Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. Ugh! I did go back to work after Blaine but have been off for just over a month. It's been really nice to be able to have sometime to myself, to cry when I want to cry, to rest when I want to rest, to obsess over every little part of this mess, to forget about every other stress in my life and just focus on this. But I can't stay home forever. I feel like the medication is actually helping me. Having gotten a second chance with Blaine has been a release. If I don't go back now I probably never will. I have to take the step. I have to test myself. We'll see.
Went to a wedding yesterday. Was nice, didn't get too depressed even though there was a woman sitting at our table who was exactly 4 months pregnant, just like I was. I wasn't sad to be sitting with her, didn't mind that she was pregnant. I was just upset because I kept thinking in my head that I should warn her. "Don't get too attached you don't have the baby home with you yet." "Don't make too many plans the baby could die any minute." I felt horrible but it's all I could think of. Someone was talking to her about not finding out if she's having a boy or a girl. What a nice surprise it would be. And all I could think was "it will surprise you more if the baby dies." It was horrible so I basically just ignored her as much as possible to keep the thoughts out of my head. Ugh!
And I'm still waiting for Aunt Flo. She's teasing me by coming a little late again this month. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant so she's just taking her sweet time to make me miserable again.