Was It You Blaine?

B, I spent most of this weekend thinking of you and all of the things at Papa's you would have loved! It was a good weekend and Daddy and I had lots of fun with Big Sis. But I missed you. I took your ashes and footprints with me. Of course it wasn't enough. Daddy and I kept saying how next year things will be different because we'll have a baby with us. This year things should be different! It's not fair that you're gone. I was sitting with Daddy on this big rock over looking the lake and just started freestyling this poem to you. I'm not much of a poet but I'm your Momma so I'm sure you'll like it anyway!

Was It You

Was it you in the rustle of the leaves turning yellow
Was it you crackling branches in the trees
Was it you who kept reminding me you weren't so far away

Were you the bird who kept flying in front
Were you the butterfly who stayed too late
Were you the bunny who hopped in Sissy's path

Was it you

Was it you who whispered I love you in the breeze
Was it you who washed over the stones on the shore
Was it you who woke me from my very bad dream

Were you the big white moth that tried to get in
Were you in the stands with us while Daddy played ball
Were you in the stars over the campfire

Was it you?

I realized this weekend all of the things that remind me of you: bunnies, monarch butterflies, "waves over stones" or any water lapping up on a shore, sunflowers, yellow. I saw you every where and I know you were there. I knew it was you.

Love you baby boy. xoxo

Sunflower of my Heart

"Believe Me If All Those Endearing Young Charms" by the poet Thomas Moore:

"...the heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close, As the sunflower turns on her god, when he sets, The same look which she turned when he rose. "

The sunflower signifies pure thoughts. It symbolizes adoration and dedication. It is symbolic of dedicated love. (description found here)

I didn't realize that the sunflower is the flower of the third wedding anniversary. I celebrated my third wedding anniversary on April 14. One day after Blaine died. My son. My sunflower. I'm not exactly sure why these flowers make me think of him. I was never a big fan before. I had a friend years ago who loved sunflowers...I hope she still does. Maybe I like them because they're yellow. They stand tall and proud as I imagine he would have as a man. They are beautiful and strong, standing up against the rain and wind. They are seasonal. When the dark and cold winter comes they are gone.

I've had a pretty bitter day. Went out for lunch at work with my group. Kept thinking it should have been a lunch for me leaving on my maternity leave. Had cupcakes at the party to celebrate two people leaving our office. Should have been cupcakes with blue icing for Blaine. Was bitter about my cousin being pregnant but I have gotten over that and can now honestly say I am a little excited. Worried for her since she is young and single. But I will be there for her. I have to be. As hard as it will be for me I cannot let her do this alone, I would never forgive myself. I know how scared she is and shocked. I was only 26 when I got pregnant the first time too. I am trying to let go of the bitterness so I have been looking up items of meaning. Sunflowers, colours and scripture. I am enjoying this scripture right now and trying to hold it in my heart and erase the week I've had.

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

I am going to cuddle up with my son's ashes, watch General Hospital and cry myself to sleep.

Weekend Away

Our little family spent the weekend away. I actually missed being on here and blogging and reading about all of you. That's weird isn't it? But it was nice to get out of the city and be somewhere quiet and peaceful. I've just spent sometime catching up on all the blogs I've been missing for two days. Will post some pics tomorrow that I took for Blaine. Lots of great scenery up there. Spent a lot of energy trying to get a butterfly to cooperate and let me photograph it. Missed him way too much.

A Random Act of Kindness

I'm glad I postponed writing today until this evening. I took my daughter to the wading pool at the park. I'm sitting there minding my own business when out of nowhere comes this beautiful little boy. He couldn't have been more than 18 months. He was walking but not steady, still wobbly. He walked right up to me grinning from ear to ear. And then he did the kindest thing a little boy could ever do for a dead baby momma. He put his arms around me and gave me a huge hug. I almost burst into tears. It was so sweet. His dad of course came running over apologizing about how friendly he was. I couldn't really say anything. I just said "no problem, he's such a sweetheart." And then the dad ushered him away but he kept looking back at me and smiling.

I try not to look for signs. Yes, it seems like I see more Monarch butterflies this year but maybe that's just because I didn't notice them before. But I've had more than one instance in my life where I've felt that something or someone was showing me something. Just last week when I am 80% certain I had another miscarriage I was walking over to the doctors office and two things happened. I was in a pretty pitiful mood. And out of nowhere comes this little puppy dog. He starts following me and jumping on me wanting to play. I had to walk him back towards his house because he wouldn't leave my side and go back to his owner. And then I didn't walk more than ten feet away from him and a butterfly flew right smack into my face. Were they sent to cheer me up? Was the little guy at the park sent to give me the hug that Blaine cannot?

Maybe it's cheesy but I hope so.

After I dropped Big Sis off at daycare today I was walking home in another pretty pitiful mood. And this voice came into my head and I am convinced the thoughts were put in my head by God. He was saying to me more than once "why are you in such despair? do you not know where he is? do you not know he is safe with me?" And of course I answered I know where he is and that he is perfectly happy and safe. But I am here and I am not. And the voice asked the same things over and over the entire walk home and each time I could not deny that I knew my son was perfectly happy where he was. The problem is that I am impatient, I am scared, I am sad, I am wanting him here with me. So, the voice and I did not get anything resolved this morning. But then he sent this little boy to give me a hug. One random act of kindness that has given this sad momma a smile and a sigh of happiness.