I though I had pretty much overcome all of the anger and bitterness I had surrounding Blaine's loss. Pause, I hate the word loss. Abby actually thought we had "lost" a baby because technically that's what the word means. I didn't lose him. He also didn't "die." I use the term "dead" baby but it's really false because to me he isn't dead. He is very much alive he just isn't here. But anyways, that's off topic. After Blaine left us I was pretty bitter about some things and I thought I had moved on from all of that. There's been a lot of recent posts on other mom's blogs and FB about unsupportive family and friends and about people forgetting or ignoring after a certain amount of time passes. Reading these have made me realize that I'm still bitter about that too. Especially now that I'm pregnant and hearing all of the well wishes certain people have for this baby. There are people who are expecting to be a part of the lives of my living children. I wish I could put a big sign up saying "guess what, if you didn't celebrate the life of the one that died, you don't get to be part of the living!" As bad as it sounds I want my living kids to know exactly who loved their brother and who could have cared less. I don't want them to be bitter and hateful about it but I want them to know who was there and who wasn't. Who couldn't be bothered to say "sorry for your loss" even. I will never forget the people who stepped up in my life and supported me one hundred percent. And I will also never forget the people who just looked away because they were too uncomfortable or just didn't care enough. I know you should forgive and forget and I will forgive but I won't forget. And I will find a way, even if it means renting a billboard!, to let these people know that they weren't there for Blaine so guess what, you don't get to be there for Caleb either. I think that's the last of my residual bitterness. I'm pretty accepting of everything else that has happened.
I've decided I have to send out some Valentine cards on Blaine's behalf. I bought cards for Abby to take to daycare and school and I was a little broken hearted thinking he wouldn't get to send out cards. He'll never have that cute little girl in his class that he's a little shy to give a card to. He'll never bring home a homemade envelope full of cards from all his friends and teachers. I have to do these things for him. Like everything else really, it will be on his behalf, from his loving Momma.
4 comments:
I think the V-day cards is a wonderful ideal! <3
Oh, Elaine....I completely agree with you. It's hard not to want to protect the memory of the child that is gone. Even if it means eliminating people from your life. Hoping you find some peace with the people that mean the most to you...or that they come around and support you the way you should be supported. ((hugs))
I understand how you feel. I've been pretty lucky and have had supportive people around me, but for those who disappeared after Jacob died...I won't exactly be welcoming them back into my life when I'm pregnant again and they want to be a part of that baby's life. Dead or alive, your child is your child and should receive the same acknowledgement as any other.
I like the Valentine's Day cards idea (hugs)
You read my mind (and maybe I wrote about this on my blog too - I can't remember...). I know the past couple of weeks were rough for me as I wished my family did a better job of asking how I'm doing with this pregnancy, and that made me angry because I thought they didn't do a great job asking how I was doing and am doing with my loss of Acacia. In my anger, I've thought the same thing as you - that friends and family that haven't been there for me have no right to expect to be a part of this baby's life. Like, they don't get to choose to only be a part of the "good"...I'm still working this one out for myself, and I have a feeling it will be a process that continues after this baby gets here. I hope you find your own peace with the process too!
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