I'm sitting here crying right now. I don't really have a reason. I am extremely emotional today and was last night as well. Last night I found myself crying in bed because of work. I never cry over work, I just don't care enough to cry over it. But I'm covering vacations and while I'm still not that busy I'm terrified. I'm scared I'm going to screw up someone else's work while they're gone. I'm scared I'm going to have to go off on bedrest and not be able to work. I'm scared of letting people down because I really am not in a secure place right now. I'm feeling much better but my self esteem has still taken a blow. And that's something I'm still working on. I used to be so confident, almost cocky. Now I am always worried to make a decision in case it's the wrong one. I'm scared stressing over all of this will make me lose this baby and then I won't be able to return to work because I'll hate it and blame it.
Right now I'm crying because I cried last night and I feel stupid.
I had two good conversations at work today. Finally someone asked me about my necklace! She came over and touched it and said it was really nice. There was a bit of an awkward moment when I told her what it was and she looked as if I had just burned her finger. But she kept asking me questions and wanted to know all about it and where I got it. So, it was still nice.
A good friend of mine at work asked me about this blog and other mom's blogs that I read. She wondered if it made me feel worse or better. I told her at the beginning it made me feel so much better because I knew I was not alone and I had so many women to talk to. Now it is just part of my life. This is the world I live in now. She asked about the photos, how some women post photos of their babies living and dead on their blogs. I explained that I have photos of my living child all around so why would they not have photos of their children around. I know to her it seems morbid and she doesn't understand. I told her I hope she never understands because you really have to be a BLM to get it. I told her someone could walk in the room with a dead baby and I wouldn't flinch. This is just my reality now. I'm glad she asked though and that we got to talk about it. She wasn't rude or disgusted. She was just really curious and that's totally understandable. I know "outsiders" will never totally get it but at least there are some out there who are willing to try. I wonder what I would have thought had I stumbled on the community on April 10th. Before I found myself having to google "pregnancy loss." I wonder what I would think of my own blog if I were looking at him from someone else's perspective. Would I think that I was dwelling on death and negativity or would I be able to see the hope and beauty in it?Would I see Blaine in it?
3 comments:
I can relate to this. I cried this morning. Just feeling so tired. Emotionally tired, which I think leads to feeling physically tired too. Wishing I could be "normal" again, that this didn't have to be so hard, wishing that my life hadn't changed and my daughter hadn't died. But here I am, despite all my wishing.
Somedays I wonder too about the blogosphere - and if it's good for me or not. But lately, I've been needing to come here daily. To be with my people, to understand and be understood. I get tired from friends and family not understanding. And it makes sense that they don't understand, can't understand. I wouldn't get it if I weren't a BLM. Yet I really need to be understood and accepted as normal, given my life circumstances. So right now, I need this support daily.
So, perhaps because I am a BLM too, I see the beauty and hope here - it goes hand and hand with the grief, loss and sadness. We hold them all in our hearts, side by side. Not everyone can or needs to do that. I see Blaine here, with his mom, integrating him into this life of yours.
Much love and peace to you.
I love your thoughts on what outsiders think of our blogs. I think about that too, but really in the end I think that without this community I would not be able to get through this grief like I am so I don't care. =) I am thankful to have found this community and you.
i know it is hard, but thank you for helping someone who can't possibly know what its like to understand a little better. My Boaz was 2 1/2 and though there are things we don't feel the same, there are many feelings and emotions that are the same. Having a "community" helps.
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