Don't Jinx It

I'm in a slightly better mood today. Maybe it's because I'm listening to Blue Rodeo and they always make me feel good.

I love the line "Second Sons are the wandering ones so we were the best of friends I never felt more like myself than when I stood beside him then." Caleb, are you going to be a wanderer? I often wonder how his personality will be changed by the fact that he's a Pheonix baby. I absolutely hate it when people have kids born with jobs. Like, the marriage is suffering so they have a baby or they're parents don't love them so they have a baby. The baby is supposed to be the fixer. And here I am carrying a baby with a job. Caleb isn't born yet and he has had a huge responsibility. Stay alive. Come home in a car seat not a green plastic bag. He has to move around when mom gets anxious so she knows he's alive. He had to learn to respond to my pokes and calls. He has to come home with us so that Mom doesn't go insane; so Daddy can have a little ball player to show off and someone to cheer for his favourite hockey team with; so Sissy can have a lifelong bestfriend and playmate. He has the most important job in the world and he's only 5 pounds. I'm surprised I'm not wrecked with guilt over that. Instead it just leaves me wondering about how it will change him. Will he be kinder, more gentle, more of a gentleman, more cautious? Will he look out for his family more, knowing they have already lost so much? Or will he be a reckless adventurer? Determined to soak up every bit of life because he knows how fleeting it is. I can't read the poem "A Different Child" without tearing up. I love this part:

"May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on Earth"

and also this part:

"I am only here
Because my mother had the courage to try again."