Tuesday Again? Oh Bloody *&^%

Today started off better than most. Due to a couple of early morning appts I had I actually got an extra half an hour sleep. Then it was off to therapy. Therapy session was brief. Mainly we talked about how amazing I am and how I really did it all on my own. I came into therapy with an action plan and have spearheaded my own recovery. I am the model patient. I couldn't love my therapist more at this point! So, we chatted for a bit and decided that while I would contact her if I had a relapse or needed to talk again, today would be my last official appt. I am no longer in crisis which is good but I will miss that quiet peaceful office. Then it was off to the psychiatrist. I'm not a big fan of this guy but whatever. We talked for a bit about how the meds are treating me. We talked about Blaine and how I was able to get him from the hospital and have him cremated. I did not mention to him that I sleep with the ashes although I did tell the therapist cause I know she gets it. I'm just more reserved talking to him because I feel like he might judge me. I'm sure he wouldn't but that's how I feel. I left the hospital feeling pretty darn good. Got to work. Started to go about my day. I snuck online of course to read some blogs. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Today is the 19th Tuesday. Every Tuesday will now have a number attached to it. Can't wait for the 543rd Tuesday. Today was the 19th Tuesday and I spent the exact moment of Blaine's death at the same hospital, on the same floor, talking about how much progress I've made in 19 weeks. And I was so concentrated on that that at the time I didn't even realize it. I had totally forgotten it was Tuesday. I forgot it was 8:40am. I forgot the only thing that seperated me from the scene of the crime was a corridor. So bye bye good day. I became increasingly agitated as the day wore on. Developed shoulder pain and headache. Hadn't the therapist just said how refreshed I looked? Puke. It didn't help that my IPOD battery died on me and so I had to listen to the drone of the keyboards clicking around me and the sound of people asking stupid questions. Thank God that this super nice guy I love at work brought me chocolate today. And my Mom who usually buys me lunch had plans and didn't invite me so I had to buy my own lunch! Okay that sounds like whining. But but but. I'm just frustrated that a great morning where I felt totally reassured and like I was making real progress turned into such a crappy afternoon. And that's how quick it is. One thought. One line on someone else's blog. One quick peek at the calendar. And I'm back scrambling around trying to find the sane girl again. And to top it off while I'm writing this I am talking to my sister on FB. Her and I are not really close. I love her and all and we get along but she lives in another province and we rarely rarely see each other. I'm talking every ten years rare. But still she is my sister. She is on my FB. I have a ticker on my FB that says "it's been blah blah blah since we said GOODBYE." I have an album of photos of Blaine's name which clearly is marked "Born and Died April 13, 2010" Almost all of my status updates are about finding strength in God or even "never thought she'd be so excited to pick up her sons ashes." One might think that even a casual observer might look at all of these things and think "Hmmm, did she lose a baby?" BIG LIGHTBULB GOING OFF ABOVE YOUR HEAD!!! or "Hmmm, several months ago I "liked" her status about being pregnant, wonder what's up with that?" I guess my sister never got it. She hasn't said one thing. NOT ONE THING. SHE HAS NOT SAID ONE THING. And here is the conversation we just had... the words in red were not part of the conversation but was what I was thinking at the time...

Her: hi elaine
7:03pm
Me : hey how are you doing? missing (her daughters name) I bet!!
7:04pm
Her: i am doing fine....i am missing her badly it was the hardest thing to do was saying goodbye (Really? I wouldn't know what that was like having)
7:05pm
Me : I see all of her facebook updates, she seems so grown up and like a very intelligent woman. You did an amazing job raising her.
7:11pm
Her: ya we did all i can tell you is teach them the right things and do as much as possable with them cause they grow up quick...(if they don't die first that is)
7:12pm
Me : we are trying to have another one but it's been a bit difficult since the baby died in April...can't seem to get pregnant for a third time! (ok maybe if I mention it she'll actually talk to me about it)
7:15pm
Her: yes i seen that on face book sorry for your loss...but for me baby day are over now i wait for grand baby hopefuly that is not for awail yet (really?)

ugh!!