Coming Clean

***Warning if hearing of pregnancy is going to upset you then don't read this***


When I started this blog it was to deal with all of the grief I felt over losing my son. I have always been brutally honest, even at times when I probably sugar coated it. But that isn't me. I'm not a sugar coater. If you ask me what the dress looks like on you and it makes you look fat I will tell you you look fat. This honesty has lost me some friends in the past. I guess the reason why I haven't felt like writing too much this week is because I have been keeping a secret. Partly out of fear and partly because I love the BLM's so much and don't want to cause anyone to have an ouch moment. But if I'm going to continue to blog then I have to talk about this.
I am exactly 6 weeks pregnant as of today. I am terrified. And I am really sick!
I'm not really scared of losing the baby now (well I am but not totally)...I am scared of the 12 to 28 week period. Based on my history, two pregnancies, one living child, I feel my chances are pretty much 50/50. There is a 50% chance this little beanie will make it and a 50% chance he/she will not. I am trying to live each day at a time. Every morning I get up and say a little prayer for my Beanie. Every night I thank God for one more day with my Beanie. It's all I can do at this point. I hate feeling nauseaus but when I don't feel nauseaus I think "oh great the baby died." I'm much more calm than I thought I would be but there's still that nagging worry. That voice that says "don't tell everyone you're pregnant cause you'll have to tell them all when the baby dies." I've decided not to tell anyone at work, my two closest friends there know and Monday I will tell my supervisor and manager but everyone else can figure it out on their own. I've told some friends but not all. My Mom is under strict orders not to tell the entire family yet. Although I'm pretty sure she's disobeyed me already. I am watching the other preggo BLM's very closely now. If things go well for them then I have a green light too right? If things go south for one of them I will probably pack a miscarriage bag for the hospital just to be prepared.
And then there's Blaine and Big Sis. I know it's silly to think Blaine will think I'm trying to replace him. He doesn't have those thoughts. And we haven't told Sis yet because I don't want her to get so excited and then find out the baby died again. But then on the other hand I don't want her to miss out on the excitement either. I really don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
I know I can't spend this pregnancy doing things out of fear. I have to enjoy it like I would if I didn't have a dead baby. But if I didn't have a dead baby I wouldn't be pregnant. B was it. Two kids, unless we won the lotto.

About My Girl

I was going to write about how good I've felt lately but I almost don't want to jinx it. I've had a couple good days like this before and then crashed so who knows how I'll feel in a couple of days or weeks or hours. It's that tentative. I'm feeling pretty crappy physically. Really lethargic and like I'm getting a cold. I'm going home to bed after work which is a good excuse to blog now!
Finally picked up B's urn on Wednesday and filled it on Friday night. Been wearing it ever since. I love it. It's actually a bit heavy but there's something symbolic about the weight around my neck. My daughter is jealous that I'm wearing something for him and not her. We have matching heart necklaces so I'm going to have to put my heart pendant on with B's pendant and wear them both. Have to be fair.
I'm feeling very thankful today, for my online sisters, for my IRL friends, for my husband who is so understanding and supportive, even when I snap at the slightest thing. And especially for my little girl. I don't know if I would still be on this Earth if I hadn't had her to come home to on April 13th. I am so overwhelmed by how much she loves her little brother. A brother she never got to meet or hold or look at. And yet she mentions him everyday. He's the first person she prays for at prayer time. She tells everyone about him and she's not shy at all. Even if I wanted to forget about him she'll never let me. I'll tell her, "you know you're my favourite girl" and she'll reply "and Blaine's your favourite boy." or I'll say "I love you to the moon and back" and she'll say "and Blaine too." I love hearing her talk like that and I hope she does forever. Yesterday in church they were giving the children's story before Sunday School and they were talking about how Edison tried 5000 times to perfect the lightbulb and the teacher said "how do you think he felt after the 4999 time?" and my darling daughter yelled out "he's tired!" lol everyone laughed. That's her...big mouth, big personality, big beauty.

In Photos

Blaine's resting, forever at my side

My joy!

From Jessica

From Melissa

Sunflower in Henna

One Lovely Blog Award

thanks to Melissa for choosing my blog for the award!! Here are the rules:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

Sorry I could only choose ten as I love way more than ten!!

1. Valentina in the Sky

2. Our Journey to Bailey and Beyond

3. In Memory of Jacob

4. Little Bird

5. The Root of all Evel

6. Loving Henry (my first penpal!!)

7. The Dead Baby Club

8. A Rainbow and My Butterfly

9. Hello Goodbye

10. On KK's Butterfly Wings

Finding a Balance

I hate when I have nothing to do at work except think. I almost always end up thinking bad things. Not good.
I'm taking a little break from reading new blogs. I'm still reading the ones I've always read but I'm not adding any on. Partly because I've been so exhausted when I get home at night that I can barely stay awake through dinner. And secondly I need a break from hearing more heartbreaking stories. Before Blaine I had no idea how many different ways a baby could die. And to be honest I wish I was still that naive young woman who thought pregnancy meant life. Don't get me wrong I love my sisters that I've met and all of Blaine's Buds. But I wonder if I continue to read story after story how will I ever stop worrying? I have this idea that I need to start filling my mind and heart with positivity, a strict diet of positive thoughts. One of the first verses I memorized post Blaine was Phillipians 4: 6-8...it ends like this "whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things."
So, I am left to wonder what I should do. I can't leave the community because it sustains me in some pretty rough moments. But I need to focus on health and love and a good outcome. What is the balance?

Trust More and Fear Less

I am a huge fan of anything written by Max Lucado. I've yet to read one of his books that does not speak to me. He's the author version of Blue Rodeo in my life...every song has it's purpose. After I had my daughter I was diagnosed with post partum depression and anxiety disorder. I was able to control it without medication right up until I lost Blaine. I am now being medicated but I know that is just a band aid. I have to actually fix the insides that are anxious. The things I fear I cannot control. I cannot control whether my daughter will be kidnapped and tortoured to death. I cannot control whether she will get a disease and die. I cannot control whether I am blessed with another living child. Yet I still fret constantly about these things. Think or the worst horror movie you've seen and I've imagined that happening to someone I love. That's the main reason why as big a horror movie fan as I am I can no longer watch them. Since I had my daughter I can't sit through it without picturing her. I really don't want to be medicated for long. So, I'm trying to get my way back to the point I was at pre Blaine, when me and J.C. talked and I felt calm and more at ease (never completely but manageable). When Blaine died the first book I bought was "Fearless" by Max Lucado. I read it but didn't absorb it. It was too soon and I couldn't focus. Now I can and I'm working my way through it. What I'm working on right now is following the 7 steps to relieve yourself of the anxiety. This is in chapter 4 of the book and the acronym is aptly named "P - E - A - C - E - F - U - L" oh I love you Max!! Here is a brief rundown of each letter P = Pray First; E = Easy Now; A = Act on it; C = Compile a worry list; E = Evaluate your worry categories; F = Focus on today; U = Unleash a worry army; L = Let God be enough. This is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to give my worries to God and let him take care of them. I know he will. Since I started reading the book this time around I've actually felt a calm come over me. I'm still nervous but I haven't been catastraphizing on a daily basis like I used to. I haven't been planning that perfect bomb shelter I'll build when I win the lotto! I'm feeling much more positive and I'm confident that whatever comes my way I think I'll get through it. Me and J.C.
"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So, don't be troubled or afraid." John 14:27 NLT

Nothing Can Seperate Us

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, , nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 38, 39
posted today on Pray Date

Today has not been as bad as I thought it would be. Took my daughter to Karate this morning. Caught up on some shows I missed this week (thank goodness for pvr's) and had a nap. Bought a single sunflower at the flower shop and my daughter picked out a pink butterfly magnet. I'm having a friend over for dinner tonight and hubby is cooking a roast and all the fixins. She's bringing cupcakes. I sent my sister (not the evil one from FB who is my half sister but my stepsister who just had the baby) a copy of Blaine's footprints and memorial card. She texted me and said "thanks for the picture of my nephew." She called him her nephew!! I teared up of course. It was so sweet. It did make me feel guilty for not contacting her and asking about the new baby. I'll have to pick the baby up a little gift and let her know I'm thinking of her.
My biggest disappointment this week was that my pendant urn has not arrived in the mail yet. I really wanted to be wearing it by now. Hopefully it gets here Monday. I really don't need the drama if it gets lost in the mail or something.
Tonight I will be lighting a candle for my boy. And one for all of the other babies in Heaven who are keeping him company until Momma gets there.

Another Day

Today is a good day. My hubby came and met me at work for lunch. I love it when he does that. It's our little time together. We don't get that often so we have to sneak it in when we can. Still no AF! 29 days now. I'm debating taking a test tonight. If it's positive it might make this week a little easier but if it's negative I could come crashing down.
I realize how much I built up September 18th in my head. It really is no worse than any other day. I've put it more into perspective now and I'm not as depressed about it as I have been earlier in the week. Blaine would not have been born exactly tomorrow so why is tomorrow more significant then any other day? I think it's just that most women have their babies before the due date. So, the due date is significant in the fact that the baby should be here by now. So, when us BLM are approaching our dd without the baby it's just another reminder. He should be with me. I should be carrying him around in a carrier, I should be full with milk, I should be off work, I should be changing diapers and giving baths and shopping for cute onesies. I should I should I should.
Last night I had a very bittersweet moment with big sis. We were saying prayers at bed time and the first thing she said was "God Bless Blaine." and then she said "God Bless Penny's baby and let him come out so he doesn't die." It was so sweet that she would think of Blaine and of her new growing cousin. But so sad that at age 5 she knows babies can die. I wonder how this will affect her when she becomes a woman. Will this make her nervous when she experiences her first pregnancy? Will she love the next baby a little more? Will she love her own babies a little more? How I respond to this is bigger than me and my issues. How I respond to this is affecting her. I can show her that when we face tragedy we crumble, we don't recover, we let it overwhelm us, we give in. Or I can show her that when faced with life's worst we survive, we conquer, we become stronger, we turn to God, we turn to our sisters. We fight.

Catching Up

I haven't felt like writing much this week. Although I've forced myself to do something since I said I would every day for 365. It would have been all sadness and bitterness anyway so I figured what was the point. This is going to border on that but be a ramble.
Today is 28 days since AF so I could be pregnant. I was thinking today that I really don't remember what pregnancy feels like. It feels like so long ago. Someone asked if I felt like I was having pregnancy symptoms but I really don't remember what they are. I kind of feel nauseaus but I also feel crampy. I don't know.
I got up on the subway the other day to offer my seat to a pregnant woman. But then some young girl offered hers so instead I ended up sitting beside the preggo. I made a joke about her taking a seat when she can because people rarely offer them and she replied "oh you must have kids then" Kids plural. And I said yes. And then we stared off into space. My mind was racing, I wanted so badly to warn her. To tell her that anyday now the *&^% could hit the fan. The baby could die. She could plummett into anguish. And then I had the urge to tell her all about my kids. I came to my senses though. After all no one really wants to sit and chat on the subway.
I don't feel as sad today or as angry. I feel really tired. The pressures and scrambler of this week has caught up to me. Saturday a friend of mine is coming over. I'm going to make a nice dinner and I've asked her to stop and pick up some cupcakes. I hope she remembers because we decided we wanted to do that for B.
I have so many blogs to catch up on this week. Usually I read them at work but I've been a little busy. And I've been trying to spend more time with hubby and our daughter in the evening. I keep thinking something is going to happen to her and if it does I'll really regret not playing a game with her or reading her a story before bed. I know thats catastrophizing but this is a rough week and my anxiety has come back full swing. I've pretty much been feeling the same as I did in May and June. Before the meds. Meds aren't working this week.

One Page Complete

This is one of the pages of scrapbooking I am doing. This one has the first verse to "the Dance" by Garth Brooks written out over and over again to cover the page. And I've included the 4x6 card my Dad made and the front and back of the card the funeral home made. (That's my table cloth in the background, of course I had to buy one with sunflowers!!)

Waves of Emotion

Today the bitterness has really sunk in. I found myself wondering how many zoloft it would take to put me in a coma for a week. (no I am not suicidal) I can't function today and today is only day one of what looks to be a week from hell. Today is 5 months since Blaine entered the human world dead. Or at least I think he was dead, wouldn't know since I didn't even look at him. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Saturday is D day. Today was brutal. There were no shining moments. Just a ball of bitterness and anger. And of course there were preggos everywhere. Everywhere I went. Can they not take one day off? And you know what is going to happen? I've realized I'm going to spend all week wondering if I'm pregnant and then AF is going to come on Saturday. You know she's like that. If she comes this month I'm welcoming her with a bottle of tequila. Today was the first day since I've been on my meds that I've had chest pains from anxiety. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and scream but I can't. I don't want to make any decisions this week. I don't want to think about anything else but Blaine. I want to feel close to him this week. I hope his urn arrives before Saturday. I got incredibly bitter today thinking about all of the abusive mothers out there who don't deserve to conceive children. I was just walking along and these thoughts came in my head. All of these horrible people who should be dead themselves never mind out there breeding while my son lies in a box in ashes. Literally in ashes. I've thought all day I should pray and ask God for some strength but I don't know if I want to. Not this week. This week I want to feel it. I want to feel the pain and the anger and the raw grief. I want to look like I just got hit by a bus. I want to have sleepless nights. I want to suffer. I can't explain why it just feels like I should. How dare I have any good moments this week. I don't want Him to take my pain away. Not yet. I need it this week. I need to feel B with me this week and the pain is one of the few things I have left. Hubby and I had a bit of a bickering. We were in the store trying to decide what to have for dinner and he says "get something to make you feel better." And every inch of me wanted to scream, "oh, I didn't know a microwavable dinner would bring B back to life!!" I didn't and insisted he pick out something for dinner because my brain is jelly right now but he wouldn't. Ugh!!! I know he means well and I love him for caring about me so much but stop asking me what's wrong. It is always the same thing. My son is dead. That's what's wrong. That's what was wrong two months ago and a day ago and 5 years from now. Life is wrong.

Was It You Blaine?

B, I spent most of this weekend thinking of you and all of the things at Papa's you would have loved! It was a good weekend and Daddy and I had lots of fun with Big Sis. But I missed you. I took your ashes and footprints with me. Of course it wasn't enough. Daddy and I kept saying how next year things will be different because we'll have a baby with us. This year things should be different! It's not fair that you're gone. I was sitting with Daddy on this big rock over looking the lake and just started freestyling this poem to you. I'm not much of a poet but I'm your Momma so I'm sure you'll like it anyway!

Was It You

Was it you in the rustle of the leaves turning yellow
Was it you crackling branches in the trees
Was it you who kept reminding me you weren't so far away

Were you the bird who kept flying in front
Were you the butterfly who stayed too late
Were you the bunny who hopped in Sissy's path

Was it you

Was it you who whispered I love you in the breeze
Was it you who washed over the stones on the shore
Was it you who woke me from my very bad dream

Were you the big white moth that tried to get in
Were you in the stands with us while Daddy played ball
Were you in the stars over the campfire

Was it you?

I realized this weekend all of the things that remind me of you: bunnies, monarch butterflies, "waves over stones" or any water lapping up on a shore, sunflowers, yellow. I saw you every where and I know you were there. I knew it was you.

Love you baby boy. xoxo

Loneliness

I really have no reason to be lonely. I am surrounded everyday by people who care about me and only wish me the best. But I can't shake that feeling. Maybe it is because my EDD is approaching and I am not pregnant, not with Blaine and not with Pheonix (what I call my rainbow baby). I went out Tuesday night with a friend for wine and dessert. It was really really nice. Just two moms chatting about work and kids. Even Blaine. She even toasted to him which I thought was really sweet. And she didn't act weird when I teared up. And she didn't cringe when I said "dead baby." I had lunch with two work friends yesterday and when I mentioned Blaine they got quiet and put their heads down. I know there's a huge difference between work friends and real life friends so I didn't expect to have the same conversation with them. But I didn't expect them to get so uncomfortable. When I mentioned my daughter they asked me questions and wanted to know all about her. Well that's not far. If you don't want to hear about one of my children then you can't ask about either of them. All or nothing. We had our group therapy Wednesday night and it was nice. I got to tell them all about Blaine's ashes and one mother asked me to describe them to her since she has her daughter's ashes but has never opened the box. I described them in great detail just like a proud mother would describe her beautiful child. So, in general I had a pretty decent week but can't seem to shake this feeling of loneliness. Maybe this weekend at my father in laws will help. It's such a calming enviroment. This morning I've been working on feeling closer to God. If anyone can cure my loneliness it's him. I've always liked songs that remind me of God but are contemporary pop or country songs. This morning I've been thinking of this one by Miley Cyrus (eye roll inserted here).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wxOVn99FTE&ob=av3e

There That Wasn't So Bad

For a Tuesday I can't complain. I actually forgot it was Tuesday until my lunch break. Then I was taking a walk and remembered. But instead of being sad this time I was actually relieved and a bit happy. I'm glad it didn't stick me like a knife to remember. I really only had one ouchy moment today. Today is back to school for most kids and as I stood waiting for an elevator, staring blankly at the tv I saw on the news a lucky mom dropping her kid off at school, carrying a little baby in a sling. Ouch. That should be me. I should have Blaine in a sling. We should have walked big sis to school today, maybe his first outing since coming home from the hospital? Would have been a really nice way to spend my day. Instead I am working. Are all of these "what if's" and "if only's" going to last forever? Will I ever be able to pass a milestone or celebrate a special occasion again without wondering what it would be like to have B with me? To be sad that something is missing. I worked slowly on my scrapbook page last night. Can't do anymore tonight because I am going out for a well needed glass of wine and creme brulee! And I am starting a new project up on the DBC so will need to work on that later.
Can't wait to go up north this weekend and spend sometime with Blaine's Papa. Oh how he would have loved his grandson. I wonder if Blaine would have run to him and hugged him as hard as big sis does.

Scrapbooking

I have started to round up all of the resources I need for scrapbooking Blaine's brief life. I chose the paper, not exactly what I wanted but it's nice. I've chosen what is going to go on the paper...on page for his life and one for his death. For his life I'll have his ultrasound photo, a photo of me pregnant and a little synopsis of my pregnancy. For his death I'll have the metal tag he was cremated with, the memorial card from the funeral home and his footprints. In the background I'm going to write out the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. I may do a page of the butterfly release we went to in June. And that's it. That's pretty depressing. Once I have everything gathered it'll take about two hours to do these pages. I almost don't want to start because I don't want to finish. But I want to do them and have them hanging up. Along side photos of Big Sis. It's just sad that I don't get to do a lifetime of scrapbooking. I get two maybe three pages. Too brief.
My rant for today...a fellow BLM created a FB event to remind everyone of October 15th. I invited all of my "friends" and half jokingly said if they chose not to attend I would delete them. It is clearly marked as a virutal event. That's even in capitals so it's pretty clear. And now I am left with the question, do I delete the people, including my own brother, who said "not attending?" Either they didn't even bother to read the event and just automatically put not attending because they can't take time out of their precious lives. Or, they read it and aren't smart enough to understand what "virtual event" means. Either way do I want them as "friends?" Either they're really dumb or they're self absorbed. Which is worse? I've already deleted some cold hearted people from my FB. Today I deleted the "friend" who said she'd do a photo of B's name for me and then couldn't be bothered.

What I Need Right Now

I briefly spoke about my new needs in a previous post and I've posted the "A Letter from Women to Their Friends and Family" written Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer. I have new needs and wants that I never had before. I've always been what I consider to be very strong. I've always been able to put on a poker face and dismiss any kind of hardships. I was tough. I don't involve myself in drama, I don't associate with people who thrive on conflict or gossip. I was level headed, sometimes detached and a bit of a loner. That suited me just fine. Then I descended. And now I am an emotional wreck. I've only felt this way once before and that was during an emotionally abusive relationship and even then it was just around him, not anyone else. Now I can barely get through the day without crying. Even during the good ones I sometimes have tears of joy. I need for the people who love me and know me to understand that I am not the same Elaine you knew on April 12th. Post April 13th Elaine is a different woman. And to be honest I like her better. I don't like being on an emotional scrambler. But there are a lot of new things I've discovered about myself that I would not give back. And this is my new reality. I am the mother of a dead baby and the mother of a living daughter. I am both and whether I am blessed with another living child or not, that will not change. Here are some things I want you to know...

I didn't choose this. I would give anyone or anything in my life other than my daughter to have my son back.
I am not being a drama queen. I am moody and emotional but it's not for attention. I just can't help it.
Please don't stop asking me to do things. I know I've been saying no to almost every invite but that is because the physical effects of grief and depression have left me sore and aching and exhausted. I simply don't have the energy most days to go out to a party or dinner. It's not that I don't want to because I want to so badly.
I know it is hard for you to understand how I feel about my son. He was just an abstract idea to you...a pregnancy not a child. But he moved inside me, he fed off my body. I did not lose a 17 week old fetus, I lost a baby, toddler, teenager, son, grandson, daughter in law, granddaughter, lifetime of memories and dreams.
Please don't think I am dwelling on the negative. I am also celebrating every moment I had. What may seem morbid to you is my way of coping.
I will never get over this. While it will get easier with time I will never move on.
I want to talk about Blaine. I want you to ask me about Blaine. I want you to ask me if you can see his things when you are at my home.
I need to know that you will never forget him. I need to know that this has had an impact on you.
I want you to talk to Abigail about her brother. Do not think that it will hurt her. She is a precious spirit who loves her brother. She mentions him every day and it doesn't cause her pain.
You know I am not used to asking for things. I am a proud woman. It's hard for me to ask someone for a favour or for their time (well except my parents I still rely on them far too much) Most of what I have done for Blaine I did alone because I didn't want to bother anyone. So, offer your time to me. Offer to take me for a coffee. Offer to come to my home and visit. Offer to help me find some new way to memorialize my son.
Understand that I am changed. I am not the strong woman I was. I am fragile. I don't know how long I will feel this way but for the time being I need you to be a little more sensitive. And I may be a little more clingy and needy. I have a hard time most days deciding on what to make for dinner so please don't ask me anything more complex than that!
Please read my blog. Thanks Liz for reading this everyday!! You have no idea how much it means to me that a "real life" friend is watching.

That's all I can really think of right now. My mind was racing with this after the dead baby email I got the other day. But that person wasn't really a friend so this wouldn't apply.

On a lighter note, I am going up north next Friday. Some of you asked me to do name photos for your babies, if you want one and forgot to email me please do so by Wednesday... lilyorange2@yahoo.ca

My Boy's Feet

This is something me and my Dad made. Those are Blaine's actual footprints. The funeral home made us some stationary but I wanted to make something on my own. As soon as I saw his little big feet I remembered reading this saying on another BLM's blog. Blaine has certainly left an imprint in my life. And I hope in the lives of the people who care for me and my family. The sunflowers were a fitting addition as he is my sunflower. Leaning up towards the light. Here for a brief moment in time. Mommy misses you B. Please send me some extra love and hugs as your EDD approaches. Take Father by the hand and tell him your Momma needs some good news and an extra angel on her shoulder this month. I love you.

The Scrambler Part Deux

Shhh...I'm blogging at work..hehe. Today was an exceptionally good day. After two weeks of emotional lows and a probable ecotopic pregnancy, yesterday was refreshing. And a good day I really needed to have. I was surprisingly well rested and optimistic when I woke up in the morning. Got to work and had a really good morning, not too busy but just enough. Some good laughs. Went out for lunch with my friend to the farmer's market. I bought myself two big beautiful sunflowers. Afternoon started off really well. I just felt at peace. I'm feeling optimistic that I'm going to get preggo this month. I feel like the darkness that surrounded me the past few days is gone. I feel like this is my month. I deserve some good news and I've been a pretty good person so karma should be catching up to me. I know this sounds incredibly naive but it's what I'm trying to make myself believe right now! I have to believe in the positive. That good things are coming my way.
There was only one glitch in my almost perfect day yesterday. I got an email from a coworker. One of those stupid chain things that people pass around. Usually they don't bother me. But this one was warning all us woman that carrying our cell phones around can actually cause miscarriage and infertility. Really? I was shocked, did she seriously send me this email? I had three options, 1: get up and punch her in the throat...2: take a walk and cool off...3: reply back to all in the email and say something like "do you think that's why my baby died? the doctors couldn't explain it maybe you can?" I wisely opted for number 2, took a walk to the bathroom shut myself in the stall screamed into some toilet paper and cried for a minute. This was the first time I had cried at work since I've been back from my 5 week mental hiatus. I know she didn't mean any harm. She didn't think about it. And that's it. She didn't think about it because she has probably already forgotten. I don't know what peeved me off more...the fact that she sent a careless email without thinking of who she was sending it to or the stupid email itself. Yes, ladies according to the person who wrote the email, I'm sure they're a celebrated and award winning doctor, prolonged exposure to cell phones causes miscarriage. Phew, I'm glad there's a good reason for all the dead babies out there. I was able to actually cool off after about an hour and put things in perspective. But for that one hour I was seething and she is very lucky I was at work. And that I have extremely good self control. I'm a Jasper when it comes to controlling my emotions, hardly any outbursts at all. (I'm reading Twilight for the 6th time sorry). It got me thinking about what I really want and need from people. I'm not going to compile it all here because I am at work and this is getting to be a long post already.
I was able to salvage the day though, my supervisor met with me because she heard about what happened. My friend Lisa was appalled at the email and sent my supervisor a note about it. Joking around with my supervisor always brightens my mood. She has been so supportive and such a good friend, leader and mentor.
So, a minor snag but today I am feeling really good again. It may just be another ride on the Scrambler but if it is and I'm going to crash again I plan on enjoying this while I can!

Stuff That Sucks

Something sad happened. Shocking right? My home computer crashed about a month ago. Something about the motherboard, I don't know. I actually killed two motherboards at work already this year so that might be it. Anyways, so the guy was able to save most of the stuff we had on the computer and most of my pictures. But of course since this is Elaine and it's 2010, the year of hell, all of my photos of Blaine's name were lost. All of the nice photos BLM's made for me. I luckily have most saved either on here or on FB but I didn't save them all online. There are a couple that are now lost. I don't understand how, this computer guy we use sucks but my hubby likes him because he rarely charges us for services...maybe because his service sucks. That's what I get for not putting them all in an online album when I had the chance.
My heart really goes out to all of the BLM's who don't have living children. And if hearing about living children bothers you please stop reading. I really don't know how they cope. Most days I am not too bitter but there are days when I am so bitter the mere mention of a pregnant woman or baby makes me seethe. Today was one of those days. I could hear this woman going on and on and on about a baby and I just wanted to scream for her to shut her pie hole. I have a living child and yet some days I hate the sight and sound of anything to do with kids. (except her) Kids, plural, are just a reminder that my plural is gone. My daughter doesn't get to tell her friends about all of the new things her baby brother is learning. She gets to tell her friends she has a brother in Heaven. She gets to explain that Momma was pregnant and the baby died. She takes books to daycare to "read" to the smaller kids (she can't really read yet but likes to and that's just how sweet she is) instead of reading her little brother a bedtime story. I watch her at the park in the wading pool or splash pad and she always goes to the little ones. Her voice gets really high pitch, kind of sounds like Elmo, and she talks to them "hi baby" "what are you doing baby." Babies and puppies fill her with joy like nothing I have ever seen. I am angry on her behalf. I am bitter on her behalf. One mother at the wading pool said her five year old won't ever play with the baby, she was so happy Abby was. So, why didn't that five year old lose her brother? It's not fair to Abby. Five years old and she already knows sometimes life just sucks.