Blaine is Still With Us

I thought I'd just quickly check my email.  I never check my email when I'm at my parents house but it had been a couple of days, I just had my coffee and Abby was playing contentedly.  A quick email check.  I opened my email and the first one I noticed was from a name I didn't recognize and the subject line was simply "Blaine."  I figured it was another BLM who was sending me a surprise name photo.  I opened it and started to read and then 5 little words popped out at me "Blaine is still with us."  I reread that line over and over.  How can this be?
Backtrack for those of you who have not read our story.  When Blaine was born we walked away without him.  Because of baby killing laws in my country you don't have to make funeral arrangements for babies born under 20 weeks.  With me being in shock I had no idea what to do so we just left him at the hospital.  I regretted this decision immediately.  I spent the next few months desperate.  What happened to him?  Where was his body?  Every time I looked at the smoke stack that sticks up from the hospital I wondered if he had been burned with the medical waste.
I got in touch with a woman named Cyndi from a local bereavement group.  She did her best to try to get me any information, an u/s photo, photo of his body, anything.  And then, like manna from Heaven, my own personal miracle came in the form of an email, from a nurse at the hospital.  Forget the parting of the red seas, this was bigger than walking on water or turning water into wine.  For an "unexplained" reason Blaine had been embalmed in a jar in the lab at the hospital and then forgotten about.  4 months later he was still there.  Yes, if you were wondering, babies under 20 weeks who are not taken home are disposed of with the medical waste.  Not at the hospital, they are taken off site.  I found this out after I had him back.  This unfortunately happened to a family I met in the bereavement group.  But Blaine had been "missed."
These 5 words probably saved my sanity.  I have no idea where I would be mentally right now if I had found out he had been disposed of with someone's infected liver.  I have to credit Cyndi who worked so hard to help me and then Shelly at the hospital who found him and contacted me.  The funeral home was amazing, so caring and compassionate.  I had to make all of the arrangements myself, the funeral home manager was the one who came with me and stood beside me as I viewed Blaine's little body in his beautiful white casket.
My husband, Cyndi, Shelly and the funeral home manager all tried to figure out why Blaine was still there.  Not that any of us were complaining but what happened?  I didn't care.  I, like Tebow, am not afraid to bend a knee.  I know whose work this was.  God kept Blaine there at the hospital until I was ready to meet him.  He knew his plans for me, not to hurt me but to make me prosper.  (Jeremiah 29:11)  He knew as I stood looking at the little body that seemed to have just fallen from my womb that one day I would need this.  That one day returning my son to me would return his daughter to Him.

Happy Resurrection Day!!

This is the day.  The epitome of our faith.  If we didn't have today we would be like every other religion.  Because of today we grieve but it is not a hopeless grief.  I do not need to wonder where Blaine is or what happened to him when his heart stopped.  Because of today I know.  Because of today I will hold him and love him and hear him call me Momma. 

He is risen, He is risen!! 

Abby and I were talking about Heaven today and what we think is being done up there to prepare for our arrival.  We both agreed that Blaine must be very skilled at something.  Maybe he's a great painter or carpenter or landscaper.  That's why he was needed so soon, why he didn't have time for an earthly stopover.  Abby says he's probably getting the pool ready at our house! 

So Happy Resurrection Day to all of you.  Even though your babies are not in your arms I hope you take comfort in knowing that they will be one day.

From Jesus' Burial by Max Lucado

But then, Sunday arrives. And with Sunday comes light—a light within the tomb. A bright light? A soft light? Flashing? Hovering? We don’t know. But there was a light. For he is the light. And with the light came life. Just as the darkness was banished, now the decay is reversed. Heaven blows and Jesus breathes. His chest expands. Waxy lips open. Wooden fingers lift. Heart valves swish and hinged joints bend.


And, as we envision the moment, we stand in awe.


We stand in awe not just because of what we see, but because of what we know… We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us” (Rom. 6:5–9 MSG).

Days 26 - 29

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

These past few days have been okay.  I was at my folks yesterday and this morning, that is stressful on a whole other level.  But I am happy.  I am genuinely happy.

Day 27: Share a picture. ~ this is me and my daughter at a Dove Release in Oct 2010.  Well, Caleb is there too but just a little nugget.

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

Yes and yes.  See, Caleb's Shower! 

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
 
Blaine is in Heaven and I will go to Heaven and join him when I die.  That's that.  I have no doubts.  I don't think he's an actual angel even though I call him that once in awhile.  Angels are angels and people are people.  I don't think he has little wings and flies around although I do summon that imagery once in awhile as a comfort.  I picture him to be a toddler, maybe 3 or 4.  Exactly how I pictured he would have looked on earth.  Perfect.

Day 17

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?

I actually hope not.  I like to think he's up there living his own life not watching me.   I have an idea in my head of what Heaven is like.  I don't think he has the time to spend watching over me and making sure I'm okay.  And that's not his job.  That being said, it is nice to see a sign once in awhile or feel a breeze on my face or other reminders and think to myself "he's here."

Day 1 - 4

I am coming to this a couple of days late so I'll do 4 days today.  I've decided to be lazy, if the question is already something I've discussed on the blog then I'm just going to refer to that post.  Well it isn't just laziness but I thought it would be interesting, especially if the posts were several months apart.
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.

Who Am I - July 21 2010
I Am - Oct 2 2011

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

Abby, my princess, my diva, my twin soul.  She has all of my good traits and just a couple of my bad.  She never ceases to amaze me with her brilliance. 
Blaine, my first born son, my lost one.  I know how I picture him and I imagine everyday what he is doing.
Caleb, the new kid on the block, my second son, my rainbow.  He knew when to kick and punch to ease my anxiety and now he fills my days with smiles, giggles and hugs.

My ABC's. 


Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"

My husband, my daughter and the those of us in this sad world of mourning mothers (and fathers).

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

I feel like I could give this the same answer as Day 3.  Husband, daughter, BLM's.  All true.  I think what keeps me going somedays though is my faith in God and Heaven.  My belief that Heaven is a real place and that Blaine is there.  "He will not come to me but I will go to him." 

August 19th - Day of Hope

Untitled

I've been having a really hard time writing this week. I've got a swirl of emotions around me but I can't sit down and type. I think I've taken a thousand pics of Caleb. I still can't believe he's real or that this will last. I've had to take a break from reading a lot of blogs because everytime I see a picture of a dead baby I see his face. He looks up at me and he smiles this big smile ear to ear and I know if anything happens to this boy I will follow him. Even more than it was with Abby my life is now connected to his. Talk about putting a lot of pressure on your son. I just hope I can get past this before he's old enough to wonder why his mother is so crazy for him. I'm really really trying to focus on all of the positive and not live in fear. Breastfeeding is going very very well, he is a great eater and latches like a champ. Abby is off school and we are having a great time. Took some field trips last week with her karate camp. It's such a joy to watch her play and she gets off a ride and yells "that was awesome!" She is awesome! I am blessed to have two beautiful kids here with me. I just have to relax and enjoy it instead of worrying that each moment may be the last.
Abby has been talking about death a lot more since my parents dog died a couple of weeks ago and a police officer was killed at that sametime and it was all over the news. She has been comfortable with the topic since we explained Blaine's death but now I wonder if she's a little too comfortable with it. She has this image that all of these dead people and animals are just up there in Heaven playing ball together. The police officer is there with Blaine and Suzy (the dog). Oh and Tuna our dead piranha! Apparently in Heaven fish can catch. I love that she groups everyone together but I worry about it. Yes, I know, I worry about everything.

Mother's Day and Other Ramblings

I read "Heaven is for Real" yesterday. Yes, the whole book. It was that good (and small). I've decided to put the cynic in me aside and believe it. I got chills at some parts, especially looking at the photo of what very well could be the face of Jesus. I barely got through chapter 17. It was just so believable and so moving. I love the description of Colton meeting his sister, the one he never knew he had. The one that had died in Mommy's tummy. I loved the way she didn't have a name because they hadn't named her and the way God had adopted her to be his own. Sometimes we have to take a leap of faith and I've decided that I'm doing that with this book. After all Colton does keep reminding us that Jesus really really loves children, so why wouldn't he choose one to be a witness for our generation?




Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I remember last Mother's Day was so strange. I had my Abby so I got my gifts and cards and breakfast in bed. But I was missing my boy. I desperately wished for my hubby to get me a card or something from Blaine but he didn't. I'm sure he thought about it but didn't know if it would upset me. I missed Blaine so much on Mother's Day because it reminded me that I would always have one child missing. I would always be a Mom incomplete. Every special event is tough but to label a day just for Mom's and then to be a Mom with your baby gone just makes this one a little worse. Not quite as bad as Christmas but almost. I saved one of the roses I got last year and dried it and put it with Blaine's things. Just to remind myself that he was here with me in spirit and regardless of the fact that I'll never get a homemade card or potted flower from him or poem with his handprints on it, he is still my boy. I know wherever he is he is loving his Momma. That has to be enough for now. It shouldn't be and really isn't but it has to be.




Here is a nice poem I have with Blaine's things:

A Mother's Day Ode by Susan Mosquera

I am your mother, but you, my child, I cannot hold
It'll get easier with time, or so I'm told
People may forget that I am your mother
I'm part of a secret club we only share with one another
But that doesn't diminish my love for you
I think of you the whole day through
I wonder what you're doing, my Precious Little One
We are connected by an infinite bond, which cannot be undone
I will not let death tear us apart
I promise to always keep you alive in my heart

Happy Mother's Day to all of you.

My View of Heaven

Today I have been thinking a lot about what Blaine's life is like in Heaven. I don't question the existence of God or Heaven at all. As a BLM what would I do if I did? What would be the point if I weren't going to see him again one day? I like to think of Blaine as waiting for me, visiting me from time to time, preparing for my homecoming. On the other hand though I like to think that Heaven is on a different timeline than here, like when you fall asleep and wake up you don't realize how much time has passed. So, in Heaven I am already there and we are already together. There is no waiting. When you get there you have always and will always be there. I picture it a lot like in the end of the Chronicles of Narnia. We'll have houses and live like we do here, it'll just be perfect and God will be there, accessible. Before Blaine when I pictured myself in Heaven I would always be fishing with Jesus or something. Now I can't picture myself doing anything but holding my boy. Four more days of work. Today was stressful. I'm trying to take it easy and keep in mind that whatever happens when I'm gone is not my responsibility. But the hard worker in me sees all of the things that are going to go horribly wrong!

Christmas

Christmas was not too bad. I think I was just so busy that I didn't have time to dwell on any of the negative. Not surprisingly no one mentioned Blaine or what was missing. Everyone was too wrapped up in what they got for Christmas or what the living kids were doing. That is everyone except Big Sis. She knows Christmas is Jesus birthday and she wondered if Blaine was at the birthday party and what they were doing. I said he's probably eating a really big piece of cake with lots of chocolate icing (a corner piece no doubt) and she replied "do you think he'll send me a piece?" lol How easy it is for kids to just take what you say as matter of fact. She and I talked about Blaine throughout the weekend. I know Daddy was thinking about him too. For Daddy's family, who we spent Christmas Day with, the day is mostly about what kind of presents they get. They're not believers and they are materialistic. So, it's all about money and toys. At my Mom's house yesterday I napped most of the afternoon, my sister came by with the kids and we all had dinner together. I loved playing with my nieces...even the baby. I held that baby most of the night. I spiked her hair up and I could see the way Daddy was looking at me. The look in his eyes like he was thinking what I was thinking, should have been Blaine on my lap. There were some sad moments like that but all in all it was peaceful. Big Sis was sick on Christmas Day and I was doing all of the cooking so I kept busy. Papa came for the weekend and brought a baby hat, sweater and blanket that our Aunt knit. She actually knit if for Blaine but no one told me. She never mentioned it until we got pregnant with Caleb. Now it will be for Caleb. I'm okay with that. Since, I never knew it was Blaine's it doesn't really belong to him. It coincidentally is a really nice shade of yellow. Caleb will look so cute in it. So, Christmas is over for another year. Thanks to everyone who sent us cards and notes. They were much appreciated.

Rambling

Nothing is better than a lazy Saturday. I love them. Taking Abby to karate and then coming home, relaxing, maybe some cleaning, some internet time, some tea or coffee and maybe a pastry from the bakery. Nothing to do but relax and enjoy the day off work.
Tomorrow we are decorating our place for Christmas. I love Christmas which is why I will probably mention it everyday until the 28th! I can't wait to decorate and watch Abby putting the ornaments on the tree. We went to a craft sale and she picked out a homemade butterfly ornament for Blaine. We wrote his name on it. I'm glad I get to involve her in these things. It's comforting to see her remembering him and talking about him. I know she will carry him with her for all of her life.
At karate today there was a new little guy in class and him and his mom were playing before class started. It broke my heart a little because I would love to be playing and cuddling with Blaine, chasing him around, tickling him and twirling him in the air. I know one day I will get to but it doesn't seem soon enough. Believing in heaven makes things much easier but it seems so far away sometimes.
This post is everywhere but that's my head these days. I am everywhere and feeling everything. Blogs are a mixed bag because I am a mixed bag.
Tomorrow is my birthday so hubby and I are shipping Abby off to Grandmas and spending a quiet evening together. This might be TMI but we haven't "you know" since I found out I was pregnant. I'm terrified we'll pop something. I know that sounds extremely paranoid but I feel like I need to keep that area specifically for the baby right now. So, that leaves me feeling very self conscious and my self esteem is kind of taking a hit. I'm really fat right now. I'm not "you knowing" with him. I feel like I'm a horrible wife right now but for the immediate present I need to be all about me.
So, I am rambling. Sometimes you got to!
I hope she doesn't mind me doing this but I'm asking anyone reading this to please stop for a minute and say a prayer for my BLM friend Dana. She is having a rough time right now and my heart is broken for her. If you've read this post please stop right now and pray for her. Let our prayers send Jesus himself to her to surround her with love and hugs.

What I Mourn The Most

It's so easy in the early stages to get wrapped up in what I lost and what I miss. I was so self absorbed, worried about how I would move on and what MY life would be like in the future. Now that I have come to a peaceful place with myself I find the things I miss and mourn the most are not for me but for others. Others who have lost so much and not gained what I have. I mourn for my daughter who has lost her little brother. Who will never walk him to school holding hands or fight over the remote control. Who will never yell at him to get out of her room or cuddle up with him in the backseat of the car on the way to Papa's. She doesn't get to sit in the rocking chair and hold her baby brother. When she talks about him to her friends and teacher she is talking about an angel waiting for her in heaven (and she talks about him a lot!). Big Sis has handled it so well, as only an innocent child can. She very matter of factly said "I'm not sad, I'll see him when I go to Heaven." And that's her reality.
I mourn for my hubby. Everytime I see a boy and his Daddy on the subway or I see a commercial with a Daddy and his son playing sports or watching a game together. He doesn't get to take his son to hockey games and baseball games. He doesn't get to teach him how to shave or drive a car. Daddy won't teach Blaine how to make Momma and Sissy's favourite pancakes. Everytime I see a father and son I think of what he's lost.
I mourn for my parents who had to watch their daughter lose her baby. They sat in the hospital room and I knew they would have done anything to take my pain. My Mom is usually the emotional mess in the family but she kept it together for me that day. My Dad hates hospitals and Blaine's was the only birth he's ever attended. And I love them for that.
I mourn for my nephew who had to tell his Auntie he's sorry she lost the baby. And for my sister who still calls Blaine her nephew, and I love that.
These are the things that make me the saddest now. I know what I have lost and have come to peace with that. I know I have an eternity with Blaine waiting for me once I've finished what I am here to do in this life. I know he is up there planting my garden! When I get there he's going to have a big party waiting for me and the two of us are going to spend so much time just getting to know each other. It is harder to come to peace with what others have lost though.

I am a Woman of Winter

THE MOURNERS DIDN’T CAUSE HIM TO STOP. Nor did the large crowd, or even the body of the dead man on the stretcher. It was the woman—the look on her face and the redness in her eyes. He knew immediately what was happening. It was her son who was being carried out, her only son. And if anyone knows the pain that comes from losing your only son, God does…. (Luke 7:11-17)

This is an excerpt from Max Lucado's "God Came Near." I receive weekly emails from his website and each week is a different topic/excerpt. This one was a real aha moment. I find even when you think something to actually see someone write it down makes it more convincing. Yes He does understand because He lost his son too.
I remember years ago watching "The Passion of the Christ" and this was before I even had kids. I felt so horrible for Mary. Watching what her son went through. I remember the scene where He is carrying the cross and she flashes back to when He was a boy and fell and skinned his knee. She rushes to him just like any other mother would, crying out his name.
The story of Jesus is so well known and yet we still forget these details. The details of his parents and what they lost. I wonder if years from now people will forget what I have lost. I'm not even half as famous! My story has not been read by billions. I do not have a spec of the importance that they have. I'm just a woman of winter. Getting along without my only son. Years from now if one of my nieces loses a baby or a friends daughter and I mention Blaine will they say "oh I forgot you had lost a baby too." Will they be surprised because I seem so strong and put together. Or will I still be this sad Mother? Will I be able to keep him alive in me for the rest of my time on Earth? Will I make sure my story always includes him? I know I am changed forever but by how much? Time does make things easier and with time I will forget certain details. I will forget how dark those first months were. Winter will become Spring and Spring will become Summer. How will I keep him alive so that everyone who comes after will know that he was here?

Are you there God, it's not Margaret

I find myself thinking a lot about God today and his plans for me. I don't seem to be the only one since about 5 of the blogs I follow have had similar topics in the past few days. From trusting God to believing in God to wondering what God has planned for us next. I have to admit I've never thought of God as a planner. I don't think he put my mom and dad together and said "ok if this sperm meets this egg then you're going to have this girl and she'll have this predetermined life." That would be awfully cruel and pointless. I have never blamed God for "taking Blaine." Not in that sense. I have always understood that I did nothing wrong or committed a sin which required me to lose my son. We live in a broken world and miscarriage and stillbirth and infant death are part of the package. In fact, how much time do the citizens of Earth spend telling God to leave them alone, to let them be free and do whatever they want, be whoever they want to be. Well I believe he has given the world it's wish. That being said, I did feel abandoned. I felt like that guy in the poem footprints who sees the one set of footprints. I prayed and prayed for Blaine to be safe and born healthy and happy, just as I pray for my daughter. And I went into labour far too soon. In the hospital I asked for a chaplain, none came. I prayed for a quick end to what was happening, I laboured for 31 hours. I truly felt like God had just abandoned me on the worst moment of my life. While I don't feel that God caused Blaine to die I know that he could have given me a miracle. He could have interceded and miraculously resealed my cervix, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, why not Blaine? But then I started thinking, when was the last time I interceded on God's behalf? Most people I know probably don't know I'm a Christian. I only discuss religious beliefs with other religious people. At the risk of causing arguments and being called "politically incorrect" I normally keep my views to myself. So, if I'm a closet Christian why would I deserve a miracle? I don't really think God is like that though. I think even though I am wishy washy he isn't. Even when I falter in loving him, he adores me. Even when I sit quietly and listen to the anti church rhetoric, he stands boldly on my behalf. So, why didn't I get a miracle then? If I don't believe everything is predetermined and I don't believe I was being punished or abandoned then what? What was the point? I know Blaine's death changed me and for the better. It's brought me closer to God and I feel closer to my friends and family. Is that it? Is that enough?

Today was a rough day. I walk by the funeral home that we used daily. Most days I don't bat an eye but some days are different. Like today. I feel connected to the place. Blaine's body was only outside of my body at the hospital, the funeral home and the crematorium. I walk by the funeral home and look up at the window, the room where I got to see him. I wish I could go and sit in the room. Even though he's not there anymore. I wonder about his ride to and from the crematorium. I know the funeral home manager picked him up personally but did he ride in the trunk? Did he put him in the backseat or the front seat beside him? Was the radio on? I know these details really don't matter but they are a part of his short short life story. I wish I had all of the details...from the time he left the room in the hospital til the time I picked up his ashes and brought him home. I wish I could track every moment. I miss him today a little more than usual.

I'm sorry to all the BLM's who I've been neglecting. I had cards to mail out to BLM Penpals that didn't get out and I know I missed angelversaries and due dates and I am so sorry. Please know that I still think of you all daily. I just have been really sick and exhausted and haven't even had the energy to take care of my daughter never mind myself.

Trust More and Fear Less

I am a huge fan of anything written by Max Lucado. I've yet to read one of his books that does not speak to me. He's the author version of Blue Rodeo in my life...every song has it's purpose. After I had my daughter I was diagnosed with post partum depression and anxiety disorder. I was able to control it without medication right up until I lost Blaine. I am now being medicated but I know that is just a band aid. I have to actually fix the insides that are anxious. The things I fear I cannot control. I cannot control whether my daughter will be kidnapped and tortoured to death. I cannot control whether she will get a disease and die. I cannot control whether I am blessed with another living child. Yet I still fret constantly about these things. Think or the worst horror movie you've seen and I've imagined that happening to someone I love. That's the main reason why as big a horror movie fan as I am I can no longer watch them. Since I had my daughter I can't sit through it without picturing her. I really don't want to be medicated for long. So, I'm trying to get my way back to the point I was at pre Blaine, when me and J.C. talked and I felt calm and more at ease (never completely but manageable). When Blaine died the first book I bought was "Fearless" by Max Lucado. I read it but didn't absorb it. It was too soon and I couldn't focus. Now I can and I'm working my way through it. What I'm working on right now is following the 7 steps to relieve yourself of the anxiety. This is in chapter 4 of the book and the acronym is aptly named "P - E - A - C - E - F - U - L" oh I love you Max!! Here is a brief rundown of each letter P = Pray First; E = Easy Now; A = Act on it; C = Compile a worry list; E = Evaluate your worry categories; F = Focus on today; U = Unleash a worry army; L = Let God be enough. This is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to give my worries to God and let him take care of them. I know he will. Since I started reading the book this time around I've actually felt a calm come over me. I'm still nervous but I haven't been catastraphizing on a daily basis like I used to. I haven't been planning that perfect bomb shelter I'll build when I win the lotto! I'm feeling much more positive and I'm confident that whatever comes my way I think I'll get through it. Me and J.C.
"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So, don't be troubled or afraid." John 14:27 NLT

Nothing Can Seperate Us

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, , nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 38, 39
posted today on Pray Date

Today has not been as bad as I thought it would be. Took my daughter to Karate this morning. Caught up on some shows I missed this week (thank goodness for pvr's) and had a nap. Bought a single sunflower at the flower shop and my daughter picked out a pink butterfly magnet. I'm having a friend over for dinner tonight and hubby is cooking a roast and all the fixins. She's bringing cupcakes. I sent my sister (not the evil one from FB who is my half sister but my stepsister who just had the baby) a copy of Blaine's footprints and memorial card. She texted me and said "thanks for the picture of my nephew." She called him her nephew!! I teared up of course. It was so sweet. It did make me feel guilty for not contacting her and asking about the new baby. I'll have to pick the baby up a little gift and let her know I'm thinking of her.
My biggest disappointment this week was that my pendant urn has not arrived in the mail yet. I really wanted to be wearing it by now. Hopefully it gets here Monday. I really don't need the drama if it gets lost in the mail or something.
Tonight I will be lighting a candle for my boy. And one for all of the other babies in Heaven who are keeping him company until Momma gets there.

Giving It Up

I was just reading on another BLM blog about this topic as well. And it has had me thinking all day too. I have been on this scrambler ride a lot the past two weeks. I think I've seen as many highs and lows in the past 14 days as I did in the 14 days right after Blaine's birth/death. I am trying so hard to give up this grief. Saying that reminds me of the expression "give up the ghost." I believe it was used to describe the moment a person died. Seems fitting. My faith in God has never been what I would call strong. I have never loved him as much as he loves me. I have lived a pretty wishy washy Christian life. But the faith is there. I've never doubted his existence even when I was doubting his presence in my life. I have no doubts at all that he is with me. That he sustains me through the darkest moments. He cares for me and loves me. Most importantly he is now caring for and loving my Blaine. He is watching my son til it is my time to go home. And home I will go. I have no doubt of that. I like in The Shack how Jesus tells Mack that he would have done it, even if it was just for him. He would have died, even just for Mack. Even just for me. Since I had my daughter I've always had a feeling that maybe He loves me just a little more than he loves everyone else. :) I tell my daughter I don't know how I got so lucky that God sent me his best angel. Home I will go one day to be with my son and my Creator. No doubt.
So, why can't I let go of this cross I bear (no better word came to mind)? Why can't I just release this pain into his much more capable hands? My anxiety, my stress, my grief. I just want to give it up to God. I want him to take it from me and carry it as he has carried my spirit. I know he'll do it. He's right there beside me trying but I keep grabbing it back from him and foolishly thinking I can manage on my own. Foolishly trying to control it. Because I think if I can control everything around me then I can stop any bad things from happening. But I can't. And that's not his will. His will is for me to let it go. He is beside me telling me "give it to me." "Give me your pain and I will suffer in your place." "Give me your grief and I will mourn for you." "Give me your broken heart and I will heal you, I will patch it up and make it whole." And I want to I really do I just can't seem to. I think I have and then it all comes back to me.
And that is what I am dealing with now.

Sunflower of my Heart

"Believe Me If All Those Endearing Young Charms" by the poet Thomas Moore:

"...the heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close, As the sunflower turns on her god, when he sets, The same look which she turned when he rose. "

The sunflower signifies pure thoughts. It symbolizes adoration and dedication. It is symbolic of dedicated love. (description found here)

I didn't realize that the sunflower is the flower of the third wedding anniversary. I celebrated my third wedding anniversary on April 14. One day after Blaine died. My son. My sunflower. I'm not exactly sure why these flowers make me think of him. I was never a big fan before. I had a friend years ago who loved sunflowers...I hope she still does. Maybe I like them because they're yellow. They stand tall and proud as I imagine he would have as a man. They are beautiful and strong, standing up against the rain and wind. They are seasonal. When the dark and cold winter comes they are gone.

I've had a pretty bitter day. Went out for lunch at work with my group. Kept thinking it should have been a lunch for me leaving on my maternity leave. Had cupcakes at the party to celebrate two people leaving our office. Should have been cupcakes with blue icing for Blaine. Was bitter about my cousin being pregnant but I have gotten over that and can now honestly say I am a little excited. Worried for her since she is young and single. But I will be there for her. I have to be. As hard as it will be for me I cannot let her do this alone, I would never forgive myself. I know how scared she is and shocked. I was only 26 when I got pregnant the first time too. I am trying to let go of the bitterness so I have been looking up items of meaning. Sunflowers, colours and scripture. I am enjoying this scripture right now and trying to hold it in my heart and erase the week I've had.

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

I am going to cuddle up with my son's ashes, watch General Hospital and cry myself to sleep.

Dear Blaine

My boy, I miss you today. Like everyday but today especially. I've been thinking a lot today about having another baby. How will I cope? How will I get through nine months of stress and worry? It seems an odd request for a Momma to make to her son, but baby will you look out for me? Next time you're with Jesus, dancing in the rain; walking along a shore skipping stones; climbing trees and watching the sunset; or jus t sitting on a dock talking about life and the world; next time will you ask him to put his arms around me? Give me the strenght I need. Not to replace you baby boy. I could never replace you. My first son. My little nudger. I could never replace all of the joy you brought to my life. I feel you beside me every night when I curl up beside your ashes. I have them in the box they came in and I wrap my arms around you. Sometimes I can almost convince myself that I'm holding a little boy. Not a box. I know that's you. I know you're with me. You are my angel. And for the next little while I need you to be my guardian. For the next pregnancy I need you to get back in there and hold the little baby. Hold him or her inside me and keep them safe. Blaine I love you so much. Everyday. I am not depressed anymore but I am still so sad. I still miss you. And I wish things could have gone differently. I am so glad you are happy and healthy and at peace. But I miss you baby. I will never forget you, even if I have a dozen other kids. I have our first meeting all planned out in my head. I know you will have my garden ready for me when I get there!! Give Sadie and Lindsay a kiss for me and tell them I miss them too. I love you baby boy.

Ever since I saw you I have been thinking these lines from the song Yellow by Coldplay. The song immediately made me think of you since that is your colour. But since seeing you these words have more meaning than ever.

"You skin oh ya your skin and bones turn into something beautiful You know you know I love you so You know I love you so."

xoxo Momma

The Middle

If you track anniversaries or birthdays by the day of the year than today is 4 months since Blaine was born. If you track it by actual days then today is 17 weeks and 3 days. Today is the centre. Today Blaine has been dead for as long as he was alive. 17 weeks and 3 days. The Ascent and The Descent.

How did my life change during the ascent?

I got fat. (again) I was so sick for two months. Constant nauseu all day long. My clothes got tight. I made plans for my baby shower, it was going to be Saturday July 10th at my Momma's house. I had the list made of who was invited, had planned the menu, chose someone to think up some games, picked out the prizes to hand out. I went online and setup a wish list at Sears. I planned to get most of my baby stuff there. A friend gave us a stroller to use. My mom and I picked out the car seat to go with it. My dear Aunt sent me a big box of baby clothes. All neutral colours although I already knew I was having a boy. I worried that our apartment wasn't big enough. I worried that Big Sis wouldn't want a little brother. I worried about the decision to circumsize (hubby is pro and I am con). I stressed over how much toys and clothes I knew my mother in law would buy the new baby and where I would put everything!! (when I was 9 weeks pregnant she went out and bought a bunch of shampoo and lotion for the baby!) I picked out the co sleeper we would pick up down in the US when we were on vacation. I ate a bowl of fruit salad every morning and a yoghurt. I took my vitamins. I rubbed my belly and talked to my little nudger. I researched doula's and pre natal classes. I took it easy during my workout, always partnering with another lazy person! I was nervous but not about having a dead baby because I knew that would never happen to me. I planned out all of the things I would teach my son about women, even envisioning what my future daughter in law might be like. I journalled in my pregnancy book. I envisioned exactly what my little toddler boy would look like and how I would dress him. I pictured the family photos, the perfect "million dollar family." I thought about a teenage son and how his friends would love to come over to our house. How they'd all tease him about how hot his mom was!! How we'd be the safe house...where the kids who didn't want to get drunk or high would hang out. I pictured myself breastfeeding and changing a boys diaper, trying not to get peed on. The ascent was a beautiful experience and I wish I could say I cherished it every moment. But the truth is I complained about being sick, getting fat, not being able to do much of anything because I was tired and sore. I thought those were the worst things that could happen to me. And then I wiped and there was blood and I descended into darkness.

How did (is?) my life change (changing) during the Descent?

I have seen much more of the mental health unit of the hospital then I ever care to again. I have been medicated. I have cried so much I wondered if I had any fluids left in my body. I have tasted morphine and liked it. I have wanted, needed, longed for, just one look at my dead baby. I have googled images of dead 17 week old fetuses. I have longed to go back to the hospital and deliver Blaine again, just do it one more time, just repeat that 31 hours. I have gone to places in my mind so dark I worried I might not make it back. I have been reminded of my son at every turn, every song, every t.v. show. Even listening to a silly pop tune I can relate it somehow to Blaine. I have listened to an Eminem song and it made me think of Blaine!! ("I can't tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like and right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe.") I have made funeral plans for a child. I have held my sons ashes and considered ways to make them a part of my body. What if I take that little piece of bone and have it implanted under my skin? I have had more nightmares then I can remember ever having before. So much darkness. There are times when I know I could have crossed that line. That thin line between darkness and light. I could have so easily embraced the darkness and disappeared.
But in all of this there is joy. Yes actual joy.
During the descent, on the worst of days I had people who cared for me...friends, coworkers, BLM, strangers, doctors, hubby, family.
And there was God. I think I've said it before, maybe not on here but in a letter to Blaine or to God...God picked me up off of that bathroom floor on April 13th and he has carried me since. I am always reminded of that poem "Footprints."
I needed to carry Blaine for those 17 weeks and 3 days, to love him and nurture him.
And while I still don't know why I had to lose him I know now that I honour him by living in light.