Tiny Rant

Just getting this out of my system. If you made a comment after Blaine died that went something like this..."you're young you can always have another" then do not be surprised when you are NOT invited to Caleb's baby shower!!!!!!!

Other comments which will not earn you an invitation include but are not limited to...

"there must have been a good reason"
"it just wasn't meant to be"
"there must have been something wrong with him"
"it was God's will"

well guess what, I talked to God and he doesn't want you at my baby shower. Sorry, can't change God's will!!

I don't have much to say today just had to get that out of my system.

More Ramblings

I added an friend to my FB friends list. She has two boys, one who was due the same time as Blaine was. I really like her and her family. But now I find myself tearing up looking at her photos. Her post wishing her boy a happy 6 month birthday. I am so happy for them and they haven't had an easy time but it just makes me miss my boy even more. I should be wishing Blaine a happy 6 month this week, or maybe he would have come a week or two early and we would have already celebrated. Either way I am not. Instead I am secretly planning a one year "birthday" party for a dead baby. I haven't even discussed it with my husband really. I don't know what he wants to do on April 13th. I'm pretty sure no one in our real life will remember, except you Liz cause I know you read my blog, lol. My mother and sister will be in Cuba so I'm sure they won't remember. I have just had to come to the realization that other than our little family, hubby and me and Abby, this was just not a significant event. And I'm certainly not going to remind anyone cause I don't need the pity party. If people remember I want it to be because they actually remember not because I had to tell them. I keep hearing all this nonsense about the royal wedding in April and I keep thinking "big deal no one died." There are so much more important things happening in April. But I guess not for the rest of the world.

One of my biggest faults is that I curse. I will let a sh*& escape if I stub my toe and if someone is really getting on my nerves I have been known to drop the F bomb. I don't like it and I try not to. I can pretty much control it except when I'm really exhausted or emotional. To my credit I have never sworn in front of my daughter or anyone else's kid. The point of this is that I keep saying this line in my head from a song which contains the F word.

"when I need them I don't see none of them...f*&^ all you fairweather friends all I need is him." courtesy of Dr Dre and Eminem (yes another fault of mine, I love rap music)

Unfortunaly that bitterness has entangled itself with the pain of April 13th.

Don't Poke the Bear

This is today's scripture verse from Pray Date...

"Put on the, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, hearfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." Colossions 3:12

I am really struggling with all of the above. I am blaming hormones but I don't know. I am so impatient and so fed up right now. With everyone and everything. Today I snapped at someone at work. Not someone I even like, she's a total bully and treats people like crap but I don't snap at people. I worked in retail for 7 years, I know how to be patient in the face of stress. I just can't handle it right now. My life is not really stressful right now...other than the whole terrifying pregnancy thing. My job is never stressful because I don't really take it that seriously. So, I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I find myself trying to control all of the little things in life that I have no control over. I'm such a logical person and I always know what I "should" do but can't. I am so desperate for everything in my life to be 100% perfect right now. So much so that even when it seems to be I'm just anticipating the worst instead of enjoying the ride.

I have decided to start "The Purpose Driven Life." I know some moms have already read or started reading this so if you have any tips or any thoughts on it please share.

Needed to Rant, Sorry

This may seem like a bit of a rant. It's really come to my attention the past week or so how intolerant I now am about some issues. I no longer have any patience for people who complain about how hard being a parent is. I do not want to listen to idle chit chat about some private nursery school you just "have to" get your unborn child into. I don't care about how much your yuppy stroller costs. I'm fed up with people who would rather work, party, or vacation then spend time with their kids. I don't get the whole "detachment parenting thing" or "training" your baby...just get a puppy! Before you let your child cry themselves to sleep think of how you'll feel if they don't wake up in the morning. I can't go on message boards and listen to non BLM's discuss their pregnancies and how the baby is "annoying them with kicks" or how terrified they are their boobs will sag. If it's too inconvienient to feed and clothe and put your own child to bed when the nanny has the day off, consider how inconvienient it would be if you had to make funeral arrangements. UGH!
Okay, rant done. It's just been building up. I try to stay off the non dead baby parenting sites for this reason. People who haven't lost a child really have no idea how precious that child is. They have no idea how much I would love to be sleep deprived right now. How I would love to be struggling down the street in the snow pushing a cheap stroller. I would love to walk out of the house tomorrow with spit up on my shirt. I wish my house smelled like dirty diapers. I wish my neighbours were complaining about being woken up at 2am by a crying baby. I wish.
I feel like I should have written this entire post in capitals!

Stuff That Sucks

Something sad happened. Shocking right? My home computer crashed about a month ago. Something about the motherboard, I don't know. I actually killed two motherboards at work already this year so that might be it. Anyways, so the guy was able to save most of the stuff we had on the computer and most of my pictures. But of course since this is Elaine and it's 2010, the year of hell, all of my photos of Blaine's name were lost. All of the nice photos BLM's made for me. I luckily have most saved either on here or on FB but I didn't save them all online. There are a couple that are now lost. I don't understand how, this computer guy we use sucks but my hubby likes him because he rarely charges us for services...maybe because his service sucks. That's what I get for not putting them all in an online album when I had the chance.
My heart really goes out to all of the BLM's who don't have living children. And if hearing about living children bothers you please stop reading. I really don't know how they cope. Most days I am not too bitter but there are days when I am so bitter the mere mention of a pregnant woman or baby makes me seethe. Today was one of those days. I could hear this woman going on and on and on about a baby and I just wanted to scream for her to shut her pie hole. I have a living child and yet some days I hate the sight and sound of anything to do with kids. (except her) Kids, plural, are just a reminder that my plural is gone. My daughter doesn't get to tell her friends about all of the new things her baby brother is learning. She gets to tell her friends she has a brother in Heaven. She gets to explain that Momma was pregnant and the baby died. She takes books to daycare to "read" to the smaller kids (she can't really read yet but likes to and that's just how sweet she is) instead of reading her little brother a bedtime story. I watch her at the park in the wading pool or splash pad and she always goes to the little ones. Her voice gets really high pitch, kind of sounds like Elmo, and she talks to them "hi baby" "what are you doing baby." Babies and puppies fill her with joy like nothing I have ever seen. I am angry on her behalf. I am bitter on her behalf. One mother at the wading pool said her five year old won't ever play with the baby, she was so happy Abby was. So, why didn't that five year old lose her brother? It's not fair to Abby. Five years old and she already knows sometimes life just sucks.

Tuesday Again? Oh Bloody *&^%

Today started off better than most. Due to a couple of early morning appts I had I actually got an extra half an hour sleep. Then it was off to therapy. Therapy session was brief. Mainly we talked about how amazing I am and how I really did it all on my own. I came into therapy with an action plan and have spearheaded my own recovery. I am the model patient. I couldn't love my therapist more at this point! So, we chatted for a bit and decided that while I would contact her if I had a relapse or needed to talk again, today would be my last official appt. I am no longer in crisis which is good but I will miss that quiet peaceful office. Then it was off to the psychiatrist. I'm not a big fan of this guy but whatever. We talked for a bit about how the meds are treating me. We talked about Blaine and how I was able to get him from the hospital and have him cremated. I did not mention to him that I sleep with the ashes although I did tell the therapist cause I know she gets it. I'm just more reserved talking to him because I feel like he might judge me. I'm sure he wouldn't but that's how I feel. I left the hospital feeling pretty darn good. Got to work. Started to go about my day. I snuck online of course to read some blogs. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Today is the 19th Tuesday. Every Tuesday will now have a number attached to it. Can't wait for the 543rd Tuesday. Today was the 19th Tuesday and I spent the exact moment of Blaine's death at the same hospital, on the same floor, talking about how much progress I've made in 19 weeks. And I was so concentrated on that that at the time I didn't even realize it. I had totally forgotten it was Tuesday. I forgot it was 8:40am. I forgot the only thing that seperated me from the scene of the crime was a corridor. So bye bye good day. I became increasingly agitated as the day wore on. Developed shoulder pain and headache. Hadn't the therapist just said how refreshed I looked? Puke. It didn't help that my IPOD battery died on me and so I had to listen to the drone of the keyboards clicking around me and the sound of people asking stupid questions. Thank God that this super nice guy I love at work brought me chocolate today. And my Mom who usually buys me lunch had plans and didn't invite me so I had to buy my own lunch! Okay that sounds like whining. But but but. I'm just frustrated that a great morning where I felt totally reassured and like I was making real progress turned into such a crappy afternoon. And that's how quick it is. One thought. One line on someone else's blog. One quick peek at the calendar. And I'm back scrambling around trying to find the sane girl again. And to top it off while I'm writing this I am talking to my sister on FB. Her and I are not really close. I love her and all and we get along but she lives in another province and we rarely rarely see each other. I'm talking every ten years rare. But still she is my sister. She is on my FB. I have a ticker on my FB that says "it's been blah blah blah since we said GOODBYE." I have an album of photos of Blaine's name which clearly is marked "Born and Died April 13, 2010" Almost all of my status updates are about finding strength in God or even "never thought she'd be so excited to pick up her sons ashes." One might think that even a casual observer might look at all of these things and think "Hmmm, did she lose a baby?" BIG LIGHTBULB GOING OFF ABOVE YOUR HEAD!!! or "Hmmm, several months ago I "liked" her status about being pregnant, wonder what's up with that?" I guess my sister never got it. She hasn't said one thing. NOT ONE THING. SHE HAS NOT SAID ONE THING. And here is the conversation we just had... the words in red were not part of the conversation but was what I was thinking at the time...

Her: hi elaine
7:03pm
Me : hey how are you doing? missing (her daughters name) I bet!!
7:04pm
Her: i am doing fine....i am missing her badly it was the hardest thing to do was saying goodbye (Really? I wouldn't know what that was like having)
7:05pm
Me : I see all of her facebook updates, she seems so grown up and like a very intelligent woman. You did an amazing job raising her.
7:11pm
Her: ya we did all i can tell you is teach them the right things and do as much as possable with them cause they grow up quick...(if they don't die first that is)
7:12pm
Me : we are trying to have another one but it's been a bit difficult since the baby died in April...can't seem to get pregnant for a third time! (ok maybe if I mention it she'll actually talk to me about it)
7:15pm
Her: yes i seen that on face book sorry for your loss...but for me baby day are over now i wait for grand baby hopefuly that is not for awail yet (really?)

ugh!!

Another Day

I am having another blah day. LOL. It's tough being back at work. I feel like I have no time for Blaine anymore. I have all day at work trying to be "normal" and then I'm at home trying to be a good mom. I'm just so tired. It's not even depression, I'm just really tired. And I have so much anxiety over the future and about having another baby. It's all I can think of. Not sure what to write today because I have a million emotions swimming around, half good and half bad. I really just want to curl up with my son's ashes, a big bowl of ice cream, some fudgeos and watch T.V. Is that horrible?