I have been going back and forth about linking up with
Angie @ Still Life With Circles for this year's Right Where I Am linkey doodle. Here is
my post from last year. I just couldn't decide if I had it in me.
Where am I...a pretty good place. I think, as good as it's going to get.
Most days I don't have the slightest inkling of depression, guilt or regret. Some would chalk that up to having had another child. I am one of the lucky ones who got pregnant again quickly and successfully. Personally, I don't think that's it though. I made a decision to feel better. I make a decision everyday not to grieve anymore. Many will tell you that you will never stop grieving for your child, that everyday you will feel the loss. That's only true if you let it be your truth. For me, that wasn't acceptable. I have two living children who need a complete mother. So, I decided months ago that that's what I would be. That's one of the reasons I don't come on here as much anymore. It isn't because I don't think of B or of the friends I met. It's because if you surround yourself with sadness you will be sad. If you surround yourself with loss you will feel lost. Mind over matter.
So here I am, two years, one month and 13 days later. I have my moments. Just had one an hour ago. Today I've been reliving a good birth experience. Tomorrow is Caleb's first birthday. So, all day today I've been thinking of his birth. Then an hour ago, I flashed back to Blaine's. How different it was. I cried. I felt that surge of guilt and shame. But I recovered. I pushed the negative thoughts out of my head. That's an ability I didn't have last year. Last year and the year before I couldn't for the life of me will myself better. But now I can. Mind over matter.
This is right where I am, the Mother to three beautiful babies. Two who walk with me and one who soars above me. But not forever. I don't need to "grieve" because I've "lost" Blaine. I haven't. He may soar above me now but it's not forever. Someone has promised me something and I know he keeps his promises. He's promised me that there will be a reunion. And while I'm not the most patient person and I do find it very difficult to wait for something that I really really want, I will keep this in mind...earthly pain is temporary, children are not lost to those who are found.
