One Year

A year ago today we were out for dinner at a local restaurant. Coincidentally this was the same restaurant hubby and I ordered from the day we found out we were having Abby. We had dinner and I decided on a lark to buy a pregnancy test on the way home. We had tried in December to get pregnant and I was pretty confident it had worked. My AF was due that night or the next morning so I originally planned to wait until Sunday to test. I couldn't wait though, too excited. We bought the test and went home, I went into the bathroom and took the test. I was pregnant. I ran out and hugged my husband and we told Abby. She laughed and gave me a big hug. We were so happy. Welcome to our lives Blaine! We had no doubt in our minds that by the end of the year we would have our family of four. We were hoping for another girl. It would just make things easier since for a year or two they will have to share a room. And it would be cheaper because girls can pass down clothes and share toys. Within weeks though I knew I was having a boy. I've been able to tell with all three pregnancies. I started calling him my little nudger and as time went on he became Blaine, only in my head though. We were so thrilled. I told everyone right away. By the third week in January I was already feeling really sick. I told everyone at work and all of my friends. Changed my FB status. I wasn't waiting to tell anyone because there was no way anything was going to happen to my baby! I took my calendar at work and planned out the next nine months, vacation days to go for dr appts, my last day of work. My family was thrilled, we were thrilled. I was just two months behind my sister so Christmas would be a busy one for the grandparents. Who was that glass half full girl? Looking back I can't believe the optimism I had. The blind naivety. Pregnancy meant life for people like me. I ate well, worked out, my family had no history of loss, not that I knew of at the time. Blaine was coming and I was nervous about having a boy. I wasn't sure I'd know what to do with a boy. I remember being at someone's house once and taking a boy to the bathroom with Abby and telling him to sit and go pee. And he looked at me like I was an idiot and said "I don't sit when I pee." I don't know! My life changed so much that January. I was suddenly the mother of two! I had the million dollar family. One boy and one girl. Isn't that what everyone dreams of? The house in the suburbs, the golden retriever, the boy and the girl. How quickly things changed. One year ago today I was in a bubble knowing that my first son was on his way.

Finding a Balance

I hate when I have nothing to do at work except think. I almost always end up thinking bad things. Not good.
I'm taking a little break from reading new blogs. I'm still reading the ones I've always read but I'm not adding any on. Partly because I've been so exhausted when I get home at night that I can barely stay awake through dinner. And secondly I need a break from hearing more heartbreaking stories. Before Blaine I had no idea how many different ways a baby could die. And to be honest I wish I was still that naive young woman who thought pregnancy meant life. Don't get me wrong I love my sisters that I've met and all of Blaine's Buds. But I wonder if I continue to read story after story how will I ever stop worrying? I have this idea that I need to start filling my mind and heart with positivity, a strict diet of positive thoughts. One of the first verses I memorized post Blaine was Phillipians 4: 6-8...it ends like this "whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things."
So, I am left to wonder what I should do. I can't leave the community because it sustains me in some pretty rough moments. But I need to focus on health and love and a good outcome. What is the balance?

Another Day

Today is a good day. My hubby came and met me at work for lunch. I love it when he does that. It's our little time together. We don't get that often so we have to sneak it in when we can. Still no AF! 29 days now. I'm debating taking a test tonight. If it's positive it might make this week a little easier but if it's negative I could come crashing down.
I realize how much I built up September 18th in my head. It really is no worse than any other day. I've put it more into perspective now and I'm not as depressed about it as I have been earlier in the week. Blaine would not have been born exactly tomorrow so why is tomorrow more significant then any other day? I think it's just that most women have their babies before the due date. So, the due date is significant in the fact that the baby should be here by now. So, when us BLM are approaching our dd without the baby it's just another reminder. He should be with me. I should be carrying him around in a carrier, I should be full with milk, I should be off work, I should be changing diapers and giving baths and shopping for cute onesies. I should I should I should.
Last night I had a very bittersweet moment with big sis. We were saying prayers at bed time and the first thing she said was "God Bless Blaine." and then she said "God Bless Penny's baby and let him come out so he doesn't die." It was so sweet that she would think of Blaine and of her new growing cousin. But so sad that at age 5 she knows babies can die. I wonder how this will affect her when she becomes a woman. Will this make her nervous when she experiences her first pregnancy? Will she love the next baby a little more? Will she love her own babies a little more? How I respond to this is bigger than me and my issues. How I respond to this is affecting her. I can show her that when we face tragedy we crumble, we don't recover, we let it overwhelm us, we give in. Or I can show her that when faced with life's worst we survive, we conquer, we become stronger, we turn to God, we turn to our sisters. We fight.

Catching Up

I haven't felt like writing much this week. Although I've forced myself to do something since I said I would every day for 365. It would have been all sadness and bitterness anyway so I figured what was the point. This is going to border on that but be a ramble.
Today is 28 days since AF so I could be pregnant. I was thinking today that I really don't remember what pregnancy feels like. It feels like so long ago. Someone asked if I felt like I was having pregnancy symptoms but I really don't remember what they are. I kind of feel nauseaus but I also feel crampy. I don't know.
I got up on the subway the other day to offer my seat to a pregnant woman. But then some young girl offered hers so instead I ended up sitting beside the preggo. I made a joke about her taking a seat when she can because people rarely offer them and she replied "oh you must have kids then" Kids plural. And I said yes. And then we stared off into space. My mind was racing, I wanted so badly to warn her. To tell her that anyday now the *&^% could hit the fan. The baby could die. She could plummett into anguish. And then I had the urge to tell her all about my kids. I came to my senses though. After all no one really wants to sit and chat on the subway.
I don't feel as sad today or as angry. I feel really tired. The pressures and scrambler of this week has caught up to me. Saturday a friend of mine is coming over. I'm going to make a nice dinner and I've asked her to stop and pick up some cupcakes. I hope she remembers because we decided we wanted to do that for B.
I have so many blogs to catch up on this week. Usually I read them at work but I've been a little busy. And I've been trying to spend more time with hubby and our daughter in the evening. I keep thinking something is going to happen to her and if it does I'll really regret not playing a game with her or reading her a story before bed. I know thats catastrophizing but this is a rough week and my anxiety has come back full swing. I've pretty much been feeling the same as I did in May and June. Before the meds. Meds aren't working this week.

Approaching Doom

Cue ominous music. Approaching doom. That's how I feel. I was feeling so up and lately am feeling so down again. I know why and I know what's coming. It's like I'm standing in the middle of the street watching an 18 wheeler approach and I want to jump out of the way but I can't. My 18 wheeler is September 18th. Saturday September 18th. Blaine's expected due date. While I know logically he would most likely not be born right on that day it is still significant. Significant because all of my plans for 2010 revolved around that day. I shouldn't have to go to work tomorrow. I should be on maternity leave. I should be seeing my doctor every week now. I should be big and fat and waddling like a duck. I should be getting looks of pity because I am so hot and uncomfortable, not because I have a dead son. My daughter should have had her last day at daycare today. I was going to send her with money to order pizza for everyone. I wanted so bad for Blaine to come before the first day of school so he and I could walk Sissy to school everyday. I got half of what I wished for. He did come before the first day of school. But I will be working and he is dead so Sissy must go to daycare and they will walk her to school. I want to do something special. I had these wild plans in my head months ago about throwing a sort of baby shower on his day but one with donations to dead baby charities instead of gifts. Or I would gather friends and family together and have a balloon release. But I haven't planned anything and besides that who would come. September 18th will be 5 months and 5 days. Everyone has moved on. They moved on at 5 days never mind 5 months. I am the only one stuck here waiting to get hit by a truck, bracing for an impact I know is coming. Haven't planned anything and will most likely spend the day either just like an average Saturday...or alternatively curled up in a ball refusing to leave my bed. I don't know which sounds worse at this point.
I really am trying not to be so Eeyore. I really am. I just have to wallow once in awhile. After one stillbirth (I've officially decided that's what I'm calling it now..regardless of age 31 hours of labour is not a miscarriage) and two "possible" miscarriages in 4 months I think I deserve to wallow once in awhile.
Good news for today: my sugar fairy gave me lots of chocolate today. He must know I hate Tuesdays.

Status Updates

I actually typed these words into my FB status today "...is debating whether to get her memorial tattoo soon or wait until she's done having dead babies." I couldn't save it though, deleted it. Because really, most of my "friends" would probably be appalled at me saying that or would ignore me and roll their eyes or call child services and tell them I've gone mad. Why is a raven like a writing desk?
"Tomorrow would be my last day of work if I didn't have a dead baby." I did actually say those words to two people at work today. Why is a raven like a writing desk?
I am really really trying hard to keep things in perspective. All I have to do is watch the news to know that millions if not billions of people on this Earth have life a lot harder than I do. I have been blessed with a loving husband, a beautiful daughter, a decent job, some pretty good friends, a normally healthy body and mind (mostly), food (fudgeos mmm), shelter, clothing (even if it is a little tight) and both my parents are living. I have so much to be thankful for. But these past two weeks have really been pushing my limits. I'm feeling a little Job right now...like what else is going to go wrong? When do I break out in sores? These past four months have been the worst of my life. When I look back at even the happy moments I've had they are overshadowed by the Descent. Our third wedding anniversary was the day after Blaine died. Our first family trip to Disney...the week after. My daughter's 5th bday...someone was missing. Our annual trip to Papa's house...someone was missing. It's always right there just beneath the surface. And it may very well be forever.
We were pretty resolved after my ultrasound on Friday that that was it. A little drama but it was over. Then Tuesday, ya Tuesday, I get a call at midnight from my doctor. First I think I'm having a nightmare, then I think it's a prank. He was just reviewing the results from my ultrasound and blood work and I need to go to emergency right away because I am probably ecotopic. I hang up and go back to bed because I am a rebel like that. I called him in the morning and he repeats everything. I drag myself to emergency alone because hubby has to work and who else wants to sit there and stare at me for 9 hours. Yes, 9 hours. 9 hours for them to determine that whatever was in my tube on Friday was now gone. Ecotopic preg? Maybe but it resolved itself. Another cyst? Maybe but it resolved itself. I guess this was good news but at this point I just want one drama free week. I want to go to Hawaii and lie on a beach and drink a fruity cocktail. But since I can't even afford to buy my son's urn right now there is no Hawaii for me.
So, I'm trying to be positive and not be all "woe is me" but I just want some good news. I want some happiness. I just want one more baby. I don't need 18. I don't need octuplets and a reality show. Just one more sweet little baby to call my own. And I'd like to not have to go through all of this drama to get it. I want it to be like it was when I got pregnant with my daughter. Hey let's not use a condom this time...bing pregnant! I ate like a pig, gained 66 pounds and loved every minute of it. Never crossed my mind that pregnancy would be anything but that.
And as I'm writing this I am on the phone with my mother and she has just informed me that my 25 year old cousin has gotten knocked up by some guy at work that she's not even dating. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Welcoming Aunt Flo

I was thinking about all of the things I did differently last week when I smoked the dream pipe and thought I was pregnant. How I cut back on my coffee and only had two coffees the whole week! I drank green tea instead (the low caffeine version). I slept on my left side although I'm a stomach sleeper. I had very gentle sex with my hubby instead of the usual romp. I had a little skip in my steps thinking of all the possibilities. I sat on the subway instead of standing and gave men dirty looks when I couldn't get a seat. I rubbed my belly and called it CK. C for Caleb which is our next boy name and K for Kaitlyn which is our next girl name. I went to bed early. I started a pregnancy journal. I feel absolutely riduculous that I did all of this over a cyst! I rubbed my belly and called a cyst CK. I feel foolish. Even though it really isn't my fault and I really should sue the makers of the at home preggo test that gave me a false positive and in turn a false hope!!
Today I am welcoming Aunt Flo. How have I welcomed her? I allowed myself to curse. I said the "F" word more than once and I may have called Aunt Flo a "female dog." I normally don't curse or try not to because I think it makes me sound uneducated and don't want my daughter to hear me. I drank so much caffeine on Friday I couldn't get to sleep. I love Dr. Pepper and Iced Caps. One of either of those has the daily maximum suggested caffeine amount for a preggo woman. So, Friday after learning I was carrying a cyst not a baby I drank two of each. Yesterday I ate an undercooked Polish sausage. Listeria who? Tomorrow I'm having sushi for lunch. I went on a ride with my daughter at the Exhibition yesterday, a ride that specifically warned against pregnant women. Haha take that! Today I scrubbed my house clean with toxic chemicals. I may have inhaled too much. Or not enough? Depends on the perspective. I'm eating a bag of donuts right now instead of something healthy and I am planning on licking the extra sugar out of the bottom of the bag. I walked for ten hours yesterday straight (our annual trip to the Canadian National Ex). I wasn't going to make the excursion this year because I was supposed to be 36 weeks pregnant. I guess having a dead baby has it's advantageous. I have a bad cough so the past two nights I've been taking cough syrup so I can sleep uninterrupted.
So many things I really should not be doing but who cares at this point. If I had any alcohol in the house I'd probably be drinking too. Next month I may celebrate Aunt Flo's arrival with some wine. And chocolate. And coffee.

False Alarm

What a day. Actually today wasn't that bad as I slept most of my troubles away. Had to get up early to go to the ultrasound at the hospital. Which was a drama because my doctor forgot to send in the requisition. So, I had to yell at the woman at the desk "I may be having a miscarriage and I need an ultrasound today!!" Needless to say I got the ultrasound. And I'm not pregnant. I had a cyst in my uterus which caused my body to think it was an implanted egg. So, positive preggo test and no Aunt Flo. But the cyst burst on it's own and that's why I started bleeding yesterday. The technician was really nice. She explained it all to me although she couldn't explain why I got a cyst or if it will come back. I am somewhat relieved. It was obvious this morning that if I was pregnant I wouldn't be by tomorrow. So, at least I'm not having a loss. And at least this cyst went away on it's own. And at least the tech was able to tell me that I have perfect ovaries and a healthy looking uterus. I am very sad that I'm not pregnant. A week of dreaming up in smoke. I realized this week though that I am looking for a Blaine substitute. And I wondered if I would be able to love this baby on it's own merit. Or if I will always think of the next baby as the one after Blaine. The one sent to replace the boy I want but can't have. Logically that sounds silly to me and I know that I would love my child to death (wrong choice of word maybe) no matter what. I worried when I first got pregnant with Blaine that I would not be able to love him as much as my daughter. But it is equal. So, I know those thoughts were just a worrying momma. I had the most amazing dream last night that I adopted a baby boy named Pablo. Yes Pablo! (if you watch General Hospital you'd get it) It was such a sweet dream. Pablo was 3 years old and had been living on his own since his parents abandoned him at the age of 1. He called me Momma right away. He loved me. It was a nice dream to have and I really needed a nice dream after the night I had.
I want to thank all of you for the comforting words you sent my way. Thank you for the encouragement and the prayers. I was reading an article a couple of days about the scientifically proven power of prayer. Yes, scientifically proven. I'm no good at remembering where I read things so I can't post it here. Prayer is the one thing I can never get enough of. Thank you all. Thanks to Kendra and Julie for doing pics of Blaine's name for me this week. I really needed them. You all are awesome and I hope we all have our Rainbow (I prefer the term Pheonix though) babies soon!! Thanks Maggie for being my support through the days at work this week when I thought I was pregnant and needed encouragment. Turns out it was a false alarm but thanks for being there anyway!! Hopefully soon I will need you again.

Not Quite the Greatest Day I've Ever Known

Today was not as bad as I envisioned. I am exhausted though. I wasn't swamped with work, had just enough to fill my plate but not keep me rushing around. Everyone was super nice about me being back. On my way to work there was a cute little boy on the subway with a little mohawk, just like Blaine would have had. It was bittersweet. I realized today that I work with people who actually care about me. It was a nice aha moment. It was good to see my supervisor again cause I think she's pretty awesome and is the only female boss I've ever liked. My manager didn't growl at me or anything. And the couple of close friends I have there gave me big hugs and big welcomes. I got to tell my good friend Lisa all about seeing Blaine and the cremation. She was like "I'm happy for you" and we both looked at each other strange and realized that was kind of morbid but you know what we meant. And this nice Grandpa guy that works there saved my coupons while I was off (he always gives me coupons and newspapers for various things). I took a "picture of Blaine" to work to put on my desk and I know people noticed but no one really commented yet. Maybe they thought I'd start crying or something. I put "picture of Blaine" in quotations cause it's not really a pic of him but one of his name that a nice BLM made for me. It's nice to look up and see his name. I had a bit of trouble with my breathing on the way to work just because I was so nervous about what to expect. Had to leave my desk a couple of times to walk around and breath. But I didn't have any chest pains. No panic attacks. I had one everyday before I was off so this was something special.
I took a preggo test today and of course I am not preggo yet. I'm broke so I was having lunch with my Mom (which she also paid for, subs which I insisted they heat although it turns out I can have all the listeria I want) and said "can you buy me a pregnancy test?" So of course she did. And I rushed in the bathroom but it was a big fat negative. Don't know what AF is up to. I am never ever in my life irregular...maybe it's the Zoloft (did I mention I switched from Prozac to Zoloft?). That's the only thing I can think of. It's got my cycle out of whack. Or maybe it's stress. Or maybe my body isn't ready yet. Or maybe I'm barren.
It got me thinking today about my daughter. If I couldn't have any other kids would she be enough. And the answer is of course. She is more than enough as she is perfect and loving and beautiful and soulful. But although she is more than enough I still want another one. Preferably a boy! But I will take any living baby God gives me.

GPS

Today I feel some resolve. Maybe it's just another day on the Scrambler. I just feel today that I can't wallow in this anymore. I can't spend hours a day on the computer reading about dead babies. I can't keep reliving my son's birth/death over and over in my head...the sights the smells the sounds. I have to start moving on. I thought that that's what I was doing but have realized over the past couple of days that I really haven't been doing that at all. I understand that this has changed me forever. I understand that I will never "get over" it. But I have to get on. I have to find some peace. Easier said than done right? I feel stuck. I know where I have to get to but don't know how to get there. My internal GPS is busted. I can see myself in the future, healthy and happy with Big Sis and hopefully a new baby. I can see myself being sad and missing Blaine but not being overcome. I can visualize myself being strong and telling my kids about their brother in Heaven without wanting to scream and rip out my hair. I can see it and I want it. I just don't know how to get it. I'm like a rabbit running for a carrot. I can see it in my sights but the faster I run the further away the carrot seems to get.

The Scrambler

Grief is usually referred to in stages, anywhere from 5 to 10 depending on what you're reading or who you're talking to. I think the most commonly recognized ones are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. To me stages are something you go through and then graduate to the next one. Like when I play Super Mario. I beat world one and go onto world two. I don't have to go back to world one again. I've completed that stage. I think calling any part of grief a stage is misleading. It ignores the fact that you will go back and forth and back and forth constantly feeling each stage separately or together. Is grief like a roller coaster? No. You get on a roller coaster and you have the ups and downs. But there is a definite end. You end up in the same spot as you started. Roller coasters with all their twists and turns are circular. So, what is grief really?

After feeling a bit blah last week and getting a little religious I had felt like I had come to an acceptance. I felt like I had released Blaine into God's arms and I was ready to begin moving on. Not getting over but getting on. And then this weekend it just all came crashing down again. I quickly went from "acceptance" to everything else but denial. I can't really deny it at this point. My sister had her baby yesterday. If you know me you know I have mixed feelings about this regardless of the fact I have a dead baby. I won't get into it all now but I was trying to be very supportive. And it hurt like hell. I held this little baby girl. And I was completely overcome with sadness. I never held my son. I didn't think I could handle it. And now I don't think I will ever get over the guilt for not doing it. Guilt is not even one of the 5 stages. Either is self loathing. I seem to be making up my own as I go along.

So, I figured out that grief is a scrambler ride. You know those things at fairs. Kind of looks like a spider. You sit in the cab and it spins around. Then the group you're in spins and finally the whole unit is spinning. You get thrashed around going faster and spinning out of control. When the ride finally stops you are never in the same spot you started in. That's grief. It's not neat little stages it's a spinner. You can feel one stage or you can feel all of the stages. And it's usually accompanied by a sinking feeling in your gut. Like the floor is giving out under you. And when the ride ends who knows where you're going to be. Or who you're going to be.

One thing that hit me pretty hard was when I was at my sister's house before she went into active labour. I was looking at all of the baby stuff and telling her, "save the breastpump for me" "save your maternity pants for me." And then I'm thinking why? What if I never get pregnant? What if I never give birth to a living child again? What if my life is always "this is Abigail my living child?" I'm building this house of dreams that could fall apart at any minute. Gone is the innocence of being pregnant and thinking I'm going to have a baby. How am I going to react to a friend getting pregnant in the future. "Let's hope the baby doesn't die" Or when they complain about being up all night with a baby or having morning sickness "well at least your baby is alive" I'm trying to find hope but I feel like I know too much know. I was singing this song in my head. Of course it's Blue Rodeo...they really should pay me for this publicity. "House of Dreams"

"Must have thought you'd always be there

I never even noticed when the changes came one day
Seems one minute you were standing close
I turned around again
And girl you were far away

And every plan we made
Oh I just let them fade
And pile up on the floor
Beside the bed
Now you're gone away
Oh but your memory stays
I sit here thinking of the things I never said

In this house of dreams
I let you walk like a ghost unseen
Out walked my everything
Girl on the day you left"

Every plan I had made is gone. And I hope I can have the courage to plan again. But I have to get off this Scrambler first.

Happy Belated Canada Day!!

Went to a fair yesterday with my little girl...watched the fireworks. We didn't get home until ten to eleven. I think that's the latest she's ever stayed out. She looked in awe at the fireworks and it was so nice to just listen to her giggle. Of course, the first set they did were big bursts of yellow, which looked like flowers and reminded me of my son. So, he was making his presence known, it wasn't just me and big sissy watching the show. Yesterday was a very low stress peaceful day.

Until we got home from the fireworks...had a rough night just to balance it out. Got some bad news. Didn't get much sleep...too much stress and worry. Luckily I am off work so I got to sleep in a bit this morning and relax today. I'm trying not to stress about getting pregnant but then I'm stressed out about so many other things that I worry I'll get pregnant and lose the baby anyway.

Also, my younger sister is sort of in labour right now...she's been in labour for like a week with pains and slight dilation. Third child, third father kind of situation. I have very mixed feelings about this. A part of me is happy to have a new little niece on the way and a part of me is p'd off and upset.

Tomorrow hubby and I are headed to Niagara Falls. We even got a room with a heart shaped tub! Looking forward to some relaxing and sight seeing. Will be taking some pictures by the falls. They are so beautiful, especially at night. We are fortunate to live on the Canadian side which, no offence, is much nicer.