Always Remembering

Day off work today, whoo hoo! And to my delight, Abby had school. So I got to run some errands. Picked up my Christmas present from another BLM at the post office. It is a beautiful framed photo of Blaine's name with a poem. Bought a scrapbook for all of Blaine's name photos. Bought Abby some silly bands. Then I had to buy Caleb something so I actually bought an outfit. I was so hesitant to buy it wondering what I would do with it if he died. But it's so cute and has monkey's on it so I couldn't resist. Having three kids is kind of expensive! lol but it was nice to do that. I've been working on the DBC blog (and neglecting my own). I'm trying to update the directories, if you have any suggestions please let me know. I feel like I'm just writing the same things here. My grief and my fears. It's kind of repetitive at this point. That's why I stopped writing everyday. Not because I don't think about Blaine everyday or because I am trying to forget but because I find I'm just writing the same things over and over. My husband and I were on a "date" the other night and we inevitably ended up talking about Blaine. I said even if we wanted to forget Abby would never let us. She mentions him everyday. If we do something for her she automatically includes him. We were making cookies yesterday and she suggested we decorate one for her, one for Blaine and one for Caleb. How did I get so lucky to have a daughter like this?
One decision we've made which I am super excited about and can't wait for is coming up this summer. We were discussing the possibility of taking the rest of Blaine's ashes (that didn't fit in my pendant) and scattering them up at Papa's house. Papa came up with the suggestion that instead we plant a tree for him. We can bury the rest of the ashes with the tree. I've picked out a beautiful tree called a "Tulip Tree" or it's other name "Yellow Poplar." It grows leaves with little flowers on them every spring and in the fall the leaves are a beautiful yellow. It grows to be about 70 feet tall but is not too wide. I know exactly where I want to plant it. And hubby says we'll also get a little plaque for it so everyone knows who's tree it is. I felt so happy to have Papa suggest this because as noted before Christmas was a bust with no one mentioning Blaine. But his Papa came up with a great idea for him so that made me feel pretty good. One day the house up there will be ours and we will most likely grow old there after retirement. So, while I may not get to be an old lady sitting on her porch watching Blaine's kids run around, I will get to be an old lady sitting on her porch watching Blaine's tree blossom.

There That Wasn't So Bad

For a Tuesday I can't complain. I actually forgot it was Tuesday until my lunch break. Then I was taking a walk and remembered. But instead of being sad this time I was actually relieved and a bit happy. I'm glad it didn't stick me like a knife to remember. I really only had one ouchy moment today. Today is back to school for most kids and as I stood waiting for an elevator, staring blankly at the tv I saw on the news a lucky mom dropping her kid off at school, carrying a little baby in a sling. Ouch. That should be me. I should have Blaine in a sling. We should have walked big sis to school today, maybe his first outing since coming home from the hospital? Would have been a really nice way to spend my day. Instead I am working. Are all of these "what if's" and "if only's" going to last forever? Will I ever be able to pass a milestone or celebrate a special occasion again without wondering what it would be like to have B with me? To be sad that something is missing. I worked slowly on my scrapbook page last night. Can't do anymore tonight because I am going out for a well needed glass of wine and creme brulee! And I am starting a new project up on the DBC so will need to work on that later.
Can't wait to go up north this weekend and spend sometime with Blaine's Papa. Oh how he would have loved his grandson. I wonder if Blaine would have run to him and hugged him as hard as big sis does.

Bringing Home Baby

Isn't that the name of the show where parents bring their living children home from the hospital and complain about sore breasts and sleepless nights? I wish I had those complaints right now. Tonight I carried my dead son in a plastic bag down a busy street. Praying not to get mugged, hand clinging to the handle of the bag with a ninja death grip so hard my fingers were stiff. But he is home. Blaine is sitting in the chair next to me. He is about one teaspoon of ash. There is some bone or cartilage whatever it is. And a small piece which I swear looks like skull. They put him in a little plastic baggy inside a big black plastic box. This thing was sealed so tight I had to pry it open. And of course I was so desperate to see him I was like a starving squirrel trying to open my last damn nut. I got the box open and took out the baggy. Such a little bit of ash. Just enough for Momma and Daddy's pendants. The funeral home included a cremation certificate; a laminated card with his footprints; a certificate with his footprints and date of birth (death) on it and some really nice cards I can give to family or keep all to myself, haven't decided yet. This was all wrapped up in a dark green velvet bag. And then the bag was placed in a big plastic green bag so as not to be so conspicuous as I walked home. The stationary included two poems which I will make a page for as they are rather long.
I feel so relieved to have him here. I don't know how I'm going to leave him and go to work tomorrow. I have this desire to now carry these ashes every where.
And his little footprints. Oh such sweet little feet. They actually weren't that little compared to the rest of him! But they are still so little compared to the bigness of life. A life that just wasn't good enough for him. I'm going to take these little big feet and get them tattooed on my arm. I have the design all ready. Then I can look at these little big feet every time I look down at my skin. It seems only fitting since Blaine lives in my bones.
I've taken a whole slew of photos of tons of stuff but my stupid computer is in the repair shop and we have a loaner and I can't put my pics on the computer right now.
Any one know of any good FREE collage making sites online?
In other news, I'm going to start helping Heather out with the Dead Baby Club blog so please go over and become a follower.