The Simple Things and 30 Days of Questions

I watched the movie "Devil" last night and one line from it has stuck with me. At the end one of the characters is explaining how he forgave someone who did something horrible to him. He says "my Grandma used to say, if you believe the devil exists then you also have to believe that God exists."

I'm such a negative person. It's not entirely my fault. I do have an anxiety disorder. However, I know I choose to focus on the negative at times. This summer I have been making a conscious effort to focus on the positive, even the things that seem simple. But I need to go bigger than that. Yes the devil exists but so does God. Yes, I have to raise my children in a not so nice neighbourhood, around people I don't want them to be anything like, with a lot going on in the world that could hurt them. Yes, something could happen to me or hubby tomorrow, or both of us. But if I spend all of my time thinking about all of those things then I'm going to miss out on enjoying all of the good things that are happening around me. What if my kids turn out great! What if they live long healthy lives! What if me and hubby are so old he has to push me around in a chair and change my catheter! I'll have wasted so much time and energy on the negative.

So, I am spending this time focusing on the good and the things that deserve my attention, such as:

a hot coffee and bagel while I write this

the way Caleb smiles at me whenever he sees me

the fact that only I can satisfy him cause all he wants is boob! he doesn't even want milk pumped into a bottle, he wants it right from the source.

Sissy being such a huge help and always wanting to be around him and play with him

how excited Sissy got when Caleb smiled at her for the first time on her birthday

the fact that my husband wants to help with the baby!!

school is out! and we have all summer for fun together, trips and days at the pool are awaiting us

There is so much more I have to be thankful for but these things in particular have sat with me for the past few days. I am truly blessed and that's what I need to remember. I wrote "lucky" instead of "blessed" but changed it. As Nicki Minaj says "no I'm not lucky I'm blessed."

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have : breastfeeding; raising wonderful human beings; early retirement
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them : none right now but used to be called Mutt, Lainey, Beanie
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future : hopefully will stay married to my hubby
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy : I still love getting name photos

Fears and 30 Days of Questions

My fears are pretty much off the charts right now. I'm so afraid that Caleb is not yet safe. That I'll never stop worrying about something happening to him. I really only feel safe at home with him. When we go out around other people I focus on what diseases he could catch or what some freak on the street could do. I know I have to start focusing on the positive and not the negative. I can't live my life like this and I don't want to raise my kids in that kind of emotional enviroment. To my credit I have been able to control my anxiety and not let it affect Abby. I let her do lots of things that scare the crap out of me and I just hide it. I have a breakdown now and then around hubby but other than him I don't think anyone would know how anxious I am. Not just since Blaine either, I've always been like this. It's just worse now because now I know the worst can happen to me! I'm not immune to it like I wanted to believe. The problem is I'm not sure how to get rid of the anxiety. Meds help to some extent but not completely. I know that's what the doctor would suggest since I've had post partum depression twice and been medicated both times. Problem is they help with the physical effects like panic attacks but they don't take the thoughts away. And therapy didn't either. I hate sitting and telling someone what my fears are because I know they sound ridiculous and far fetched. I'm not convinced it is PPD and not just generalized anxiety. I have it most of the time not just after birth.
Any tips anyone? If you could say a little prayer for me that I'll figure this out that would be much appreciated. Would rather figure out how to handle it or get over it without resorting to anti anxiety meds.



Question 7: Short Term Goals for this month and why?

1. to continue breastfeeding - that is my biggest goal and I'm setting it a month at a time instead of saying "I'll breastfeed the whole time I'm off work." I'd like to do that but don't want to set myself up for failure.


2. to get back into a workout routine - my big goal is to be at 150 pounds by New Years so that's about 50 pounds or so I have to lose in 6 months. More than manageable.


3. to start eating healthier. We tried to do a clean grocery shop this time around and I only allowed myself one treat, peanut butter filled pretzels. Now, I just have to stop it with the iced coffees everyday!.


4. to work out a plan for treating my anxiety - see above

Life Lessons

I have learnt so many things this past year. Namely the following, in no particular order, please bare with the obvious sarcasm in some points.

1. Your body has an endless supply of tears and snot.

2. Strangers are sometimes the kindest friends.

3. It is possible to feel an immense amount of joy and an immense amount of pain at the exact same moment.

4. I can survive, the question has always been more like "do I want to?"

5. It is possible to love a human being so small they can fit in the palm of your hand.

6. Logic cannot exist in the same moment as grief.

7. The approximate time for others to grieve and move past the death of your child is one week. After that you are on your own.

8. God is good and loving, even when you hate him.

9. Guilt is a disease and needs to be treated like one.

10. You will feel an immense amount of pride and love at the simplest of things, like seeing your child's name written out by a stranger. (see point 2)

11. There are few things better in life than receiving "Blaine Mail." It never even makes it to the elevator before it's ripped open.

12. My husband has endless amounts of patience and doesn't mind if his shirts are soaked in tears.

13. My daughter is a one of the kindest souls I have ever known.

14. Having post partum depression but no baby at home isn't worth it.

15. There are far far too many dead babies in the world.

That's what I can think of for now. Of course, I have learnt so much about human behaviour and about myself. I've always been very observant of people and can always read people within minutes of meeting them. The one thing that has surprised me throughout this journey is the true sisterhood of the BLM. I've always been very skeptical of the internet and people who find friendships and love online. That all changed when I started looking for answers back in May 2010. The internet really became my go to guide on loss and healing. I guess the number one thing I learnt this year is that angels exist where you least expect them and God truly does work in mysterious ways.

Mind Over Matter

Mind over matter. The therapist I saw after I went crazy last summer kept trying to get me to think this way. Instead of envisioning a negative outcome why not envision a positive one. Neither will prepare you if the worst does happen and it's not like focusing on the negative will make it hurt less. So, why not just think positive. At the time I was seeing her it made sense to me but I was not ready for it. I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of thinking that things were going to work out. The proverbial *&^% had just hit the fan. The mind is an incredibly powerful tool. It protects us in so many ways. It protected me in the past, it even protected me when Blaine was born. It selectively blocks out certain things we can't handle and lets in others we need. Any good doctor or midwife will tell you it can even help you overcome physical pain like those you experience in labour. Not to say that thinking positive will always result in cupcakes and butterflies. However, negative thinking almost always results in failure. If you go into a situation thinking you can't handle it then you probably won't be able to handle it. Why not give it a try? So, in the spirit of embracing this new attitude I wiped today and did not look for blood! For the first time since I found out I was pregnant I did not check the toilet paper for blood. It was literally a debate between my anxious self and my new positive self. Picture a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other... "just check it won't hurt" "but why I'm fine I don't need to check all the time" "why not, what if something is wrong, you want to catch it early on don't you" "yes but there's nothing wrong and I don't need to do this everytime" And positive Elaine won! The angel kicked the devil's butt right out of the bathroom! I really feel like I'm at a point where I can take these steps. There is nothing worse than losing a child. I would gladly suffer physical pain every minute of every day for the rest of my life to have Blaine here with me. I survived it. I always told myself I would never survive the loss of a child but I did. I am not totally responsible, I did it with the help of lots of people and God. I survived it. My mind did not completely break. I can trust it to help me get through the next several months without meds. And if I can train myself well enough then maybe I won't need to go back on them when I'm done breastfeeding either. For someone who doesn't even like to take headache medication that's huge. The idea that I can live my life without any meds. I hope this positive feeling stays with me. I hope it's not just some rush of hormones or self denial.

Trust More and Fear Less

I am a huge fan of anything written by Max Lucado. I've yet to read one of his books that does not speak to me. He's the author version of Blue Rodeo in my life...every song has it's purpose. After I had my daughter I was diagnosed with post partum depression and anxiety disorder. I was able to control it without medication right up until I lost Blaine. I am now being medicated but I know that is just a band aid. I have to actually fix the insides that are anxious. The things I fear I cannot control. I cannot control whether my daughter will be kidnapped and tortoured to death. I cannot control whether she will get a disease and die. I cannot control whether I am blessed with another living child. Yet I still fret constantly about these things. Think or the worst horror movie you've seen and I've imagined that happening to someone I love. That's the main reason why as big a horror movie fan as I am I can no longer watch them. Since I had my daughter I can't sit through it without picturing her. I really don't want to be medicated for long. So, I'm trying to get my way back to the point I was at pre Blaine, when me and J.C. talked and I felt calm and more at ease (never completely but manageable). When Blaine died the first book I bought was "Fearless" by Max Lucado. I read it but didn't absorb it. It was too soon and I couldn't focus. Now I can and I'm working my way through it. What I'm working on right now is following the 7 steps to relieve yourself of the anxiety. This is in chapter 4 of the book and the acronym is aptly named "P - E - A - C - E - F - U - L" oh I love you Max!! Here is a brief rundown of each letter P = Pray First; E = Easy Now; A = Act on it; C = Compile a worry list; E = Evaluate your worry categories; F = Focus on today; U = Unleash a worry army; L = Let God be enough. This is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to give my worries to God and let him take care of them. I know he will. Since I started reading the book this time around I've actually felt a calm come over me. I'm still nervous but I haven't been catastraphizing on a daily basis like I used to. I haven't been planning that perfect bomb shelter I'll build when I win the lotto! I'm feeling much more positive and I'm confident that whatever comes my way I think I'll get through it. Me and J.C.
"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So, don't be troubled or afraid." John 14:27 NLT

Waves of Emotion

Today the bitterness has really sunk in. I found myself wondering how many zoloft it would take to put me in a coma for a week. (no I am not suicidal) I can't function today and today is only day one of what looks to be a week from hell. Today is 5 months since Blaine entered the human world dead. Or at least I think he was dead, wouldn't know since I didn't even look at him. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Saturday is D day. Today was brutal. There were no shining moments. Just a ball of bitterness and anger. And of course there were preggos everywhere. Everywhere I went. Can they not take one day off? And you know what is going to happen? I've realized I'm going to spend all week wondering if I'm pregnant and then AF is going to come on Saturday. You know she's like that. If she comes this month I'm welcoming her with a bottle of tequila. Today was the first day since I've been on my meds that I've had chest pains from anxiety. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and scream but I can't. I don't want to make any decisions this week. I don't want to think about anything else but Blaine. I want to feel close to him this week. I hope his urn arrives before Saturday. I got incredibly bitter today thinking about all of the abusive mothers out there who don't deserve to conceive children. I was just walking along and these thoughts came in my head. All of these horrible people who should be dead themselves never mind out there breeding while my son lies in a box in ashes. Literally in ashes. I've thought all day I should pray and ask God for some strength but I don't know if I want to. Not this week. This week I want to feel it. I want to feel the pain and the anger and the raw grief. I want to look like I just got hit by a bus. I want to have sleepless nights. I want to suffer. I can't explain why it just feels like I should. How dare I have any good moments this week. I don't want Him to take my pain away. Not yet. I need it this week. I need to feel B with me this week and the pain is one of the few things I have left. Hubby and I had a bit of a bickering. We were in the store trying to decide what to have for dinner and he says "get something to make you feel better." And every inch of me wanted to scream, "oh, I didn't know a microwavable dinner would bring B back to life!!" I didn't and insisted he pick out something for dinner because my brain is jelly right now but he wouldn't. Ugh!!! I know he means well and I love him for caring about me so much but stop asking me what's wrong. It is always the same thing. My son is dead. That's what's wrong. That's what was wrong two months ago and a day ago and 5 years from now. Life is wrong.

What I Need Right Now

I briefly spoke about my new needs in a previous post and I've posted the "A Letter from Women to Their Friends and Family" written Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer. I have new needs and wants that I never had before. I've always been what I consider to be very strong. I've always been able to put on a poker face and dismiss any kind of hardships. I was tough. I don't involve myself in drama, I don't associate with people who thrive on conflict or gossip. I was level headed, sometimes detached and a bit of a loner. That suited me just fine. Then I descended. And now I am an emotional wreck. I've only felt this way once before and that was during an emotionally abusive relationship and even then it was just around him, not anyone else. Now I can barely get through the day without crying. Even during the good ones I sometimes have tears of joy. I need for the people who love me and know me to understand that I am not the same Elaine you knew on April 12th. Post April 13th Elaine is a different woman. And to be honest I like her better. I don't like being on an emotional scrambler. But there are a lot of new things I've discovered about myself that I would not give back. And this is my new reality. I am the mother of a dead baby and the mother of a living daughter. I am both and whether I am blessed with another living child or not, that will not change. Here are some things I want you to know...

I didn't choose this. I would give anyone or anything in my life other than my daughter to have my son back.
I am not being a drama queen. I am moody and emotional but it's not for attention. I just can't help it.
Please don't stop asking me to do things. I know I've been saying no to almost every invite but that is because the physical effects of grief and depression have left me sore and aching and exhausted. I simply don't have the energy most days to go out to a party or dinner. It's not that I don't want to because I want to so badly.
I know it is hard for you to understand how I feel about my son. He was just an abstract idea to you...a pregnancy not a child. But he moved inside me, he fed off my body. I did not lose a 17 week old fetus, I lost a baby, toddler, teenager, son, grandson, daughter in law, granddaughter, lifetime of memories and dreams.
Please don't think I am dwelling on the negative. I am also celebrating every moment I had. What may seem morbid to you is my way of coping.
I will never get over this. While it will get easier with time I will never move on.
I want to talk about Blaine. I want you to ask me about Blaine. I want you to ask me if you can see his things when you are at my home.
I need to know that you will never forget him. I need to know that this has had an impact on you.
I want you to talk to Abigail about her brother. Do not think that it will hurt her. She is a precious spirit who loves her brother. She mentions him every day and it doesn't cause her pain.
You know I am not used to asking for things. I am a proud woman. It's hard for me to ask someone for a favour or for their time (well except my parents I still rely on them far too much) Most of what I have done for Blaine I did alone because I didn't want to bother anyone. So, offer your time to me. Offer to take me for a coffee. Offer to come to my home and visit. Offer to help me find some new way to memorialize my son.
Understand that I am changed. I am not the strong woman I was. I am fragile. I don't know how long I will feel this way but for the time being I need you to be a little more sensitive. And I may be a little more clingy and needy. I have a hard time most days deciding on what to make for dinner so please don't ask me anything more complex than that!
Please read my blog. Thanks Liz for reading this everyday!! You have no idea how much it means to me that a "real life" friend is watching.

That's all I can really think of right now. My mind was racing with this after the dead baby email I got the other day. But that person wasn't really a friend so this wouldn't apply.

On a lighter note, I am going up north next Friday. Some of you asked me to do name photos for your babies, if you want one and forgot to email me please do so by Wednesday... lilyorange2@yahoo.ca

Tuesday Again? Oh Bloody *&^%

Today started off better than most. Due to a couple of early morning appts I had I actually got an extra half an hour sleep. Then it was off to therapy. Therapy session was brief. Mainly we talked about how amazing I am and how I really did it all on my own. I came into therapy with an action plan and have spearheaded my own recovery. I am the model patient. I couldn't love my therapist more at this point! So, we chatted for a bit and decided that while I would contact her if I had a relapse or needed to talk again, today would be my last official appt. I am no longer in crisis which is good but I will miss that quiet peaceful office. Then it was off to the psychiatrist. I'm not a big fan of this guy but whatever. We talked for a bit about how the meds are treating me. We talked about Blaine and how I was able to get him from the hospital and have him cremated. I did not mention to him that I sleep with the ashes although I did tell the therapist cause I know she gets it. I'm just more reserved talking to him because I feel like he might judge me. I'm sure he wouldn't but that's how I feel. I left the hospital feeling pretty darn good. Got to work. Started to go about my day. I snuck online of course to read some blogs. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Today is the 19th Tuesday. Every Tuesday will now have a number attached to it. Can't wait for the 543rd Tuesday. Today was the 19th Tuesday and I spent the exact moment of Blaine's death at the same hospital, on the same floor, talking about how much progress I've made in 19 weeks. And I was so concentrated on that that at the time I didn't even realize it. I had totally forgotten it was Tuesday. I forgot it was 8:40am. I forgot the only thing that seperated me from the scene of the crime was a corridor. So bye bye good day. I became increasingly agitated as the day wore on. Developed shoulder pain and headache. Hadn't the therapist just said how refreshed I looked? Puke. It didn't help that my IPOD battery died on me and so I had to listen to the drone of the keyboards clicking around me and the sound of people asking stupid questions. Thank God that this super nice guy I love at work brought me chocolate today. And my Mom who usually buys me lunch had plans and didn't invite me so I had to buy my own lunch! Okay that sounds like whining. But but but. I'm just frustrated that a great morning where I felt totally reassured and like I was making real progress turned into such a crappy afternoon. And that's how quick it is. One thought. One line on someone else's blog. One quick peek at the calendar. And I'm back scrambling around trying to find the sane girl again. And to top it off while I'm writing this I am talking to my sister on FB. Her and I are not really close. I love her and all and we get along but she lives in another province and we rarely rarely see each other. I'm talking every ten years rare. But still she is my sister. She is on my FB. I have a ticker on my FB that says "it's been blah blah blah since we said GOODBYE." I have an album of photos of Blaine's name which clearly is marked "Born and Died April 13, 2010" Almost all of my status updates are about finding strength in God or even "never thought she'd be so excited to pick up her sons ashes." One might think that even a casual observer might look at all of these things and think "Hmmm, did she lose a baby?" BIG LIGHTBULB GOING OFF ABOVE YOUR HEAD!!! or "Hmmm, several months ago I "liked" her status about being pregnant, wonder what's up with that?" I guess my sister never got it. She hasn't said one thing. NOT ONE THING. SHE HAS NOT SAID ONE THING. And here is the conversation we just had... the words in red were not part of the conversation but was what I was thinking at the time...

Her: hi elaine
7:03pm
Me : hey how are you doing? missing (her daughters name) I bet!!
7:04pm
Her: i am doing fine....i am missing her badly it was the hardest thing to do was saying goodbye (Really? I wouldn't know what that was like having)
7:05pm
Me : I see all of her facebook updates, she seems so grown up and like a very intelligent woman. You did an amazing job raising her.
7:11pm
Her: ya we did all i can tell you is teach them the right things and do as much as possable with them cause they grow up quick...(if they don't die first that is)
7:12pm
Me : we are trying to have another one but it's been a bit difficult since the baby died in April...can't seem to get pregnant for a third time! (ok maybe if I mention it she'll actually talk to me about it)
7:15pm
Her: yes i seen that on face book sorry for your loss...but for me baby day are over now i wait for grand baby hopefuly that is not for awail yet (really?)

ugh!!

The Middle

If you track anniversaries or birthdays by the day of the year than today is 4 months since Blaine was born. If you track it by actual days then today is 17 weeks and 3 days. Today is the centre. Today Blaine has been dead for as long as he was alive. 17 weeks and 3 days. The Ascent and The Descent.

How did my life change during the ascent?

I got fat. (again) I was so sick for two months. Constant nauseu all day long. My clothes got tight. I made plans for my baby shower, it was going to be Saturday July 10th at my Momma's house. I had the list made of who was invited, had planned the menu, chose someone to think up some games, picked out the prizes to hand out. I went online and setup a wish list at Sears. I planned to get most of my baby stuff there. A friend gave us a stroller to use. My mom and I picked out the car seat to go with it. My dear Aunt sent me a big box of baby clothes. All neutral colours although I already knew I was having a boy. I worried that our apartment wasn't big enough. I worried that Big Sis wouldn't want a little brother. I worried about the decision to circumsize (hubby is pro and I am con). I stressed over how much toys and clothes I knew my mother in law would buy the new baby and where I would put everything!! (when I was 9 weeks pregnant she went out and bought a bunch of shampoo and lotion for the baby!) I picked out the co sleeper we would pick up down in the US when we were on vacation. I ate a bowl of fruit salad every morning and a yoghurt. I took my vitamins. I rubbed my belly and talked to my little nudger. I researched doula's and pre natal classes. I took it easy during my workout, always partnering with another lazy person! I was nervous but not about having a dead baby because I knew that would never happen to me. I planned out all of the things I would teach my son about women, even envisioning what my future daughter in law might be like. I journalled in my pregnancy book. I envisioned exactly what my little toddler boy would look like and how I would dress him. I pictured the family photos, the perfect "million dollar family." I thought about a teenage son and how his friends would love to come over to our house. How they'd all tease him about how hot his mom was!! How we'd be the safe house...where the kids who didn't want to get drunk or high would hang out. I pictured myself breastfeeding and changing a boys diaper, trying not to get peed on. The ascent was a beautiful experience and I wish I could say I cherished it every moment. But the truth is I complained about being sick, getting fat, not being able to do much of anything because I was tired and sore. I thought those were the worst things that could happen to me. And then I wiped and there was blood and I descended into darkness.

How did (is?) my life change (changing) during the Descent?

I have seen much more of the mental health unit of the hospital then I ever care to again. I have been medicated. I have cried so much I wondered if I had any fluids left in my body. I have tasted morphine and liked it. I have wanted, needed, longed for, just one look at my dead baby. I have googled images of dead 17 week old fetuses. I have longed to go back to the hospital and deliver Blaine again, just do it one more time, just repeat that 31 hours. I have gone to places in my mind so dark I worried I might not make it back. I have been reminded of my son at every turn, every song, every t.v. show. Even listening to a silly pop tune I can relate it somehow to Blaine. I have listened to an Eminem song and it made me think of Blaine!! ("I can't tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like and right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe.") I have made funeral plans for a child. I have held my sons ashes and considered ways to make them a part of my body. What if I take that little piece of bone and have it implanted under my skin? I have had more nightmares then I can remember ever having before. So much darkness. There are times when I know I could have crossed that line. That thin line between darkness and light. I could have so easily embraced the darkness and disappeared.
But in all of this there is joy. Yes actual joy.
During the descent, on the worst of days I had people who cared for me...friends, coworkers, BLM, strangers, doctors, hubby, family.
And there was God. I think I've said it before, maybe not on here but in a letter to Blaine or to God...God picked me up off of that bathroom floor on April 13th and he has carried me since. I am always reminded of that poem "Footprints."
I needed to carry Blaine for those 17 weeks and 3 days, to love him and nurture him.
And while I still don't know why I had to lose him I know now that I honour him by living in light.

Not Quite the Greatest Day I've Ever Known

Today was not as bad as I envisioned. I am exhausted though. I wasn't swamped with work, had just enough to fill my plate but not keep me rushing around. Everyone was super nice about me being back. On my way to work there was a cute little boy on the subway with a little mohawk, just like Blaine would have had. It was bittersweet. I realized today that I work with people who actually care about me. It was a nice aha moment. It was good to see my supervisor again cause I think she's pretty awesome and is the only female boss I've ever liked. My manager didn't growl at me or anything. And the couple of close friends I have there gave me big hugs and big welcomes. I got to tell my good friend Lisa all about seeing Blaine and the cremation. She was like "I'm happy for you" and we both looked at each other strange and realized that was kind of morbid but you know what we meant. And this nice Grandpa guy that works there saved my coupons while I was off (he always gives me coupons and newspapers for various things). I took a "picture of Blaine" to work to put on my desk and I know people noticed but no one really commented yet. Maybe they thought I'd start crying or something. I put "picture of Blaine" in quotations cause it's not really a pic of him but one of his name that a nice BLM made for me. It's nice to look up and see his name. I had a bit of trouble with my breathing on the way to work just because I was so nervous about what to expect. Had to leave my desk a couple of times to walk around and breath. But I didn't have any chest pains. No panic attacks. I had one everyday before I was off so this was something special.
I took a preggo test today and of course I am not preggo yet. I'm broke so I was having lunch with my Mom (which she also paid for, subs which I insisted they heat although it turns out I can have all the listeria I want) and said "can you buy me a pregnancy test?" So of course she did. And I rushed in the bathroom but it was a big fat negative. Don't know what AF is up to. I am never ever in my life irregular...maybe it's the Zoloft (did I mention I switched from Prozac to Zoloft?). That's the only thing I can think of. It's got my cycle out of whack. Or maybe it's stress. Or maybe my body isn't ready yet. Or maybe I'm barren.
It got me thinking today about my daughter. If I couldn't have any other kids would she be enough. And the answer is of course. She is more than enough as she is perfect and loving and beautiful and soulful. But although she is more than enough I still want another one. Preferably a boy! But I will take any living baby God gives me.

Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. Ugh! I did go back to work after Blaine but have been off for just over a month. It's been really nice to be able to have sometime to myself, to cry when I want to cry, to rest when I want to rest, to obsess over every little part of this mess, to forget about every other stress in my life and just focus on this. But I can't stay home forever. I feel like the medication is actually helping me. Having gotten a second chance with Blaine has been a release. If I don't go back now I probably never will. I have to take the step. I have to test myself. We'll see.
Went to a wedding yesterday. Was nice, didn't get too depressed even though there was a woman sitting at our table who was exactly 4 months pregnant, just like I was. I wasn't sad to be sitting with her, didn't mind that she was pregnant. I was just upset because I kept thinking in my head that I should warn her. "Don't get too attached you don't have the baby home with you yet." "Don't make too many plans the baby could die any minute." I felt horrible but it's all I could think of. Someone was talking to her about not finding out if she's having a boy or a girl. What a nice surprise it would be. And all I could think was "it will surprise you more if the baby dies." It was horrible so I basically just ignored her as much as possible to keep the thoughts out of my head. Ugh!
And I'm still waiting for Aunt Flo. She's teasing me by coming a little late again this month. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant so she's just taking her sweet time to make me miserable again.

In Treatment

Today is another blah day. I had my first appt with a shrink yesterday. * Disclaimer: I do not mean any offence by using the words "crazy" or talking about ocd in a lighthearted way. I'm not really making fun it's just my way of talking about it. * He was not warm and fuzzy. His office was a mess and he had the light off but the curtains wide open so the sun was lighting the room. He didn't look more than 45 and he was a low talker so sometimes it was hard to hear him. I didn't dislike him. I guess I was expecting a male version of my therapist. Has anyone ever seen the show "In Treatment?" It's Gabriel Byrne playing a therapist and he's got a very warm and cozy office. That's what I was hoping for. But this guy was alright, he was at least very easy to talk to although I was not as comfortable crying in front of him as I am with Dolores. This is what free health care gets you right? lol...I was hopeful after leaving his office because he does not think I'm crazy or that I am going crazy. That is a concern with me because most days I feel like I'm borderline. Like if one more trauma happens I'm going to be flipping the light switch 14 times before I leave the house. I know I shouldn't watch the show "Obsessed" or "Intervention" or "Hoarding" but I can't help it. And sadly I can now relate to these people. There were two people on "Obsessed" the other night and I totally got what they were saying. I have the same anxiety and the same thoughts. At one point the therapist on the show was telling the ocd patient to do something as part of his cognitive behaviour therapy and the ocd guy was looking at the therapist like the therapist was insane and I totally agreed with the ocd guy!! The only difference is I still have my sense of logic. But if that goes I can totally see myself cleaning the house for 20 hours a day. Logic. That is what is separating us. The shrink who I will call "Fraser" for lack of a better nickname says as long as I worry about going crazy then I won't go crazy. He didn't quite word it like that but that's the gist of it. If you think about these things from a logical perspective then they will most likely not happen to you. That gives me hope. The few compulsions that I've had since April 13th are not going to push me over the edge. That is very good news for someone who feels as if they are living at the edge. I am not going over.

Today I am feeling a lot of anxiety. I know I have to go back to work either next week or the week after. I think I'm ready but I'm still anxious about it. I've been able to solely focus on me for a month now and it's felt good. I'm also worried about how I'm going to be treated when I get back. I've been a little bored and I miss the hustle of things around the office and having lunch with my friend Lisa. I think I'm ready to go back I'm just worried that I'm not going to be able to handle the stress. I'm worried I'm going to have a breakdown right there at my desk. But I won't know unless I try right?

On a lighter note. I may be going up to my in laws again in about a month...not for sure but most likely. If you look in Blaine's gallery, I have a pic of his name written in the sand by a waterfall and also, one of his name on the beach in the sand. They are labelled "up at Papa's house" If you would like me to do one for your little one please email me lilyorange2@yahoo.ca I don't know for sure if I'm going but if I do I will definitely take some pics. There's lots of beautiful spots up there.

So, I Googled it

I caved and googled "Prozac," "Prozac and Pregnancy," and "Prozac Side Effects." It was just as horrible as I imagined. And of course totally freaked me out. I ended up having to call MotherRisk which is this wonderful service through the Toronto Sick Kids Hospital. They have all the info on what drugs and activities are safe for pregnancies. I'm not even pregnant but had to check cause you never know when. And it's fine they've assured me, they've even followed kids up to the age of 6 to ensure there were no developmental problems in the early years. The woman on the phone warned me "don't google anything!" I said "I know I know."

Yesterday was a busy day. I also got in touch with the PBSO (Perinatal Bereavement Services) and signed up for group therapy. The woman I spoke to was of course another baby loss momma, cause we're everywhere aren't we? She was so sweet and so caring. She had some really good advice on something I've been struggling with and I decided to take her advice. The situation was that we never told my daughter about Blaine. She knew I was pregnant but not that we had him and he died. She still thought I was pregnant. So, as you recall from a previous post she was still kissing my belly every night and talking to the baby. The woman from PBSO said this was not really god for either of us. So, I told Sissie last night. She handled it so well. She was just very matter of fact. I asked her if she was sad and she said "no, I will see him when I go to Heaven" and that was that. She also said, next time we get pregnant "we'll get the baby out faster so he doesn't die" which I thought was really sweet and sad too. I was expecting a big breakdown but as the woman from PBSO explained at this age the kids are very black and white. They don't see the big issues that we see.

I feel relieved that I told her, she can go to the Butterfly Release with us next year, she can light a candle for him, she can be his big sis now. I don't have to hide him from her anymore. I feel a little sad too though. With Abby I could pretend Blaine was still here. He wasn't completely dead. We could talk to my belly and she was giving it kisses. He was still there. Now that she knows it's final. He's gone.

Not going to Google it!!! But please give your input

I just returned from a doctors appt. I have been diagnosed with Post Partum Depression. I had this after my girl so I'm not completely surprised. I have all the same symptoms I had then, just magnified by 100%. All of the symptoms of PPD plus dealing with a great loss. This time around it's obviously much harder. At least back then I had my beautiful Abby to take care of, made it worth it. It's not worth it now. Yes, I gave birth and my body is going through the same changes it would with any other birth. But I didn't get to bring the baby home. My baby didn't live. So why do I have to go through the post partum? This is just as bad as when the milk came. Two days after I had Blaine my breasts started lactating. Much to their surprise there was no hungry mouth to feed. No reason to swell up like balloons ladies. Although and he probably won't admit it to anyone else, my husband did smile a little those three days. MEN!

Back to the doctors, he has prescribed Prozac. I'm a bit anti drug. I don't even like to take a Tylenol when I have a headache. I did take Effexor for awhile last time and in all honesty it wasn't that bad...I didn't have any severe side effects. I have agreed to give Prozac a try. I will have to take it for 9 months or else can suffer a bad relapse. Which means if I am blessed enough to get preggo again I will have to be on the drug. I don't like this idea. My doctor has assured me that it is perfectly safe. I know the odds are in my favour. But hey, weren't the odds in my favour when I made it to a healthy 4 months with Blaine? Your not supposed to miscarry a healthy baby in a healthy pregnancy after the first trimester, everyone knows that. Statistics show that. Statistics are not my friend.

I am an avid googler. I google everything. My homepage when I log in is google. If I hear something or see something and want to know more I google it! I am not going to google Prozac, or I am trying desperately not to, like an addict I'm taking it minute by minute. I know there will be tons of bad stories about people who died or grew a third eye. I don't want to know. I am going to try to trust my doctor. But I will ask you out there...is anyone reading this on Prozac or have you been? Did you take any when pregnant? If you don't want to leave a comment for the world to see please email me ... lilyorange2@yahoo.ca. I would like some feedback without having to read all of the stuff that google brings up.

I've Come Undone

I had my first therapy session today. The minute I walked into the hospital I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. I haven't been back since April 13th. The chest pains came on. I wanted to run out the door. My therapist is on the 5th floor. That is the floor my son died on. I hate the 5th floor. I wondered when I was losing him why they would stick me on the 5th floor where the Continuous Care (elderly care) is and the Outpatient Mental Health Clinic is. Maybe they thought I'd snap.

My therapist's name is Dolores. Whenever I hear the name Dolores I think of "She's Come Undone." I liked Dolores as soon as I saw her. She's got this peaceful mother Earth kind of look and vibe. I started crying as soon as she shut the door to her office. And I didn't stop until I got home. I felt safe in her office. Like I could be myself. There are not many places that I feel that. At home, at my parent's home, at my daughter's karate studio (that probably sounds weird but I love that place and the people who run it) and now Dolores's office. I am all cried out but it felt good. It felt good to be sad instead of angry. I am angry a lot but not today. Dolores lost a baby too. It's nice to have a professional who can not only tell me something she read in a book but who has lived it. I don't think I could take advice from someone who hasn't been here.

I have to start making decisions and focusing on what will help me heal. Decision number one: I am taking some time off of work. For now two weeks. We'll decide again after that. It's going to be a pain cause I will have to fill out some paperwork I'm sure. I know they're not going to be happy about it. But I have to get rid of one of my stressers for now and focus on me. I have to focus on breathing. I don't breath very well these days. I feel like I have asthma but I don't actually have asthma. So for the next two weeks the only work I'm doing is breathing.

Flight or Fight

I've always had a very strong flight or fight reflex. I've always gotten the "gut feeling" when somethings not right. It's kept me safe, kept me close to people I can trust. Kept me smart. Lately though, I am all about the flight. I have that "gut feeling" 24/7. Even when I know logically I don't have to have my guard up.

Anxiety is not new to me. I had post partum depression after my daughter was born, was in therapy for a short period and medicated. I had learnt to control it though on my own. When I felt an anxious moment coming on I could reign it in...let reason take over, say a little prayer. Since the death of my son I have lost that ability. I sit at work at my desk, that's where it's the worst, and I can barely breath. I feel like a 300 pound man is sitting on my chest. The pain, physical pain, is so bad I have to get up and walk around and try to take deep breaths. But when you're having fairly intense chest pains you can't take a deep breath so you feel like you're suffocating. I have to do this about 3 times a day without letting anyone around me know what's happening. Cause I'm at work right and it's inappropriate to grieve my dead son at the office. I walk to the bathroom lock myself in the stall and just repeat, keep it together five more hours five more hours...then later in the day...three more hours...then...one more hour. Then I come home, take care of everything I need to take care of. If my husband isn't home then I put my daughter to bed and I fall apart. If he's home I "keep it together."

And then there's the nightmares. Mostly I have nightmares about old horror movies I've watched. Freddy Krueger is after me or Jason or some one just as deadly. They're after me and I"m running away. I have a recurrent dream that I'm trying to escape the Holocaust. Weird cause I'm not Jewish and it is like the actual Holocaust...like a scene from Schindler's List.

Then I wake up and start the next day.

The moments I don't feel anxious are amazing. I feel almost like my old self again. I'm laughing, playing with my family, having a great time. And then I start to get anxious about when I'm going to start feeling anxious again. Damn!!

Maybe I do have a little ppd again. I did technically give birth. Which brings me to a story of how insanely insensitive some people in the medical field are. When I called the hospital to make an appt with the out patient therapist the woman who was doing my intake on the phone asked if I would prefer to go to a ppd support group since I had with my daughter. So, she was asking me if I would like to go to a group with a bunch of women who had living babies and were suffering ppd. Would I like to go there with my dead son and sit around and look at all these living babies? She is very lucky I was at work during this conversation.

I spoke with a Pastor recently about all of this. I figure when something tragic happens we have two options, turn to God or turn to man. There's a quote I have on my Facebook right now from Max Lucado and he says "When all of earth turns against you, all of Heaven turns towards you." That's a really nice thought. I like to think that at this, the hardest time of my life, there are angels (my son among them) looking down on me, praying for me. The Pastor I spoke to suggested I memorize Phillippians 4: 6-8. It will hopefully help to relieve some of the anxiety and help my brain convince my body that there's no reason to fight or take flight. That I'm safe right where I am.