The Pregnancy
My husband and I wanted to have a baby from the time my daughter was about 3 months old. But we decided to wait until she was a little older and we had a little more money. We started trying for our second child in December 2009. We were very lucky to get pregnant the first try and had a BFP in January. Pre pregnancy I was pretty healthy, worked out regularly and ate well. I was extremely sick with nausea, exhaustion and body aches by about 5 weeks. To me this was a sure sign that the baby was thriving. I called him my little parasite, I felt like crap because he was draining all of my nutrients. It was a good thing and I suffered with joy. I first felt the baby move at 8 weeks. A mouse ran across our living room floor and as I jumped a second later the baby jumped. It's like he knew from then on what he was physically capable of. Every couple of days I'd feel a little jump. He became Momma's Little Nudger. I couldn't wait to feel the little movements. Normally it felt like a little butterfly was fluttering but sometimes it was like a full body check. I had my first ultrasound on March 15th. The ultrasound went perfectly. I had to go and eat some chocolate ice cream to get him to roll over and show us his back. He was a stubborn little guy. When the lab tech showed me the screen I swear to God my son waved. I know how smart my son was!! He waved at his Momma. Maybe he knew it was the only time he'd get to say hello to me on Earth. I had my next doctors appt on April 5th, I took my little girl with me so she could hear the babies heartbeat. By now I was feeling much better physically and had some of my energy back. We got to hear his heartbeat and boy, did he have a heartbeat. It was like a stallion romping around my uterus. Abigail was so excited to hear the baby. She wanted this baby as much as I did. The doctor said he sounded very strong and healthy, that his heart was powerful. I had a healthy little baby boy inside me. I had not yet confirmed he was a boy but I just knew. It's funny, with my daughter I wanted a boy, I always wanted a boy ever since I was younger I knew I could raise the perfect man. But I knew right away she was a girl. This time around I wanted another girl, another little princess. But I knew within weeks I was having a boy. I started calling him Blaine right away. I wasn't sure if the name would stick but it was the closest I'd get to naming him after his Momma! We had some special moments together me and my B. I was the only one that got to feel him move and see his wave.
The Descent
The weekend of April 10th was normal. We went to the park and out for ice cream. I do remember feeling much more tired than usual and I had a cramp in my right side all of Sunday afternoon. Logically I know that staying in bed all weekend wouldn't have changed the outcome but emotionally of course I have to wonder. What if I had of taken it easier and not pushed myself to be "normal." On Sunday April 11th I woke up just before midnight. I didn't know why I had woken. And then I realized I had a pain in my stomach. A minute later I had another. I went to the washroom, peed, wiped and there was blood. The one thing you don't want to see when you're pregnant, blood. I tried to stay calm and went and told my husband. He was waking up for his own trip to the washroom, I stood in the doorway and said "I'm bleeding." I felt another pain. This one was worse. And I knew what it was. Having gone through 17 hours of natural labour with my daughter I knew what a labour pain was. We went to google and tried to find some answers. I decided to just call the hospital and they said to go to emergency, not the maternity ward because I was only 17 weeks along. This was not yet a baby to the hospital administrators. I started crying. My husband tried to calm me and I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that bad. Maybe they could give me some drugs and I'd stay in bed for the rest of my pregnancy. For anyone who knows me you know that's not such a bad thing, I like to sleep. We got to the hospital at about 1:30 am. I sat in the waiting room for about an hour and they got me into a room. The doctor came about an hour later. He took an ultrasound, he was optimistic, my baby was fine, still swimming around in there, still with that strong healthy heartbeat. It was the last time I would see my son alive on this Earth. The doctor who by the way had hands like a Sasquatch did an internal exam. I could tell by the look on his face even before he said it. "I'm sorry to tell you that you're having a miscarriage, you're three centimetres dilated." My husband and I both burst into tears. We held each other. I had him wait a couple of hours and then call my Mom who came to be with us. The next day is a blur. I was on morphine and oxytocin (which induces contractions). I couldn't eat or drink because they may have to do a D&C. I don't want an abortion and you may have to give me one to take my living baby out of my dying uterus. I couldn't deal with it. This doctor that was like 15 years old came in to "help" we named him Doogie. It was the only comic relief we got and I am thankful for Doogie. His awkwardness took some of the stress away. He did some work "down there" to help me along but then told me he didn't really know what to do and went to talk to his superiors. They decided to just keep me on the drugs and let me do it naturally. At about 10:30 that night, Monday the 12th Doogie and his superiors decided to unhook me from the machines and let me sleep the night. I was allowed to eat and drink. I had an orange jello, a glass of pineapple juice and a glass of water. My husband left to go home, he wanted to change and see our daughter who was thankfully with Grandma. I cried myself to sleep. My husband came back about two hours later and we slept til about 7:30. We lied in bed and talked. I'm not going to get into the details of what happened at 8:40 am. My baby was born and it is mostly a blur. I remember it like I remember a movie I once saw. The doctors were there, Dr Sasquatch and Doogie and a female Dr who I imagine was Doogies Mother superior. We confirmed he was the boy I thought he was and he was perfectly formed. There was nothing wrong with him. There was nothing wrong with me. The doctor said this was a "fluke." I guess I am supposed to take comfort in that. I do not. I don't take comfort in being part of the 1% of women that this happens to. Statistics are no longer a reliable way for me to make a decision. We went home from the hospital at about noon. My parents and sister took us home. We are trying to get pregnant again, trying to heal, trying to move on with our lives. Trying to parent our little princess. It breaks my heart because she sees me sad sometimes and she's seen me cry. And she asks me why and I can't tell her, can't explain it to her. I can't explain it to anyone. When you're baby dies inside you you are ultimately alone in that pain. Thank God I have my husband to hold me up, my daughter to make me laugh, my online friends who are part of this sad sad club to comfort me and listen to my rants, my faith in God to preserve me. At least on the outside I can keep it together another day.
An Answered Prayer (August 2nd post)
After we had Blaine we made the very wrong decision not to spend any time with him or take photos with him. We were in such shock and couldn't deal with holding our dead baby. Since he was not yet 20 weeks we were not obligated to have a funeral or service. We decided at the time that the best thing for us to do was to walk away. I let the doctors take him and I have regretted this decision since I got home from the hospital. I feel like a horrible mother. I just left him and walked away. I didn't even know what the hospital did with his body. I have assumed for the past 16 weeks that they would have disposed of him like medical waste. I know that sounds harsh. I have been in touch with a wonderful woman from a Bereavement group we go to. We were hoping the hospital had taken a photo or an ultrasound photo and kept it in my file. She was able to get in touch with the hospital on our behalf. Blaine is still there!! He is in the laboratory at the hospital and has been since birth. We can now have him picked up by a funeral home and we can do a proper service for him. I actually cried tears of joy when I read the email. "Blaine is still with us." This is an answered prayer. I have been praying for some peace from the guilt, for a way to honour my son and God answered me. We will be getting in touch with the funeral home this week and having him cremated. My husband came up with the wonderful idea of me getting a pendant to carry his ashes in on my necklace. And the rest we will get a small jar for and have with his candle holder and painting. I feel so relieved and I already feel like some of the guilt is being shed. I can finally give my son the goodbye he deserves.
The Most Beautiful Ear in the World (August 7th post)
This week was a fairly stressful week on one hand and a week of healing on the other. It was stressful making cremation plans for Blaine. But I have been healed in so many ways. For those who don't believe in miracles, there was no paperwork or any reason why the hospital still had Blaine. I know that God was keeping him there until I was ready to say "see you later." (never goodbye) The funeral home picked Blaine up at the hospital on Wednesday and I got to see him. I didn't see him when he was born except for the second he was delivered and I really only remember seeing his head at that point. The hospital had him immediately embalmed so he still looked the same. Because I had not seen him I of course had googled images of 17 week old fetuses! I thought I had a pretty good idea of what they looked like. I was pleasantly surprised that Blaine didn't look like them. He looked like a baby just really miniature. He was lying in a beautiful white box on a white linen sheet. He was on his left side. The first thing I noticed and became fixated on was his perfect ear. It was still skin tone. It was perfectly formed and it was the most beautiful ear I've ever seen in my life. He had huge feet too! Like flippers. He has these skinny little calves and then these flippers at the bottom of them! I love it, Big Sis was born with big feet too. He was leaning on left hand just like he was using it for a pillow. He was in the fetal position. Luckily the funeral director was able to do footprints but they weren't able to do handprints. He is at the crematorium now. We will most likely get him back on Monday although they've warned me that we may not get anything back. Blaine is the smallest baby they have ever cremated and he has no bone structure. It is the bone that makes the ash. So, if we do get any ash it will be less than half a teaspoon and that would be a miracle. This doesn't really bother me though. The important thing for me was that I got to see him and I got to make the plans for him. I feel like a ton of weight has been lifted off of me. And I can't thank God enough for this.
