Letter to Blaine

Baby boy, I miss you so much. I cannot begin to describe to anyone the immense loss I feel. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, stabbed, kicked, stomped on and shoved back in. In just those 17 weeks you changed me. You made your presence known my boy. You jumped around, you waved, you craved Big Mac's! You know Momma hadn't touched a Big Mac in about 15 years. But you craved it and then I had to eat it. You were already your father's son. You were so strong. I am sorry I was not strong enough. I couldn't save you, I couldn't carry you. But I loved you boy. I still love you so much, to the Moon and back! That's what I tell Sissy. I love my kids to the moon and back.

Big Sis loves you too. She was right here when I took the pregnancy test. She was so excited, although to be honest she wanted you to be a girl. From that night on she was kissing my belly and saying good night to you and giving you raspberries. Sissy doesn't know you're gone. I could not burden her with this pain. When I made your picture in Niagara Falls I had Sissy write your name. She wrote out all of the letters and then said "what does that spell Momma" I told her. I almost choked on your name. I've never said it to her before. And she repeated "Blaine" and then giggled. My heart was filled with joy to hear Sissy speak your name for the first time. She's learning to read. I know one day she'll see your name all around the apartment and ask "who's this Blaine?" When she's older I will tell her all about you.

And Daddy...you are his first son. There is something special about that. I feel guilty that I lost Daddy's first son. He loves you my boy. I had so many dreams for you two. He would teach you to play baseball; he'd take you to see the Maple Leafs play (would you have hated my Maple Leaf jokes as much as Daddy does?); you'd watch your sports together; he'd teach you to shave and teach you about girls. You would have had a whole lifetime of special moments together.

But my boy, my son, my sun, you are not with us anymore. I know in my heart that you are somewhere wonderful. You are safe and loved and you are with our Father. Maybe you've met Lindsay? And Sadie? I hope so. I want to think of you up there in Heaven playing ball with my old Sadie dog. And Lindsay, I bet she's got her strong legs back? She can run around with you.

But boy I miss you. Knowing how happy you must be gives me some comfort but not completely. I am a selfish woman, I want you to leave the safety of Heaven and come down here with me.

And Baby Boy, Momma doesn't know how to move on. And I know I need to. Not get over but get on. I have to but I can't. I don't ever want to forget you. A part of me never wants this pain to heal. Cause this pain is the only physical part I have left of you. I have my memories; I have your ultrasound photos; my memory box. But physically I have nothing. Nothing but this hole in my heart and soul. I don't want to fix it. I don't want to feel better. I want to be able to move on and be a great Momma to Sissy and to your little brothers and sisters that might come next. I want to be able to live and breath. But I want this pain until I'm with you. Not the suffocating pain...that's got to go. But the gentler pain that keeps you close, keeps you on my mind. I listened to this song today and it made me think of you. A different song every day makes me think of you. This is today's - Garth Brooks "The Dance"

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

I love you so much Blaine, today and forever.

Momma

xoxo