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Back to the real world. I had such a nice weekend away at my father in laws. If I won the lottery tonight I wouldn't even pack a bag I'd just be gone up there. It is so quiet and peaceful. And while I miss my creature comforts it's nice to be able to breath and sleep. I slept so peacefully, no nightmares, no waking up for hours in the middle of the night. Just sleep. And breathing. I could breath, no chest pains, no anxiety. I remember when I could feel that way everyday. When I didn't need to escape from real life to feel that good. When that was my normal.

I missed Blaine too when I was up there although I wasn't sad or depressed. I took my framed ultrasound photo with me and my little book I write his letters in. But I didn't take my painting or candle holder or the rest of my memory box. And I feel like I left him here by himself. Isn't that strange? We made sure to take a photo of his name when we were thinking of him. By the waterfalls, on a rock, at the lake across from his Papa's house. His Papa would have loved him. Even though he has two grandsons already I know Blaine would have been the favourite. His son's son. The only time I got a little depressed was when they were talking about the family name. My husband is the last on that side of the family with the last name. If he doesn't have a son then the name ends with him. And it made me sad that our son died and we may not get another one. And it isn't my husband's fault and maybe not even my fault but who knows.

Had therapy this morning and Dolores gave me a relaxation CD to listen too and see if it helps. I just can't relax. Maybe the music will help. I just have to find sometime to sit and play the CD and try not to think. Have to block everything out of my head. Might as well ask me to perform brain surgery!