Life Here

Life is pretty good here.  I have two living children who are currently snuggled up napping on the couch together.  They are so in love.  Yet...

I have just cleaned my bedroom and inevitably ended up reorganizing Blaine's things and cleaning them as well.  I miss him.  I miss what could have been.  It's not even really "missing" because I didn't know Blaine.  Let's be honest.  For all I know Blaine could have grown up to be a real jerk.  He was a baby in the womb.  He didn't do anything that I can "miss."  So, I guess that's not the word.  "Long."  I long for the little kicks and punches I felt so early on.  I wish.  I wish I had a lifetime of memories to miss.  It's hard to explain to someone who has never "lost" a pregnancy.  All of the things you thought would be your life for the next 60 years are gone.

I'm not unusually sad or depressed today.  I'm just thinking of him a lot.  It's just one of those days that I still have every once in awhile where I have to revisit that time.  That time when grief was fresh and new.

My sad little attempt at doing something creative!  lol  Couldn't find a "perfect" background.

Lil Angel Hankie

I just got this in the mail today!  I totally forgot that I requested it, can't even remember when I did.

It's this great group called "Little Angel Hankies"

It is so beautiful.  They are hand stitched and made by request for free for baby loss parents.  I am a huge fan of theirs.

My favourite part of the included poem is

"I love him as much as I love my new son
He made me a Mommy, though his time was cut short."
by Tricia Pyatt, who does the hankies.

For free!!!  If you know me you know I loathe anything that profits off of our loss.  This is an incredible gift for parents but of course donations are welcome since this is all being done by hand and mailed.

I love it, love it, love it!!

Day 7

Day 7: Do you do something to honour your angel (s)? If so what?

I write about him.  I talk about him.  And more importantly I do what I can for others.  In Blaine's name I try to do what little I can to make other parents feel supported throughout their loss.  I hope that when they think of me they think of Blaine.  I hope I can show that I would have been a great mother to him. 

Correction to yesterday.  I guess riding in a taxi without a carseat is now legal.  When someone took my daughter in a cab without my consent I had looked it up and found that carseats were required.  Now that is not the case.  So, legally you can endanger your child's life.  It begs the question, do some parents only take good care of their children when the gov't tells them they have to?  In Ontario it's the law that you are not allowed to smoke in a vehicle with a child under the age of 16.  Does common sense have to be dictated by law?  Trust me when I say I have already emailed the Ministry of Transport re: the carseat issue and will be doing everything I can to have this law amended. 

Day 5

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminders of your angel (s)? If so what are they?

I'm not a huge believer in "signs" from beyond.  Once when I was young, after a cousin had passed away, I was listening to a song from her funeral in my room and the volume literally turned down on the stereo.  Like the button actually went to a lower volume.  So, do I think they exist, yes.  Do I think Blaine is floating around above me waiting for a moment to say Hi Mom?  No, I hope not.  I don't want to picture him as being in between.  I want him up there living the good life not worrying about me.  That being said there are some things that make me stop and think of him.  A sunflower.  Breaking Dawn, yes the book.  Bella called her daughter "my little nudger" and that's what I called him when I was pregnant and he was alive and kicking.  When I walk past the funeral home or see a hearse or a graveyard or anything related to the funeral industry, I think of him and his brief stint.  It seems there isn't a day that goes by that I don't see or hear something that makes me stop for a second, usually with a broken smile and think "Blaine."

Dates

Ah September. A month of beginnings. Abby starts full time school next week. Caleb and I will start to head out to drop in centres and maybe find some other babies to hang with. I like the fall weather and I've been dying to put Caleb in his little sweaters and hats. September. I am reminded daily that I SHOULD be back to work now, I SHOULD be planning a first birthday party. SHOULD I do something for what would have been Blaine's due date, September 18th. I'm actually not too sad about this. I'm just matter of fact about it. Last September was much harder. Now I think I'm at a place in my grief when I can be happy, even on sad days and with so many reminders of the shoulds.
Yesterday I did something I thought I would never ever do. I threw out the wrapping paper that Blaine's box of ashes was wrapped in and the green plastic bag that I carried him home in from the funeral home. I realized that I don't need to keep garbage. Throwing garbage away doesn't mean he's not here or that I don't love him. I would never throw away real mementos but somethings are just stuff. I was nervous I'd want to go picking through the garbage and get them back but I don't. I'm at peace.

August 19th - Day of Hope

A Mother Torn in Two

I just found this on the Kota Loss and Compassion site... this is it...

No Choice
by Wendy Plumley

My eyes are swollen
beyond capacity
from unshed tears.
My heart is numb
and I am broken
from one
too many blows.


I refuse the pain,
and therefore
dare not cry,
lest I dissipate
in the salty torrent
of anguish,
without hope of
ever resurfacing.


Gasping for air,
I must fight
the towering
waves of grief
that threaten
to engulf me.
For once so lost
it is impossible
to return.


No cut
or wound
could hurt
more deeply
than this
devastating
loss.


So understand
I do not cry,
because she needs me.
My body will cling
to a precarious sanity
and remain,
though my soul
has long fled
this treacherous world
because I need him.


A mother, torn in two.


In the author's words
The above poem was written for a mother who struggles to remain in this world for her young daughter, whilst all the time dreadfully missing her son.

Blaine's Butterfly Release

me and Abby releasing the butterfly and Abby holding it

Yesterday we sort of attended the PBSO Butterfly Release. I say sort of because we were late. I stupidly thought it started at 11:30 not 11 and so we got there and they had already released them. We were told we were too late. Needless to say I started to have a breakdown. How can I screw up one of the few things I get to do for Blaine? Hubby talked to someone though and they had extras not yet released so they gave us one. Phew! Sissy and I released them and then hubby and her chased it around taking pics. Then it met a friend and they flew away together, swirling around each other almost like they were dancing. I immediately thought of so many of my BLM sisters. Thinking that it had to be one of Blaine's friends. I feel so relieved that we got one to release but feel like a total idiot for mixing up the times and almost ruining the day for us. Who am I kidding, it would have ruined my whole week.

30 Days of Questions - Day One

A recent photo of myself:

15 "interesting facts about myself" Not sure how interesting these will be...

1. I love vampire stories, all of them, even cheesy ones like V.D.


2. I am the mother of three


3. I have had the same favourite band (Bluerodeo) since I was in grade nine, fell in love with them because the song of theirs that was popular at the time reminded me of my favourite book at the time.


4. I don't have a lot of friends and like to spend a fair amount of time alone, a luxury now that I'm married with children.


5. I've read thousands and thousands of books. I'm a speed reader so if I have access to them I can read about two or three novels a week.


6. I hate wearing makeup and I don't wear high heels although I still consider myself girly.


7. I like a lot of the shows my daughter "forces" me to watch and find myself laughing at the stupid jokes almost everytime.


8. There are some things I know I cannot live without: my hubby, my kids, God, coffee and chocolate.


9. I have become one of those annoying parents who takes a hundred pics of their kids a day and thinks everyone else wants to look at them.


10. I am a country girl and would give up this city life in a second, pack it all up and head up north.


11. My dream car is a bright pink pick up truck!


12. I watch one soap opera, GH, religiously. I had my hubby buy a PVR just to record that one show while I am at work so I don't miss anything. It's the only soap I can stand but I can't miss it!


13. I am an only child but I have three step siblings and three half siblings. That might not make sense.


14. I would much rather lie on a beach, watching the kids play in the surf, drinking margheritas, than soak up "culture" in some European city or check out ancient ruins somewhere. That to me sounds like work.


15. I never in my life thought I would count "strangers" as my family or credit them for helping to save me on dark days. But here we all are.
    
    

Rollercoaster

I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster lately. Within minutes I can go from laughing to weeping. I know it's most likely the hormones but it's not fun. Especially the bitter or weepy moments. Luckily one emotion doesn't stick around and then I'm on to the next one. My weepy and bitter moments usually bring up unresolved feelings about losing my boy.

I've got everything prepared for his memory boxes, to donate on his bday to the hospital. I have to still contact them which I'll talk to my doctor about on Wed. Hopefully they will take them, if not I'm sure the bereavement group we used to go to will have use for them. A friend of mine made cute little blankets, doll size, to include. And then I have framed poem the poem "Just Those Few Weeks" which can be found on my page of poems...I made it look like this for framing, size 4x6

and a scented candle, and a keychain which can be engraved. I decided to keep it simple and non religious so that it can be given to anyone.

For Blaine's birthday I'm also hoping to order one of these for our family...I saw it on Etsy and am in love!

I've been looking at all sorts of sculptures and figurines but none really speak to me like this. I can't remember where I read it but I remember reading "we are a family of (five) but with one missing, and that is a huge difference." This makes me think of that.

14 more days til Mat Leave! I am feeling so relieved and so ready to just be home and prepare for our new arrival. I've washed Caleb's "wear at hospital" and "wear home" outfits. Just in case he comes early.

Blaine in Mexico

From a friend of a friend. My friend Lisa must have Blaine's name out there! First Jamaica and now her friends who I don't know have made photos of Blaine's name on the beach in Mexico. Love it!

Always Remembering

Day off work today, whoo hoo! And to my delight, Abby had school. So I got to run some errands. Picked up my Christmas present from another BLM at the post office. It is a beautiful framed photo of Blaine's name with a poem. Bought a scrapbook for all of Blaine's name photos. Bought Abby some silly bands. Then I had to buy Caleb something so I actually bought an outfit. I was so hesitant to buy it wondering what I would do with it if he died. But it's so cute and has monkey's on it so I couldn't resist. Having three kids is kind of expensive! lol but it was nice to do that. I've been working on the DBC blog (and neglecting my own). I'm trying to update the directories, if you have any suggestions please let me know. I feel like I'm just writing the same things here. My grief and my fears. It's kind of repetitive at this point. That's why I stopped writing everyday. Not because I don't think about Blaine everyday or because I am trying to forget but because I find I'm just writing the same things over and over. My husband and I were on a "date" the other night and we inevitably ended up talking about Blaine. I said even if we wanted to forget Abby would never let us. She mentions him everyday. If we do something for her she automatically includes him. We were making cookies yesterday and she suggested we decorate one for her, one for Blaine and one for Caleb. How did I get so lucky to have a daughter like this?
One decision we've made which I am super excited about and can't wait for is coming up this summer. We were discussing the possibility of taking the rest of Blaine's ashes (that didn't fit in my pendant) and scattering them up at Papa's house. Papa came up with the suggestion that instead we plant a tree for him. We can bury the rest of the ashes with the tree. I've picked out a beautiful tree called a "Tulip Tree" or it's other name "Yellow Poplar." It grows leaves with little flowers on them every spring and in the fall the leaves are a beautiful yellow. It grows to be about 70 feet tall but is not too wide. I know exactly where I want to plant it. And hubby says we'll also get a little plaque for it so everyone knows who's tree it is. I felt so happy to have Papa suggest this because as noted before Christmas was a bust with no one mentioning Blaine. But his Papa came up with a great idea for him so that made me feel pretty good. One day the house up there will be ours and we will most likely grow old there after retirement. So, while I may not get to be an old lady sitting on her porch watching Blaine's kids run around, I will get to be an old lady sitting on her porch watching Blaine's tree blossom.

Photos

Two new name photos courtesy of my friend Lisa, we used to work together but now she has embarked on adventures in babysitting! She had a friend take these in Jamaica! Blaine basking in the sun.

Surprise Presents

This was the first email I opened at work today. It was titled "Blaine in China." This is Blaine's name written in Chinese at the Great Wall of China. My friend Liz at work did this for me as a surprise birthday gift. Liz is one of those rare "BM's" who have actually taken time to "get" the whole "BLM" thing. Liz could write a book to tell friends and family what to do and say when someone you know loses a child. I had to surpress tears of joy at my desk looking at this. It was a perfect bday present. Love it love it love it.
Another pleasant surprise, my supervisor and someone I consider to be a friend and mentor took me out for a bday luncheon. It was nice to go out for lunch and just chit chat. And work has been really busy for me lately and I haven't taken a proper lunch in over a week so that was nice too.
And now time to finish my candy cane cheesecake! I love being spoiled.

Rambling

Nothing is better than a lazy Saturday. I love them. Taking Abby to karate and then coming home, relaxing, maybe some cleaning, some internet time, some tea or coffee and maybe a pastry from the bakery. Nothing to do but relax and enjoy the day off work.
Tomorrow we are decorating our place for Christmas. I love Christmas which is why I will probably mention it everyday until the 28th! I can't wait to decorate and watch Abby putting the ornaments on the tree. We went to a craft sale and she picked out a homemade butterfly ornament for Blaine. We wrote his name on it. I'm glad I get to involve her in these things. It's comforting to see her remembering him and talking about him. I know she will carry him with her for all of her life.
At karate today there was a new little guy in class and him and his mom were playing before class started. It broke my heart a little because I would love to be playing and cuddling with Blaine, chasing him around, tickling him and twirling him in the air. I know one day I will get to but it doesn't seem soon enough. Believing in heaven makes things much easier but it seems so far away sometimes.
This post is everywhere but that's my head these days. I am everywhere and feeling everything. Blogs are a mixed bag because I am a mixed bag.
Tomorrow is my birthday so hubby and I are shipping Abby off to Grandmas and spending a quiet evening together. This might be TMI but we haven't "you know" since I found out I was pregnant. I'm terrified we'll pop something. I know that sounds extremely paranoid but I feel like I need to keep that area specifically for the baby right now. So, that leaves me feeling very self conscious and my self esteem is kind of taking a hit. I'm really fat right now. I'm not "you knowing" with him. I feel like I'm a horrible wife right now but for the immediate present I need to be all about me.
So, I am rambling. Sometimes you got to!
I hope she doesn't mind me doing this but I'm asking anyone reading this to please stop for a minute and say a prayer for my BLM friend Dana. She is having a rough time right now and my heart is broken for her. If you've read this post please stop right now and pray for her. Let our prayers send Jesus himself to her to surround her with love and hugs.

Dream

Love it! This is Blaine's page in the Memorial Sketchbook created by Anchored by Hope. It's beautiful and perfectly yellow!

I had the best dream last night. I was with Blaine and another little boy. Blaine looked just like Big Sis did when she was about one and a half. But he was four or five in my dream. We were playing hide and seek and the other kid was looking for us. I knew we were going to get found because everytime Blaine looked at me he got a big smile on his face and giggled. I could have dreamt that dream for days. Put me in a coma and let me dream that dream.

One Lovely Blog Award

thanks to Melissa for choosing my blog for the award!! Here are the rules:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

Sorry I could only choose ten as I love way more than ten!!

1. Valentina in the Sky

2. Our Journey to Bailey and Beyond

3. In Memory of Jacob

4. Little Bird

5. The Root of all Evel

6. Loving Henry (my first penpal!!)

7. The Dead Baby Club

8. A Rainbow and My Butterfly

9. Hello Goodbye

10. On KK's Butterfly Wings

One Page Complete

This is one of the pages of scrapbooking I am doing. This one has the first verse to "the Dance" by Garth Brooks written out over and over again to cover the page. And I've included the 4x6 card my Dad made and the front and back of the card the funeral home made. (That's my table cloth in the background, of course I had to buy one with sunflowers!!)

Scrapbooking

I have started to round up all of the resources I need for scrapbooking Blaine's brief life. I chose the paper, not exactly what I wanted but it's nice. I've chosen what is going to go on the paper...on page for his life and one for his death. For his life I'll have his ultrasound photo, a photo of me pregnant and a little synopsis of my pregnancy. For his death I'll have the metal tag he was cremated with, the memorial card from the funeral home and his footprints. In the background I'm going to write out the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. I may do a page of the butterfly release we went to in June. And that's it. That's pretty depressing. Once I have everything gathered it'll take about two hours to do these pages. I almost don't want to start because I don't want to finish. But I want to do them and have them hanging up. Along side photos of Big Sis. It's just sad that I don't get to do a lifetime of scrapbooking. I get two maybe three pages. Too brief.
My rant for today...a fellow BLM created a FB event to remind everyone of October 15th. I invited all of my "friends" and half jokingly said if they chose not to attend I would delete them. It is clearly marked as a virutal event. That's even in capitals so it's pretty clear. And now I am left with the question, do I delete the people, including my own brother, who said "not attending?" Either they didn't even bother to read the event and just automatically put not attending because they can't take time out of their precious lives. Or, they read it and aren't smart enough to understand what "virtual event" means. Either way do I want them as "friends?" Either they're really dumb or they're self absorbed. Which is worse? I've already deleted some cold hearted people from my FB. Today I deleted the "friend" who said she'd do a photo of B's name for me and then couldn't be bothered.

My Boy's Feet

This is something me and my Dad made. Those are Blaine's actual footprints. The funeral home made us some stationary but I wanted to make something on my own. As soon as I saw his little big feet I remembered reading this saying on another BLM's blog. Blaine has certainly left an imprint in my life. And I hope in the lives of the people who care for me and my family. The sunflowers were a fitting addition as he is my sunflower. Leaning up towards the light. Here for a brief moment in time. Mommy misses you B. Please send me some extra love and hugs as your EDD approaches. Take Father by the hand and tell him your Momma needs some good news and an extra angel on her shoulder this month. I love you.

Sunflower of my Heart

"Believe Me If All Those Endearing Young Charms" by the poet Thomas Moore:

"...the heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close, As the sunflower turns on her god, when he sets, The same look which she turned when he rose. "

The sunflower signifies pure thoughts. It symbolizes adoration and dedication. It is symbolic of dedicated love. (description found here)

I didn't realize that the sunflower is the flower of the third wedding anniversary. I celebrated my third wedding anniversary on April 14. One day after Blaine died. My son. My sunflower. I'm not exactly sure why these flowers make me think of him. I was never a big fan before. I had a friend years ago who loved sunflowers...I hope she still does. Maybe I like them because they're yellow. They stand tall and proud as I imagine he would have as a man. They are beautiful and strong, standing up against the rain and wind. They are seasonal. When the dark and cold winter comes they are gone.

I've had a pretty bitter day. Went out for lunch at work with my group. Kept thinking it should have been a lunch for me leaving on my maternity leave. Had cupcakes at the party to celebrate two people leaving our office. Should have been cupcakes with blue icing for Blaine. Was bitter about my cousin being pregnant but I have gotten over that and can now honestly say I am a little excited. Worried for her since she is young and single. But I will be there for her. I have to be. As hard as it will be for me I cannot let her do this alone, I would never forgive myself. I know how scared she is and shocked. I was only 26 when I got pregnant the first time too. I am trying to let go of the bitterness so I have been looking up items of meaning. Sunflowers, colours and scripture. I am enjoying this scripture right now and trying to hold it in my heart and erase the week I've had.

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

I am going to cuddle up with my son's ashes, watch General Hospital and cry myself to sleep.