxing, maybe some cleaning, some internet time, some tea or coffee and maybe a pastry from the bakery. Nothing to do but relax and enjoy the day off work.
Tomorrow we are decorating our place for Christmas. I love Christmas which is why I will probably mention it everyday until the 28th! I can't wait to decorate and watch Abby putting the ornaments on the tree. We went to a craft sale and she picked out a homemade butterfly ornament for Blaine. We wrote his name on it. I'm glad I get to involve her in these things. It's comforting to see her remembering him and talking about him. I know she will carry him with her for all of her life.
At karate today there was a new little guy in class and him and his mom were playing before class started. It broke my heart a little because I would love to be playing and cuddling with Blaine, chasing him around, tickling him and twirling him in the air. I know one day I will get to but it doesn't seem soon enough. Believing in heaven makes things much easier but it seems so far away sometimes.
This post is everywhere but that's my head these days. I am everywhere and feeling everything. Blogs are a mixed bag because I am a mixed bag.
Tomorrow is my birthday so hubby and I are shipping Abby off to Grandmas and spending a quiet evening together. This might be TMI but we haven't "you know" since I found out I was pregnant. I'm terrified we'll pop something. I know that sounds extremely paranoid but I feel like I need to keep that area specifically for the baby right now. So, that leaves me feeling very self conscious and my self esteem is kind of taking a hit. I'm really fat right now. I'm not "you knowing" with him. I feel like I'm a horrible wife right now but for the immediate present I need to be all about me.
So, I am rambling. Sometimes you got to!
I hope she doesn't mind me doing this but I'm asking anyone reading this to please stop for a minute and say a prayer for my BLM friend Dana. She is having a rough time right now and my heart is broken for her. If you've read this post please stop right now and pray for her. Let our prayers send Jesus himself to her to surround her with love and hugs.

Not so Bad

I saw Dr Sasquatch today. He has gotten a haircut since April 13th. Other than that he looked the same. I was sitting in the chair and he turned the corner and I looked up and there he was. I remembered how he looked when he ran into the room after Blaine was born, throwing his coat off into the chair and rushing to see Blaine. And miracle, he remembered me! He said I looked different though, I said "ya I haven't been sitting in the hospital for two days." I gave him a brief reminder about what happened in April and told him about my ecotopic in August. He gave me his condolences and said how sorry he was that I lost the baby in April and that was a horrible time in my life. I like that he said that. And sounded sincere too. I've decided to keep seeing him for my care in this pregnancy. I feel like he gets it. And he has a plan and that's what I need, a man with a plan! He mapped it all out, what we're going to do and what if this happens or that happens. And I get an ultrasound every two weeks!! yeah!! So, once the inital feeling wore off of seeing him after all this time I felt good and relaxed with him. And his hands weren't nearly as big as I remembered! And he remembered Blaine. With all of the dead and living babies he has seen in the past 7 months something about us stuck out. That made me feel like Blaine was important to someone outside our little family. On a humourous note, he shares an office with someone so I'm not sure who they belong to but there are some weird posters up. One room I was in had a poster of a pantless Burt Reynolds (maybe late 1970's). He had his back to the camera so you can't see anything but his hairy butt and someone covered that with a post it note! lol And then in the next room there's pictures of a topless Tom Selleck playing volleyball! (again late 70's) Strange.

Untitled

Haven't written since Tuesday. My mind is just full up of stuff right now. I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around me. As I approach 17 weeks with this pregnancy I am increasingly anxious. Every pain, every cramp makes me worry. Sadly the only peace of mind I've been able to come to is that if the baby does die I know it will not crush me. I know I am strong enough to survive it. So, I am waiting. Blaine was born the day before my wedding anniversary. My birthday is on the 28th so I have this fear that I will lose this baby around my birthday. That another special day this year will be tarnished. I tell myself I will feel better after my u/s this afternoon. But really that will only give me peace for a week or two. I know if the results are positive then at least my cervix is good for another couple of weeks. Then I will go into anxiety mode again. I want to go to my appt with Dr. Sasquatch tomorrow and have him tell me that everything is going to be alright and that this time around there is a 100% chance the baby will live.
Saturday I went to do some Christmas shopping with my mom and sister. They just opened up a really cute kids clothing store. It is a BLM nightmare. As soon as you walk in down the main aisle is all of the cutesy "Baby's First Christmas" and "Santa's Favourite" crap. Then I turn to my right and it's the baby boy section. I, being a masochist, had to have a closer look. I drooled over the "Mommy's Little Monster," "No Girls Allowed (except Mommy)" and "Little Bro" shirts. I would have bought Blaine one of each. I could barely breath. But I kept it together because my mom and sister and daughter were loving the place. I bought my newest niece a cute little outfit and my daughter some hairbands. And then I did something totally wacky. I bought something for the little bean (who I now call my little monkey). I bought him a very soft little blankie to come home in and I bought him a little stuffed monkey. I am convinced now I'm having a boy although as long as they come home alive I don't really care. So, the little monkey now has stuff. They have stuff to come home to. It made me feel a little better to do that. I kept it together until later on in the evening and then I cried. I cried because my mom bought my niece a baby's first Christmas shirt. And not Blaine. Not that I expected her to buy a shirt for a dead baby but I expect that he should be here to wear the shirt! I know Christmas will be tough. My in laws are coming here Christmas day. They won't mention him. They never have. Not even to say "sorry you lost your baby." The only emotion they handle well is anger. And that's fine. I will have time in the morning with my husband and in the evening to think of Blaine and talk about him. I know my mom will most likely say something when we go over there boxing day. And I know my sister still thinks of him. That's enough for me. As long as the people who would have been important to him still care that is enough. Everyone else can go about their lives and holidays. We will find a way to remember him and keep him in the celebration.

Thankful

The writing challenge for Faces Of Loss, Faces of Hope this month is "Thanksgiving."

I truly am thankful. And I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm going to do this as a list but not in any particular order.

I am thankful for my family, my hubby and my daughter
I am thankful for the beanie baby growing inside me
I am thankful for the short time I had with Blaine
I am thankful for what I have gained since I lost Blaine, the knowledge, the strength, the spirit, the friendships.
I am thankful for stupid T.V. shows and books which keep my mind occupied
I am thankful for a job where I can be myself, even on those days when I have to go into the bathroom stall and cry
I am thankful for friendships, the old that are still around and the new
I am thankful for God and the strength he has given me
I am thankful that I didn't let the darkness overwhelm me, that I didn't become bitter and resentful
I am thankful for all of the programs that are out there that reach out to women like me, groups like PBSO who helped me maintain my sanity!

There is probably so much more I should put. All I have to do is watch the news to know how lucky I am. It's so easy sometimes to put on a "woe is me" face and feel as if the world is out to get me. I have lost the most important thing in the world, one of my children. But even with such great loss I have so many blessings. And now when I start to feel bitter or angry at the world I just keep that in mind.

What I Mourn The Most

It's so easy in the early stages to get wrapped up in what I lost and what I miss. I was so self absorbed, worried about how I would move on and what MY life would be like in the future. Now that I have come to a peaceful place with myself I find the things I miss and mourn the most are not for me but for others. Others who have lost so much and not gained what I have. I mourn for my daughter who has lost her little brother. Who will never walk him to school holding hands or fight over the remote control. Who will never yell at him to get out of her room or cuddle up with him in the backseat of the car on the way to Papa's. She doesn't get to sit in the rocking chair and hold her baby brother. When she talks about him to her friends and teacher she is talking about an angel waiting for her in heaven (and she talks about him a lot!). Big Sis has handled it so well, as only an innocent child can. She very matter of factly said "I'm not sad, I'll see him when I go to Heaven." And that's her reality.
I mourn for my hubby. Everytime I see a boy and his Daddy on the subway or I see a commercial with a Daddy and his son playing sports or watching a game together. He doesn't get to take his son to hockey games and baseball games. He doesn't get to teach him how to shave or drive a car. Daddy won't teach Blaine how to make Momma and Sissy's favourite pancakes. Everytime I see a father and son I think of what he's lost.
I mourn for my parents who had to watch their daughter lose her baby. They sat in the hospital room and I knew they would have done anything to take my pain. My Mom is usually the emotional mess in the family but she kept it together for me that day. My Dad hates hospitals and Blaine's was the only birth he's ever attended. And I love them for that.
I mourn for my nephew who had to tell his Auntie he's sorry she lost the baby. And for my sister who still calls Blaine her nephew, and I love that.
These are the things that make me the saddest now. I know what I have lost and have come to peace with that. I know I have an eternity with Blaine waiting for me once I've finished what I am here to do in this life. I know he is up there planting my garden! When I get there he's going to have a big party waiting for me and the two of us are going to spend so much time just getting to know each other. It is harder to come to peace with what others have lost though.

Outsiders

I'm sitting here crying right now. I don't really have a reason. I am extremely emotional today and was last night as well. Last night I found myself crying in bed because of work. I never cry over work, I just don't care enough to cry over it. But I'm covering vacations and while I'm still not that busy I'm terrified. I'm scared I'm going to screw up someone else's work while they're gone. I'm scared I'm going to have to go off on bedrest and not be able to work. I'm scared of letting people down because I really am not in a secure place right now. I'm feeling much better but my self esteem has still taken a blow. And that's something I'm still working on. I used to be so confident, almost cocky. Now I am always worried to make a decision in case it's the wrong one. I'm scared stressing over all of this will make me lose this baby and then I won't be able to return to work because I'll hate it and blame it.
Right now I'm crying because I cried last night and I feel stupid.
I had two good conversations at work today. Finally someone asked me about my necklace! She came over and touched it and said it was really nice. There was a bit of an awkward moment when I told her what it was and she looked as if I had just burned her finger. But she kept asking me questions and wanted to know all about it and where I got it. So, it was still nice.
A good friend of mine at work asked me about this blog and other mom's blogs that I read. She wondered if it made me feel worse or better. I told her at the beginning it made me feel so much better because I knew I was not alone and I had so many women to talk to. Now it is just part of my life. This is the world I live in now. She asked about the photos, how some women post photos of their babies living and dead on their blogs. I explained that I have photos of my living child all around so why would they not have photos of their children around. I know to her it seems morbid and she doesn't understand. I told her I hope she never understands because you really have to be a BLM to get it. I told her someone could walk in the room with a dead baby and I wouldn't flinch. This is just my reality now. I'm glad she asked though and that we got to talk about it. She wasn't rude or disgusted. She was just really curious and that's totally understandable. I know "outsiders" will never totally get it but at least there are some out there who are willing to try. I wonder what I would have thought had I stumbled on the community on April 10th. Before I found myself having to google "pregnancy loss." I wonder what I would think of my own blog if I were looking at him from someone else's perspective. Would I think that I was dwelling on death and negativity or would I be able to see the hope and beauty in it?Would I see Blaine in it?

I am a Woman of Winter

THE MOURNERS DIDN’T CAUSE HIM TO STOP. Nor did the large crowd, or even the body of the dead man on the stretcher. It was the woman—the look on her face and the redness in her eyes. He knew immediately what was happening. It was her son who was being carried out, her only son. And if anyone knows the pain that comes from losing your only son, God does…. (Luke 7:11-17)

This is an excerpt from Max Lucado's "God Came Near." I receive weekly emails from his website and each week is a different topic/excerpt. This one was a real aha moment. I find even when you think something to actually see someone write it down makes it more convincing. Yes He does understand because He lost his son too.
I remember years ago watching "The Passion of the Christ" and this was before I even had kids. I felt so horrible for Mary. Watching what her son went through. I remember the scene where He is carrying the cross and she flashes back to when He was a boy and fell and skinned his knee. She rushes to him just like any other mother would, crying out his name.
The story of Jesus is so well known and yet we still forget these details. The details of his parents and what they lost. I wonder if years from now people will forget what I have lost. I'm not even half as famous! My story has not been read by billions. I do not have a spec of the importance that they have. I'm just a woman of winter. Getting along without my only son. Years from now if one of my nieces loses a baby or a friends daughter and I mention Blaine will they say "oh I forgot you had lost a baby too." Will they be surprised because I seem so strong and put together. Or will I still be this sad Mother? Will I be able to keep him alive in me for the rest of my time on Earth? Will I make sure my story always includes him? I know I am changed forever but by how much? Time does make things easier and with time I will forget certain details. I will forget how dark those first months were. Winter will become Spring and Spring will become Summer. How will I keep him alive so that everyone who comes after will know that he was here?

Dream

Love it! This is Blaine's page in the Memorial Sketchbook created by Anchored by Hope. It's beautiful and perfectly yellow!

I had the best dream last night. I was with Blaine and another little boy. Blaine looked just like Big Sis did when she was about one and a half. But he was four or five in my dream. We were playing hide and seek and the other kid was looking for us. I knew we were going to get found because everytime Blaine looked at me he got a big smile on his face and giggled. I could have dreamt that dream for days. Put me in a coma and let me dream that dream.

Update

I've been taking an internet break. I had two somewhat scary moments with this pregnancy and since I am a googler I decided to just steer clear of the computer.
First, and this is related to Blaine. I have been referred to a high risk specialist OBGYN. So, I now have my family doctor, a nurse, my regular OBGYN, my psychiatrist and a specialist working on me! We discussed maybe needing a consult with a high risk and I requested Dr. Sasquatch. For those of you who haven't read Blaine's story, Dr. S was the Dr in the E.R. in April when we gave birth to Blaine. He has really big hands. I'm nervous about two things, 1. will he want to do an internal exam with those sasquatch hands? and 2. how am I going to feel seeing him? I haven't seen him since that day. I requested him because he is very caring and took the time to follow up on me after I went home. I know I can trust him. But I am scared to see him. Sometimes when I go to the doctor I go to the hallway where his office is and look at his name on the wall. Yes, kind of like stalking him. But he is connected to my son. He is one of the few people who held him (that I know of anyway). Now I have to sit and have a conversation with him and wonder the entire time if he remembers Blaine. Probably not given the sheer number of dead babies out there.
Secondly, I got a bladder infection. I'm sure there's tons of stories out there of women getting b.i. and miscarrying. So, I steared clear of google.
I am still in a good place but have been sad and missing my boy. With Christmas approaching it's bringing up a lot of emotions. It's going to be a tough time and I'm debating several things like should I buy B a gift of some kind? Should I buy Big Sis something from B? How can I remember him? Lot's to figure out in about 6 weeks.
I made the mistake of joining a message board this pregnancy. I am overwhelmed by all of the stupid first time moms. I hate them and reading about all of their stupid concerns. "will I get stretch marks" "will my boobs sag" or calling the first movements of the baby "annoying tickles" how about this
"will my baby die" "will my baby stop breathing before my next dr appt" or "boy, I'm glad I felt the baby moving early on since it died"
I hate message boards.

Darkness

"They gave so much to be so little...but angels always do."

Thank you Melissa for sharing that, it is my new favourite quote.

There was a point after Blaine where all of my thoughts were dark. I never shared them with anyone, not the therapist, pyschiatrist, hubby, no one. They were the types of thoughts people get "labelled" for having. Labels like "suicidal," "homicidal," "crazy." The kind of thoughts that get used against you in custody battles and lawsuits. The kind you aren't supposed to share unless you're writing the screenplay for "Pet Semetary 3" or "Saw 23." The dark period thankfully didn't last long and is gone now. It's just a memory now, a memory of days when I felt like I was walking on the line between reality and insanity. I had an appt with my psychiatrist yesterday and find myself talking about how well I was feeling emotionally. And I really am. Maybe it's the zoloft? Maybe it's the positive pregnancy hormones? Maybe it's acceptance? Or a bit of all three. I just know that I feel good. Still sad, I cried a little on the way home tonight cause Big Sis asked if we were buying Blaine a Christmas present. But other than some bittersweet moments I am happy again. I am normal. I feel a normal amount of sadness at the loss of my child I feel a normal amount of stress and anxiety. I am normal. And if feels so good to say that.

Acceptance

Dear Blaine, God I miss you. The boy I never knew yet the one who stole my heart, who changed my very core. Big Sis has always been my soul sister. She is a mini me, unfortunately not in just the good ways but in some of the bad too. As she gets older she starts to look more and more like me and develop some of my mannerisms. Big Sis came into my life and made me a grown up. I traded my designer clothes for sweats and jeans. I traded my makeup for scrunchies. Out went the assorted vodka drinks and in came the chocolate milk. Gone was the smoking body that got honked at while walking down the street. Now I have a body only a mother be proud of, stretch marks and all! Needless to say Big Sis's arrival made a huge impact. But not like you. I willingly took in all of the changes that came with being a first time mom and felt no resistance. I did not willingly accept the new role of BLM though. I have fought tooth and nail to not be the mother of a dead child. Just as I would have fought tooth and nail if there were anyway I could have saved you. I have come to the realization lately that I cannot fight it. And I don't want to anymore. I am changed because of you. There are parts of me and of my life now that would not be here if you had not died. And while I would take the life of anyone else on this earth (except Big Sis) to have you back I have to accept the fact that this is us. This is our relationship, you the angel in Heaven, me the sad Mother on earth.
You hear awful things when a baby dies, after your death I heard things like "it happened for a reason" and "it's in God's plan" and "it wasn't meant to be." I hated hearing those things and when the emotion is that raw it didn't help. But now with time I can accept them. I can accept that maybe there was something wrong with you and you weren't meant to be born alive into this world. Maybe your purpose in life was bigger than the average person being born and growing old living a mediocre existence. I hoped right after you died that if anything good came of it it would be that Daddy would start believing in God and become a Christian. That he would see what a miracle life was. That his son would end up giving him the greatest gift. That hasn't happened yet but maybe there's still time. I can accept that our lives together were just not meant to be. And that doesn't make me stop missing you and that doesn't mean I don't wish that things were different. It just means that I'm going to be the mother you deserve and I'm going to be the mother your siblings deserve. I'm going to accept what this new life has taught me and the gifts it has brought me. And I'm going to cherish you without being consumed by you. That is the balance I've been looking for and I finally feel like I have it. I hope you're proud of me. You can now show your mother off to all your friends and tell them what a strong woman she is. Couldn't have done it without you B. I was supposed to teach you all about life and love but in an interesting twist it is you who taught me.

Costumes

Oh Halloween, I love you. I have always loved Halloween. Partly because I love love love chocolate. I would have married chocolate if you could make babies with it. And I love free chocolate even more! Halloween is also the gateway to Christmas, my favourite!! And yes, in my family that's "CHRIST" MAS not "the holidays." I can't really justify shopping for Christmas ornaments or decorating until after Halloween is over. But come November 1st, it's on like donkey kong! I used to love dressing up when I was a kid. And we'd go out for hours and fill pillow cases with junk food. One year my Dad was really into it for some reason (or just trying to wear us out) and we walked what must have been miles. I think at one point we were actually begging to go home. And then I got older and went through the stage where Halloween was an excuse to get drunk and dress like a slut. I went as a "sexy witch" one year, a "Catholic school girl" the next. Ultimate debauchery...jello shots instead of candy. And now I'm a mom and Halloween is back to long walks in the fall air and lots of candy. I love dressing up my daughter, I have every year since she was born, even the first Halloween when she was too little to do anything. She was still forced into a caterpillar costume for photos. Most years she has more than one costume, this year she was sleeping beauty at daycare, Princess Tiana at karate and tomorrow she will be bugs bunny. I don't dress up anymore. Gone are the days when I enjoyed a big party and adult costumes are pretty pricey. But this year I have decided to dress up. Tomorrow when I take my daughter trick or treating I am going to dress up as a non BLM, a mother without a dead baby. I am going to smile at the babies in the strollers dressed up like pumpkins and butterflies. I will not cringe when a blue eyed boy runs past me. I will wear a huge smile on my face, I will kick at the leaves and run from house to house with my daughter. My husband will take photos of his ladies and I will have a genuine look of happiness on my face. There will be no tears for the missing piece. I will forget that our family is incomplete. That there should be a chubby little pumpkin in a carrier sleeping against my chest. We will go out for hot chocolate afterwards and talk about the houses that were decorated and how scary some things were. No one will look at me and think I have a longing in my eyes. I will not stare off into the distance daydreaming about all of the oohs and aahs my little Blaine would have gotten for being just too darn cute. Tomorrow I will put on the costume of a normal, healthy, strong, mother who doesn't know what it's like to give birth to death. Happy Halloween.

Are you there God, it's not Margaret

I find myself thinking a lot about God today and his plans for me. I don't seem to be the only one since about 5 of the blogs I follow have had similar topics in the past few days. From trusting God to believing in God to wondering what God has planned for us next. I have to admit I've never thought of God as a planner. I don't think he put my mom and dad together and said "ok if this sperm meets this egg then you're going to have this girl and she'll have this predetermined life." That would be awfully cruel and pointless. I have never blamed God for "taking Blaine." Not in that sense. I have always understood that I did nothing wrong or committed a sin which required me to lose my son. We live in a broken world and miscarriage and stillbirth and infant death are part of the package. In fact, how much time do the citizens of Earth spend telling God to leave them alone, to let them be free and do whatever they want, be whoever they want to be. Well I believe he has given the world it's wish. That being said, I did feel abandoned. I felt like that guy in the poem footprints who sees the one set of footprints. I prayed and prayed for Blaine to be safe and born healthy and happy, just as I pray for my daughter. And I went into labour far too soon. In the hospital I asked for a chaplain, none came. I prayed for a quick end to what was happening, I laboured for 31 hours. I truly felt like God had just abandoned me on the worst moment of my life. While I don't feel that God caused Blaine to die I know that he could have given me a miracle. He could have interceded and miraculously resealed my cervix, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, why not Blaine? But then I started thinking, when was the last time I interceded on God's behalf? Most people I know probably don't know I'm a Christian. I only discuss religious beliefs with other religious people. At the risk of causing arguments and being called "politically incorrect" I normally keep my views to myself. So, if I'm a closet Christian why would I deserve a miracle? I don't really think God is like that though. I think even though I am wishy washy he isn't. Even when I falter in loving him, he adores me. Even when I sit quietly and listen to the anti church rhetoric, he stands boldly on my behalf. So, why didn't I get a miracle then? If I don't believe everything is predetermined and I don't believe I was being punished or abandoned then what? What was the point? I know Blaine's death changed me and for the better. It's brought me closer to God and I feel closer to my friends and family. Is that it? Is that enough?

Today was a rough day. I walk by the funeral home that we used daily. Most days I don't bat an eye but some days are different. Like today. I feel connected to the place. Blaine's body was only outside of my body at the hospital, the funeral home and the crematorium. I walk by the funeral home and look up at the window, the room where I got to see him. I wish I could go and sit in the room. Even though he's not there anymore. I wonder about his ride to and from the crematorium. I know the funeral home manager picked him up personally but did he ride in the trunk? Did he put him in the backseat or the front seat beside him? Was the radio on? I know these details really don't matter but they are a part of his short short life story. I wish I had all of the details...from the time he left the room in the hospital til the time I picked up his ashes and brought him home. I wish I could track every moment. I miss him today a little more than usual.

I'm sorry to all the BLM's who I've been neglecting. I had cards to mail out to BLM Penpals that didn't get out and I know I missed angelversaries and due dates and I am so sorry. Please know that I still think of you all daily. I just have been really sick and exhausted and haven't even had the energy to take care of my daughter never mind myself.

Days 21 - 25

Day 21 - a recipe…I don't actually use recipes. I like to free style! I will share a good site though… www.allrecipes.com If I am making something for the first time I will usually use this as a guide and then tweak it to make it my own. Cooking is much better and more personal if you just throw caution to the wind! If it tastes good great if not then you know what to change next time.Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss… www.grieveoutloud.org It's one of the first I came across; I have a penpal through it, a wonderful BLM who encouraged me to write and blog. Through that website I found my way to many others which have helped on the journey.Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh. I don't watch many youtube videos unless someone sends me one or posts one. And even then it's usually a music video.Day 24 - where you live … I am blessed to live in Canada!!! Love it, would never move anywhere else. Although I wouldn't mind having a couple of the winter months down south.Day 25 - your day, in great detail … Boring! I get up, get ready for work, get my daughter up and get her ready for daycare, off to work, work, sometimes have lunch with a friend, sometimes with my mom who works in the same building, pick up my daughter from daycare, make dinner, eat dinner, watch some television, get daughter ready for bed, go to bed. Saturdays and Sundays are lazy days. The only commitment we have is my daughters karate class on Saturday morning. And other than that we play it by ear based on the weather. I don't drive so we walk or public transit everywhere so if the weather sucks we are usually at home.

Day 20

A hobby of mine? I guess reading is my number one hobby. I love to read and will read pretty much anything as long as I can follow it. I like books in series like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and the Twilight series. I love the Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings trilogy. One summer a friend and I competed to see who could read the most books while still maintaining a social life and I read a lot of books. I think it worked out to like 3 a week.

I feel like I have so much to write lately but no energy to do it. I am so tired and worn out from being at work all day that when I get home I really just want to lie on the couch and veg. I miss blogging and being more actively involved. With Blaine I felt better at about 12 weeks so I'm hoping it will be the same this time around.

I've been really emotional the past few days maybe just hormones because I know I'm in a good place. But every song I listen to that reminds me of Blaine is making me cry. I sit at my desk listening to my ipod or on the subway and some sappy song will come on and I just tear up. I know I'm not in the darkness anymore so it's probably just hormones and the fact that being pregnant with another baby reminds me of being pregnant with B and how I shouldn't be pregnant right now (although I am so glad I am). Still trying to find a good balance but right now I really don't have energy to do anything.

30 Days - Catching up again

I'm going to skip question 17 because there really is no art piece or sculpture that I really love.

Question 18: my wedding.

my Dad walking me down the aisle

I had a simple but really nice wedding. Hubby wanted to have a big shibang but that's not really my style. And I couldn't justify the money being spent on one day! Plus we already had our daughter so for me getting married was more to complete our family and make it official. It was still nice though and I did everything myself. We got married at city hall and then we went back to our place. We had about 30 people over. I served all different sorts of finger foods and had my friends daughter come over and waitress. Our official drink as a couple is chocolate martini so I made those for everyone. My dad ordered pizza! Which was alright but didn't really go along with the rest of the food. My dress I got retail, my flower bouquets I put together myself with fake flowers from a dollar store. I actually went out and got my hair done because I wanted a very specific do and it was perfect. I spent a lot of time picking out my daughters clothes. I wanted her to look like a princess and she did. My sister was my maid of honour. I made a cd of songs that hubby and I listen to and think of each other. I played it at the reception. We went to a friends cottage for 0ur honeymoon. A couple of days alone in the cottage was so nice. It was the first time we had been away from our daughter for that long. It was fun and relaxing.

this is the ceremony. My daughter cried!

our wedding cakes


Question 19: a talent of mine. I'm a pretty good cook. There's not much I can't make if I really try. I make Italian, Indian, Chinese. And it all tastes pretty good. I'm also a fairly decent writer and I'm very organized when it comes to work. At home, no! But at work everything has it's time and place.

Day 15 and Day 16

I have my original list of questions at work so I took these off of someone else's blog and they're slightly different but the gist is the same.

Day 15: describe your house or dream house: The house I live in right now is actually an apartment. It's alright. Quiet building on a quiet street. Fairly clean, which says a lot for Toronto. My dream house would be a 3 hour drive north of here. My own personal Disney, Kearney. I love the town, the people, the slow movement. I love being by the water and the hills. I love being close to Algonquin Park, walking outside and seeing a chipmunk or a rabbit or even a snake. My father in law has even seen deers and bears right outside his window. One time they were barbequing and a bear decided to come by for dinner. That's how outdoors it is! And while I was raised in the city I am a country girl in my heart. If it were up to me I'd build a big farmhouse, we'd have animals and I'd drive a big pink pickup truck! My kids would milk cows and gather eggs. We'd swim in the lake every summer day and in our indoor pool on the winter ones. No stress, no traffic, no smog, no gangs, no subway cars. Just life at it's finest.

Day 16: a song that makes you cry: "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. I hadn't listened to this song in many years, probably since it was on the radio whenever it is that it came out. But it came into my mind after Blaine and I associate it with him now. I don't cry every time I hear it but sometimes it still makes me weep. Not always with sadness, sometimes with joy. Joy that I didn't miss the dance (holding you I held everything). Joy that I had him, even for a short time (for a moment wasn't I the King). Joy that I am a better person now because of what I have survived (I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end). As much as we don't want to hear it at the time, good things do come out of it. There is a purpose in our tragedy (our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss The Dance.)

Today we are going over to a friends house for a end of baseball season bbq. Yes, I married a jock. I have mixed feelings about this. The wife and I were pregnant at the same time. Her baby is alive. He was born shortly before Blaine's due date. He is unfortunately sick and I know they're having a hard time handling it. My heart goes out to them. I can't imagine caring for a sick child. To not be able to take their pain away. On the other hand though there is a part of me that says "suck it up." He's alive. They got to bring him home. They don't have to wear his ashes in a pendant around their neck. They don't have to explain to their older child that the baby died and sometimes life sucks that way. So, I'm worried about going because while I want to be supportive and be a friend I really don't want to hear any complaining about how hard it is. Yes I know it's difficult taking a child to the doctor and having tests and possible operations and not knowing when they will be better. But it's even harder leaving the hospital empty handed after 31 hours of labour, making cremation arrangements, picking the ashes up, telling everyone you know that you're not pregnant anymore, and then trying and trying to get pregnant again in a desperate attempt to have a living child. Neither situation is fair to a parent but I certainly know which shoe I'd choose.

Happy PILA Day!

Is it appropriate to say "Happy Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day?" lol

Tonight I am lighting a special candle. I have crammed onto this candle as many baby names as I could. I doubt I got all of them because as we all know there are far too many. I'll take some pics and post them tomorrow.

I found today to be harder emotionally than even Blaine's due date was. I actually teared up on the subway for the first time in a long time listening to a song I listen to everyday. Today I am just a little more tender. A little more emotional.

Thanks to everyone who has left me messages on FB and who has done beautiful pics with Blaine's name. I have to update my blog and add them all soon. I still have some names to do that people requested, I didn't forget! I just haven't been feeling well enough to think about it.

For the 30 questions: Question 14 is to name a non fictional book that is more meaningful to you now: I think I would say "Safe In the Arms of God" by John MacArthur; The Bible; "Fearless" by Max Lucado; "3:16" by Max Lucado. Other than Max I really don't read much non fiction. And I'm not one for self help books.

I hope everyone has a peaceful night and remembers to take pics of their candles!! Love you BLM's

30 Days Blitz!!

I think I got the photos backwards but anyways. The top photo is one of me recently. Not too recently, July 3rd. My hubby and I took a trip to Niagara Falls. It was a nice and needed weekend away.

The second photo is not quite ten years, six probably. It's me and my friend Kaili, chilling at a friends house, probably going out that night.

The bottom photo is one of me after Blaine. It is my favourite place in the whole world. Up at Papa's house! I love being up there, no work, no responsibility, relaxation, sleepy days. Can't wait to move up there one day!

Question 12 is something I am ocd about: I wouldn't say I'm normally OCD about anything. On my worst moments I tend to focus on trivial things like whether the fish tank will break and flood the appt or I'll check the balcony door a bunch of times and make sure it's locked. I find I get ocd when I'm losing control of important things in my life. Like when Blaine died. I started to focus on stupid little things that I knew I could control because I knew I couldn't control the important stuff.

Question 13 is a fictional book that is important to me since my loss: The Twilight series. If Renesmee can survive than surely I can have one more living child right?!? lol Seriously, not any really. I reread "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb and had a new appreciation for it but I don't think it's gained any more importance in my life.

Today is Blaine's 6 month angelversary! I thought I'd be more upset, that it would hit me harder. But I actually found myself thinking of all of the good moments I had. The enjoyment I got being pregnant with him. I missed him a little more today but in a good way, not in a fall to my knees "why me" kind of way. I cuddled with his ultrasound photo and fell asleep last night. I realized it was a long time since I had done that. I think the worst of my grief is over. I don't want Blaine's life to be remembered as this horrific moment in time when I thought I'd go mad. I want to focus on everything good that came out of it. I know I will see Blaine again so I just have to hold on to my good thoughts and wait. I'm sure it's not goodbye to all of the tough times completely. But I've realized that I'm strong enough to make it through. Eye on the prize!

Happy Belated Turkey Day!

Alright so I sort of fell behind on the 30 days posts! I will do a blitz sometime and catch myself up. I decided to take the long turkey weekend offline and just relax and sleep and spend time with my family. I've eaten enough turkey and mashed potatoes and stuffing to last me until Christmas at least! And then I went and got chicken for lunch, go figure. My daughter loves turkey and has been eating turkey sandwiches all weekend. I asked her what she wanted for breakfast yesterday morning and she wanted a toasted egg and turkey sandwich! Aren't I the one supposed to be having the weird cravings?
Went to mother in laws on Sunday. I did a visual scan looking for Blaine's memorial card. We gave her a copy. She doesn't have it up in the living room. I'm hoping she has it in her room but all of Abby's pics are in the living room and I think B's footprints should be too. But I wasn't going to say anything. Some people handle things differently.
I'm missing him a lot these past few days. I went to a sub shop today and realized the last time I was there I was pregnant with Blaine. And being pregnant reminds me of being pregnant with Blaine of course. Everything I do I think I've done this before. This time last year I was anticipating when we would start trying for the baby. I had been waiting years. I knew one more month to go and I could start getting pregnant! I was so excited.
I've been so sick and just keep saying to everyone "I better get something out of it this time." Which I know sounds kind of bitter but I mean it. I don't mind going through this physical and mental stress if I get rewarded in the end. I told hubby this is it. This is our last chance for another baby. I can't be one of those women who have like 10 losses. Whether this baby comes home alive with us or not I'm not getting pregnant again. It was a tough decision to make but I think for my mental health it is the best thing I can do.

Day 7 and 8 - Photos

The above is a photo that makes me both happy and sad. It's my answer for Day 7 and Day 8 both. It makes me happy because I have a beautiful family. We were blessed to be able to share this vacation together. My daughter loved Disney and getting all dolled up like a princess! We had a great time at the pool and at the beach. It was our first real family vacation away.

It is sad because it is exactly one week to the day that Blaine was born dead. We already had the trip planned and so we decided to still go. It was a good decision and was much better than sitting at home crying. But someone is missing from this picture. Someone should have been with us. I should not have been able to drink by the pool. I should not have been as comfortable as I was in the car ride down. I should have been buying Blaine a stuffed Mickey for when he finally arrived safe. So, our wonderful family vacation so full of great memories and love is tainted by what should have been.