Isn't that the name of the show where parents bring their living children home from the hospital and complain about sore breasts and sleepless nights? I wish I had those complaints right now. Tonight I carried my dead son in a plastic bag down a busy street. Praying not to get mugged, hand clinging to the handle of the bag with a ninja death grip so hard my fingers were stiff. But he is home. Blaine is sitting in the chair next to me. He is about one teaspoon of ash. There is some bone or cartilage whatever it is. And a small piece which I swear looks like skull. They put him in a little plastic baggy inside a big black plastic box. This thing was sealed so tight I had to pry it open. And of course I was so desperate to see him I was like a starving squirrel trying to open my last damn nut. I got the box open and took out the baggy. Such a little bit of ash. Just enough for Momma and Daddy's pendants. The funeral home included a cremation certificate; a laminated card with his footprints; a certificate with his footprints and date of birth (death) on it and some really nice cards I can give to family or keep all to myself, haven't decided yet. This was all wrapped up in a dark green velvet bag. And then the bag was placed in a big plastic green bag so as not to be so conspicuous as I walked home. The stationary included two poems which I will make a page for as they are rather long.
I feel so relieved to have him here. I don't know how I'm going to leave him and go to work tomorrow. I have this desire to now carry these ashes every where.
And his little footprints. Oh such sweet little feet. They actually weren't that little compared to the rest of him! But they are still so little compared to the bigness of life. A life that just wasn't good enough for him. I'm going to take these little big feet and get them tattooed on my arm. I have the design all ready. Then I can look at these little big feet every time I look down at my skin. It seems only fitting since Blaine lives in my bones.
I've taken a whole slew of photos of tons of stuff but my stupid computer is in the repair shop and we have a loaner and I can't put my pics on the computer right now.
Any one know of any good FREE collage making sites online?
In other news, I'm going to start helping Heather out with the Dead Baby Club blog so please go over and become a follower.
2 comments:
I'm so glad you have him home with you. The funeral home gave you so many nice things. We got a small urn in a dark green velvety bag as well, but we didn't get a card with his footprints or any cards to give to others.
I carried Jacob's ashes around with me everywhere when we got them, but we were burying them the same night. I know how hard it will be to leave them at home tomorrow. You could bring them with you, but then I would worry that they could get lost or stolen (I am so paranoid when it comes to anything involving Jacob).
I think your tattoo sounds adorable. My husband recently had one done for Jacob at Adrenaline in Toronto on Queen St. It seemed a little expensive, but they did a good job. I'm looking forward to seeing your pictures and to seeing the tattoo!
Wow, I totally can see you clinging to that bag as you carried your precious and secret cargo home. It's just as important as a safe, first drive home with a live baby in the back seat; but it's also so very different and heartbreaking. I'm glad he is with you now.
I'd love to see a photo of your tattoo once it is done - it sounds perfect!
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