Living on a Prayer

"we're halfway there oh oh living on a prayer take my hand we'll make it I swear oh oh living on a prayer" "you live for the fight when that's all that you got"

Okay cheesy song I know I know. I keep hearing it though. It's become my mantra for the remainder of this pregnancy. Caleb and I are living on a prayer. We're going to make it. He seems to like it too. I put it on and he danced around. Of course, that could have been the ice cream sandwich I just ate but either way he's moving! Mom's content for another few hours.

I have pretty much decided how I want my labour to go. Who is going to be there and my perfect scenario. We don't always get what we want so who knows what will actually happen. I do know that I have the perfect midwife. She's almost 6 years old and will most likely bring her stuffed bunny with her for moral support. Abby insists that she will be there. She says she will help me through it by holding my hand, pushing down on my stomach to "pop" the baby out, and she insists on cutting the umbilical cord. She now comes to all my dr appt with me. She has decided she wants to be a dr when she grows up. I had to get an swab test done "down there" last time and she was right there looking, no fear or squimishness, just pure curiousity. My mom will be there to look after her if that changes once she seems me screaming in pain.
And of course hubby will be by my (our) side. When I delivered Abby I used him as a punching bag so I'm a little nervous for him! With Abby and with Blaine my labours were long (21 and 31 hours) and he was by my side for most of that time, pacing, pacing, pacing. A little annoying but I guess that's what Daddies do. I can't wait to see him hold his boy for the first time. And then he's all mine! I don't plan on putting him down until he gets married! We're going to try to go naturally, no pain meds, no interventions. Hopefully hubby won't leave the hospital with too many bruises.
Now we are just playing the waiting game. I am full term as of today. Is it wrong to give your child an eviction notice? Hey Caleb, you have one week to vacate my womb!! `

36 weeks...Almost

Eye on the prize. I can almost see it now, bringing home a little baby. A living, squirming, farting, crying, eating, pink little boy. My anxiety right now is through the roof. Every pain is something wrong. Every two hours I'm counting his movements. Sunday was rough. He wasn't moving like he normally does and I thought for sure my placenta had seperated and he was suffocating. I had a total breakdown and just started crying. My hubby must think I'm insane sometimes! I know I know I'm a drama queen. He paid me back by staying up after midnight, keeping me up by bouncing on my bladder and stomach so I had to pee and eat a handful of antacids. Yesterday he was back to normal. I figure it was because I had an upset stomach on Sunday and that was probably affecting him too. Last night again with the heartburn though. I didn't fall asleep until after 1am. I understand 100% how lucky I am right now. I would not give this up for anything in the world. BUT... I am soooo tired of being pregnant!! Not just for physical reasons but for emotional as well. I just want him home with us. I just want him safe. I don't trust this body of mine. It's actually kind of funny because as I got to this point with my daughter I just wanted to keep her inside me. As eager as I was to meet her, I knew she was safe there and the world suddenly seemed so strange and dangerous. I thought "let me just be pregnant forever." This is the opposite. The longer Caleb stays inside me the greater his chance of dying inside me. My body has killed half of my children. I have to get him out. We washed all of his clothes on Sunday and put them in his drawer. My hospital bag is packed. Saturday is my baby shower. He can come anytime after that.

Now and Then

This is me last Easter. It's strange because of the difference in the day Easter falls on. Even though Blaine's been gone more than a year now. Last Easter I was still pregnant. This is actually one of the only two photos I have of me pregnant with Blaine. Abby and I lived in the park that weekend. And it was the first weekend the ice cream shop was open so we were there too. I remember thinking how we'd spend A LOT of time at the shop during the summer, me getting nice and fat with baby. Blaine was already Blaine in my heart and mind. We forgot that the stores weren't open on Sunday and ended up with no Easter dinner. I had the Monday off work though and Abby had the Monday off school so we made our family dinner then. I was craving mashed potatoes and gravy almost everyday at that point. I had a doctors appt that Monday and Abby accompanied me. We listened to Blaine's heartbeat. It was strong and beautiful and we were so excited. A week later I was in the hospital.
This Easter has been rough because of all of the remembering. You really can't shake the "last year at this time" feeling. Abby and I are getting ready to head over to the park. We may hit the ice cream shop. We're having our dinner tonight and coincidentally I have a doctors appt again tomorrow. Abby will be off school and will come and listen to Caleb's heartbeat with me. At least if I end up in the hospital next weekend the baby will make it (or so I pray).

Don't Jinx It

I'm in a slightly better mood today. Maybe it's because I'm listening to Blue Rodeo and they always make me feel good.

I love the line "Second Sons are the wandering ones so we were the best of friends I never felt more like myself than when I stood beside him then." Caleb, are you going to be a wanderer? I often wonder how his personality will be changed by the fact that he's a Pheonix baby. I absolutely hate it when people have kids born with jobs. Like, the marriage is suffering so they have a baby or they're parents don't love them so they have a baby. The baby is supposed to be the fixer. And here I am carrying a baby with a job. Caleb isn't born yet and he has had a huge responsibility. Stay alive. Come home in a car seat not a green plastic bag. He has to move around when mom gets anxious so she knows he's alive. He had to learn to respond to my pokes and calls. He has to come home with us so that Mom doesn't go insane; so Daddy can have a little ball player to show off and someone to cheer for his favourite hockey team with; so Sissy can have a lifelong bestfriend and playmate. He has the most important job in the world and he's only 5 pounds. I'm surprised I'm not wrecked with guilt over that. Instead it just leaves me wondering about how it will change him. Will he be kinder, more gentle, more of a gentleman, more cautious? Will he look out for his family more, knowing they have already lost so much? Or will he be a reckless adventurer? Determined to soak up every bit of life because he knows how fleeting it is. I can't read the poem "A Different Child" without tearing up. I love this part:

"May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on Earth"

and also this part:

"I am only here
Because my mother had the courage to try again."

Dark Day

If you know what the weather is here in the Tdot then you know it perfectly fits my mood today. Gloomy, cold, grey. I feel I've fallen into a pit of loneliness. I feel so alone in my grief and remembrance right now. I don't really have any reason in particular for this. But that's grief right? Sometimes it's timing is imperfect. Or maybe it is just because I felt so utterly abandoned this past week. It's sad to me that IRL there were four of us that remembered Blaine's birthday. And as I said I can't be too surprised, I don't remember everyone's bdays. My cousins have tons of kids and I don't even know the months of all of their bdays. So, it's not like I expected family from all over the country to reach out. But I did actually expect my mother to. Or my sister. Or dad. Maybe it was just too much to ask of them. And I won't mention it because I don't need people thinking of my son out of pity. If they don't remember him on their own then I'm not going to try to force them to. Now I'm at a point where I'm pretty much bitter. Bitter, sad and lonely. I feel like I've just become a burden to my husband. As good as he's been and is he'll never admit it though. This is where I'm at though. There is a huge myth in the pregnancy loss world that getting pregnant after a loss will make things easier. I admit finding out I was pregnant with Caleb the day before Blaine's EDD was a help. Being pregnant on Blaine's birthday though made it much worse. Not only did I have to mourn my son but I had to worry about what that mouring and anxiety was doing to the son I was supposed to be nourishing. What effect does this grief and sadness have on little Caleb's heart and soul? It just added more guilt and anxiety to an already rough day. Not saying I wish I wasn't pregnant right now but for anyone who thinks it's a fix, it isn't. It will at times actually make you feel worse. I know I have so much to look forward to in the next month. I also know that I'm going to have times when I just want to cut everyone out of me and my kids lives and retreat.

Life Lessons

I have learnt so many things this past year. Namely the following, in no particular order, please bare with the obvious sarcasm in some points.

1. Your body has an endless supply of tears and snot.

2. Strangers are sometimes the kindest friends.

3. It is possible to feel an immense amount of joy and an immense amount of pain at the exact same moment.

4. I can survive, the question has always been more like "do I want to?"

5. It is possible to love a human being so small they can fit in the palm of your hand.

6. Logic cannot exist in the same moment as grief.

7. The approximate time for others to grieve and move past the death of your child is one week. After that you are on your own.

8. God is good and loving, even when you hate him.

9. Guilt is a disease and needs to be treated like one.

10. You will feel an immense amount of pride and love at the simplest of things, like seeing your child's name written out by a stranger. (see point 2)

11. There are few things better in life than receiving "Blaine Mail." It never even makes it to the elevator before it's ripped open.

12. My husband has endless amounts of patience and doesn't mind if his shirts are soaked in tears.

13. My daughter is a one of the kindest souls I have ever known.

14. Having post partum depression but no baby at home isn't worth it.

15. There are far far too many dead babies in the world.

That's what I can think of for now. Of course, I have learnt so much about human behaviour and about myself. I've always been very observant of people and can always read people within minutes of meeting them. The one thing that has surprised me throughout this journey is the true sisterhood of the BLM. I've always been very skeptical of the internet and people who find friendships and love online. That all changed when I started looking for answers back in May 2010. The internet really became my go to guide on loss and healing. I guess the number one thing I learnt this year is that angels exist where you least expect them and God truly does work in mysterious ways.

A Happier Anniversary

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary. I feel sad that our wedding anniversary will forever be overshadowed by Blaine's birthday, such a bittersweet event. It's hard to focus on doing something fun and meaningful with hubby. But we try. Even last year, the day after, we made sure we went out for lunch together. Today we're not doing anything special but we're going for a nice dinner on Saturday to one of our fav steak houses. I think I fell in love with my husband all over again last year. Even the sad times like watching him cry or hearing him cry in the shower made me feel more for him. The way he took care of me the weeks after. We got into a routine of him giving me a massage everynight the weeks after Blaine died. I really relied on him and I worried that I needed him too much. But he never faltered. He was always there, loving me and caring for me and being the best friend and support system I needed. Now, a year later I feel we are much closer. They say that losing a child can tear a couple apart because men and women grieve so differently and on different timelines. But for us it has done the opposite. We may not grieve the same but he has always tried to understand what I'm going through and has always tried to be whatever I needed to get through the day. He may not understand my irrational fears or ocd fixation on some things but he accepts them and doesn't give me a hard time. I can't thank God enough for bringing me this man. We are total opposites, me being a book smart, kind of nerd, anxious homebody, more comfortable with a book than a live person. And he's an outgoing, social butterfly, jock who loves to be around people and has 300+ friends on FB! We make it work though because it's important to us. We may not always think the same but we want the same. I hope I get to celebrate Anniversary 44 with him!

Birthday Celebrations

To my boy Blaine on his first birthday, Momma wishes you the best birthday party ever! Eat as much cake as you can stomach and play with all of your friends. Your friends are too many to name here but I know they are with you, just as their mommy's are here with me.

This wasn't as bad as I expected. Yesterday was actually much much worse. The grief demons reared the ugly head and I barely kept it together yesterday. There were some very dark moments and thoughts. I had tears brimming in my eyes or falling down my cheeks all day. I dropped my daughter off at school and walked over to the plaza to do some shopping. I just couldn't go home by myself. I walked past the funeral home. I cried throughout my walk and my shopping. I picked my daughter up and managed to keep it together until she went to bed. Had to go to the washroom a couple of times to dry my eyes. Once she went to bed I let myself crumble. And crumble I did, full on sobbing, ugly cry. Letting myself do that may be one of the reasons why today was not as hard. Maybe I cried myself out. April 12th was also much worse than April 13th.

Blaine's actual birth day was very anti climatic. He was born around 8:40 am and by lunch we were at home. We spent the day doing regular family things. We ordered in dinner, the same restaurant we ate at both when we found out we were having Abby and when we found out we were having Blaine. April 12th was much worse. We were at the hospital the entire day, waiting, exams, waiting, more exams, waiting. I guess it makes sense that the memories I have of the 12th are much worse than the ones of the 13th. Today I found myself more at peace. I had some bitter moments. My cousin had her baby on the weekend and decided today was a good day to send me pics. Yes, the 25 yr old cousin who lives with her mom and got pregnant via one night stand with some guy from work who isn't even around anymore.

Other than BLM's and my friend Liz no one remembered. I can't say I blame them, I don't remember all of my friend's and family's birthdays. Blaine was just not significant to the rest of them. Hubby stayed home from work and we took our girl to school and then we went out for lunch together. It was nice to have him with me. We picked up our cupcakes that I ordered for today. The pic of them is below. We ate them after school and that made me a little sad. Sad that there was no one year old here to make a mess of himself! But in many ways he is here and always will be. And I love him as much today as I ever have. And miss him just as much.

One Year

I kept waking up throughout the night remembering. One year ago I wiped and there was blood; one year ago I stood in the doorway to my bedroom and told my hubby "I'm bleeding;" one year ago we had just gotten to the hospital; one year ago we were placed in a room; one year ago Sasquatch came and told me I was having a miscarriage. And so on and so on. One year ago at this time I had already been in the hospital labouring for just over 8 hours. One year ago at this time I was waiting for my baby to die. We were still in the ER room. Today will be filled with those reminders. I would love nothing more than to curl up in my bed right now and sleep until Thursday. If I weren't pregnant I may consider getting drunk by noon. I wish I had a photo or something tangible to touch and look at from my time at the hospital. Normally when you labour for 31 hours and you sit remembering the experience you have a baby to touch and look at. I just wanted it to be over with though. I wanted out of the bed and out of the hospital. I knew I couldn't save him so my instinct was to protect myself. That didn't work so well. Everything I did to "protect" myself made things 100% worse once it was all over with. The guilt ate and at times still eats at me. If I have to relive it all why can't I go back and redo it all? I doubt that I will ever forget the sequence of events or the feelings that I went through as I waited. The waiting was the cruelest part. You would think things like this would happen quickly. Not for me though, I had to labour for 31 hours before Blaine was "born." I just lied in that hospital bed waiting. My hubby took me for a walk around the floor but other than trips to the bathroom that was it. He went for a couple of walks but other than that he never left my side. My hubby has this thing with hospitals. He won't sit. So for most of the time he was pacing or standing over me. Finally at about 9pm he sat down and luckily he did let himself sleep some through the second night. It wasn't just tough on me. I could see it in his eyes. I'm sure he's spending today remembering in his own way what he was doing and feeling a year ago today.

This weekend we went to GWL for a little family fun. This is me with my 33 week belly! I love that the sunflowers were in the background. It's a pic of me with both my boys! We had a great time and it definitely took some stress and pressure off of this coming Wednesday. Just being able to watch Abby laugh and have fun was worth every penny we spent and goes such a long way in keeping my mind on the positive. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her, or without the hubby I have. Any other man may have left me by now! My daughter is a rock for me, even though she's totally unaware. I hope one day she knows how just her mere presence in my life has saved me from so much darkness.

Work Wrap up

I'm sitting here at work, not working but waiting for hubby to come get me. He's nice like that. One less subway trip for me! I otherwise wouldn't be staying until five on my second last day. I've actually been feeling a bit "better" these past two days. Sometimes just having the meltdown can help. Just knowing that in a couple of more days I don't have to "fake" through life anymore helps. I will miss some of the people here though. There are really good people here who have cared for me this past year. The guy beside me who worries about me whenever I'm late or off for the day. I basically have to tell him my schedule so he doesn't think the worst when I'm not here at 9am. The girls who took me to lunch or out for a drink and offered their ears and shoulders. A friend who gave me a beautiful card and gift when we found out we were expecting Caleb, to keep me thinking positively, eye on the prize. The guy that stood in front of me my first day back after Blaine with tears in his eyes getting me all caught up on what I missed. Most people never directly said anything about it but they did things to show that they cared and they were thinking of me. That has meant so much. This pregnancy has really made me the centre of attention, which I don't mind saying I like!, and I know they're rooting for me and our boy. While I'm soo soo soo excited to be taking the year off I will miss these people.

Keeping it Together

I barely kept it together today. I had tears in my eyes all day. I sat at lunch eating my burger and fries and had to physically bite my mouth to keep the tears from coming. Work luckily was not stressful today. I think I would have walked out if I had to deal with anymore. I just keep thinking about next Wednesday and how well I am NOT handling it. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone, I wish I didn't have to work. I just want to be at home with Abby and hubby. I just want to have a breakdown. I'm tired of being composed. I stood in the bathroom today and wondered how long I could lock myself in the stall for before anyone noticed I was missing. Unfortunately that wouldn't be long since I'm the go to person for everyone in the dept who doesn't know what they're doing. Well three more days and then I can wallow.

My View of Heaven

Today I have been thinking a lot about what Blaine's life is like in Heaven. I don't question the existence of God or Heaven at all. As a BLM what would I do if I did? What would be the point if I weren't going to see him again one day? I like to think of Blaine as waiting for me, visiting me from time to time, preparing for my homecoming. On the other hand though I like to think that Heaven is on a different timeline than here, like when you fall asleep and wake up you don't realize how much time has passed. So, in Heaven I am already there and we are already together. There is no waiting. When you get there you have always and will always be there. I picture it a lot like in the end of the Chronicles of Narnia. We'll have houses and live like we do here, it'll just be perfect and God will be there, accessible. Before Blaine when I pictured myself in Heaven I would always be fishing with Jesus or something. Now I can't picture myself doing anything but holding my boy. Four more days of work. Today was stressful. I'm trying to take it easy and keep in mind that whatever happens when I'm gone is not my responsibility. But the hard worker in me sees all of the things that are going to go horribly wrong!

April Showers

April. I hate your face. It crossed my mind on April 1st, it being Fools Day, that if someone had of told me last April 1st that this would be my life, that I would have one dead son and a living one on the way, I would have told them that was a really sick joke and probably would have cut them out of my life. But here I am one year later and it wasn't a joke. Here I am 10 days away from the anniversary of the worst day of my life. Actually I'd have to say April 12-13th were the worst two days since I laboured for 31 hours. I have been reliving those days over and over in my head for the past couple of weeks. More than usual that is. I even started questioning what happened. Why didn't the doctors try to stop it? When I got to the hospital my water bag was still intact. Why couldn't they sew me up and stop the contractions? I haven't had those questions in awhile and I know if there was something to be done they would have done it. I joked with my hubby that since it was Dr Sasquatch even if it was experimental he probably would have tried it out on me. This sort of thing is his specialty after all. I just can't help replaying every moment. Wondering if the artificial sweeteners I had caused the preterm labour (yes, they can in case you didn't know but it's not something most doctors tell you), or was it my workout routine, was it stress or work? I'll never know. ATTN READERS: I have been inspired by Maggie to post other Angelversary's on here. I created a page to list them monthly. Please comment if you would like me to include your baby. It doesn't have to be this month. I'll keep the list and update each month. Just comment with your baby's (babies) name(s) and date(s)