Another Day

Today is a good day. My hubby came and met me at work for lunch. I love it when he does that. It's our little time together. We don't get that often so we have to sneak it in when we can. Still no AF! 29 days now. I'm debating taking a test tonight. If it's positive it might make this week a little easier but if it's negative I could come crashing down.
I realize how much I built up September 18th in my head. It really is no worse than any other day. I've put it more into perspective now and I'm not as depressed about it as I have been earlier in the week. Blaine would not have been born exactly tomorrow so why is tomorrow more significant then any other day? I think it's just that most women have their babies before the due date. So, the due date is significant in the fact that the baby should be here by now. So, when us BLM are approaching our dd without the baby it's just another reminder. He should be with me. I should be carrying him around in a carrier, I should be full with milk, I should be off work, I should be changing diapers and giving baths and shopping for cute onesies. I should I should I should.
Last night I had a very bittersweet moment with big sis. We were saying prayers at bed time and the first thing she said was "God Bless Blaine." and then she said "God Bless Penny's baby and let him come out so he doesn't die." It was so sweet that she would think of Blaine and of her new growing cousin. But so sad that at age 5 she knows babies can die. I wonder how this will affect her when she becomes a woman. Will this make her nervous when she experiences her first pregnancy? Will she love the next baby a little more? Will she love her own babies a little more? How I respond to this is bigger than me and my issues. How I respond to this is affecting her. I can show her that when we face tragedy we crumble, we don't recover, we let it overwhelm us, we give in. Or I can show her that when faced with life's worst we survive, we conquer, we become stronger, we turn to God, we turn to our sisters. We fight.

Loneliness

I really have no reason to be lonely. I am surrounded everyday by people who care about me and only wish me the best. But I can't shake that feeling. Maybe it is because my EDD is approaching and I am not pregnant, not with Blaine and not with Pheonix (what I call my rainbow baby). I went out Tuesday night with a friend for wine and dessert. It was really really nice. Just two moms chatting about work and kids. Even Blaine. She even toasted to him which I thought was really sweet. And she didn't act weird when I teared up. And she didn't cringe when I said "dead baby." I had lunch with two work friends yesterday and when I mentioned Blaine they got quiet and put their heads down. I know there's a huge difference between work friends and real life friends so I didn't expect to have the same conversation with them. But I didn't expect them to get so uncomfortable. When I mentioned my daughter they asked me questions and wanted to know all about her. Well that's not far. If you don't want to hear about one of my children then you can't ask about either of them. All or nothing. We had our group therapy Wednesday night and it was nice. I got to tell them all about Blaine's ashes and one mother asked me to describe them to her since she has her daughter's ashes but has never opened the box. I described them in great detail just like a proud mother would describe her beautiful child. So, in general I had a pretty decent week but can't seem to shake this feeling of loneliness. Maybe this weekend at my father in laws will help. It's such a calming enviroment. This morning I've been working on feeling closer to God. If anyone can cure my loneliness it's him. I've always liked songs that remind me of God but are contemporary pop or country songs. This morning I've been thinking of this one by Miley Cyrus (eye roll inserted here).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wxOVn99FTE&ob=av3e

Approaching Doom

Cue ominous music. Approaching doom. That's how I feel. I was feeling so up and lately am feeling so down again. I know why and I know what's coming. It's like I'm standing in the middle of the street watching an 18 wheeler approach and I want to jump out of the way but I can't. My 18 wheeler is September 18th. Saturday September 18th. Blaine's expected due date. While I know logically he would most likely not be born right on that day it is still significant. Significant because all of my plans for 2010 revolved around that day. I shouldn't have to go to work tomorrow. I should be on maternity leave. I should be seeing my doctor every week now. I should be big and fat and waddling like a duck. I should be getting looks of pity because I am so hot and uncomfortable, not because I have a dead son. My daughter should have had her last day at daycare today. I was going to send her with money to order pizza for everyone. I wanted so bad for Blaine to come before the first day of school so he and I could walk Sissy to school everyday. I got half of what I wished for. He did come before the first day of school. But I will be working and he is dead so Sissy must go to daycare and they will walk her to school. I want to do something special. I had these wild plans in my head months ago about throwing a sort of baby shower on his day but one with donations to dead baby charities instead of gifts. Or I would gather friends and family together and have a balloon release. But I haven't planned anything and besides that who would come. September 18th will be 5 months and 5 days. Everyone has moved on. They moved on at 5 days never mind 5 months. I am the only one stuck here waiting to get hit by a truck, bracing for an impact I know is coming. Haven't planned anything and will most likely spend the day either just like an average Saturday...or alternatively curled up in a ball refusing to leave my bed. I don't know which sounds worse at this point.
I really am trying not to be so Eeyore. I really am. I just have to wallow once in awhile. After one stillbirth (I've officially decided that's what I'm calling it now..regardless of age 31 hours of labour is not a miscarriage) and two "possible" miscarriages in 4 months I think I deserve to wallow once in awhile.
Good news for today: my sugar fairy gave me lots of chocolate today. He must know I hate Tuesdays.