Another Day

Today is a good day. My hubby came and met me at work for lunch. I love it when he does that. It's our little time together. We don't get that often so we have to sneak it in when we can. Still no AF! 29 days now. I'm debating taking a test tonight. If it's positive it might make this week a little easier but if it's negative I could come crashing down.
I realize how much I built up September 18th in my head. It really is no worse than any other day. I've put it more into perspective now and I'm not as depressed about it as I have been earlier in the week. Blaine would not have been born exactly tomorrow so why is tomorrow more significant then any other day? I think it's just that most women have their babies before the due date. So, the due date is significant in the fact that the baby should be here by now. So, when us BLM are approaching our dd without the baby it's just another reminder. He should be with me. I should be carrying him around in a carrier, I should be full with milk, I should be off work, I should be changing diapers and giving baths and shopping for cute onesies. I should I should I should.
Last night I had a very bittersweet moment with big sis. We were saying prayers at bed time and the first thing she said was "God Bless Blaine." and then she said "God Bless Penny's baby and let him come out so he doesn't die." It was so sweet that she would think of Blaine and of her new growing cousin. But so sad that at age 5 she knows babies can die. I wonder how this will affect her when she becomes a woman. Will this make her nervous when she experiences her first pregnancy? Will she love the next baby a little more? Will she love her own babies a little more? How I respond to this is bigger than me and my issues. How I respond to this is affecting her. I can show her that when we face tragedy we crumble, we don't recover, we let it overwhelm us, we give in. Or I can show her that when faced with life's worst we survive, we conquer, we become stronger, we turn to God, we turn to our sisters. We fight.

Waves of Emotion

Today the bitterness has really sunk in. I found myself wondering how many zoloft it would take to put me in a coma for a week. (no I am not suicidal) I can't function today and today is only day one of what looks to be a week from hell. Today is 5 months since Blaine entered the human world dead. Or at least I think he was dead, wouldn't know since I didn't even look at him. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Saturday is D day. Today was brutal. There were no shining moments. Just a ball of bitterness and anger. And of course there were preggos everywhere. Everywhere I went. Can they not take one day off? And you know what is going to happen? I've realized I'm going to spend all week wondering if I'm pregnant and then AF is going to come on Saturday. You know she's like that. If she comes this month I'm welcoming her with a bottle of tequila. Today was the first day since I've been on my meds that I've had chest pains from anxiety. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and scream but I can't. I don't want to make any decisions this week. I don't want to think about anything else but Blaine. I want to feel close to him this week. I hope his urn arrives before Saturday. I got incredibly bitter today thinking about all of the abusive mothers out there who don't deserve to conceive children. I was just walking along and these thoughts came in my head. All of these horrible people who should be dead themselves never mind out there breeding while my son lies in a box in ashes. Literally in ashes. I've thought all day I should pray and ask God for some strength but I don't know if I want to. Not this week. This week I want to feel it. I want to feel the pain and the anger and the raw grief. I want to look like I just got hit by a bus. I want to have sleepless nights. I want to suffer. I can't explain why it just feels like I should. How dare I have any good moments this week. I don't want Him to take my pain away. Not yet. I need it this week. I need to feel B with me this week and the pain is one of the few things I have left. Hubby and I had a bit of a bickering. We were in the store trying to decide what to have for dinner and he says "get something to make you feel better." And every inch of me wanted to scream, "oh, I didn't know a microwavable dinner would bring B back to life!!" I didn't and insisted he pick out something for dinner because my brain is jelly right now but he wouldn't. Ugh!!! I know he means well and I love him for caring about me so much but stop asking me what's wrong. It is always the same thing. My son is dead. That's what's wrong. That's what was wrong two months ago and a day ago and 5 years from now. Life is wrong.

Welcoming Aunt Flo

I was thinking about all of the things I did differently last week when I smoked the dream pipe and thought I was pregnant. How I cut back on my coffee and only had two coffees the whole week! I drank green tea instead (the low caffeine version). I slept on my left side although I'm a stomach sleeper. I had very gentle sex with my hubby instead of the usual romp. I had a little skip in my steps thinking of all the possibilities. I sat on the subway instead of standing and gave men dirty looks when I couldn't get a seat. I rubbed my belly and called it CK. C for Caleb which is our next boy name and K for Kaitlyn which is our next girl name. I went to bed early. I started a pregnancy journal. I feel absolutely riduculous that I did all of this over a cyst! I rubbed my belly and called a cyst CK. I feel foolish. Even though it really isn't my fault and I really should sue the makers of the at home preggo test that gave me a false positive and in turn a false hope!!
Today I am welcoming Aunt Flo. How have I welcomed her? I allowed myself to curse. I said the "F" word more than once and I may have called Aunt Flo a "female dog." I normally don't curse or try not to because I think it makes me sound uneducated and don't want my daughter to hear me. I drank so much caffeine on Friday I couldn't get to sleep. I love Dr. Pepper and Iced Caps. One of either of those has the daily maximum suggested caffeine amount for a preggo woman. So, Friday after learning I was carrying a cyst not a baby I drank two of each. Yesterday I ate an undercooked Polish sausage. Listeria who? Tomorrow I'm having sushi for lunch. I went on a ride with my daughter at the Exhibition yesterday, a ride that specifically warned against pregnant women. Haha take that! Today I scrubbed my house clean with toxic chemicals. I may have inhaled too much. Or not enough? Depends on the perspective. I'm eating a bag of donuts right now instead of something healthy and I am planning on licking the extra sugar out of the bottom of the bag. I walked for ten hours yesterday straight (our annual trip to the Canadian National Ex). I wasn't going to make the excursion this year because I was supposed to be 36 weeks pregnant. I guess having a dead baby has it's advantageous. I have a bad cough so the past two nights I've been taking cough syrup so I can sleep uninterrupted.
So many things I really should not be doing but who cares at this point. If I had any alcohol in the house I'd probably be drinking too. Next month I may celebrate Aunt Flo's arrival with some wine. And chocolate. And coffee.