Life Here

Life is pretty good here.  I have two living children who are currently snuggled up napping on the couch together.  They are so in love.  Yet...

I have just cleaned my bedroom and inevitably ended up reorganizing Blaine's things and cleaning them as well.  I miss him.  I miss what could have been.  It's not even really "missing" because I didn't know Blaine.  Let's be honest.  For all I know Blaine could have grown up to be a real jerk.  He was a baby in the womb.  He didn't do anything that I can "miss."  So, I guess that's not the word.  "Long."  I long for the little kicks and punches I felt so early on.  I wish.  I wish I had a lifetime of memories to miss.  It's hard to explain to someone who has never "lost" a pregnancy.  All of the things you thought would be your life for the next 60 years are gone.

I'm not unusually sad or depressed today.  I'm just thinking of him a lot.  It's just one of those days that I still have every once in awhile where I have to revisit that time.  That time when grief was fresh and new.

My sad little attempt at doing something creative!  lol  Couldn't find a "perfect" background.

Blaine is Still With Us

I thought I'd just quickly check my email.  I never check my email when I'm at my parents house but it had been a couple of days, I just had my coffee and Abby was playing contentedly.  A quick email check.  I opened my email and the first one I noticed was from a name I didn't recognize and the subject line was simply "Blaine."  I figured it was another BLM who was sending me a surprise name photo.  I opened it and started to read and then 5 little words popped out at me "Blaine is still with us."  I reread that line over and over.  How can this be?
Backtrack for those of you who have not read our story.  When Blaine was born we walked away without him.  Because of baby killing laws in my country you don't have to make funeral arrangements for babies born under 20 weeks.  With me being in shock I had no idea what to do so we just left him at the hospital.  I regretted this decision immediately.  I spent the next few months desperate.  What happened to him?  Where was his body?  Every time I looked at the smoke stack that sticks up from the hospital I wondered if he had been burned with the medical waste.
I got in touch with a woman named Cyndi from a local bereavement group.  She did her best to try to get me any information, an u/s photo, photo of his body, anything.  And then, like manna from Heaven, my own personal miracle came in the form of an email, from a nurse at the hospital.  Forget the parting of the red seas, this was bigger than walking on water or turning water into wine.  For an "unexplained" reason Blaine had been embalmed in a jar in the lab at the hospital and then forgotten about.  4 months later he was still there.  Yes, if you were wondering, babies under 20 weeks who are not taken home are disposed of with the medical waste.  Not at the hospital, they are taken off site.  I found this out after I had him back.  This unfortunately happened to a family I met in the bereavement group.  But Blaine had been "missed."
These 5 words probably saved my sanity.  I have no idea where I would be mentally right now if I had found out he had been disposed of with someone's infected liver.  I have to credit Cyndi who worked so hard to help me and then Shelly at the hospital who found him and contacted me.  The funeral home was amazing, so caring and compassionate.  I had to make all of the arrangements myself, the funeral home manager was the one who came with me and stood beside me as I viewed Blaine's little body in his beautiful white casket.
My husband, Cyndi, Shelly and the funeral home manager all tried to figure out why Blaine was still there.  Not that any of us were complaining but what happened?  I didn't care.  I, like Tebow, am not afraid to bend a knee.  I know whose work this was.  God kept Blaine there at the hospital until I was ready to meet him.  He knew his plans for me, not to hurt me but to make me prosper.  (Jeremiah 29:11)  He knew as I stood looking at the little body that seemed to have just fallen from my womb that one day I would need this.  That one day returning my son to me would return his daughter to Him.

Lil Angel Hankie

I just got this in the mail today!  I totally forgot that I requested it, can't even remember when I did.

It's this great group called "Little Angel Hankies"

It is so beautiful.  They are hand stitched and made by request for free for baby loss parents.  I am a huge fan of theirs.

My favourite part of the included poem is

"I love him as much as I love my new son
He made me a Mommy, though his time was cut short."
by Tricia Pyatt, who does the hankies.

For free!!!  If you know me you know I loathe anything that profits off of our loss.  This is an incredible gift for parents but of course donations are welcome since this is all being done by hand and mailed.

I love it, love it, love it!!

Right Where I Am, 2 years, 1 month, 13 days

I have been going back and forth about linking up with Angie @ Still Life With Circles for this year's Right Where I Am linkey doodle.  Here is my post from last year.  I just couldn't decide if I had it in me.

Where am I...a pretty good place.  I think, as good as it's going to get.

Most days I don't have the slightest inkling of depression, guilt or regret.  Some would chalk that up to having had another child.  I am one of the lucky ones who got pregnant again quickly and successfully.  Personally, I don't think that's it though.  I made a decision to feel better.  I make a decision everyday not to grieve anymore.  Many will tell you that you will never stop grieving for your child, that everyday you will feel the loss.  That's only true if you let it be your truth.  For me, that wasn't acceptable.  I have two living children who need a complete mother.  So, I decided months ago that that's what I would be.  That's one of the reasons I don't come on here as much anymore.  It isn't because I don't think of B or of the friends I met.  It's because if you surround yourself with sadness you will be sad.  If you surround yourself with loss you will feel lost.  Mind over matter.

So here I am, two years, one month and 13 days later.  I have my moments.  Just had one an hour ago.  Today I've been reliving a good birth experience.  Tomorrow is Caleb's first birthday.  So, all day today I've been thinking of his birth.  Then an hour ago, I flashed back to Blaine's.  How different it was.  I cried.  I felt that surge of guilt and shame.  But I recovered.  I pushed the negative thoughts out of my head.  That's an ability I didn't have last year.  Last year and the year before I couldn't for the life of me will myself better.  But now I can.  Mind over matter.

This is right where I am,  the Mother to three beautiful babies.  Two who walk with me and one who soars above me.  But not forever.  I don't need to "grieve" because I've "lost" Blaine.  I haven't.  He may soar above me now but it's not forever.  Someone has promised me something and I know he keeps his promises.  He's promised me that there will be a reunion.  And while I'm not the most patient person and I do find it very difficult to wait for something that I really really want, I will keep this in mind...earthly pain is temporary, children are not lost to those who are found.

Happy Resurrection Day!!

This is the day.  The epitome of our faith.  If we didn't have today we would be like every other religion.  Because of today we grieve but it is not a hopeless grief.  I do not need to wonder where Blaine is or what happened to him when his heart stopped.  Because of today I know.  Because of today I will hold him and love him and hear him call me Momma. 

He is risen, He is risen!! 

Abby and I were talking about Heaven today and what we think is being done up there to prepare for our arrival.  We both agreed that Blaine must be very skilled at something.  Maybe he's a great painter or carpenter or landscaper.  That's why he was needed so soon, why he didn't have time for an earthly stopover.  Abby says he's probably getting the pool ready at our house! 

So Happy Resurrection Day to all of you.  Even though your babies are not in your arms I hope you take comfort in knowing that they will be one day.

From Jesus' Burial by Max Lucado

But then, Sunday arrives. And with Sunday comes light—a light within the tomb. A bright light? A soft light? Flashing? Hovering? We don’t know. But there was a light. For he is the light. And with the light came life. Just as the darkness was banished, now the decay is reversed. Heaven blows and Jesus breathes. His chest expands. Waxy lips open. Wooden fingers lift. Heart valves swish and hinged joints bend.


And, as we envision the moment, we stand in awe.


We stand in awe not just because of what we see, but because of what we know… We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us” (Rom. 6:5–9 MSG).

Birthday Celebrations

"If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore."  It Will Rain by Bruno Mars

It's starting again.  The time when I can't hear or see anything that doesn't remind me of Blaine.  Two weeks from this Friday and we will be at 2 years.  2 years.  I remember how slow that first year went.  I thought life would never move on, that I would be stuck there forever.  The second year has moved much faster.  And I have had so much joy and happiness in it.  I still cry but not everyday.  I still wonder why.  I haven't had any moments of rage lately.  Today sort of but it was fleeting.  It's hard to be sad around Caleb.  I started crying today listening to this song and to another but Caleb immediately came over and smothered me with kisses.  I am healed in so many ways. 

We are going back to Florida for another family vacation soon.  The same vacation we had planned when I was pregnant with Blaine, the one we left for three days after.  Driving the same roads, staying at the same resort, shopping and eating at the same places.  A lot about that trip is a blur to me.  I look at the photos and I think I faked a smile pretty well.   I do remember certain things very vividly.  Mostly the sad moments.  I remember the bathroom stall at the pool that I used to go and cry in.  I remember sucking in my gut when I ordered a pina colado so that no one would think I was pregnant.  I remember how bad the cramps got while we were shopping, so bad I thought I was hemorraging.  I remember driving there and making a mental note of all the hospital signs we saw just in case something else happened.  What I remember the most was the sense that I had forgotten something.  When I packed, unpacked, when I walked into a room, when we drove somewhere.  I kept thinking to myself "what did I forget?" 
I have to admit, I'm incredibly nervous to go back.  I really didn't want to but hubby insisted on this vacation spot.  I'm afraid I'm going to be miserable going back there.  I was talking to my friend on the phone the other night and she said that she thought it would be good.  That I would be going back and creating good memories to replace the old.  I'm trying to look at it from that perspective.  I'm really scared though that it's just going to be another week of faking it.  Faking smiles to cover the fact that I am nauseaus and sad and angry.  Plus, we're going with my mom, my sister and law and her two kids.  Talk about stress! 

And then there's Blaine's birthday to contend with.  Obviously I will want to do something.  But what?  And how am I going to feel that day?  It's hard enough to plan a living child's birthday party! 
If you have read this far then you are a true friend!  lol   The problem with taking a break is that when you do write you have a lot to say! 

A Baby's Secret

I’m just a little fellow
Who didn’t quite make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
... But I’m waiting for you here.
Don’t you fret about me mommy
I’m of all God’s lambs, most blessed
I’d have loved to stay there with you
But the shepherd knows what’s best.


Many dwellings here where I live
waited years to enter in
Struggled through a world of sorrow
and their lives were marred with sin.


So sweet mommy don’t you sorrow
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom
I went straight to Jesus’ bosom
from my lovely mother’s womb.
Thank you for the name you gave me
I’d have loved to brought it fame
But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows
I’d might instead have brought it shame.

Daddy gave me something for you
It’s our secret mommy dear
He pressed it tight against my forehead
and whispered in my ear.


I’d be waiting for you mommy,
you, and Daddy and my sis.
I’ll be with you then forever
Then I’ll give you Daddy’s kiss.


© Elsie Diamond. All Rights Reserved.
I absolutely love this. It was shared by a FB group this morning called "Grieving Mothers"

Comments

I love comments.  I have heard so many nice things from other parents out there, on this blog and on the DBC.  This is one of the best comments I've gotten in awhile...

"This is random - but I wanted to let you know that I wrote Blaine's name down the other day. I went to a Day of the Dead exhibit at a local museum and one of the alters on display was made by 3 mamas who all lost their first babies. One of the areas of the exhibit was butterfly stickers to write people's name on them and stick them on the wall. I was teary-eyed through most of the exhibit, and wrote down Acacia's name on a butterfly. Then I thought of many of the other BLMs that I know and you and Blaine came to mind. Unfortunately I didn't have a camera on me to take a picture - but I wanted to let you know Blaine's name was up on that wall with Acacia's and a few others as well."

I love that Blaine was just randomly thought of.  It makes my day to hear things like this.   Like he really existed, he wasn't all just in my head. 

Then and Now

The Dream. 

Last year I was dreaming about two boys.  This year I am blessed enough to be holding one, loving one, nursing one, teaching one.

I remember how anxious I was about Caleb, would he make it?  I wish I could go back and reassure pregnant me that he would.  Tell her to enjoy it.  Looking back at how nervous I was I know I missed important things.  I remember the anxiety more than I remember the joy.  I do remember the kicks and nudges.  How he'd let me know he was still there, still moving and breathing.  He is truly a Momma's boy.  He may be one of the few men I've ever met that "gets me." 
I never let a day go by without thanking God for these babies of mine.  All of them.  A, B, and C. 

Days 26 - 29

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

These past few days have been okay.  I was at my folks yesterday and this morning, that is stressful on a whole other level.  But I am happy.  I am genuinely happy.

Day 27: Share a picture. ~ this is me and my daughter at a Dove Release in Oct 2010.  Well, Caleb is there too but just a little nugget.

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

Yes and yes.  See, Caleb's Shower! 

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
 
Blaine is in Heaven and I will go to Heaven and join him when I die.  That's that.  I have no doubts.  I don't think he's an actual angel even though I call him that once in awhile.  Angels are angels and people are people.  I don't think he has little wings and flies around although I do summon that imagery once in awhile as a comfort.  I picture him to be a toddler, maybe 3 or 4.  Exactly how I pictured he would have looked on earth.  Perfect.

Day 17

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?

I actually hope not.  I like to think he's up there living his own life not watching me.   I have an idea in my head of what Heaven is like.  I don't think he has the time to spend watching over me and making sure I'm okay.  And that's not his job.  That being said, it is nice to see a sign once in awhile or feel a breeze on my face or other reminders and think to myself "he's here."

Day 5

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminders of your angel (s)? If so what are they?

I'm not a huge believer in "signs" from beyond.  Once when I was young, after a cousin had passed away, I was listening to a song from her funeral in my room and the volume literally turned down on the stereo.  Like the button actually went to a lower volume.  So, do I think they exist, yes.  Do I think Blaine is floating around above me waiting for a moment to say Hi Mom?  No, I hope not.  I don't want to picture him as being in between.  I want him up there living the good life not worrying about me.  That being said there are some things that make me stop and think of him.  A sunflower.  Breaking Dawn, yes the book.  Bella called her daughter "my little nudger" and that's what I called him when I was pregnant and he was alive and kicking.  When I walk past the funeral home or see a hearse or a graveyard or anything related to the funeral industry, I think of him and his brief stint.  It seems there isn't a day that goes by that I don't see or hear something that makes me stop for a second, usually with a broken smile and think "Blaine."

Day 1 - 4

I am coming to this a couple of days late so I'll do 4 days today.  I've decided to be lazy, if the question is already something I've discussed on the blog then I'm just going to refer to that post.  Well it isn't just laziness but I thought it would be interesting, especially if the posts were several months apart.
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.

Who Am I - July 21 2010
I Am - Oct 2 2011

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

Abby, my princess, my diva, my twin soul.  She has all of my good traits and just a couple of my bad.  She never ceases to amaze me with her brilliance. 
Blaine, my first born son, my lost one.  I know how I picture him and I imagine everyday what he is doing.
Caleb, the new kid on the block, my second son, my rainbow.  He knew when to kick and punch to ease my anxiety and now he fills my days with smiles, giggles and hugs.

My ABC's. 


Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"

My husband, my daughter and the those of us in this sad world of mourning mothers (and fathers).

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

I feel like I could give this the same answer as Day 3.  Husband, daughter, BLM's.  All true.  I think what keeps me going somedays though is my faith in God and Heaven.  My belief that Heaven is a real place and that Blaine is there.  "He will not come to me but I will go to him." 

Anniversaries

One year ago yesterday I peed on a stick and officially welcomed Caleb into our family.  It was a bittersweet night.  Knowing that the next day, one year ago today, September 18th was Blaine's expectant due date.  My boys.  In front of me sits one, in his bumbo chair, playing with his big sister.  And around my neck is my first son.  Ashes in a pendant.  It hardly seems fair but like the song goes "you can't have one without the other."  And I am finally okay with that.

Missing Moments

I purposefully watched the end of Pretty in Pink last night just so I could see the parking lot scene.  It's dark, the ground glitters from the rain, Molly Ringwald comes running up and yells out "Blaine!"  They kiss and make up.  They probably live happily ever after.  While my Blaine would have been much better looking that this Blaine and more fashionable, I still couldn't help but tear up a little.  No woman will run after him.  Except me.

Hard Truths

We, BLM's, our community, are different then the rest of the population. That is a truth I have always thought of but just recently realized is 100% true. I'm not going to get into all of it because many people have blogged about it lately and I am pretty sure the worst is over. Basically there was this FB breast cancer "awareness" campaign where women were to put "I'm _ weeks and craving _" depending on their birthday. I personally wasn't offended by this but I still thought it was a pretty crappy thing to do. I know so many women out there struggling to either deal with a recent miscarriage or death; struggling to conceive their rainbow or even first child; struggling to deal with a loss and subsequent pregnancy at the same time. To me, this FB game spit in their face. It made a joke of it. To those who participated it was just a fun little game.
And there is the divide. All of our thoughts, desires, words, actions, needs will forever have the stamp of the baby lost on them. We will never make a decision again without thinking of what could have and should have been. We are different. It's a hard truth to accept. Or maybe for some it's a welcome one. You value something more when you know how hard it is to lose it. I will never again take my kids for granted. Never wish them away.
I am sitting here now holding back tears because it's Abby's first day back at school. As excited as I am for her to start this new chapter of her life it is time away from me. I know parents who can't wait to get their kids out the door, who have nannies and housekeepers (even when they're home) so they don't have to care for them themselves. Who complain about how much work it is to have them. And they're right, it is work. It hasn't been easy taking care of two kids all day, everyday this summer. But as hard as it was at times I wouldn't want life any other way. Here I am trying to convince Abby to skip grade one and let me home school her! Thankfully my girl is fiercely independent though so she said no. I have to let her go out and live her life.
The divide is there and yes, there are many many times we will cross it. We all have friends and family who have been there for us and who are sensitive to our special needs and concerns. We drift back and forth between grief and normalcy. There are times when no one would guess we were grieving. And then there are times when the SH*& hits the fan, like with this FB "campaign." When we need to stand together and remind people that we're still here, we still feel the loss with every breath.

Dates

Ah September. A month of beginnings. Abby starts full time school next week. Caleb and I will start to head out to drop in centres and maybe find some other babies to hang with. I like the fall weather and I've been dying to put Caleb in his little sweaters and hats. September. I am reminded daily that I SHOULD be back to work now, I SHOULD be planning a first birthday party. SHOULD I do something for what would have been Blaine's due date, September 18th. I'm actually not too sad about this. I'm just matter of fact about it. Last September was much harder. Now I think I'm at a place in my grief when I can be happy, even on sad days and with so many reminders of the shoulds.
Yesterday I did something I thought I would never ever do. I threw out the wrapping paper that Blaine's box of ashes was wrapped in and the green plastic bag that I carried him home in from the funeral home. I realized that I don't need to keep garbage. Throwing garbage away doesn't mean he's not here or that I don't love him. I would never throw away real mementos but somethings are just stuff. I was nervous I'd want to go picking through the garbage and get them back but I don't. I'm at peace.

Questions

Because I am hooked on this blog now, I find so much inspiration from Angie at Still Life. She had several questions about living children in her post today and offered it up to readers to reply to the questions on their own blog or in the comment section. I've just taken two of the questions which I feel pertain to me.


My question, something that's been troubling me since my son was stillborn last year, is how will I explain this to any future children we're lucky enough to have? I know you have young kids, so I'm wondering how do you explain Lucy's death to them? Drew was our first, so I'm just wondering how I will explain this to any brothers and sisters he may have.

After Blaine died we initially told Abby that the baby would just take longer to get here. I was worried that it would be too scary for her to hear about death. Kids don't really understand time or pregnancy so she bought it. We said, instead of him coming in SK he would come in grade one. This was fine for her but not for me. I couldn't grieve in front of her, I couldn't cry, couldn't talk about him. I realized that if we did this then she would only ever know the next baby. She would never know the baby that died. Blaine would never exist to her. Also, what would we do with the things that have his name on them? She would eventually say "who is Blaine?" And then we'd have to admit to lying. After a good long long talk with a wonderful woman named Cindy from a bereavement group I decided it was best to tell her. We did and she took it fine. She was 5 at the time and most 5 yr olds have a remarkable ability to just see things as is. She didn't cry she just said "I'll see him when I go to Heaven." End of discussion. Now, she talks about him all the time, blows bubbles up to him and wishes he could come visit. She doesn't seem scarred by it or upset at all. It is just a part of our life. Even though Caleb is only 13 weeks I have already talked to him about his big bro. He will grow up attending baby loss events, he will hear us talk about Blaine and he'll see Blaine's name everywhere around the house. I don't believe in sugar coating things. I tell Abby the age appropriate truth when she asks me a question. I'll do the same with Caleb.

Do you ever wonder how your life would be different or your grieving would be different if you did not have your little boy? How do you think your pregnancy or more so your birth and alive baby after your loss help you heal or do you think it did help you heal if even in a small way? Do you ever feel like you want another baby because there will always be one missing?

If I didn't have Abby when I lost Blaine I might have killed myself.
After Blaine I desperately wanted to be pregnant again. I waited one month to have a regular period and then we were off. I was one of the lucky ones who managed to get pregnant within four months. Having Caleb now makes the grief different. It is healing but it also brings up some very strange emotions and questions about life and death. Like why him and not the other one? I am loving and adoring a little man that wouldn't be here if not for death. In many ways he has healed us, as one of my friend's said "if he doesn't heal some broken hearts I don't know what will." I have to believe that there is a reason for this. That Blaine left so Caleb could be here. I still miss Blaine and the endless possibilities of what could have been. But now I have Caleb and although my dreams for Caleb are different I have a future to look forward to again.

Gone Too Soon

I just returned from a wonderful event hosted by Dana and Jackie. It was a family picnic and balloon release to recognize all of our babies, gone too soon, born beautiful. It was nice to spend some time with "my people." lol

It was nice to see Dana and Jackie and there was a couple there that we went to group with back in the beginning. It was good to see them again.

Here are some photos:

A Simple Task Like Sorting Clothes

I'm going through Caleb's 0-3 month clothes and giving some away/packing some keepsakes. We had not bought a lot of stuff for Blaine but there were some outfits sent by my Aunt out west. They were all 0-3 or 3-6 months. So, Caleb has gotten to wear some of his big brother's clothes. I find myself a little sad now that he's outgrowing them. Once he's past 6 months there won't be any more. He'll never get anything else from his big brother.
That sounds strange since his big brother never lived, never wore clothes. He came into the world naked and his body left naked.
Another way to look at it is that he got his life from his brother. Like I said in yesterday's post, there wouldn't be a Caleb if there were a living Blaine. As harsh as that is it makes me want to love this little monkey even more. To give him more, teach him more, spend more time with him, kiss him and squeeze him more.