Weepy Day

Yesterday was a rough day. Maybe because I've been listening to Josh Groban over and over again. Maybe I just needed a day to let it all out. I think I teared up everytime I saw Blaine's name yesterday, which is a challenge since the bathroom is the only room in my place that doesn't have Blaine's name somewhere in it! And then I really started sobbing. The ugly cry. You all know what I mean. I was cleaning off the rocking chair and putting all of Caleb's things on it so I could see everything together. And then I sat on the edge of my bed looking at it and I just broke. All I could think was "what am I going to do with all of this stuff if he dies?" I couldn't get that thought out of my head and I just sat there crying. And then I looked up at my dresser where Blaine's memory box sits along with the box of his remaining ashes and that made it worse. I haven't cried that much since I had that mucuos plug scare in December. Today I am a little more composed but still a little weepy. I'm glad I have today off of work because I know stress and me would not go well today.
Yesterday we were out for a walk and Abby asked me out of the blue "why don't we go to the graveyard to visit Blaine?" She, at 5, knows all about graveyards since we went to one for the Dove release in September. I explained to her that some people bury bodies in the graveyard but some people choose to turn the bodies into ashes instead. I told her Blaine's ashes were at home in the green velvet bag and some in the necklace I wear. She of course wants to see them now. I keep putting it off but Abby has the memory of an elephant. The other day she tore her room apart looking for a necklace she lost when she was 3! She doesn't forget. She mentioned it again this morning, "when can I see Blaine's sand?" "I want to see him." I talked to hubby and we don't really see an issue with showing it to her. I just keep thinking when is it going to be too much for her? When do the nightmares come? When will it just be too much for her little heart to handle? But she continues to surprise me. She is just so matter of fact about it. She says she is so lucky because she has her own angel. She said to me this morning "you have three kids now Momma." Why is it that 5 year olds are so wise? Many adults we all know choose to ignore the kids who aren't physically here. They'll say they have 2 grandkids instead of 3 because explaining one died is just too uncomfortable. But 5 year olds have no problem with it at all. If you were to ask her she'd say she has two brothers. One in Heaven and one in Momma.
Out of the mouth of babes right? Never ceasing to amaze me.