Life Here

Life is pretty good here.  I have two living children who are currently snuggled up napping on the couch together.  They are so in love.  Yet...

I have just cleaned my bedroom and inevitably ended up reorganizing Blaine's things and cleaning them as well.  I miss him.  I miss what could have been.  It's not even really "missing" because I didn't know Blaine.  Let's be honest.  For all I know Blaine could have grown up to be a real jerk.  He was a baby in the womb.  He didn't do anything that I can "miss."  So, I guess that's not the word.  "Long."  I long for the little kicks and punches I felt so early on.  I wish.  I wish I had a lifetime of memories to miss.  It's hard to explain to someone who has never "lost" a pregnancy.  All of the things you thought would be your life for the next 60 years are gone.

I'm not unusually sad or depressed today.  I'm just thinking of him a lot.  It's just one of those days that I still have every once in awhile where I have to revisit that time.  That time when grief was fresh and new.

My sad little attempt at doing something creative!  lol  Couldn't find a "perfect" background.

Thankful for the Small Things

Psalm 104: 27,28

*All creatures look to you to give them their food at the proper time. When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things.*

I wanted to write a quick post and link up with Fran's "Small Miracles" from Small Bird Studio. 



What are the small things in life that bring me joy?  That make life worth living? 

If I took this to the very smallest of things in my life I would say coffee!  I am thankful for coffee, some mornings I wake up and it's the very first thing I think of.  I can taste it and smell it before I've brewed it or bought it. 

Thinking bigger.  Abby and Caleb and Hubby.  I am so so thankful for my little living family.  The family that I get to love and enjoy everyday.  When I think of Abby I am most thankful for her laugh and for her sweet heart.  She has such an infectious laugh.  You can't hear it and not laugh along with her.  It is loud and girly and demands attention.  C, his kisses and hugs.  They are normally messy and violent.  He grabs my face with both hands and pulls me to him, smashes his lips against me and smooshes them all around.  He makes a sound like "mum mum mum," as if he's trying to eat my face.  I could sit and kiss this kid for hours.  Hubby, watching him take care of us, especially when he does things I know he hates like change diapers or sweep the floor.  I know he is doing it to make things easier for me.  You know what's sexy?  A man doing housework and taking care of kids!  There are so many small things I am thankful for each day and I honestly try to make an attempt to notice them and thank God for them.  I read this poster that said "What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"  With that in mind I try never to go to bed without giving God his glory and letting him know what I appreciate in my life.  I even try to include Blaine in each prayer of gratitude.  Thankful to God for giving him to me and for the lessons that came with his short life and death. 

Those are my small moments.  This is our day to day life.  Kisses and laughter and dirty dishes.

Merry Christmas

A couple of days late.  I've been catching up today on the blogs I follow.  I'm glad to hear there were lots of peaceful and joy filled Christmases out there.    Sad to hear of so many families still without a rainbow, or worse, missing multiple children this year.

Here is a photo of a candle that my friend Dana lit in memory of Blaine....and below it a poem I came across

We had a pretty good Christmas.  It was a very toned down year.  I didn't go out and spend the money I usually spend.  I've decided I don't want to make Christmas a time of excess for the kids.  I want them to learn the true meaning of giving not getting.  And I want to create family traditions outside of just opening presents.  This year was a good start and no one seemed to care that I didn't spend thousands on presents...yes, I usually spend that much on presents.  Here is a photo of me and the kids...

Happy New Year to all!  I hope 2012 brings more joy, more love, more peace, more memories.

Then and Now

The Dream. 

Last year I was dreaming about two boys.  This year I am blessed enough to be holding one, loving one, nursing one, teaching one.

I remember how anxious I was about Caleb, would he make it?  I wish I could go back and reassure pregnant me that he would.  Tell her to enjoy it.  Looking back at how nervous I was I know I missed important things.  I remember the anxiety more than I remember the joy.  I do remember the kicks and nudges.  How he'd let me know he was still there, still moving and breathing.  He is truly a Momma's boy.  He may be one of the few men I've ever met that "gets me." 
I never let a day go by without thanking God for these babies of mine.  All of them.  A, B, and C. 

Sharing Photos

Here are some photos of us ... my girl, the Red Queen, the three of us, me as a Milkmaid for a party I went to ...

Remembering

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel (s)?

I have an older child and a rainbow.  They see Blaine's name all over the house.  They attend baby loss events.  They are free to talk about him and hear us talk about him.  My daughter has some of his name photos in her scrapbook.  She knows what my pendant necklace is.  I don't hide anything from them because I want him to be a part of their lives and I want them to grow up knowing what loss is like and what normal grief looks like or I guess, how normal grief is.

Update on CarSeat Law! And Days 8 & 9

As I said Friday I immediately emailed our Ministry of Transportation re: the carseat in taxis law or lack thereof.  They responded and I was actually right.  So, I'm correcting my correction!  It is legal for a taxi cab operator to drive children in the car without a carseat but it is not legal for the adult with the child to not have a carseat.  The onus is on the caregiver/parent.

"The driver of a taxicab while transporting a passenger for hire is
exempt from having to provide a child safety seat.
Those using the service of a taxi cab are NOT exempt from using a child
safety seat. It is the caregivers responsibility to ensure the child is
properly secured.
We thank you for your inquiry and encourage you to contact us in the
future as we continually strive to improve our service to our customers."

So, what do I do?  Take photos of the parents and send them to child services? 

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

Yes.  For the first few months it was the opposite but now I am definitely happier than I was and although I have random moments of sadness throughout the day I am never overwhelmed by it.

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

My daughter seems more sensitive now, she is more interested in babies, she talks a lot about death and Heaven and God, she always points out when we pass a cemetary, she knows the names of my BLM's children.  I think it has affected her in a positive way.  She knows the world can be a sad place and she knows sometimes life cannot be about her.  I know when she is a woman if tragedy were to strike her or her friend or family member, she will be the one who knows what to say and do. 

Day 1 - 4

I am coming to this a couple of days late so I'll do 4 days today.  I've decided to be lazy, if the question is already something I've discussed on the blog then I'm just going to refer to that post.  Well it isn't just laziness but I thought it would be interesting, especially if the posts were several months apart.
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.

Who Am I - July 21 2010
I Am - Oct 2 2011

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

Abby, my princess, my diva, my twin soul.  She has all of my good traits and just a couple of my bad.  She never ceases to amaze me with her brilliance. 
Blaine, my first born son, my lost one.  I know how I picture him and I imagine everyday what he is doing.
Caleb, the new kid on the block, my second son, my rainbow.  He knew when to kick and punch to ease my anxiety and now he fills my days with smiles, giggles and hugs.

My ABC's. 


Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"

My husband, my daughter and the those of us in this sad world of mourning mothers (and fathers).

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

I feel like I could give this the same answer as Day 3.  Husband, daughter, BLM's.  All true.  I think what keeps me going somedays though is my faith in God and Heaven.  My belief that Heaven is a real place and that Blaine is there.  "He will not come to me but I will go to him." 

Anniversaries

One year ago yesterday I peed on a stick and officially welcomed Caleb into our family.  It was a bittersweet night.  Knowing that the next day, one year ago today, September 18th was Blaine's expectant due date.  My boys.  In front of me sits one, in his bumbo chair, playing with his big sister.  And around my neck is my first son.  Ashes in a pendant.  It hardly seems fair but like the song goes "you can't have one without the other."  And I am finally okay with that.

Questions

Because I am hooked on this blog now, I find so much inspiration from Angie at Still Life. She had several questions about living children in her post today and offered it up to readers to reply to the questions on their own blog or in the comment section. I've just taken two of the questions which I feel pertain to me.


My question, something that's been troubling me since my son was stillborn last year, is how will I explain this to any future children we're lucky enough to have? I know you have young kids, so I'm wondering how do you explain Lucy's death to them? Drew was our first, so I'm just wondering how I will explain this to any brothers and sisters he may have.

After Blaine died we initially told Abby that the baby would just take longer to get here. I was worried that it would be too scary for her to hear about death. Kids don't really understand time or pregnancy so she bought it. We said, instead of him coming in SK he would come in grade one. This was fine for her but not for me. I couldn't grieve in front of her, I couldn't cry, couldn't talk about him. I realized that if we did this then she would only ever know the next baby. She would never know the baby that died. Blaine would never exist to her. Also, what would we do with the things that have his name on them? She would eventually say "who is Blaine?" And then we'd have to admit to lying. After a good long long talk with a wonderful woman named Cindy from a bereavement group I decided it was best to tell her. We did and she took it fine. She was 5 at the time and most 5 yr olds have a remarkable ability to just see things as is. She didn't cry she just said "I'll see him when I go to Heaven." End of discussion. Now, she talks about him all the time, blows bubbles up to him and wishes he could come visit. She doesn't seem scarred by it or upset at all. It is just a part of our life. Even though Caleb is only 13 weeks I have already talked to him about his big bro. He will grow up attending baby loss events, he will hear us talk about Blaine and he'll see Blaine's name everywhere around the house. I don't believe in sugar coating things. I tell Abby the age appropriate truth when she asks me a question. I'll do the same with Caleb.

Do you ever wonder how your life would be different or your grieving would be different if you did not have your little boy? How do you think your pregnancy or more so your birth and alive baby after your loss help you heal or do you think it did help you heal if even in a small way? Do you ever feel like you want another baby because there will always be one missing?

If I didn't have Abby when I lost Blaine I might have killed myself.
After Blaine I desperately wanted to be pregnant again. I waited one month to have a regular period and then we were off. I was one of the lucky ones who managed to get pregnant within four months. Having Caleb now makes the grief different. It is healing but it also brings up some very strange emotions and questions about life and death. Like why him and not the other one? I am loving and adoring a little man that wouldn't be here if not for death. In many ways he has healed us, as one of my friend's said "if he doesn't heal some broken hearts I don't know what will." I have to believe that there is a reason for this. That Blaine left so Caleb could be here. I still miss Blaine and the endless possibilities of what could have been. But now I have Caleb and although my dreams for Caleb are different I have a future to look forward to again.

The Other

I was talking to hubby last night about how we really should be planning a one year old's birthday party right now. Blaine was due Sept 18th 2010. If he were anything like his monkey brother he might have come Sept 19th. That's a Monday this year, we would have the family over that day, nothing big, a cake for him to smash up and make a mess with, some presents, balloons, pizza, that kind of thing. And then I realized, something we've both been thinking of for the past 11 weeks...there would be no Caleb. We can't have both. If Blaine were with us, Caleb would not be. In order to have Caleb, Blaine has to be dead. I think it would be easier sometimes not to believe in souls. To believe that any baby is any baby. There is no "Blaine" just a dead baby and then we got another baby. But that's not what I believe. I believe that little lost boy had his own soul and would have been his own man and have his own personality. He's gone and now there's another little man here, completely different. I love Caleb with every fibre of my being. So, this is the toughest part for me. I don't feel guilty for loving Caleb as much as I do. I just feel strange. That I get to love this little monkey because my son died. I don't know what to do with that. Hubby says Blaine died so we could have Caleb. I said, maybe Caleb has something important to do in this world, cure a disease or something. So, Blaine had to go for Caleb to be born to us so that he could do what he has to do. The morbid thoughts and rationalization of babylost parents. Anyone out there reading this? Have you had a rainbow? How do you deal with this realization?

Untitled

I've been having a really hard time writing this week. I've got a swirl of emotions around me but I can't sit down and type. I think I've taken a thousand pics of Caleb. I still can't believe he's real or that this will last. I've had to take a break from reading a lot of blogs because everytime I see a picture of a dead baby I see his face. He looks up at me and he smiles this big smile ear to ear and I know if anything happens to this boy I will follow him. Even more than it was with Abby my life is now connected to his. Talk about putting a lot of pressure on your son. I just hope I can get past this before he's old enough to wonder why his mother is so crazy for him. I'm really really trying to focus on all of the positive and not live in fear. Breastfeeding is going very very well, he is a great eater and latches like a champ. Abby is off school and we are having a great time. Took some field trips last week with her karate camp. It's such a joy to watch her play and she gets off a ride and yells "that was awesome!" She is awesome! I am blessed to have two beautiful kids here with me. I just have to relax and enjoy it instead of worrying that each moment may be the last.
Abby has been talking about death a lot more since my parents dog died a couple of weeks ago and a police officer was killed at that sametime and it was all over the news. She has been comfortable with the topic since we explained Blaine's death but now I wonder if she's a little too comfortable with it. She has this image that all of these dead people and animals are just up there in Heaven playing ball together. The police officer is there with Blaine and Suzy (the dog). Oh and Tuna our dead piranha! Apparently in Heaven fish can catch. I love that she groups everyone together but I worry about it. Yes, I know, I worry about everything.

A Mother Torn in Two

I just found this on the Kota Loss and Compassion site... this is it...

No Choice
by Wendy Plumley

My eyes are swollen
beyond capacity
from unshed tears.
My heart is numb
and I am broken
from one
too many blows.


I refuse the pain,
and therefore
dare not cry,
lest I dissipate
in the salty torrent
of anguish,
without hope of
ever resurfacing.


Gasping for air,
I must fight
the towering
waves of grief
that threaten
to engulf me.
For once so lost
it is impossible
to return.


No cut
or wound
could hurt
more deeply
than this
devastating
loss.


So understand
I do not cry,
because she needs me.
My body will cling
to a precarious sanity
and remain,
though my soul
has long fled
this treacherous world
because I need him.


A mother, torn in two.


In the author's words
The above poem was written for a mother who struggles to remain in this world for her young daughter, whilst all the time dreadfully missing her son.

30 Days - Question 3

A picture of you and your friends

I don't really have a good one on the computer but here is a picture of me and hubby, who is my best friend. This was at our wedding.

In Caleb news, little monkey man is doing quite well. He is such a good baby, doesn't whine or cry for no reason. He has lots of awake time where he looks around and makes baby sounds at us. He is a total boob machine and loves to eat. We are still working out cosleeping. We are trying to balance having him spend sometime in the bed with us and sometime on his own. Breastfeeding is going well but it is exhausting and I'm really sore. Sissy is loving him so much. She is such a big help and gives him his vitamin D everyday, as his nurse. She fetches diapers and wipes and washclothes and blankies. She holds doors open and gets his soother ("Winnie") for him when he needs it. She tells him about 50 times a day how cute he is and that she loves him. I am so happy right now just watching him blossom and watching her delight in everything he does.

Big Love, if you read this please email me with your email address...I still can't comment on blogs but I have some reading suggestions for you on your question of attachement parenting.

Good Grief

I finally have Blaine back. My chain had broken while I was in labour, just the clasp, and I had to get it replaced. I finally picked it up from the jeweller today and Blaine is back on my chest, not quite "where he belongs" but as close as I get. I resisted the urge to tell the jeweller all about it and what it means to me. He's an acquaintance of hubby's and I didn't want to freak him out by telling him I carry my son's ashes around my neck everyday. If he were a stranger I probably would have. It is now fixed and apparently this is quite a good clasp and I should have a problem with it again. The other clasp literally just fell apart when I undid the necklace while I was in labour. Weird.

I'm still in a pretty good place. I've had a couple of moments over the past few days where I've teared up thinking of B. They are normal thoughts though and normal longings. I don't feel like I'm in a dark place. For the most part I am happy. My little rainbow monkey is thriving. I got a really nice gift in the mail from Bailey's Momma, Danae. She knit him a blankie and sent him a shirt that says "Little Brother" on it. And a nice card saying how proud Blaine would be of his little brother and how he's watching over him. I like to think so. That Blaine is Abby and Caleb's personal angel. With them always. We were at the park on Sunday and Abby did another one of her phenomenally amazing things. She was blowing bubbles and she told the bubbles to fly up and say hi to Blaine for her. God, how I love this kid. We are going to a butterfly release on Sunday with the local bereavement group hubby and I attended last year. Abby is really excited to send butterflies up to her brother. I told her she can whisper a message to the butterfly and he will fly up and give Blaine the message.

I feel like the worst commenter right now but it's not my fault, I swear!! I am reading everyone's blogs but unless there is a separate pop up window for comments I can't comment. Don't know why. But I'm here and reading in case you're wondering.

My Sweet Girl

My Abby did the sweetest, most touching, best big sister ever, thing today! She picked one of those weeds, the furry type that you blow on and make a wish. She picked it and I said "now you have to make a wish" and so she took a deep breath and says "I wish Blaine could come back." My heart broke in so many ways, overwhelmed with love for her and sadness that she would ever have to make a wish like that. Thankfully she is almost 100% recovered from our incident yesterday. Her arm is still a little sore but other than that she has bounced back. Kids are so resilient. If someone asks about her arm she just says "a crazy lady threw me." I'm afraid it will take me a bit longer to get over what happened. I just can't get over the image of my little girl's body being tossed to the ground right in front of me. I keep thinking of all of the things that could have happened and thank God they didn't. It's sad to me that I have to be so vigilant just walking down the street from getting a donut. It's not like we live in "the ghetto." We live in a fairly clean part of town, as far as big city areas go. I guess these types of people can be anywhere though. And my husband says it's so random and so unlikely to happen that it will most likely not happen again. You don't get struck by lightning twice right? We lose our child at 17 weeks and 3 days for no apparent reason, a rarity, I think it's 1% of the population that this happens to. My daughter is randomly attacked, another rarity. So, why haven't we won the lottery yet? How come the only rare things that happen to us are the bad ones? Well I guess that's not completely true but sometimes it feels that way.
In Caleb news, there is no news. I have symptoms on and off of approaching labour. STILL NOTHING substantial though. I wish I weren't so impatient. I'm trying to enjoy this time with him and I will miss all of his movements and playtimes in my belly.

Anxiety and Lunch

Today Abby had a field trip with her school. It brought up a big memory for me. Last year her field trip was on April 13th. So, while we were having Blaine at the hospital Grandma was getting her ready for a trip to the science centre. Getting up with her this morning brought up those memories. And then I felt a little, okay a lot, of anxiety leaving her at the school and coming home by myself. The anxiety passed quickly but it made me think of Blaine all morning. How much I miss him and how much we've missed out on.
Had lunch with another preggo BLM today. It's strange I never really thought of her as a BLM and it didn't even really kick in until after we had left each other. I realized I had mentioned Blaine several times and not mentioned her baby. I felt really bad so I sent her a FB message to let her know I was sorry and if she ever wanted to talk about it I was here. I was just a little self absorbed at lunch because it was nice to have another preggo woman I could comfortably talk to about everything, well not everything cause I don't want her to think I'm psycho but most things. This is someone I know IRL and doesn't have anything to do with the community on here. We've never actually talked about my loss or her loss before. It just came up because we were talking about babies and pregnancy. I'm hoping I didn't upset her or offend her. After all this time in dead baby land it's still hard to gauge what to do and say. Some people handle things so so so differently.
Still no news on the Caleb front. Abby has given him the 23rd as a deadline. lol. She says I should go into labour no later than Sunday and he has to be born by the 23rd. No idea why this date is significant to her but this is what her beautiful 6 year old mind has decided. Personally, I'm ready right now!

Living on a Prayer

"we're halfway there oh oh living on a prayer take my hand we'll make it I swear oh oh living on a prayer" "you live for the fight when that's all that you got"

Okay cheesy song I know I know. I keep hearing it though. It's become my mantra for the remainder of this pregnancy. Caleb and I are living on a prayer. We're going to make it. He seems to like it too. I put it on and he danced around. Of course, that could have been the ice cream sandwich I just ate but either way he's moving! Mom's content for another few hours.

I have pretty much decided how I want my labour to go. Who is going to be there and my perfect scenario. We don't always get what we want so who knows what will actually happen. I do know that I have the perfect midwife. She's almost 6 years old and will most likely bring her stuffed bunny with her for moral support. Abby insists that she will be there. She says she will help me through it by holding my hand, pushing down on my stomach to "pop" the baby out, and she insists on cutting the umbilical cord. She now comes to all my dr appt with me. She has decided she wants to be a dr when she grows up. I had to get an swab test done "down there" last time and she was right there looking, no fear or squimishness, just pure curiousity. My mom will be there to look after her if that changes once she seems me screaming in pain.
And of course hubby will be by my (our) side. When I delivered Abby I used him as a punching bag so I'm a little nervous for him! With Abby and with Blaine my labours were long (21 and 31 hours) and he was by my side for most of that time, pacing, pacing, pacing. A little annoying but I guess that's what Daddies do. I can't wait to see him hold his boy for the first time. And then he's all mine! I don't plan on putting him down until he gets married! We're going to try to go naturally, no pain meds, no interventions. Hopefully hubby won't leave the hospital with too many bruises.
Now we are just playing the waiting game. I am full term as of today. Is it wrong to give your child an eviction notice? Hey Caleb, you have one week to vacate my womb!! `

Life Lessons

I have learnt so many things this past year. Namely the following, in no particular order, please bare with the obvious sarcasm in some points.

1. Your body has an endless supply of tears and snot.

2. Strangers are sometimes the kindest friends.

3. It is possible to feel an immense amount of joy and an immense amount of pain at the exact same moment.

4. I can survive, the question has always been more like "do I want to?"

5. It is possible to love a human being so small they can fit in the palm of your hand.

6. Logic cannot exist in the same moment as grief.

7. The approximate time for others to grieve and move past the death of your child is one week. After that you are on your own.

8. God is good and loving, even when you hate him.

9. Guilt is a disease and needs to be treated like one.

10. You will feel an immense amount of pride and love at the simplest of things, like seeing your child's name written out by a stranger. (see point 2)

11. There are few things better in life than receiving "Blaine Mail." It never even makes it to the elevator before it's ripped open.

12. My husband has endless amounts of patience and doesn't mind if his shirts are soaked in tears.

13. My daughter is a one of the kindest souls I have ever known.

14. Having post partum depression but no baby at home isn't worth it.

15. There are far far too many dead babies in the world.

That's what I can think of for now. Of course, I have learnt so much about human behaviour and about myself. I've always been very observant of people and can always read people within minutes of meeting them. The one thing that has surprised me throughout this journey is the true sisterhood of the BLM. I've always been very skeptical of the internet and people who find friendships and love online. That all changed when I started looking for answers back in May 2010. The internet really became my go to guide on loss and healing. I guess the number one thing I learnt this year is that angels exist where you least expect them and God truly does work in mysterious ways.

This weekend we went to GWL for a little family fun. This is me with my 33 week belly! I love that the sunflowers were in the background. It's a pic of me with both my boys! We had a great time and it definitely took some stress and pressure off of this coming Wednesday. Just being able to watch Abby laugh and have fun was worth every penny we spent and goes such a long way in keeping my mind on the positive. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her, or without the hubby I have. Any other man may have left me by now! My daughter is a rock for me, even though she's totally unaware. I hope one day she knows how just her mere presence in my life has saved me from so much darkness.