Birthday Celebrations

"If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore."  It Will Rain by Bruno Mars

It's starting again.  The time when I can't hear or see anything that doesn't remind me of Blaine.  Two weeks from this Friday and we will be at 2 years.  2 years.  I remember how slow that first year went.  I thought life would never move on, that I would be stuck there forever.  The second year has moved much faster.  And I have had so much joy and happiness in it.  I still cry but not everyday.  I still wonder why.  I haven't had any moments of rage lately.  Today sort of but it was fleeting.  It's hard to be sad around Caleb.  I started crying today listening to this song and to another but Caleb immediately came over and smothered me with kisses.  I am healed in so many ways. 

We are going back to Florida for another family vacation soon.  The same vacation we had planned when I was pregnant with Blaine, the one we left for three days after.  Driving the same roads, staying at the same resort, shopping and eating at the same places.  A lot about that trip is a blur to me.  I look at the photos and I think I faked a smile pretty well.   I do remember certain things very vividly.  Mostly the sad moments.  I remember the bathroom stall at the pool that I used to go and cry in.  I remember sucking in my gut when I ordered a pina colado so that no one would think I was pregnant.  I remember how bad the cramps got while we were shopping, so bad I thought I was hemorraging.  I remember driving there and making a mental note of all the hospital signs we saw just in case something else happened.  What I remember the most was the sense that I had forgotten something.  When I packed, unpacked, when I walked into a room, when we drove somewhere.  I kept thinking to myself "what did I forget?" 
I have to admit, I'm incredibly nervous to go back.  I really didn't want to but hubby insisted on this vacation spot.  I'm afraid I'm going to be miserable going back there.  I was talking to my friend on the phone the other night and she said that she thought it would be good.  That I would be going back and creating good memories to replace the old.  I'm trying to look at it from that perspective.  I'm really scared though that it's just going to be another week of faking it.  Faking smiles to cover the fact that I am nauseaus and sad and angry.  Plus, we're going with my mom, my sister and law and her two kids.  Talk about stress! 

And then there's Blaine's birthday to contend with.  Obviously I will want to do something.  But what?  And how am I going to feel that day?  It's hard enough to plan a living child's birthday party! 
If you have read this far then you are a true friend!  lol   The problem with taking a break is that when you do write you have a lot to say! 

Grab A Coffee

This could be a doozy...just got back from vacation so I have some things to share, and of course a visit and chat with my mother naturally ends in me needing to rant.




On the left is Abby digging a whole for our shrub and on the right is me at night with the shrub and the outdoor lights we got for it. We decided to plant a shrub for Blaine up north. We buried part of his ashes there. Sissy wanted to dig the hole and put the ashes in so she did. A bittersweet moment for sure. I'm so glad she wanted to participate but of course sad that she had to do something like that. The shrub is a Rhus Aromatica. We chose it because it is very fragrant and so the deer won't eat it. It is green and grows about 1.5 metres. It's leaves will turn bright red in the fall. I thought it would be much harder to leave a part of him up there but it wasn't. As my father in law reminded me, one day I will be up there with my grandkids.
We had a great trip but it's good to be home.
Here's the rant part...when I tried to tell my mom about the shrub on the phone she actually changed the topic to talk about her dead dog and the new puppy she's getting. I don't know whether she is just so ignorant and self absorbed or if she were comparing the two. I lost a child, she lost a dog, must be the same topic right? I was really mad. But you can't tell her that. She is in total denial about the person she is and the mother she is. She pretty much thinks she's perfect and if you try to tell her otherwise you get a huge guilt trip. And then when you bring things up that she's done wrong you get "I don't want to talk about it" or my favourite, she'll just start repeating "whatever whatever" over you so you can't talk. Yes, this is my mother. I don't know why I keep trying. She clearly doesn't care so I'm officially giving up.
I just finished reading "Eleanor Rigby" by Douglas Copeland. A teenager gives up her baby for adoption and years later he finds her. The mother of the girl (grandmother to the boy) says something and it just hit me and made me cry. I love this quote:

"I've also thought about you during the days, too. Usually it's when I'm preparing dinner, and in my head I'm wondering how many portions to make. I'm at the sink peeling potatoes, or maybe it's while I'm ironing a shirt. Don't ask why. I'm standing up and doing something dull with my hands. Leslie and William have kids, but for some reason it's you I've missed. You were the first. I worry about Leslie's kids, but when I think about them, I've never pulled over to the side of a road, out of the blue, feeling like I've been kicked in the chest."

That's how I feel. I worry about my kids; I think about Blaine at the oddest of times like when I'm making dinner or buying Abby new socks; I feel the air sucked out of me when I remember that I don't need to make dinner for him or buy him clothes or prepare him for school.

Was It You Blaine?

B, I spent most of this weekend thinking of you and all of the things at Papa's you would have loved! It was a good weekend and Daddy and I had lots of fun with Big Sis. But I missed you. I took your ashes and footprints with me. Of course it wasn't enough. Daddy and I kept saying how next year things will be different because we'll have a baby with us. This year things should be different! It's not fair that you're gone. I was sitting with Daddy on this big rock over looking the lake and just started freestyling this poem to you. I'm not much of a poet but I'm your Momma so I'm sure you'll like it anyway!

Was It You

Was it you in the rustle of the leaves turning yellow
Was it you crackling branches in the trees
Was it you who kept reminding me you weren't so far away

Were you the bird who kept flying in front
Were you the butterfly who stayed too late
Were you the bunny who hopped in Sissy's path

Was it you

Was it you who whispered I love you in the breeze
Was it you who washed over the stones on the shore
Was it you who woke me from my very bad dream

Were you the big white moth that tried to get in
Were you in the stands with us while Daddy played ball
Were you in the stars over the campfire

Was it you?

I realized this weekend all of the things that remind me of you: bunnies, monarch butterflies, "waves over stones" or any water lapping up on a shore, sunflowers, yellow. I saw you every where and I know you were there. I knew it was you.

Love you baby boy. xoxo

Back

Back to the real world. I had such a nice weekend away at my father in laws. If I won the lottery tonight I wouldn't even pack a bag I'd just be gone up there. It is so quiet and peaceful. And while I miss my creature comforts it's nice to be able to breath and sleep. I slept so peacefully, no nightmares, no waking up for hours in the middle of the night. Just sleep. And breathing. I could breath, no chest pains, no anxiety. I remember when I could feel that way everyday. When I didn't need to escape from real life to feel that good. When that was my normal.

I missed Blaine too when I was up there although I wasn't sad or depressed. I took my framed ultrasound photo with me and my little book I write his letters in. But I didn't take my painting or candle holder or the rest of my memory box. And I feel like I left him here by himself. Isn't that strange? We made sure to take a photo of his name when we were thinking of him. By the waterfalls, on a rock, at the lake across from his Papa's house. His Papa would have loved him. Even though he has two grandsons already I know Blaine would have been the favourite. His son's son. The only time I got a little depressed was when they were talking about the family name. My husband is the last on that side of the family with the last name. If he doesn't have a son then the name ends with him. And it made me sad that our son died and we may not get another one. And it isn't my husband's fault and maybe not even my fault but who knows.

Had therapy this morning and Dolores gave me a relaxation CD to listen too and see if it helps. I just can't relax. Maybe the music will help. I just have to find sometime to sit and play the CD and try not to think. Have to block everything out of my head. Might as well ask me to perform brain surgery!

Weekend Away

Our little family spent the weekend away. I actually missed being on here and blogging and reading about all of you. That's weird isn't it? But it was nice to get out of the city and be somewhere quiet and peaceful. I've just spent sometime catching up on all the blogs I've been missing for two days. Will post some pics tomorrow that I took for Blaine. Lots of great scenery up there. Spent a lot of energy trying to get a butterfly to cooperate and let me photograph it. Missed him way too much.