Bringing Home Baby

Isn't that the name of the show where parents bring their living children home from the hospital and complain about sore breasts and sleepless nights? I wish I had those complaints right now. Tonight I carried my dead son in a plastic bag down a busy street. Praying not to get mugged, hand clinging to the handle of the bag with a ninja death grip so hard my fingers were stiff. But he is home. Blaine is sitting in the chair next to me. He is about one teaspoon of ash. There is some bone or cartilage whatever it is. And a small piece which I swear looks like skull. They put him in a little plastic baggy inside a big black plastic box. This thing was sealed so tight I had to pry it open. And of course I was so desperate to see him I was like a starving squirrel trying to open my last damn nut. I got the box open and took out the baggy. Such a little bit of ash. Just enough for Momma and Daddy's pendants. The funeral home included a cremation certificate; a laminated card with his footprints; a certificate with his footprints and date of birth (death) on it and some really nice cards I can give to family or keep all to myself, haven't decided yet. This was all wrapped up in a dark green velvet bag. And then the bag was placed in a big plastic green bag so as not to be so conspicuous as I walked home. The stationary included two poems which I will make a page for as they are rather long.
I feel so relieved to have him here. I don't know how I'm going to leave him and go to work tomorrow. I have this desire to now carry these ashes every where.
And his little footprints. Oh such sweet little feet. They actually weren't that little compared to the rest of him! But they are still so little compared to the bigness of life. A life that just wasn't good enough for him. I'm going to take these little big feet and get them tattooed on my arm. I have the design all ready. Then I can look at these little big feet every time I look down at my skin. It seems only fitting since Blaine lives in my bones.
I've taken a whole slew of photos of tons of stuff but my stupid computer is in the repair shop and we have a loaner and I can't put my pics on the computer right now.
Any one know of any good FREE collage making sites online?
In other news, I'm going to start helping Heather out with the Dead Baby Club blog so please go over and become a follower.

The Most Beautiful Ear in the World

This week was a fairly stressful week on one hand and a week of healing on the other. It was stressful making cremation plans for Blaine. But I have been healed in so many ways. For those who don't believe in miracles, there was no paperwork or any reason why the hospital still had Blaine. I know that God was keeping him there until I was ready to say "see you later." (never goodbye) The funeral home picked Blaine up at the hospital on Wednesday and I got to see him. I didn't see him when he was born except for the second he was delivered and I really only remember seeing his head at that point. The hospital had him immediately embalmed so he still looked the same. Because I had not seen him I of course had googled images of 17 week old fetuses! I thought I had a pretty good idea of what they looked like. I was pleasantly surprised that Blaine didn't look like them. He looked like a baby just really miniature. He was lying in a beautiful white box on a white linen sheet. He was on his left side. The first thing I noticed and became fixated on was his perfect ear. It was still skin tone. It was perfectly formed and it was the most beautiful ear I've ever seen in my life. He had huge feet too! Like flippers. He has these skinny little calves and then these flippers at the bottom of them! I love it, Big Sis was born with big feet too. He was leaning on left hand just like he was using it for a pillow. He was in the fetal position. Luckily the funeral director was able to do footprints but they weren't able to do handprints. He is at the crematorium now. We will most likely get him back on Monday although they've warned me that we may not get anything back. Blaine is the smallest baby they have ever cremated and he has no bone structure. It is the bone that makes the ash. So, if we do get any ash it will be less than half a teaspoon and that would be a miracle. This doesn't really bother me though. The important thing for me was that I got to see him and I got to make the plans for him. I feel like a ton of weight has been lifted off of me. And I can't thank God enough for this.
Last night I had dinner with two friends and it was nice to be able to talk about him and to tell them about his little ear and how happy I am now that I got to see him.
I have my tattoo all planned out now. It's going to have a sunflower and his little footprints and it's going to be an arm band wrapped around just above the wrist. If I'm not pregnant in September I'll probably get it then.

Making Plans That Should Never be Made

Yesterday and today I did what a Mother should never have to do. But I thank God for the opportunity. I went to the local funeral home yesterday and made the arrangements to have Blaine picked up from the hospital and cremated. We have chosen two pendants, one of a mother and child for me, and one of a baseball for hubby, to carry our son's ashes. There will not be enough left over for an urn but I will probably get this one I found anyway. I can always keep the pendants inside when they're not being worn. I have felt such enormous guilt and now I feel like the worst is behind me. I can breath again. This morning I had to go back to pay for the services. It was not half as costly as I imagined it would be, another blessing, since I'm broke! My mother came with me today. She was surprisingly supportive. Not that she isn't supportive but our family doesn't really deal with emotional stuff well. I tend to shut down, my mom falls apart and my dad withdraws. But we have come together for Blaine. My dad worried that this would make me feel worse but I explained that this is actually healing me in a way. My mom wanted to go in the chapel after we paid the director. So, we went in and she said a little prayer for our family and for Blaine. We talked about all of the loving people we know that Blaine has joined in Heaven. My old dog Sadie (yes, all dogs go to Heaven!), my cousin Lindsay who passed away from brain tumours at the age of 13, my Aunt Mary and my Grandmother. I said Blaine was probably playing catch with Sadie as we speak. I told my mom about all of the online BLM I know and I think Blaine has lots of friends up there. The funeral home will pick Blaine up today and I may go and spend some time with him this afternoon before they take him to the crematorium. He will be placed in a small white casket. If I get to see him before he goes I want to put a lock of my hair in with him and maybe a photo of our family. I have no explanation as to why the hospital kept him embalmed in the lab for all this time but I am thankful for it and will definitely not be complaining. It was a gift from my God. He knew in time I would need this. We have decided not to have a service. It would be more costly and other than me and hubby and my parents I can't think of anyone who would want to come. It's been three months and everyone else has moved on. I may do a balloon release on my due date which is fast approaching. I don't feel like I need a big service though. I just want to bring my boy home.

An Answered Prayer

After we had Blaine we made the very wrong decision not to spend any time with him or take photos with him. We were in such shock and couldn't deal with holding our dead baby. Since he was not yet 20 weeks we were not obligated to have a funeral or service. We decided at the time that the best thing for us to do was to walk away. I let the doctors take him and I have regretted this decision since I got home from the hospital. I feel like a horrible mother. I just left him and walked away. I didn't even know what the hospital did with his body. I have assumed for the past 16 weeks that they would have disposed of him like medical waste. I know that sounds harsh. I have been in touch with a wonderful woman from a Bereavement group we go to. We were hoping the hospital had taken a photo or an ultrasound photo and kept it in my file. She was able to get in touch with the hospital on our behalf. Blaine is still there!! He is in the laboratory at the hospital and has been since birth. We can now have him picked up by a funeral home and we can do a proper service for him. I actually cried tears of joy when I read the email. "Blaine is still with us." This is an answered prayer. I have been praying for some peace from the guilt, for a way to honour my son and God answered me. We will be getting in touch with the funeral home this week and having him cremated. My husband came up with the wonderful idea of me getting a pendant to carry his ashes in on my necklace. And the rest we will get a small jar for and have with his candle holder and painting. I feel so relieved and I already feel like some of the guilt is being shed. I can finally give my son the goodbye he deserves.