Baby Mama Drama

I was going to post today all about my anxiety but I am exhausted. Had another false alarm and just got back from the hospital. Thought I was leaking fluids but may have just peed myself a little! Third trip to the hospital for this little guy and thank God, third false alarm. Although we did get to have another stress test and listen to him bounce around for 20 minutes. I wish I could get Caleb's heartbeat on tape. It was so relaxing I almost fell asleep waiting to see the doctor. I may have to get a stethoscope when he's born so I can still listen to it. When we were leaving the hospital we went through the emerg corridor and I walked through the doors and realized at the sametime as hubby that those were the doors they wheeled me through when we were losing Blaine. A sad moment in an otherwise nice evening. Weird calling a trip to maternity triage a nice evening but since nothing was wrong and we got to hear our boy it was kind of nice. My dr was the one on call and she joked about how much attention my vagina has gotten these past couple of months. We also got to see Dr Sasquatch who was just leaving but popped in to see why I was there. And the triage nurse was soo so nice. I hope she's there when I'm actually in labour. The Dr said "don't worry come back whenever you feel you need to." But I feel like I waste their time and don't want to be a drama queen. Hopefully no more false alarms. I just have to relax and enjoy the rest of this ride.

Blaine in Mexico

From a friend of a friend. My friend Lisa must have Blaine's name out there! First Jamaica and now her friends who I don't know have made photos of Blaine's name on the beach in Mexico. Love it!

Another Weepy Day

"I don't fear none of my enemies and I don't fear bullets from oozies. I've been dealing with something that's much worse than these that'll make you fall to your knees and that's the anxiety. The sane and the insane rivalry. Paranoia's got me to my knees. Oh Lord please please please take away the anxiety." Black Eyed Peas

This song has been my anthem these past few weeks. I listen over and over again. I'm actually not feeling too bad. I felt really weepy yesterday. I think it was for more than one reason though. Yesterday was my daughters last day at daycare. She has been going to this daycare for 3 and a half years. It's her fourth daycare! The other three just didn't cut it for me. But we loved this place and they adored her. It's sad because they have really become family to us. They are one of the few places that I feel totally comfortable leaving her. In an effort to save money she'll be spending March with her Grandma and then I leave work in April for mat leave. Also, the daycare is a little out of the way so it's going to make my last month of work easier on me not having to go back and forth. I can't imagine sending her to daycare and staying home with Caleb for a year. First she'd be pretty peeved at me and second I am looking forward to spending the time with her. This will be the first summer in 5 years we've gotten to spend this much time together and I can't wait. I've already gotten them on the waiting list to go back to this daycare and they are on it as a priority for when my year is up.
Another sad thing about her leaving the daycare is that I will not be walking by the funeral home 5 days a week anymore. The funeral home that was so gentle with my boy is right across the street. Everytime I drop her off or pick her up I look over at it. I look up to the window of the room where I saw Blaine. I teared up last night. Not that I'll never go over there but it won't be all the time. I teared up looking in the parking lot and wondering which car was the managers. Which car did he ride in? I haven't really thought about that in awhile. Yesterday seemed to be the day for thinking about a lot of things that I haven't thought about in awhile. Even some dark things I won't get into now. I was just low energy and tired and as I said, weepy.
Today is a much better day though. I have finally convinced Abby to paint my big belly bump! She wants to paint a family portrait on my tummy but she wants to make herself the baby and Caleb and Blaine the big brothers. She loves her brothers but is a bit jealous that she isn't the baby anymore!

Update

This is the end of week one of me weaning off of my Zoloft. So far so good. I haven't had too much of an increase in any anxiety and the physical symptoms have been controllable. They are basically the same as things you would experience while pregnant anyway. Caleb has been bouncing around regularly and seems to be doing fine. I was a little worried he might be having some withdrawal from the meds because for two days he was quieter than usual. Could have just been a growth spurt though as he seems bigger and stronger this week. Thanks to everyone who has sent me a prayer and support. I thought it would be much tougher than it has been and maybe it isn't as tough because I have that support. I've been making sure to pray more and to rest more. I've been trying to eat a little healthier this week and not exert myself. I've been using a "buffer" at work to deal with stressful situations (basically my coworker who I send to do the stuff I don't want to do like deal with the bully supervisor or answer this other guy's millions of questions).
I'm at 27 weeks now. It's hard to believe that within the next 10 to 12 weeks I'll be going into labour. I've had a couple Braxton Hicks already and am loving it! I know that sounds crazy but I can't wait to feel that first contraction. I am in no way a lover of pain but each pain will bring my boy closer to coming home. I've been thinking a lot about what I want in terms of labour this time around. This will be my third L&D and there are things I want done differently than I had them with Abby and Blaine (well first I want him alive and home when it's over). Of course a part of me is wishing I could check into the hospital at 36 weeks and have them just take Caleb out so I can bring him home faster!! I want it to be more special than that though. I want him to come when HE is ready to come. I want to make it a smooth and beautiful transition from womb to room. I am really going to sit down this time and go over a birth plan. I'm way too anxious to birth at home although I'd love it. What I will do is stay home as long as possible and head to the hospital at the last moment (I joke that I want to see his head before we leave for the hospital). I've enjoyed the Braxton Hicks because they are yet another sign that I am progressing nicely along.
Thank you to everyone who has been praying for our friend's baby. His birth was a tough one for me as he was due just a week or two before Blaine's due date. His mom and I were pregnant at the sametime. It was really exciting and I was hoping to have the mom friend to share stories with as they grew. Visiting him for the first time after he was born was extremely difficult and emotional. I sucked it up though and even held him for a bit. The boys should be playing together at this time. But one is dead and the other is sick. It's heartbreaking and I hope he makes it through this and lives a long and healthy life.

Just a Random Post

I've never had that large group of friends. I always sort of envied people who did. Especially at happy times like baby showers and weddings I thought it would be nice if I had like 20 girlfriends to go crazy with. Instead my baby shower with Abby was mostly family and my bachelorette party consisted of 6 people, one of which was my sister and another was a friend of a friend. When I lost Blaine again I thought how nice it would be to have that large group. I've realized how wrong I was. I read other blogs and see other BLM's on FB and what they have to go through. The negative comments, the critisizms, the "helpful suggestions" on how to do it next time. And I am so grateful I can count my real friends on one hand. I may only be able to fill one booth at a restaurant for my bday but I am lucky that at least those people know me well enough not to say something stupid or ignorant. My heart goes out to the BLM's who have to deal with that on top of dealing with their loss. And as I said to one, you can't have a drama free life until you get rid of the drama queens!!
Went to my mom's house on Saturday for the night. I finally brought home Blaine's clothes from there. When I was pregnant with him my Aunt sent me a box of about 8 outfits. I remember sitting on my mom's couch, barely a bump at that point and thinking of the little boy who would wear them. I did the same thing on Saturday. Sat on the same couch and looked at all of the clothes, this time with a large bump, picturing another boy in them. It was bittersweet. The clothes are almost all neutral colours but definitely more boyish. I wonder how my Aunt knew Blaine was a boy, I thought I was the only one. My parents always pick the "going home from hospital" outfit for the kids but we chose one from this box for "wearing at the hospital." So, they are all here now. Caleb has so much stuff here. I feel more confident with everyday that I will not have to box them up and put them away. I feel more and more relaxed and I'm able to see him here with us doing all the baby stuff.
My sister brought her kids over too. I actually changed my niece's diaper and fed her her bottle. It was surprisingly easy to do. Maybe because I'm pregnant. At Christmas I held her a lot but it was hard. My mom and sister kept saying how my niece would now have another baby to play with and how my nephew wouldn't be the only boy anymore. It bugs me that they just ignore Blaine's existence but I've come to accept it. Online with my BLM sisters and here at home are the only places Blaine can exist without any kind of awkwardness. He is safe here with us Moms.

Last February

Thinking of last February is so surreal. All of those important and trivial things I did one year ago suddenly seem so much more significant. Because I did them with Blaine. And now I am without him. I was still sick. I was sick until about 13 weeks with Blaine. So, that would have been around March 13th. In Feb I was going to bed early, trying to eat healthy, taking my vitamins, had to stay home from work a couple of days because I was so sick and exhausted. I was happy though. It was around this time that I first got the "boy" feeling. I just had this sense that I was full of testosterone! It was around this time that I started calling my little bump Blaine. I didn't know if the name would be Daddy approved but at that point it was just between us anyway. I miss those days. When I had him and had him all to myself. By now everyone we knew knew we were pregnant. No point in hiding it because it's not like something bad was going to happen! I miss that stupidity!

Prayer Request

Please join me tonight at 8pm in lighting a candle and saying a prayer for a sweet little boy named Cruz. Cruz was born with Down Syndrome and is currently in the hospital. While he is a little fighter and he is being cared for by the best Drs in the world he still needs our thoughts. Please join me in praying for his family, his doctors and for his speedy return home to his big brother.

Mind Over Matter

Mind over matter. The therapist I saw after I went crazy last summer kept trying to get me to think this way. Instead of envisioning a negative outcome why not envision a positive one. Neither will prepare you if the worst does happen and it's not like focusing on the negative will make it hurt less. So, why not just think positive. At the time I was seeing her it made sense to me but I was not ready for it. I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of thinking that things were going to work out. The proverbial *&^% had just hit the fan. The mind is an incredibly powerful tool. It protects us in so many ways. It protected me in the past, it even protected me when Blaine was born. It selectively blocks out certain things we can't handle and lets in others we need. Any good doctor or midwife will tell you it can even help you overcome physical pain like those you experience in labour. Not to say that thinking positive will always result in cupcakes and butterflies. However, negative thinking almost always results in failure. If you go into a situation thinking you can't handle it then you probably won't be able to handle it. Why not give it a try? So, in the spirit of embracing this new attitude I wiped today and did not look for blood! For the first time since I found out I was pregnant I did not check the toilet paper for blood. It was literally a debate between my anxious self and my new positive self. Picture a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other... "just check it won't hurt" "but why I'm fine I don't need to check all the time" "why not, what if something is wrong, you want to catch it early on don't you" "yes but there's nothing wrong and I don't need to do this everytime" And positive Elaine won! The angel kicked the devil's butt right out of the bathroom! I really feel like I'm at a point where I can take these steps. There is nothing worse than losing a child. I would gladly suffer physical pain every minute of every day for the rest of my life to have Blaine here with me. I survived it. I always told myself I would never survive the loss of a child but I did. I am not totally responsible, I did it with the help of lots of people and God. I survived it. My mind did not completely break. I can trust it to help me get through the next several months without meds. And if I can train myself well enough then maybe I won't need to go back on them when I'm done breastfeeding either. For someone who doesn't even like to take headache medication that's huge. The idea that I can live my life without any meds. I hope this positive feeling stays with me. I hope it's not just some rush of hormones or self denial.

It's Not About Me!!

This is day one of the PDL. The lesson is just that, life is not about me. It isn't about what I want or what I think. It's about finding out my purpose, what I was created for, trusting God has a plan. That's tough. Not because I am self absorbed. I can be at times. Once you have kids though it's almost impossible to be a good parent and be self absorbed. You have to make them the centre, what makes them happy, healthy, loved. The biggest thing is letting go of the control issues. I am a huge control freak. I want to control everything and everyone in my life. It makes me feel safe to think I have control over things even when logically I know I don't. Gotta quit that!
Monday I see my shrink. The plan is to start weaning me off the zoloft next week. I'm worried about the physical and emotional effects. I've been feeling really anxious and sad lately, scared for Caleb and missing Blaine. But I can't consciously do something I know could hurt Caleb. It's not a judgement for anyone who has had a pregnancy and taken meds. It's just me. I can't get into the "side effects are rare" mentality. Like I've said before, I've been that 1% that tragedy happens to. The "it'll never happen to me" attitude doesn't apply here. Until my kids are all safely home with me, unless it's a 100% guarantee, it's not good enough. There are no side effects to NOT taking the meds so Caleb will be the safest. I might cry a little more but I can deal with it. Eye on the prize!!

Reminders

Superbowl Sunday. Hardly a significant day in my life since I am not a sports person. However, hubby and I have made a tradition of watching it together. My husband is a total jock so I don't know if he really loves to spend it with me but he does and never complained that I want him at home. He starts planning our menu even before I remember the Super Bowl is coming. Last night it was nachos, wings, pan de jamon (my new favourite food) and for dessert homemade banana muffins and for me, ice cream. As we sat and ate and watched I couldn't help but think of last year's game. Last year I was pregnant with Blaine. I was still in the early stages. I was so sick with nauseau that I could barely eat. I didn't finish the game or dinner and went to bed early. Last night I went to bed early too exhausted from all the normal pregnancy stuff (but did eat my share!). It's amazing how these insignificant events can come back to remind us of what was or should have been.
Back in the ER today, another slight scare, although this time it was my health not the baby's. I had chest pains and shortness of breath all morning. I called my doctor and one of them that I see at the office said to go to the Maternity Triage (yeah Caleb is human now I don't have to go to the regular ER!). So we did and had a stress test and checked my blood pressure. All good. My dr is right across the street so the hospital called her and she said to go over there. So, we went over there and she checked my urine and did my blood pressure again. Everything was fine. She said it was most likely my uterus stretching up into my chest or my positioning. If it happens again I'm to move around or lie down for a bit. Benefit of this was that we got to listen to Caleb for 20 minutes for the stress test. Daddy loved it. Everytime Caleb kicked you could hear a jump in the staticky sound. His heartbeat was perfect, between 150 and 160 the whole time. He kept kicking at the probes that were on my stomach. It was so funny cause you could actually see my stomach moving as he tried to kick them away. He doesn't like being poked and prodded and we've had far too much of it. The sucky part was that I had to leave work early and spend 4 hours wondering if I was dying. My dr said next time to just go and see her but it would have been nice if the other woman had of just said that! Oh well. We're healthy and the chest pains are gone right now so that's the important thing.

My Two Boys

I have resisted the urge to blog this week because it would just be more of a pile of bitterness. Maybe it's the approaching one year anniversary. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's the fact that Caleb is most likely going to make it. Whatever the reason I have found myself missing Blaine even more this week and feeling the bitterness and sadness of it all. I keep imaging myself and even dreaming at night of having two boys. I was thinking about our housing situation and going over what I wanted in a house when we finally do buy one. I found myself thinking "we'll have to have a room for the boys to share." And then remembered there will only be one boy. I dream about playing with two boys, so close in age they almost look like twins. One is always dark haired with blue eyes and the other is always blond with brown eyes. I never call them by their names. Sometimes I dream I have a little baby boy and I'm pregnant with another. They're always nice dreams not nightmares but always leave me awake and longing for it to be reality. But reality is if I had a little boy right now I wouldn't be pregnant. I've talked about that before. The fact that there would be no Caleb if Blaine were here. It's a hard thing to adjust to. I love this little monkey with my whole heart and soul. I cherish every minute we have together, every kick, even the ones that hurt. I love the fact that I can talk to my belly or rub it and he will actually respond and start bouncing around. But I miss the baby that should have been. I keep reading over and over again the poem "A Different Child." I pray one day Caleb will understand it all.
On Dot's Diner this week she (I'm sorry if you're reading this I just realized I don't know your actual name! Isn't it funny how we remember the baby's names.) shared a section of a book, "Pregnancy After A Loss" by Carol Cirulli Lanham. I just wanted to share the one paragraph that hit me the hardest. I should not have read this at work because it made me cry. But in a good way.

"This baby here with you today has listened to your stories, has felt your pain, and knows your love is given cautiously, not because you don't love him/her, but because you love him/her so much. This baby feels deeply the concern and protection you have clung to during this pregnancy, to want him/her to feel safe."

I have decided for Blaine's Angelversary to put together some memory packages to donate to the hospital. They are being made specifically for parents like me and hubby. Parents under 20 weeks who don't get to go to the maternity ward. Who are in limbo, not just having a "miscarriage" but not delivering a legal child either. I want these for the women who are completely unprepared like I was. I'm including in it a small knit blankie (thanks to my crafty friend Fern!) a framed poem, a certificate of life, a candle, a little teddy, a hand and finger printing kit and a keychain which can be engraved by the parents if they wish. It is no substitude for a child but mother's should not leave labour empty handed. I'm also going to see if I can find a couple of books on pregnancy loss to donate to my local library as they have none! I spend so much money on Abigail's bday party it's the least I can do since I don't get to buy him presents.

Don't Poke the Bear

This is today's scripture verse from Pray Date...

"Put on the, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, hearfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." Colossions 3:12

I am really struggling with all of the above. I am blaming hormones but I don't know. I am so impatient and so fed up right now. With everyone and everything. Today I snapped at someone at work. Not someone I even like, she's a total bully and treats people like crap but I don't snap at people. I worked in retail for 7 years, I know how to be patient in the face of stress. I just can't handle it right now. My life is not really stressful right now...other than the whole terrifying pregnancy thing. My job is never stressful because I don't really take it that seriously. So, I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I find myself trying to control all of the little things in life that I have no control over. I'm such a logical person and I always know what I "should" do but can't. I am so desperate for everything in my life to be 100% perfect right now. So much so that even when it seems to be I'm just anticipating the worst instead of enjoying the ride.

I have decided to start "The Purpose Driven Life." I know some moms have already read or started reading this so if you have any tips or any thoughts on it please share.