Costumes

Oh Halloween, I love you. I have always loved Halloween. Partly because I love love love chocolate. I would have married chocolate if you could make babies with it. And I love free chocolate even more! Halloween is also the gateway to Christmas, my favourite!! And yes, in my family that's "CHRIST" MAS not "the holidays." I can't really justify shopping for Christmas ornaments or decorating until after Halloween is over. But come November 1st, it's on like donkey kong! I used to love dressing up when I was a kid. And we'd go out for hours and fill pillow cases with junk food. One year my Dad was really into it for some reason (or just trying to wear us out) and we walked what must have been miles. I think at one point we were actually begging to go home. And then I got older and went through the stage where Halloween was an excuse to get drunk and dress like a slut. I went as a "sexy witch" one year, a "Catholic school girl" the next. Ultimate debauchery...jello shots instead of candy. And now I'm a mom and Halloween is back to long walks in the fall air and lots of candy. I love dressing up my daughter, I have every year since she was born, even the first Halloween when she was too little to do anything. She was still forced into a caterpillar costume for photos. Most years she has more than one costume, this year she was sleeping beauty at daycare, Princess Tiana at karate and tomorrow she will be bugs bunny. I don't dress up anymore. Gone are the days when I enjoyed a big party and adult costumes are pretty pricey. But this year I have decided to dress up. Tomorrow when I take my daughter trick or treating I am going to dress up as a non BLM, a mother without a dead baby. I am going to smile at the babies in the strollers dressed up like pumpkins and butterflies. I will not cringe when a blue eyed boy runs past me. I will wear a huge smile on my face, I will kick at the leaves and run from house to house with my daughter. My husband will take photos of his ladies and I will have a genuine look of happiness on my face. There will be no tears for the missing piece. I will forget that our family is incomplete. That there should be a chubby little pumpkin in a carrier sleeping against my chest. We will go out for hot chocolate afterwards and talk about the houses that were decorated and how scary some things were. No one will look at me and think I have a longing in my eyes. I will not stare off into the distance daydreaming about all of the oohs and aahs my little Blaine would have gotten for being just too darn cute. Tomorrow I will put on the costume of a normal, healthy, strong, mother who doesn't know what it's like to give birth to death. Happy Halloween.

Are you there God, it's not Margaret

I find myself thinking a lot about God today and his plans for me. I don't seem to be the only one since about 5 of the blogs I follow have had similar topics in the past few days. From trusting God to believing in God to wondering what God has planned for us next. I have to admit I've never thought of God as a planner. I don't think he put my mom and dad together and said "ok if this sperm meets this egg then you're going to have this girl and she'll have this predetermined life." That would be awfully cruel and pointless. I have never blamed God for "taking Blaine." Not in that sense. I have always understood that I did nothing wrong or committed a sin which required me to lose my son. We live in a broken world and miscarriage and stillbirth and infant death are part of the package. In fact, how much time do the citizens of Earth spend telling God to leave them alone, to let them be free and do whatever they want, be whoever they want to be. Well I believe he has given the world it's wish. That being said, I did feel abandoned. I felt like that guy in the poem footprints who sees the one set of footprints. I prayed and prayed for Blaine to be safe and born healthy and happy, just as I pray for my daughter. And I went into labour far too soon. In the hospital I asked for a chaplain, none came. I prayed for a quick end to what was happening, I laboured for 31 hours. I truly felt like God had just abandoned me on the worst moment of my life. While I don't feel that God caused Blaine to die I know that he could have given me a miracle. He could have interceded and miraculously resealed my cervix, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, why not Blaine? But then I started thinking, when was the last time I interceded on God's behalf? Most people I know probably don't know I'm a Christian. I only discuss religious beliefs with other religious people. At the risk of causing arguments and being called "politically incorrect" I normally keep my views to myself. So, if I'm a closet Christian why would I deserve a miracle? I don't really think God is like that though. I think even though I am wishy washy he isn't. Even when I falter in loving him, he adores me. Even when I sit quietly and listen to the anti church rhetoric, he stands boldly on my behalf. So, why didn't I get a miracle then? If I don't believe everything is predetermined and I don't believe I was being punished or abandoned then what? What was the point? I know Blaine's death changed me and for the better. It's brought me closer to God and I feel closer to my friends and family. Is that it? Is that enough?

Today was a rough day. I walk by the funeral home that we used daily. Most days I don't bat an eye but some days are different. Like today. I feel connected to the place. Blaine's body was only outside of my body at the hospital, the funeral home and the crematorium. I walk by the funeral home and look up at the window, the room where I got to see him. I wish I could go and sit in the room. Even though he's not there anymore. I wonder about his ride to and from the crematorium. I know the funeral home manager picked him up personally but did he ride in the trunk? Did he put him in the backseat or the front seat beside him? Was the radio on? I know these details really don't matter but they are a part of his short short life story. I wish I had all of the details...from the time he left the room in the hospital til the time I picked up his ashes and brought him home. I wish I could track every moment. I miss him today a little more than usual.

I'm sorry to all the BLM's who I've been neglecting. I had cards to mail out to BLM Penpals that didn't get out and I know I missed angelversaries and due dates and I am so sorry. Please know that I still think of you all daily. I just have been really sick and exhausted and haven't even had the energy to take care of my daughter never mind myself.

Days 21 - 25

Day 21 - a recipe…I don't actually use recipes. I like to free style! I will share a good site though… www.allrecipes.com If I am making something for the first time I will usually use this as a guide and then tweak it to make it my own. Cooking is much better and more personal if you just throw caution to the wind! If it tastes good great if not then you know what to change next time.Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss… www.grieveoutloud.org It's one of the first I came across; I have a penpal through it, a wonderful BLM who encouraged me to write and blog. Through that website I found my way to many others which have helped on the journey.Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh. I don't watch many youtube videos unless someone sends me one or posts one. And even then it's usually a music video.Day 24 - where you live … I am blessed to live in Canada!!! Love it, would never move anywhere else. Although I wouldn't mind having a couple of the winter months down south.Day 25 - your day, in great detail … Boring! I get up, get ready for work, get my daughter up and get her ready for daycare, off to work, work, sometimes have lunch with a friend, sometimes with my mom who works in the same building, pick up my daughter from daycare, make dinner, eat dinner, watch some television, get daughter ready for bed, go to bed. Saturdays and Sundays are lazy days. The only commitment we have is my daughters karate class on Saturday morning. And other than that we play it by ear based on the weather. I don't drive so we walk or public transit everywhere so if the weather sucks we are usually at home.

Day 20

A hobby of mine? I guess reading is my number one hobby. I love to read and will read pretty much anything as long as I can follow it. I like books in series like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and the Twilight series. I love the Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings trilogy. One summer a friend and I competed to see who could read the most books while still maintaining a social life and I read a lot of books. I think it worked out to like 3 a week.

I feel like I have so much to write lately but no energy to do it. I am so tired and worn out from being at work all day that when I get home I really just want to lie on the couch and veg. I miss blogging and being more actively involved. With Blaine I felt better at about 12 weeks so I'm hoping it will be the same this time around.

I've been really emotional the past few days maybe just hormones because I know I'm in a good place. But every song I listen to that reminds me of Blaine is making me cry. I sit at my desk listening to my ipod or on the subway and some sappy song will come on and I just tear up. I know I'm not in the darkness anymore so it's probably just hormones and the fact that being pregnant with another baby reminds me of being pregnant with B and how I shouldn't be pregnant right now (although I am so glad I am). Still trying to find a good balance but right now I really don't have energy to do anything.

30 Days - Catching up again

I'm going to skip question 17 because there really is no art piece or sculpture that I really love.

Question 18: my wedding.

my Dad walking me down the aisle

I had a simple but really nice wedding. Hubby wanted to have a big shibang but that's not really my style. And I couldn't justify the money being spent on one day! Plus we already had our daughter so for me getting married was more to complete our family and make it official. It was still nice though and I did everything myself. We got married at city hall and then we went back to our place. We had about 30 people over. I served all different sorts of finger foods and had my friends daughter come over and waitress. Our official drink as a couple is chocolate martini so I made those for everyone. My dad ordered pizza! Which was alright but didn't really go along with the rest of the food. My dress I got retail, my flower bouquets I put together myself with fake flowers from a dollar store. I actually went out and got my hair done because I wanted a very specific do and it was perfect. I spent a lot of time picking out my daughters clothes. I wanted her to look like a princess and she did. My sister was my maid of honour. I made a cd of songs that hubby and I listen to and think of each other. I played it at the reception. We went to a friends cottage for 0ur honeymoon. A couple of days alone in the cottage was so nice. It was the first time we had been away from our daughter for that long. It was fun and relaxing.

this is the ceremony. My daughter cried!

our wedding cakes


Question 19: a talent of mine. I'm a pretty good cook. There's not much I can't make if I really try. I make Italian, Indian, Chinese. And it all tastes pretty good. I'm also a fairly decent writer and I'm very organized when it comes to work. At home, no! But at work everything has it's time and place.

Day 15 and Day 16

I have my original list of questions at work so I took these off of someone else's blog and they're slightly different but the gist is the same.

Day 15: describe your house or dream house: The house I live in right now is actually an apartment. It's alright. Quiet building on a quiet street. Fairly clean, which says a lot for Toronto. My dream house would be a 3 hour drive north of here. My own personal Disney, Kearney. I love the town, the people, the slow movement. I love being by the water and the hills. I love being close to Algonquin Park, walking outside and seeing a chipmunk or a rabbit or even a snake. My father in law has even seen deers and bears right outside his window. One time they were barbequing and a bear decided to come by for dinner. That's how outdoors it is! And while I was raised in the city I am a country girl in my heart. If it were up to me I'd build a big farmhouse, we'd have animals and I'd drive a big pink pickup truck! My kids would milk cows and gather eggs. We'd swim in the lake every summer day and in our indoor pool on the winter ones. No stress, no traffic, no smog, no gangs, no subway cars. Just life at it's finest.

Day 16: a song that makes you cry: "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. I hadn't listened to this song in many years, probably since it was on the radio whenever it is that it came out. But it came into my mind after Blaine and I associate it with him now. I don't cry every time I hear it but sometimes it still makes me weep. Not always with sadness, sometimes with joy. Joy that I didn't miss the dance (holding you I held everything). Joy that I had him, even for a short time (for a moment wasn't I the King). Joy that I am a better person now because of what I have survived (I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end). As much as we don't want to hear it at the time, good things do come out of it. There is a purpose in our tragedy (our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss The Dance.)

Today we are going over to a friends house for a end of baseball season bbq. Yes, I married a jock. I have mixed feelings about this. The wife and I were pregnant at the same time. Her baby is alive. He was born shortly before Blaine's due date. He is unfortunately sick and I know they're having a hard time handling it. My heart goes out to them. I can't imagine caring for a sick child. To not be able to take their pain away. On the other hand though there is a part of me that says "suck it up." He's alive. They got to bring him home. They don't have to wear his ashes in a pendant around their neck. They don't have to explain to their older child that the baby died and sometimes life sucks that way. So, I'm worried about going because while I want to be supportive and be a friend I really don't want to hear any complaining about how hard it is. Yes I know it's difficult taking a child to the doctor and having tests and possible operations and not knowing when they will be better. But it's even harder leaving the hospital empty handed after 31 hours of labour, making cremation arrangements, picking the ashes up, telling everyone you know that you're not pregnant anymore, and then trying and trying to get pregnant again in a desperate attempt to have a living child. Neither situation is fair to a parent but I certainly know which shoe I'd choose.

Happy PILA Day!

Is it appropriate to say "Happy Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day?" lol

Tonight I am lighting a special candle. I have crammed onto this candle as many baby names as I could. I doubt I got all of them because as we all know there are far too many. I'll take some pics and post them tomorrow.

I found today to be harder emotionally than even Blaine's due date was. I actually teared up on the subway for the first time in a long time listening to a song I listen to everyday. Today I am just a little more tender. A little more emotional.

Thanks to everyone who has left me messages on FB and who has done beautiful pics with Blaine's name. I have to update my blog and add them all soon. I still have some names to do that people requested, I didn't forget! I just haven't been feeling well enough to think about it.

For the 30 questions: Question 14 is to name a non fictional book that is more meaningful to you now: I think I would say "Safe In the Arms of God" by John MacArthur; The Bible; "Fearless" by Max Lucado; "3:16" by Max Lucado. Other than Max I really don't read much non fiction. And I'm not one for self help books.

I hope everyone has a peaceful night and remembers to take pics of their candles!! Love you BLM's

30 Days Blitz!!

I think I got the photos backwards but anyways. The top photo is one of me recently. Not too recently, July 3rd. My hubby and I took a trip to Niagara Falls. It was a nice and needed weekend away.

The second photo is not quite ten years, six probably. It's me and my friend Kaili, chilling at a friends house, probably going out that night.

The bottom photo is one of me after Blaine. It is my favourite place in the whole world. Up at Papa's house! I love being up there, no work, no responsibility, relaxation, sleepy days. Can't wait to move up there one day!

Question 12 is something I am ocd about: I wouldn't say I'm normally OCD about anything. On my worst moments I tend to focus on trivial things like whether the fish tank will break and flood the appt or I'll check the balcony door a bunch of times and make sure it's locked. I find I get ocd when I'm losing control of important things in my life. Like when Blaine died. I started to focus on stupid little things that I knew I could control because I knew I couldn't control the important stuff.

Question 13 is a fictional book that is important to me since my loss: The Twilight series. If Renesmee can survive than surely I can have one more living child right?!? lol Seriously, not any really. I reread "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb and had a new appreciation for it but I don't think it's gained any more importance in my life.

Today is Blaine's 6 month angelversary! I thought I'd be more upset, that it would hit me harder. But I actually found myself thinking of all of the good moments I had. The enjoyment I got being pregnant with him. I missed him a little more today but in a good way, not in a fall to my knees "why me" kind of way. I cuddled with his ultrasound photo and fell asleep last night. I realized it was a long time since I had done that. I think the worst of my grief is over. I don't want Blaine's life to be remembered as this horrific moment in time when I thought I'd go mad. I want to focus on everything good that came out of it. I know I will see Blaine again so I just have to hold on to my good thoughts and wait. I'm sure it's not goodbye to all of the tough times completely. But I've realized that I'm strong enough to make it through. Eye on the prize!

Happy Belated Turkey Day!

Alright so I sort of fell behind on the 30 days posts! I will do a blitz sometime and catch myself up. I decided to take the long turkey weekend offline and just relax and sleep and spend time with my family. I've eaten enough turkey and mashed potatoes and stuffing to last me until Christmas at least! And then I went and got chicken for lunch, go figure. My daughter loves turkey and has been eating turkey sandwiches all weekend. I asked her what she wanted for breakfast yesterday morning and she wanted a toasted egg and turkey sandwich! Aren't I the one supposed to be having the weird cravings?
Went to mother in laws on Sunday. I did a visual scan looking for Blaine's memorial card. We gave her a copy. She doesn't have it up in the living room. I'm hoping she has it in her room but all of Abby's pics are in the living room and I think B's footprints should be too. But I wasn't going to say anything. Some people handle things differently.
I'm missing him a lot these past few days. I went to a sub shop today and realized the last time I was there I was pregnant with Blaine. And being pregnant reminds me of being pregnant with Blaine of course. Everything I do I think I've done this before. This time last year I was anticipating when we would start trying for the baby. I had been waiting years. I knew one more month to go and I could start getting pregnant! I was so excited.
I've been so sick and just keep saying to everyone "I better get something out of it this time." Which I know sounds kind of bitter but I mean it. I don't mind going through this physical and mental stress if I get rewarded in the end. I told hubby this is it. This is our last chance for another baby. I can't be one of those women who have like 10 losses. Whether this baby comes home alive with us or not I'm not getting pregnant again. It was a tough decision to make but I think for my mental health it is the best thing I can do.

Day 7 and 8 - Photos

The above is a photo that makes me both happy and sad. It's my answer for Day 7 and Day 8 both. It makes me happy because I have a beautiful family. We were blessed to be able to share this vacation together. My daughter loved Disney and getting all dolled up like a princess! We had a great time at the pool and at the beach. It was our first real family vacation away.

It is sad because it is exactly one week to the day that Blaine was born dead. We already had the trip planned and so we decided to still go. It was a good decision and was much better than sitting at home crying. But someone is missing from this picture. Someone should have been with us. I should not have been able to drink by the pool. I should not have been as comfortable as I was in the car ride down. I should have been buying Blaine a stuffed Mickey for when he finally arrived safe. So, our wonderful family vacation so full of great memories and love is tainted by what should have been.

Day 6

Day 6 - 20 Things that calm you

in no particular order...

a good book
prayer
a massage from hubby
big hugs from Abby
looking at Blaine's things
listening to music
watching movies
taking a walk with a friend and chatting
a good long cry
chocolate
going to the spa
a good meal
good wine
blogging
rubbing my pendant between my fingers

and that's all I can think of right now. 20 is a lot!

Day 5 of 30 Days of Questions

Day 5 - your favorite quote...my all time favourite quote was always this "life is only given to me once and I shall never have it again, I don't want to wait for the happiness of all, I want to live myself or else better not live at all." from Fyodor Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. I even wrote it as my quote in my high school yearbook. Since B I've also became a fan of the following:

"there is no footprint so small that it cannot leave an impact on this world" not sure who said this

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" Luke 12:34, I just read this one today. A dear friend at work gave me a beautiful card with this on the cover.

and many others, too many to mention.

I wanted to let everyone know I have been reading your blogs everyday still. I just don't have the energy at home to leave comments. Sorry :( I'm being a bad blogger friend but once I feel better, i.e. not nauseaus and exhausted, I will be back!

30 Questions in 30 Days

I am stealing this from several other people!! And I'm four days behind so I will do the first four questions now to get caught up

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why...Easy, "In My Bones" and "The Dance" and "Yellow" remind me of Blaine (plus about a hundred more!). There are none that I can't listen to.

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss...none that I can think of. I watch a lot of movies and it was never an issue. I can think of one that disturbed me before B and I can't imagine watching ever again "Revolutionary Road."

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you... I have become a big fan of silly shows like "wipeout" and "glee" Shows where you don't have to think. I can no longer watch anything too serious or with a lot of blood and guts, sorry no more "Law and Order" :(

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?...I don't really have a favourite and that hasn't changed. I like a lot of books, "The Chronicles of Narnia," "The Lord of the Rings," "Twilight." I seem to favour series rather than books that are just a one off.

Dove Release

Today we attended a dove release organized by PBSO. They are a bereavement group that hubby and I attend twice a month. I have really enjoyed going to this group and the other parents are very supportive and kind. Hubby and I were joined by Big Sis, Grandma (my mom) and one of my good friends who is also my daughter's Godmother and would have been one of Blaine's "Aunties." It was a really sweet event. We walked through the graveyard, quite a walk actually since we didn't really know where we were going. We joined with the group and then we all walked to the Children's Memorial Garden. The background of this garden is heartbreaking and makes me all the more fortunate to have had my miracle reunion with Blaine's body. Back around 40 - 60 years ago, maybe longer, hospitals would take the babies that died and bury them all in the same spot in this graveyard. The graves are unmarked and the hospitals didn't keep records. So, they're not quite sure how many babies are there or who they belong to. One woman, 45 years ago, lost her preemie son. He lived for 4 days. She was not allowed to see him or hold him. When he died the doctors told her he would be buried in a coffin with a woman who had just died. Can you imagine? She was obviously upset about this and didn't give up. She found out the truth, that her son has been buried somewhere in this plot with all of these other babies. So, she set out on a mission of her own. She created the garden in memory of all of these lost children. It's very sad and you really feel as you walk towards it that you are somewhere sacred. I can't imagine living back then. When the doctors decided when or if you'd see your child, where your child would be buried and whether or not they told you the truth. It's really disgusting but I understand it was a different time and different mentality. I just know how it feels to not know where your child's body is. And it almost drove me mad. I read a poem at the release and only cried a little! I read the poem from Blaine's memorial card. My daughter stood beside me and she left a teddy bear in the garden, she said "we're leaving it for Blaine." I met a fellow BLM there who I only know on FB. And most of our support group was there. So, it was a comfortable place to be. Afterwards we went and visited my maternal grandparents who are buried at the cemetary. No one has visited them in 23 years so we couldn't even find the plaque it was covered in grass. But hubby found it and unearthed it. We agreed to come back in the spring and clean it up and bring flowers. I don't know where my grandparents souls are but I really hope they're with Blaine.
It was a good peaceful day and I liked spending it focused on him. I do feel like I neglected the little bean inside me though. I walked way too much and haven't eaten much today so I have to spend tonight on her (I've decided I'm having a girl, I knew at about this time with Abby and Blaine too so I'm sure I'm right). I'm still deciding how much of the bean to discuss on here. I want to keep this Blaine's place. His "blogshrine." But I can't deny the fact that much of my thoughts and feelings about this pregnancy stem from losing Blaine. I also want to be sensitive to people reading this. But I can't write for a reader, I have to write for myself. So, I will have to figure it out as I go along.
Thank you to Jill for giving me the One Lovely Blog Award!! I'm deciding whether this entitles me to choose ten more!!

A Good Laugh

I have been assured by my Korean coworker that signs like these actually exist in Korea and Japan!! No offense intended to anyone but these are hilarious! You would think a tourist would mention it. There is no real point to this blog but these photos made me laugh so hard I cried and we can all use that once in awhile so please escape with me for a minute and enjoy...

Request

Today's blog is really a request. I'm doing a new feature for Dead Baby Club and need some help. Every month we are featuring a blog and a certain topic. This month it's multiple loss and we are featuring Jessica's blog. This is just the second month and I've done them both but don't have all the ideas!! Next month's feature is TTC After Loss. If you know of any blogs that deal with this topic on a regular basis then please make some suggestions. And make sure you check out this month if you haven't already.