Right Where I Am, 2 years, 1 month, 13 days

I have been going back and forth about linking up with Angie @ Still Life With Circles for this year's Right Where I Am linkey doodle.  Here is my post from last year.  I just couldn't decide if I had it in me.

Where am I...a pretty good place.  I think, as good as it's going to get.

Most days I don't have the slightest inkling of depression, guilt or regret.  Some would chalk that up to having had another child.  I am one of the lucky ones who got pregnant again quickly and successfully.  Personally, I don't think that's it though.  I made a decision to feel better.  I make a decision everyday not to grieve anymore.  Many will tell you that you will never stop grieving for your child, that everyday you will feel the loss.  That's only true if you let it be your truth.  For me, that wasn't acceptable.  I have two living children who need a complete mother.  So, I decided months ago that that's what I would be.  That's one of the reasons I don't come on here as much anymore.  It isn't because I don't think of B or of the friends I met.  It's because if you surround yourself with sadness you will be sad.  If you surround yourself with loss you will feel lost.  Mind over matter.

So here I am, two years, one month and 13 days later.  I have my moments.  Just had one an hour ago.  Today I've been reliving a good birth experience.  Tomorrow is Caleb's first birthday.  So, all day today I've been thinking of his birth.  Then an hour ago, I flashed back to Blaine's.  How different it was.  I cried.  I felt that surge of guilt and shame.  But I recovered.  I pushed the negative thoughts out of my head.  That's an ability I didn't have last year.  Last year and the year before I couldn't for the life of me will myself better.  But now I can.  Mind over matter.

This is right where I am,  the Mother to three beautiful babies.  Two who walk with me and one who soars above me.  But not forever.  I don't need to "grieve" because I've "lost" Blaine.  I haven't.  He may soar above me now but it's not forever.  Someone has promised me something and I know he keeps his promises.  He's promised me that there will be a reunion.  And while I'm not the most patient person and I do find it very difficult to wait for something that I really really want, I will keep this in mind...earthly pain is temporary, children are not lost to those who are found.

Birthday Celebrations

"If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore."  It Will Rain by Bruno Mars

It's starting again.  The time when I can't hear or see anything that doesn't remind me of Blaine.  Two weeks from this Friday and we will be at 2 years.  2 years.  I remember how slow that first year went.  I thought life would never move on, that I would be stuck there forever.  The second year has moved much faster.  And I have had so much joy and happiness in it.  I still cry but not everyday.  I still wonder why.  I haven't had any moments of rage lately.  Today sort of but it was fleeting.  It's hard to be sad around Caleb.  I started crying today listening to this song and to another but Caleb immediately came over and smothered me with kisses.  I am healed in so many ways. 

We are going back to Florida for another family vacation soon.  The same vacation we had planned when I was pregnant with Blaine, the one we left for three days after.  Driving the same roads, staying at the same resort, shopping and eating at the same places.  A lot about that trip is a blur to me.  I look at the photos and I think I faked a smile pretty well.   I do remember certain things very vividly.  Mostly the sad moments.  I remember the bathroom stall at the pool that I used to go and cry in.  I remember sucking in my gut when I ordered a pina colado so that no one would think I was pregnant.  I remember how bad the cramps got while we were shopping, so bad I thought I was hemorraging.  I remember driving there and making a mental note of all the hospital signs we saw just in case something else happened.  What I remember the most was the sense that I had forgotten something.  When I packed, unpacked, when I walked into a room, when we drove somewhere.  I kept thinking to myself "what did I forget?" 
I have to admit, I'm incredibly nervous to go back.  I really didn't want to but hubby insisted on this vacation spot.  I'm afraid I'm going to be miserable going back there.  I was talking to my friend on the phone the other night and she said that she thought it would be good.  That I would be going back and creating good memories to replace the old.  I'm trying to look at it from that perspective.  I'm really scared though that it's just going to be another week of faking it.  Faking smiles to cover the fact that I am nauseaus and sad and angry.  Plus, we're going with my mom, my sister and law and her two kids.  Talk about stress! 

And then there's Blaine's birthday to contend with.  Obviously I will want to do something.  But what?  And how am I going to feel that day?  It's hard enough to plan a living child's birthday party! 
If you have read this far then you are a true friend!  lol   The problem with taking a break is that when you do write you have a lot to say! 

Thankful for the Small Things

Psalm 104: 27,28

*All creatures look to you to give them their food at the proper time. When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things.*

I wanted to write a quick post and link up with Fran's "Small Miracles" from Small Bird Studio. 



What are the small things in life that bring me joy?  That make life worth living? 

If I took this to the very smallest of things in my life I would say coffee!  I am thankful for coffee, some mornings I wake up and it's the very first thing I think of.  I can taste it and smell it before I've brewed it or bought it. 

Thinking bigger.  Abby and Caleb and Hubby.  I am so so thankful for my little living family.  The family that I get to love and enjoy everyday.  When I think of Abby I am most thankful for her laugh and for her sweet heart.  She has such an infectious laugh.  You can't hear it and not laugh along with her.  It is loud and girly and demands attention.  C, his kisses and hugs.  They are normally messy and violent.  He grabs my face with both hands and pulls me to him, smashes his lips against me and smooshes them all around.  He makes a sound like "mum mum mum," as if he's trying to eat my face.  I could sit and kiss this kid for hours.  Hubby, watching him take care of us, especially when he does things I know he hates like change diapers or sweep the floor.  I know he is doing it to make things easier for me.  You know what's sexy?  A man doing housework and taking care of kids!  There are so many small things I am thankful for each day and I honestly try to make an attempt to notice them and thank God for them.  I read this poster that said "What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"  With that in mind I try never to go to bed without giving God his glory and letting him know what I appreciate in my life.  I even try to include Blaine in each prayer of gratitude.  Thankful to God for giving him to me and for the lessons that came with his short life and death. 

Those are my small moments.  This is our day to day life.  Kisses and laughter and dirty dishes.

Merry Christmas

A couple of days late.  I've been catching up today on the blogs I follow.  I'm glad to hear there were lots of peaceful and joy filled Christmases out there.    Sad to hear of so many families still without a rainbow, or worse, missing multiple children this year.

Here is a photo of a candle that my friend Dana lit in memory of Blaine....and below it a poem I came across

We had a pretty good Christmas.  It was a very toned down year.  I didn't go out and spend the money I usually spend.  I've decided I don't want to make Christmas a time of excess for the kids.  I want them to learn the true meaning of giving not getting.  And I want to create family traditions outside of just opening presents.  This year was a good start and no one seemed to care that I didn't spend thousands on presents...yes, I usually spend that much on presents.  Here is a photo of me and the kids...

Happy New Year to all!  I hope 2012 brings more joy, more love, more peace, more memories.

Sharing Photos

Here are some photos of us ... my girl, the Red Queen, the three of us, me as a Milkmaid for a party I went to ...

Day 31 - Happy Halloween!

Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren)
No, I feel I'm pretty open already.  It was good though to think over some things I haven't talked about in awhile and to see the difference of where I was a year ago and where I am now.

I am a big lover of Halloween.  I know some Christians don't celebrate because they think it's the devil's day or something.  I don't think I'm celebrating the devil by celebrating Halloween anymore than a non believer is celebrating Jesus by buying Christmas presents.  To be honest, I just want free candy!
I've never been creeped out by costumes and even now, having a dead baby, I'm still not creeped out by the imagery of skeletons and tombstones and zombies. I do wonder two things about children's costumes though: 1) why do little girls need to dress like tranny hookers?  Have you seen some of the costumes available now?  Disgusting.  2)  why would you want to dress your child like a skeleton or any other dead thing?  Why can't kids just be fun and playful and childlike?  Caleb is a puppy this year, Abigail is the red queen from Alice in Wonderland (a respectful dress that goes down to her ankles), and I was a milkmaid for a party I went to on Saturday night.  Again a respectful dress not the skanky version.  One thing has changed though, it used to be a tradition for me to watch some scary horror movies this time of year.  I can't do that anymore.  My anxiety is just way too present.  I can't fill my head and soul with that kind of stuff anymore, especially the slasher stuff.  I will most likely never go to another haunted house either.  I remember going to one years ago and it was an "insane asylum" set up.  In one of the rooms a woman was sitting in a rocking chair holding a bloodied doll head.  Talking to it and rocking it.  Obviously meant to be a woman who had gone crazy and killed her child or lost her child and went crazy with grief.  Back then I thought nothing of it except "holy morbid!"  If I saw that now I'd flip my wig.  I know how closely I came to being that woman.

Days 26 - 29

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

These past few days have been okay.  I was at my folks yesterday and this morning, that is stressful on a whole other level.  But I am happy.  I am genuinely happy.

Day 27: Share a picture. ~ this is me and my daughter at a Dove Release in Oct 2010.  Well, Caleb is there too but just a little nugget.

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

Yes and yes.  See, Caleb's Shower! 

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
 
Blaine is in Heaven and I will go to Heaven and join him when I die.  That's that.  I have no doubts.  I don't think he's an actual angel even though I call him that once in awhile.  Angels are angels and people are people.  I don't think he has little wings and flies around although I do summon that imagery once in awhile as a comfort.  I picture him to be a toddler, maybe 3 or 4.  Exactly how I pictured he would have looked on earth.  Perfect.

Music

Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)?

I have several, including...

The Dance by Garth Brooks
"For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"

Who'd You Be Today by Kenny Chesney
"It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through"

and my favourite, my blog namesake...

In My Bones by Blue Rodeo
"Every time you walk out
You take a part of me
A part I hide so deep inside so no one sees
The beauty that nobody owns
In my bones
You walk with me wherever I'm going
In my bones"

there are many others.  I think music has always been so therapeutic for me.  I'm not musically talented, even Abby covers my mouth and tells me I'm a bad singer.  I tried to learn the guitar once but it didn't work out.  I've always been able to use music as an escape though.  When my parents would be screaming at each other or my brother I'd go in my room with a book and turn my stereo on.  I'd be off in another world. 

Anger Issues

Day 20:  If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?

I am not always angry but I do have moments of anger and bitterness.  I think the thing I am most angry with is the unfairness of it all.  I didn't grow up in the best of families or in the best of neighbourhoods so I see people all around me who are abusive and/or neglectful of their kids.  I've seen people swear at their kids, call them names, scream at them, hit them with belts, parents who just ignore their kids and let other people raise them, parents who try to give their kids away to family cause they don't want them anymore.  I know women who pop out kid after kid from all sorts of different fathers, women who smoke and drink while pregnant.  I've seen a lot of this in my own family and I tolerated it before but now I can't even look at these people.  I was at a party once and thank God this was before Blaine, this woman had like 5 beers and was smoking the entire night and was clearly pregnant.  And then she had the nerve to complain that she "couldn't really party" because she was pregnant.  It took all I had not to say something.  If I saw that now, after losing my son, I'd punch her in the throat for sure.  I'm bitter that people who treat their kids like crap or like accessories (got to have the 2.5 kids! even if you don't really like them) have absolutely no problem having them.  I'm bitter that the best women I know struggle to mother a living child while some of the worst I've met can have as many as they want.  I'm so bitter about this stuff that as I'm thinking this post out in my head and typing it I'm having to cut out a lot of cussing!   One of the few things that gets me swearing is bad parenting. 

I'm angry, less so but still a little, at people who never acknowledged my son even existed.  Those people don't exist to me anymore.  For those of you on FB you saw my post in BLM Bloggers re: one person's attempt to use my son to get attention for herself.  I don't know if I"m more bitter at people not acknowledging him or people acknowledging him for their own agenda.
Even though it might sound like it, I'm not always bitter and angry.  I realized the other day that I'm actually pretty happy.  I've got a good life right now.  But there are days.  Dark days.  Luckily they are few and far between and are usually triggered by something or someone.  I know my triggers though and do my best to avoid them and stay in a safe mental place.

Alone Time

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?


It's ironic that this question is coming up today.  Last night I tried desperateley to have a bath by myself.  I love baths, I'm a dolphin at heart.  I didn't take them when I was pregnant with Caleb because I was afraid of getting water and germs "up there."  And I haven't taken one since Caleb because our bathtub needs to be reenamaled.  At my parents house yesterday I was determined.  I fed Caleb, got him settled, cleaned out the tub and settled into a hot bubble bath.  It lasted about 3 minutes.  Abby and her grandma started arguing so she came into the bathroom.  And then I remembered it was almost 9pm and they needed baths too so I ended up bringing Caleb in with me and then Abby. 
I do TRY to take time to myself and am planning a much needed spa trip for my bday next month.  Otherwise the only time I really get is when Caleb is sleeping or I go to the store by myself.
After Blaine was born I really loved my Thursday nights.  Well loved and hated.  It was my time to really grieve.  Hubby was at baseball and I would put Abby to bed at 8pm and I would sit at the computer and read poems, read blogs, google photos of fetuses at 17 week gestation, etc.  I would just cry my eyes out and it felt so so good. 

Thank you to everyone who remembered us yesterday.  I had 23 notifications in my FB just now and several emails as well.  You are all one of the many blessings God has given me.  

18 Months of Change

wow.  Yesterday was 18 months since Blaine left earth.  18 months.  It seems like such a short time and like forever, all at once.  A whole year and a half has passed and I found myself doing a lot of reflection yesterday.  The person I was and am now.  I am more sensitive now, softer.  It may not seem that way when I'm having a bitter rant but it's true.  I'm more self conscious now.  I don't fully trust myself, my decisions, my body, the way I used to.  I've always been logical, realistic, sometimes even cold (at least my mother says I'm cold), able to turn off my emotions (at least to those who don't know me).  But now I find I am even more of these things.  I have no naivete left in me.  Even though I feel more emotions now and more love for so many people I am also much more capable of outwardly turning that all off when I feel I need to protect it.  I've learnt a lot about life, love, heartache, friendship, family, values, God, myself, and a host of other things.  I would never say I'm glad I lost Blaine but I am glad I am who I am now.  I am glad for the lessons I've been taught.  As much as we never want to say "God has a plan" or "There's a reason for the pain" and I would certainly never say that to someone who just lost a child, in my case it was true.  I feel I have more purpose now.  I'm a better mother, wife, friend.  I can't honestly say I appreciate everyday and never complain but I am now looking at my life through glasses of gratitude.  I'll be 33 years old next month and I feel I learnt a whole lifetime of lessons in 18 months.

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.


We have a memory box for Blaine's things.  I have some scrapbook pages.  I blog about him (obviously).  I make sure that when it counts he is counted.

Family

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?


I'm sure they dealt with MY LOSS the best way they thought THEY COULD HANDLE.  lol   No, not at all bitter.  At first they were very supportive.  They all came to the hospital, took me home, made sure I was doing okay.  My Dad even called me the next day to tell me he loved me which is not really something we do in our family.  My Mom checked on me a couple of days later and brought me a thermometer so I could make sure I didn't get a fever.  And then nothing.  And more nothing.  When we got Blaine's body my Mom came to the funeral home with me and paid for the services.  She prayed with me in the chapel.  And then nothing.  They haven't mentioned him since and that was 14 months ago.  No mention of him at Christmas or on his birthday.  I don't know if they just assume I'm over it or if they're just over it.  My daughter actually brought it up to my Mom after Caleb was born.  Telling her how she has three grandchildren now.  At first my Mom was like "huh" and then clicked in. 
As for in laws I didn't expect much anyway.  They're not the emotional or talking type.  Conversations are either gossiping about someone else's life or jokingly making fun of each other about something.  I'm sure I've been the topic of much gossip and I have no doubt some of them think I deserve what I got. 
The thing I was amazed by most was that I received the most love from people who I didn't expect it from.  Acquaintances, people at work, our martial arts instructors (Ma'am and Sir as we call them), and of course all of my new online family (sisters in grief).  That's my family now, that's the family my children deserve to be in.

Speaking of marital arts, I had my workout this morning.  I had a complete flashback.  We were doing a certain exercise that we haven't done, or at least I haven't, in awhile.  In fact I remembered as I was doing it that the last time was when I was pregnant with Blaine.  I vividly remembered exactly what I was wearing and how I went extra slow just to make sure I didn't fall.  And then of course it crossed my mind, "did this cause it?"  I'm happy to say I was able to keep it together and not show on the outside that suddenly my mind and heart were flipped upside down.

Update on CarSeat Law! And Days 8 & 9

As I said Friday I immediately emailed our Ministry of Transportation re: the carseat in taxis law or lack thereof.  They responded and I was actually right.  So, I'm correcting my correction!  It is legal for a taxi cab operator to drive children in the car without a carseat but it is not legal for the adult with the child to not have a carseat.  The onus is on the caregiver/parent.

"The driver of a taxicab while transporting a passenger for hire is
exempt from having to provide a child safety seat.
Those using the service of a taxi cab are NOT exempt from using a child
safety seat. It is the caregivers responsibility to ensure the child is
properly secured.
We thank you for your inquiry and encourage you to contact us in the
future as we continually strive to improve our service to our customers."

So, what do I do?  Take photos of the parents and send them to child services? 

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

Yes.  For the first few months it was the opposite but now I am definitely happier than I was and although I have random moments of sadness throughout the day I am never overwhelmed by it.

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

My daughter seems more sensitive now, she is more interested in babies, she talks a lot about death and Heaven and God, she always points out when we pass a cemetary, she knows the names of my BLM's children.  I think it has affected her in a positive way.  She knows the world can be a sad place and she knows sometimes life cannot be about her.  I know when she is a woman if tragedy were to strike her or her friend or family member, she will be the one who knows what to say and do. 

The Dreaded Question From Hell

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?

It really depends on who is asking and how much time I have.  I hate to ever deny Blaine existed but if a clearly pregnant woman is asking or I'm somewhere enjoying someone else's day like a wedding or shower, I don't want to spoil it.  You don't want to tell a pregnant woman you have a dead baby.  I know when I was pregnant with Abby and Blaine it would have been the last thing I wanted to hear (well other than "you're having a miscarriage").  I will answer honestly though if I don't care how the other person feels or if it's someone who should know better. 
Personally this is a question I will never ask again.  I will never put another parent in the position of having to answer.  I will also never ask the following: "when are you planning on starting a family?"  (they may be trying desperately) or "so you never wanted children of your own?"  (who knows how many losses they had before giving up).

On a side note and because my blood is boiling I have to rant about this.  Okay yes yes yes, I openly admit I judge other parents.  Especially since losing Blaine.  No, I am not perfect, I've made mistakes with my kids.  Who knows why Blaine died, something I did?  Maybe.  I don't expect other parents to be perfect but if you're not even going to try then what's the point?  What set this off?  Seeing another parent get out of a taxi cab with a small toddler and NO CAR SEAT.  Yes, it's a taxi but guess what, look up the law, car seats are still required!  And even if they weren't why would you not use one because you WANT TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS!!  Do taxis have a magical bubble around them to protect kids from injury?  Have drunk drivers and speeders and reckless motorists all signed a treaty to steer clear of taxis?  Unfortunately this is going to be one of those things where some poor kids are going to have to be brutally killed in an accident before stupid people take notice.  I am tempted to call the police and get the number for traffic violations and then call it and report the cab companies every time I see this happen from now on.  Maybe I'm overreacting but I'm a little sensitive at the sight of parents playing russian roulette with their kids lives just so they don't have to take the bus.

Day 1 - 4

I am coming to this a couple of days late so I'll do 4 days today.  I've decided to be lazy, if the question is already something I've discussed on the blog then I'm just going to refer to that post.  Well it isn't just laziness but I thought it would be interesting, especially if the posts were several months apart.
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.

Who Am I - July 21 2010
I Am - Oct 2 2011

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

Abby, my princess, my diva, my twin soul.  She has all of my good traits and just a couple of my bad.  She never ceases to amaze me with her brilliance. 
Blaine, my first born son, my lost one.  I know how I picture him and I imagine everyday what he is doing.
Caleb, the new kid on the block, my second son, my rainbow.  He knew when to kick and punch to ease my anxiety and now he fills my days with smiles, giggles and hugs.

My ABC's. 


Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"

My husband, my daughter and the those of us in this sad world of mourning mothers (and fathers).

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

I feel like I could give this the same answer as Day 3.  Husband, daughter, BLM's.  All true.  I think what keeps me going somedays though is my faith in God and Heaven.  My belief that Heaven is a real place and that Blaine is there.  "He will not come to me but I will go to him." 

I Am

I am.
I am a mother and a wife
I am a friend, a daughter, a cousin, a sister
I am a knitter and avid tv watcher and player of games
I am a writer and reader
I am a lover of good wine and cheese
I am so many things, different things to different people in all different places
But this month, October, I am one thing more than all the others
I am a face
One face among many
I am the face of a mother whose child has gone on before her
I am the face of a mother who carries her child around her neck instead of in her arms
I am the face of a mother who beat the statistics but not in a good way
I am the face of a family who will always be missing someone

I actually don't believe the 1 in 4 statistic.  I think it's probably closer to 1 in 3 or even, as one doctor said, 1 in 2.  1 in 4 are the reported miscarriages, stillbirths and infant loss.  But what about the unreported.  Women who weren't sure or didn't know they were pregnant or who miscarried early and never told anyone?  And what about the babies whose death was not an accident but purposeful?  1 in 4 does not include aborted children, unless they are medical terminations.  What about the elective ones?

I hate to use the word Awareness and describe October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I am fully aware of more than I ever wanted to know about loss and grief.  I don't think we need to make people aware that babies die or that families suffer from it.  I think what we need is to make people REMEMBER.  Remember my child with me.  Remember his life and what should have been.  The people we so desperately want to remember our children with us are already aware.   For me, October is about remembrance and celebration.  Remembering the life I held, the loss I feel, celebrating the love we felt and what the future holds for us. 

Period.

Yes it's that time.  It's amazing how getting my period can bring up so many emotions.  Maybe it's partially the hormones.  I remember when I first got my period, as a teenager.  I think I was in grade 7.  My Mom took me shopping and out to lunch.  I remember thinking about how having my period meant I could have a baby one day.  Naive.  To my young heart a period, as inconvienient as it was, was a symbol of life.  Not that I got all emotional and mother earth every month but that was what I believed of it.  When you start trying to get pregnant it takes on a whole new meaning.  Each period is a curse.  Especially after losing a baby.  While I only had 4 periods in between Blaine and Caleb they were each a slap in the face.  Another month that I wasn't going to have a baby.  Another month I felt I failed.  I dreaded them and hated them.  Now I have my rainbow.  I don't plan on having any more children.  I would love to have two or three more but I don't believe in having kids just because you want them.  I have to look at everything in my life and decide if it's good for the child, not for me.  Having another living child would make it harder on the two I have.  I wouldn't be able to do as much for them.  Wouldn't be able to pay for university.  Wouldn't be able to spend as much time one on one with each of them.  So, unless we win the lottery and I can quit my job, two living children is it.  So, why is getting my period making me so sad?  I think it's just the reminder of what it meant for those 4 months.  How hard it was for me to have it between babies.  Where it once was a symbol of life to me it is now a symbol of death.  Of emptiness.  I just wonder, am I going to feel this way every month for the rest of my ovulating life?

A Break

I have felt the need to take a break from this space for awhile. Not from reading but from writing. There is just so much going on in my head everyday but unfortunately it's nothing new. I find I still need to visit here everyday. I need to read the blogs of Blaine's friends, I need to look at his name photos, it is my time with him. I talked about this to Dana. This space is Blaine's, even if it is shared with his big sis and little bro. When I blog or do blog related activities it is like I'm spending time with him. It's the same to me as taking sis to karate and watching her learn and play. It's the same as lying on the bed making googly faces at brother and watching him learn and discover. This is my time with my middle child, my first son, the one I am waiting to meet. I wish I still had "profound" things to write everyday. Like I did last summer when it was still so fresh. Now, I think we've settled into our new norm. The emotions I have, the guilts, the regrets, the joys, are what will last me a lifetime. Nothing new is going to happen.

The Simple Things and 30 Days of Questions

I watched the movie "Devil" last night and one line from it has stuck with me. At the end one of the characters is explaining how he forgave someone who did something horrible to him. He says "my Grandma used to say, if you believe the devil exists then you also have to believe that God exists."

I'm such a negative person. It's not entirely my fault. I do have an anxiety disorder. However, I know I choose to focus on the negative at times. This summer I have been making a conscious effort to focus on the positive, even the things that seem simple. But I need to go bigger than that. Yes the devil exists but so does God. Yes, I have to raise my children in a not so nice neighbourhood, around people I don't want them to be anything like, with a lot going on in the world that could hurt them. Yes, something could happen to me or hubby tomorrow, or both of us. But if I spend all of my time thinking about all of those things then I'm going to miss out on enjoying all of the good things that are happening around me. What if my kids turn out great! What if they live long healthy lives! What if me and hubby are so old he has to push me around in a chair and change my catheter! I'll have wasted so much time and energy on the negative.

So, I am spending this time focusing on the good and the things that deserve my attention, such as:

a hot coffee and bagel while I write this

the way Caleb smiles at me whenever he sees me

the fact that only I can satisfy him cause all he wants is boob! he doesn't even want milk pumped into a bottle, he wants it right from the source.

Sissy being such a huge help and always wanting to be around him and play with him

how excited Sissy got when Caleb smiled at her for the first time on her birthday

the fact that my husband wants to help with the baby!!

school is out! and we have all summer for fun together, trips and days at the pool are awaiting us

There is so much more I have to be thankful for but these things in particular have sat with me for the past few days. I am truly blessed and that's what I need to remember. I wrote "lucky" instead of "blessed" but changed it. As Nicki Minaj says "no I'm not lucky I'm blessed."

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have : breastfeeding; raising wonderful human beings; early retirement
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them : none right now but used to be called Mutt, Lainey, Beanie
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future : hopefully will stay married to my hubby
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy : I still love getting name photos

A Mother Torn in Two

I just found this on the Kota Loss and Compassion site... this is it...

No Choice
by Wendy Plumley

My eyes are swollen
beyond capacity
from unshed tears.
My heart is numb
and I am broken
from one
too many blows.


I refuse the pain,
and therefore
dare not cry,
lest I dissipate
in the salty torrent
of anguish,
without hope of
ever resurfacing.


Gasping for air,
I must fight
the towering
waves of grief
that threaten
to engulf me.
For once so lost
it is impossible
to return.


No cut
or wound
could hurt
more deeply
than this
devastating
loss.


So understand
I do not cry,
because she needs me.
My body will cling
to a precarious sanity
and remain,
though my soul
has long fled
this treacherous world
because I need him.


A mother, torn in two.


In the author's words
The above poem was written for a mother who struggles to remain in this world for her young daughter, whilst all the time dreadfully missing her son.