My Two Cents

I don't know if I actually expect anyone to read this as it's rather long winded but I had to get it off my chest!  If you do read it you will probably disagree with me.  Feel free to comment either way. 

Surprise surprise another article has been published admonishing the lives and grief of the baby loss community.  This one was written by Anne Kingston and published at Macleans.ca.  Here is the article

http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/02/29/the-mourning-after/

The gist of the article is that there is a growing trend of fetus fetishizing.  Women who miscarry are grieving very publicly at the risk of making others uncomfortable and at the risk of delaying their own healing process.  Good God, even Jayz mentioned a miscarriage in a rap song!  I can almost forgive him for closing down an entire hospital wing so his child could be born without interruption.

I think the first thing we need to do is take a step back and realize why this article is being written at this time, in this culture.  I cannot be the only one who realizes that this is part of the movement to squash the reopening of the abortion debate.  In the US the abortion debate is in full swing.  In Canada there are inklings that it will be.  The only reason articles like this are being written, the only reason the way parents grieve is being judged, is because pro abortionists do not want to admit that there is life before birth.  It is a fetus, a sac of tissue, as one woman put it on a FB group, "an abortion is like exfoliating, you don't cry over dead cells."  If an abortionist were to admit that yes, these are children, loved and wanted, at any gestation, then how would they say it was okay to end their lives?  They can't admit that.  And so they go on the attack, belittling and berating grieving parents.  How dare you grieve and cry over something that never really existed?  That is the point of view that articles like this are coming from.

For me, this is a personal attack.  My son was 17 weeks and 3 days gestation.  Under the laws of the land he was not a human being.  He deserved no gov't birth certificate or death certificate.  To the public he quite simply did not and does not exist.  If I had not claimed his body from the hospital and had him cremated privately he would have been disposed of with the medical waste.  Seriously.  I'm not exagerrating.  My hospital release papers said I suffered an "inevitable abortion."  That is what they call a loss before 20 weeks here. 

Another issue the author brings up is having photos around or sending out birth announcements.  I have no photos of Blaine.  I wish I did.  If I did I would probably not share them publicly.  It's a personal decision and I would never judge a parent for doing so.  I think we need to respect the feelings of the parents who want to share their photos and their stories.  But and most people are not going to like this, we also have to respect the people who don't want to see the photos.  Someone wrote on FB that if their Grandmother died they wouldn't remove the photo from their desk at work.  True.  You wouldn't take a photo of her in the coffin though and put it on your desk.  Pictures of dead babies are beautiful to me, they aren't gross, they are sad and sweet and tragic.  Maybe I treasure them because I have none of my own.  I know though that if I did have one of Blaine most people would not feel the same way.  I wouldn't hide it in my own home but I wouldn't send it out to people in a birth announcement and I wouldn't take it to a place of business.  Work is work, not your home.  And yes, it annoys me when people have a million pics of their living kids around too.  "look there's my kid putting on socks" "there's my kid eating a cheerio!"  They're only interesting to the moms!  Some people are not comfortable with death, even some people who have lost a child.  

This article is just part of a growing trend.  As the abortion debate spreads so will the attacks. 
Stop sharing stuff like this on FB.  It hurts people to read it.  I have a pretty tough skin.  You can say whatever you want to me and I will shrug it off.  Others will let it ruin their whole week.  One of my FB friends said she couldn't sleep after reading it.  So, why spread the hate?
Don't try to educate people online!  Haters gonna hate.  I would say, with the exception of the Dr's who perform the abortions, people who are pro abortion are uneducated about fetal development and they are uneducated about abortion methods.  They will never see the other point of view.
You need a place in your life that isn't about loss.  A place that is just about joy and silliness and life. 

No one should be made to feel like their baby didn't matter.  Like it wasn't real, didn't exist.  I didn't exfoliate on April 13 2010, I gave birth. 

Anger Issues

Day 20:  If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?

I am not always angry but I do have moments of anger and bitterness.  I think the thing I am most angry with is the unfairness of it all.  I didn't grow up in the best of families or in the best of neighbourhoods so I see people all around me who are abusive and/or neglectful of their kids.  I've seen people swear at their kids, call them names, scream at them, hit them with belts, parents who just ignore their kids and let other people raise them, parents who try to give their kids away to family cause they don't want them anymore.  I know women who pop out kid after kid from all sorts of different fathers, women who smoke and drink while pregnant.  I've seen a lot of this in my own family and I tolerated it before but now I can't even look at these people.  I was at a party once and thank God this was before Blaine, this woman had like 5 beers and was smoking the entire night and was clearly pregnant.  And then she had the nerve to complain that she "couldn't really party" because she was pregnant.  It took all I had not to say something.  If I saw that now, after losing my son, I'd punch her in the throat for sure.  I'm bitter that people who treat their kids like crap or like accessories (got to have the 2.5 kids! even if you don't really like them) have absolutely no problem having them.  I'm bitter that the best women I know struggle to mother a living child while some of the worst I've met can have as many as they want.  I'm so bitter about this stuff that as I'm thinking this post out in my head and typing it I'm having to cut out a lot of cussing!   One of the few things that gets me swearing is bad parenting. 

I'm angry, less so but still a little, at people who never acknowledged my son even existed.  Those people don't exist to me anymore.  For those of you on FB you saw my post in BLM Bloggers re: one person's attempt to use my son to get attention for herself.  I don't know if I"m more bitter at people not acknowledging him or people acknowledging him for their own agenda.
Even though it might sound like it, I'm not always bitter and angry.  I realized the other day that I'm actually pretty happy.  I've got a good life right now.  But there are days.  Dark days.  Luckily they are few and far between and are usually triggered by something or someone.  I know my triggers though and do my best to avoid them and stay in a safe mental place.

Update on CarSeat Law! And Days 8 & 9

As I said Friday I immediately emailed our Ministry of Transportation re: the carseat in taxis law or lack thereof.  They responded and I was actually right.  So, I'm correcting my correction!  It is legal for a taxi cab operator to drive children in the car without a carseat but it is not legal for the adult with the child to not have a carseat.  The onus is on the caregiver/parent.

"The driver of a taxicab while transporting a passenger for hire is
exempt from having to provide a child safety seat.
Those using the service of a taxi cab are NOT exempt from using a child
safety seat. It is the caregivers responsibility to ensure the child is
properly secured.
We thank you for your inquiry and encourage you to contact us in the
future as we continually strive to improve our service to our customers."

So, what do I do?  Take photos of the parents and send them to child services? 

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

Yes.  For the first few months it was the opposite but now I am definitely happier than I was and although I have random moments of sadness throughout the day I am never overwhelmed by it.

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

My daughter seems more sensitive now, she is more interested in babies, she talks a lot about death and Heaven and God, she always points out when we pass a cemetary, she knows the names of my BLM's children.  I think it has affected her in a positive way.  She knows the world can be a sad place and she knows sometimes life cannot be about her.  I know when she is a woman if tragedy were to strike her or her friend or family member, she will be the one who knows what to say and do. 

Day 7

Day 7: Do you do something to honour your angel (s)? If so what?

I write about him.  I talk about him.  And more importantly I do what I can for others.  In Blaine's name I try to do what little I can to make other parents feel supported throughout their loss.  I hope that when they think of me they think of Blaine.  I hope I can show that I would have been a great mother to him. 

Correction to yesterday.  I guess riding in a taxi without a carseat is now legal.  When someone took my daughter in a cab without my consent I had looked it up and found that carseats were required.  Now that is not the case.  So, legally you can endanger your child's life.  It begs the question, do some parents only take good care of their children when the gov't tells them they have to?  In Ontario it's the law that you are not allowed to smoke in a vehicle with a child under the age of 16.  Does common sense have to be dictated by law?  Trust me when I say I have already emailed the Ministry of Transport re: the carseat issue and will be doing everything I can to have this law amended. 

The Dreaded Question From Hell

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?

It really depends on who is asking and how much time I have.  I hate to ever deny Blaine existed but if a clearly pregnant woman is asking or I'm somewhere enjoying someone else's day like a wedding or shower, I don't want to spoil it.  You don't want to tell a pregnant woman you have a dead baby.  I know when I was pregnant with Abby and Blaine it would have been the last thing I wanted to hear (well other than "you're having a miscarriage").  I will answer honestly though if I don't care how the other person feels or if it's someone who should know better. 
Personally this is a question I will never ask again.  I will never put another parent in the position of having to answer.  I will also never ask the following: "when are you planning on starting a family?"  (they may be trying desperately) or "so you never wanted children of your own?"  (who knows how many losses they had before giving up).

On a side note and because my blood is boiling I have to rant about this.  Okay yes yes yes, I openly admit I judge other parents.  Especially since losing Blaine.  No, I am not perfect, I've made mistakes with my kids.  Who knows why Blaine died, something I did?  Maybe.  I don't expect other parents to be perfect but if you're not even going to try then what's the point?  What set this off?  Seeing another parent get out of a taxi cab with a small toddler and NO CAR SEAT.  Yes, it's a taxi but guess what, look up the law, car seats are still required!  And even if they weren't why would you not use one because you WANT TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS!!  Do taxis have a magical bubble around them to protect kids from injury?  Have drunk drivers and speeders and reckless motorists all signed a treaty to steer clear of taxis?  Unfortunately this is going to be one of those things where some poor kids are going to have to be brutally killed in an accident before stupid people take notice.  I am tempted to call the police and get the number for traffic violations and then call it and report the cab companies every time I see this happen from now on.  Maybe I'm overreacting but I'm a little sensitive at the sight of parents playing russian roulette with their kids lives just so they don't have to take the bus.

Hard Truths

We, BLM's, our community, are different then the rest of the population. That is a truth I have always thought of but just recently realized is 100% true. I'm not going to get into all of it because many people have blogged about it lately and I am pretty sure the worst is over. Basically there was this FB breast cancer "awareness" campaign where women were to put "I'm _ weeks and craving _" depending on their birthday. I personally wasn't offended by this but I still thought it was a pretty crappy thing to do. I know so many women out there struggling to either deal with a recent miscarriage or death; struggling to conceive their rainbow or even first child; struggling to deal with a loss and subsequent pregnancy at the same time. To me, this FB game spit in their face. It made a joke of it. To those who participated it was just a fun little game.
And there is the divide. All of our thoughts, desires, words, actions, needs will forever have the stamp of the baby lost on them. We will never make a decision again without thinking of what could have and should have been. We are different. It's a hard truth to accept. Or maybe for some it's a welcome one. You value something more when you know how hard it is to lose it. I will never again take my kids for granted. Never wish them away.
I am sitting here now holding back tears because it's Abby's first day back at school. As excited as I am for her to start this new chapter of her life it is time away from me. I know parents who can't wait to get their kids out the door, who have nannies and housekeepers (even when they're home) so they don't have to care for them themselves. Who complain about how much work it is to have them. And they're right, it is work. It hasn't been easy taking care of two kids all day, everyday this summer. But as hard as it was at times I wouldn't want life any other way. Here I am trying to convince Abby to skip grade one and let me home school her! Thankfully my girl is fiercely independent though so she said no. I have to let her go out and live her life.
The divide is there and yes, there are many many times we will cross it. We all have friends and family who have been there for us and who are sensitive to our special needs and concerns. We drift back and forth between grief and normalcy. There are times when no one would guess we were grieving. And then there are times when the SH*& hits the fan, like with this FB "campaign." When we need to stand together and remind people that we're still here, we still feel the loss with every breath.

Grab A Coffee

This could be a doozy...just got back from vacation so I have some things to share, and of course a visit and chat with my mother naturally ends in me needing to rant.




On the left is Abby digging a whole for our shrub and on the right is me at night with the shrub and the outdoor lights we got for it. We decided to plant a shrub for Blaine up north. We buried part of his ashes there. Sissy wanted to dig the hole and put the ashes in so she did. A bittersweet moment for sure. I'm so glad she wanted to participate but of course sad that she had to do something like that. The shrub is a Rhus Aromatica. We chose it because it is very fragrant and so the deer won't eat it. It is green and grows about 1.5 metres. It's leaves will turn bright red in the fall. I thought it would be much harder to leave a part of him up there but it wasn't. As my father in law reminded me, one day I will be up there with my grandkids.
We had a great trip but it's good to be home.
Here's the rant part...when I tried to tell my mom about the shrub on the phone she actually changed the topic to talk about her dead dog and the new puppy she's getting. I don't know whether she is just so ignorant and self absorbed or if she were comparing the two. I lost a child, she lost a dog, must be the same topic right? I was really mad. But you can't tell her that. She is in total denial about the person she is and the mother she is. She pretty much thinks she's perfect and if you try to tell her otherwise you get a huge guilt trip. And then when you bring things up that she's done wrong you get "I don't want to talk about it" or my favourite, she'll just start repeating "whatever whatever" over you so you can't talk. Yes, this is my mother. I don't know why I keep trying. She clearly doesn't care so I'm officially giving up.
I just finished reading "Eleanor Rigby" by Douglas Copeland. A teenager gives up her baby for adoption and years later he finds her. The mother of the girl (grandmother to the boy) says something and it just hit me and made me cry. I love this quote:

"I've also thought about you during the days, too. Usually it's when I'm preparing dinner, and in my head I'm wondering how many portions to make. I'm at the sink peeling potatoes, or maybe it's while I'm ironing a shirt. Don't ask why. I'm standing up and doing something dull with my hands. Leslie and William have kids, but for some reason it's you I've missed. You were the first. I worry about Leslie's kids, but when I think about them, I've never pulled over to the side of a road, out of the blue, feeling like I've been kicked in the chest."

That's how I feel. I worry about my kids; I think about Blaine at the oddest of times like when I'm making dinner or buying Abby new socks; I feel the air sucked out of me when I remember that I don't need to make dinner for him or buy him clothes or prepare him for school.

Sad Moments

This morning I had my first post Caleb breakdown. I've been pretty good at keeping it together these past 5 days. Too overwhelmed with joy and sleepiness to really focus on any of the negatives. But this morning it was just too much and I had to let it out. I started thinking about everything. How he's still not 100% safe, how anything bad could still go wrong; what if something happens to me and hubby; what if something happens to Abby; why isn't Blaine here with us? I started thinking about the things that I didn't like about his birth like how my sister and sister in law both announced his arrival and shared his photo even before we left the hospital. That was really disappointing for me. I've been the one (and hubby) waiting desperately for his arrival. I should have been the one that got to announce him and share his first photo. They basically stole that from me. And if it were another baby I probably wouldn't let it bother me but this is OUR rainbow. We're the ones that went through the grief and the loss and still go through it everyday. As far as I'm concerned no one else has any claims on my son but us three. I know I can't let things like that get to me. I am truly blessed to have my boy home but I'm still bitter about how things were handled regarding Blaine. I guess that's family right? Everyone has family issues and sometimes you just have to suck it up and move on.

I'm missing Blaine a lot now. It doesn't help that my necklace broke and I can't wear his pendant right now until I get it fixed. I remembered this dream the other day and it made me wonder if I had been dreaming about Blaine and Caleb. Caleb is exactly how I pictured him, brown hair and blue eyes, just like the boy Blaine and I were playing hide and seek with in the dream. Abby asked me what Blaine looked like yesterday and if he had Daddy's nose or Mommy's nose. Things like that keep popping into my mind and I can't wait to find out one day.

Life Lessons

I have learnt so many things this past year. Namely the following, in no particular order, please bare with the obvious sarcasm in some points.

1. Your body has an endless supply of tears and snot.

2. Strangers are sometimes the kindest friends.

3. It is possible to feel an immense amount of joy and an immense amount of pain at the exact same moment.

4. I can survive, the question has always been more like "do I want to?"

5. It is possible to love a human being so small they can fit in the palm of your hand.

6. Logic cannot exist in the same moment as grief.

7. The approximate time for others to grieve and move past the death of your child is one week. After that you are on your own.

8. God is good and loving, even when you hate him.

9. Guilt is a disease and needs to be treated like one.

10. You will feel an immense amount of pride and love at the simplest of things, like seeing your child's name written out by a stranger. (see point 2)

11. There are few things better in life than receiving "Blaine Mail." It never even makes it to the elevator before it's ripped open.

12. My husband has endless amounts of patience and doesn't mind if his shirts are soaked in tears.

13. My daughter is a one of the kindest souls I have ever known.

14. Having post partum depression but no baby at home isn't worth it.

15. There are far far too many dead babies in the world.

That's what I can think of for now. Of course, I have learnt so much about human behaviour and about myself. I've always been very observant of people and can always read people within minutes of meeting them. The one thing that has surprised me throughout this journey is the true sisterhood of the BLM. I've always been very skeptical of the internet and people who find friendships and love online. That all changed when I started looking for answers back in May 2010. The internet really became my go to guide on loss and healing. I guess the number one thing I learnt this year is that angels exist where you least expect them and God truly does work in mysterious ways.

Tiny Rant

Just getting this out of my system. If you made a comment after Blaine died that went something like this..."you're young you can always have another" then do not be surprised when you are NOT invited to Caleb's baby shower!!!!!!!

Other comments which will not earn you an invitation include but are not limited to...

"there must have been a good reason"
"it just wasn't meant to be"
"there must have been something wrong with him"
"it was God's will"

well guess what, I talked to God and he doesn't want you at my baby shower. Sorry, can't change God's will!!

I don't have much to say today just had to get that out of my system.

Just a Random Post

I've never had that large group of friends. I always sort of envied people who did. Especially at happy times like baby showers and weddings I thought it would be nice if I had like 20 girlfriends to go crazy with. Instead my baby shower with Abby was mostly family and my bachelorette party consisted of 6 people, one of which was my sister and another was a friend of a friend. When I lost Blaine again I thought how nice it would be to have that large group. I've realized how wrong I was. I read other blogs and see other BLM's on FB and what they have to go through. The negative comments, the critisizms, the "helpful suggestions" on how to do it next time. And I am so grateful I can count my real friends on one hand. I may only be able to fill one booth at a restaurant for my bday but I am lucky that at least those people know me well enough not to say something stupid or ignorant. My heart goes out to the BLM's who have to deal with that on top of dealing with their loss. And as I said to one, you can't have a drama free life until you get rid of the drama queens!!
Went to my mom's house on Saturday for the night. I finally brought home Blaine's clothes from there. When I was pregnant with him my Aunt sent me a box of about 8 outfits. I remember sitting on my mom's couch, barely a bump at that point and thinking of the little boy who would wear them. I did the same thing on Saturday. Sat on the same couch and looked at all of the clothes, this time with a large bump, picturing another boy in them. It was bittersweet. The clothes are almost all neutral colours but definitely more boyish. I wonder how my Aunt knew Blaine was a boy, I thought I was the only one. My parents always pick the "going home from hospital" outfit for the kids but we chose one from this box for "wearing at the hospital." So, they are all here now. Caleb has so much stuff here. I feel more confident with everyday that I will not have to box them up and put them away. I feel more and more relaxed and I'm able to see him here with us doing all the baby stuff.
My sister brought her kids over too. I actually changed my niece's diaper and fed her her bottle. It was surprisingly easy to do. Maybe because I'm pregnant. At Christmas I held her a lot but it was hard. My mom and sister kept saying how my niece would now have another baby to play with and how my nephew wouldn't be the only boy anymore. It bugs me that they just ignore Blaine's existence but I've come to accept it. Online with my BLM sisters and here at home are the only places Blaine can exist without any kind of awkwardness. He is safe here with us Moms.

Pregnancy Interrupted

Sometimes that's what I feel like has happened. I find myself daydreaming about the baby or talking about the baby and I will inevitably slip up and call him Blaine. I know this is a different baby, a different soul. He'll have a whole other personality of his own. One fine day I will get to be with all three of my kids. But sometimes it seems like this is the same pregnancy. Like it just took a four month break or got interrupted by something. Maybe it's because it was just 4 months in between. That's not long in the grand scheme of things although when testing every month it seemed like forever. Four months is really nothing. It's already been one month since Christmas. Maybe it's because Blaine is unfinished business. When you get pregnant there's a timeline that you're supposed to progress through. That timeline ends with the bringing home of baby. But when you don't get to do that it's like you never finished. You're just stuck somewhere in between morning sickness (1st trimester) and heartburn (3rd). So now being further along with Caleb than I was with Blaine makes me slip up sometimes. My body and mind are going through the things now that got cut short back then. Luckily all of this has just happened in my head or else I know people will start to worry.
Worry. Another topic. Some douchebag at work today told me I looked "swollen" and asked me how my blood pressure was. Thanks for giving me something to worry about all freaking morning! Finally I just asked my supervisor if she thought I looked swollen and she said no. So then I relaxed because she wouldn't lie to me and she would notice cause she notices everything! NEWSFLASH if someone you know is pregnant after having lost a child do not point out things that could be wrong with them!!!! I feel like I'm becoming a drama queen and I desperately do not want to. I don't want to be one of those people that have a coronary over every little thing. I see them all the time, I work with a whole bunch of them! But this past week I have been. I have blown up and cried and gone on and on about every little thing. I'm blaming the hormones for now and not accepting that this may be a new personality trait.

Residual Bitterness

I though I had pretty much overcome all of the anger and bitterness I had surrounding Blaine's loss. Pause, I hate the word loss. Abby actually thought we had "lost" a baby because technically that's what the word means. I didn't lose him. He also didn't "die." I use the term "dead" baby but it's really false because to me he isn't dead. He is very much alive he just isn't here. But anyways, that's off topic. After Blaine left us I was pretty bitter about some things and I thought I had moved on from all of that. There's been a lot of recent posts on other mom's blogs and FB about unsupportive family and friends and about people forgetting or ignoring after a certain amount of time passes. Reading these have made me realize that I'm still bitter about that too. Especially now that I'm pregnant and hearing all of the well wishes certain people have for this baby. There are people who are expecting to be a part of the lives of my living children. I wish I could put a big sign up saying "guess what, if you didn't celebrate the life of the one that died, you don't get to be part of the living!" As bad as it sounds I want my living kids to know exactly who loved their brother and who could have cared less. I don't want them to be bitter and hateful about it but I want them to know who was there and who wasn't. Who couldn't be bothered to say "sorry for your loss" even. I will never forget the people who stepped up in my life and supported me one hundred percent. And I will also never forget the people who just looked away because they were too uncomfortable or just didn't care enough. I know you should forgive and forget and I will forgive but I won't forget. And I will find a way, even if it means renting a billboard!, to let these people know that they weren't there for Blaine so guess what, you don't get to be there for Caleb either. I think that's the last of my residual bitterness. I'm pretty accepting of everything else that has happened.
I've decided I have to send out some Valentine cards on Blaine's behalf. I bought cards for Abby to take to daycare and school and I was a little broken hearted thinking he wouldn't get to send out cards. He'll never have that cute little girl in his class that he's a little shy to give a card to. He'll never bring home a homemade envelope full of cards from all his friends and teachers. I have to do these things for him. Like everything else really, it will be on his behalf, from his loving Momma.

Needed to Rant, Sorry

This may seem like a bit of a rant. It's really come to my attention the past week or so how intolerant I now am about some issues. I no longer have any patience for people who complain about how hard being a parent is. I do not want to listen to idle chit chat about some private nursery school you just "have to" get your unborn child into. I don't care about how much your yuppy stroller costs. I'm fed up with people who would rather work, party, or vacation then spend time with their kids. I don't get the whole "detachment parenting thing" or "training" your baby...just get a puppy! Before you let your child cry themselves to sleep think of how you'll feel if they don't wake up in the morning. I can't go on message boards and listen to non BLM's discuss their pregnancies and how the baby is "annoying them with kicks" or how terrified they are their boobs will sag. If it's too inconvienient to feed and clothe and put your own child to bed when the nanny has the day off, consider how inconvienient it would be if you had to make funeral arrangements. UGH!
Okay, rant done. It's just been building up. I try to stay off the non dead baby parenting sites for this reason. People who haven't lost a child really have no idea how precious that child is. They have no idea how much I would love to be sleep deprived right now. How I would love to be struggling down the street in the snow pushing a cheap stroller. I would love to walk out of the house tomorrow with spit up on my shirt. I wish my house smelled like dirty diapers. I wish my neighbours were complaining about being woken up at 2am by a crying baby. I wish.
I feel like I should have written this entire post in capitals!

Rest from the Holidays

Today I think everything caught up with me. The hustle and bustle that has been my past week. I haven't slept too much these past couple of days because Abby has a bad cough and cold. I've had to do way too much housekeeping for my liking! And then there's the emotions of it all. Today it all caught up and I spent until about 1:30pm on the couch. Me on one end and my daughter on the other watching hours of stupid cartoons. Finally I dragged us up and we went for a walk and now I'm making leftovers into a stew. I'm feeling a little bitter today. It boggles my mind that I can spend all of Christmas day with people, "family" and they don't once mention Blaine. And all of the next day with my "family" and they can't mention him. The more I think about it the more I'm just disgusted with all of them. My in laws and my family. I guess once someone's been cremated they're out of the family. I don't even think I was expecting anything better or more. So, I really shouldn't be all that surprised. At least today I got to wallow and rest. To take the time to just reflect on what the past week has been and what it should have been. I will be glad for this year to be over. I have this whole speech prepared for them all once I give birth to Caleb. How I'm going to tell them that I want them to spend only the amount of energy and thought on Caleb as they did on Blaine. How they get to see Caleb as often as they mentioned Blaine. I know that sounds really unfair and bitter.
Today I got some bad news about a family friend. I wasn't even aware she was pregnant. But she is about 3 months pregnant with twins and they have died. She hasn't delivered them yet. We all know what an incredibly hard time she must be going through right now. Please say a prayer for her. That medically she will soon be past this and that emotionally she can find some peace with it.

Ouch Moments

Today I did the majority of my Christmas shopping. Yes, I take time off work to shop! I avoided anything to do with "Baby's First Christmas" and stuck to my list. I only snuck one little peek into the baby section of the store. I was doing fine. Got everything I wanted for my daughter and hubby. Got my mom's gift. Just have three more things to pick up and I'm done!! Then I was walking through this one store. I'm not normally a label person but there's one brand of sports clothes that I like, you know the kind Sue wears on Glee?!?! My favourite brand. There was a whole rack of cute little jogging suits for baby boys in this store. I teared up a little because trust me Blaine would have had the red and the blue set under the tree! I almost thought to buy one for Monkey but what if I'm wrong and Monkey is a girl. Daddy's not going to let her wear a boy's jogging suit around. I know it probably sounds silly but things like that I am missing out on and it makes me sad. I'm not one of those people who think Christmas is just about gifts but I do like to spoil my kid and I would have spoiled Blaine too. Even at just 4 months he would have had a full stocking and lots of gifts. I would have snuck him a little taste of mashed potatoes and maybe some cranberry sauce or bread pudding. He's be staring googly eyed at the dancing lights on the Christmas tree. He would have looked really cute in that blue jogging suit!!
So, my cousin who is having a boy and agreed to give him Blaine as a middle name has retracted her agreement. I'm a little bitter. She said she agreed because she didn't want to hurt my feelings but already had a name picked out. WHATEVER! I was planning a preggo girl get together at the spa with her and a friend of mine but now I kind of want to forget about going with her and just go with my friend. I know that sounds childish and I understand her agreeing to spare my feelings but once you agree to something like that you can't go back on it. It would be as much an honour for HER SON to be named after one of my children as it would be for me.
Anyways, I've had some ouch moments this week but in general I'm feeling pretty good about the holidays and the Monkey.

Scrapbooking

I have started to round up all of the resources I need for scrapbooking Blaine's brief life. I chose the paper, not exactly what I wanted but it's nice. I've chosen what is going to go on the paper...on page for his life and one for his death. For his life I'll have his ultrasound photo, a photo of me pregnant and a little synopsis of my pregnancy. For his death I'll have the metal tag he was cremated with, the memorial card from the funeral home and his footprints. In the background I'm going to write out the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. I may do a page of the butterfly release we went to in June. And that's it. That's pretty depressing. Once I have everything gathered it'll take about two hours to do these pages. I almost don't want to start because I don't want to finish. But I want to do them and have them hanging up. Along side photos of Big Sis. It's just sad that I don't get to do a lifetime of scrapbooking. I get two maybe three pages. Too brief.
My rant for today...a fellow BLM created a FB event to remind everyone of October 15th. I invited all of my "friends" and half jokingly said if they chose not to attend I would delete them. It is clearly marked as a virutal event. That's even in capitals so it's pretty clear. And now I am left with the question, do I delete the people, including my own brother, who said "not attending?" Either they didn't even bother to read the event and just automatically put not attending because they can't take time out of their precious lives. Or, they read it and aren't smart enough to understand what "virtual event" means. Either way do I want them as "friends?" Either they're really dumb or they're self absorbed. Which is worse? I've already deleted some cold hearted people from my FB. Today I deleted the "friend" who said she'd do a photo of B's name for me and then couldn't be bothered.

The Scrambler Part Deux

Shhh...I'm blogging at work..hehe. Today was an exceptionally good day. After two weeks of emotional lows and a probable ecotopic pregnancy, yesterday was refreshing. And a good day I really needed to have. I was surprisingly well rested and optimistic when I woke up in the morning. Got to work and had a really good morning, not too busy but just enough. Some good laughs. Went out for lunch with my friend to the farmer's market. I bought myself two big beautiful sunflowers. Afternoon started off really well. I just felt at peace. I'm feeling optimistic that I'm going to get preggo this month. I feel like the darkness that surrounded me the past few days is gone. I feel like this is my month. I deserve some good news and I've been a pretty good person so karma should be catching up to me. I know this sounds incredibly naive but it's what I'm trying to make myself believe right now! I have to believe in the positive. That good things are coming my way.
There was only one glitch in my almost perfect day yesterday. I got an email from a coworker. One of those stupid chain things that people pass around. Usually they don't bother me. But this one was warning all us woman that carrying our cell phones around can actually cause miscarriage and infertility. Really? I was shocked, did she seriously send me this email? I had three options, 1: get up and punch her in the throat...2: take a walk and cool off...3: reply back to all in the email and say something like "do you think that's why my baby died? the doctors couldn't explain it maybe you can?" I wisely opted for number 2, took a walk to the bathroom shut myself in the stall screamed into some toilet paper and cried for a minute. This was the first time I had cried at work since I've been back from my 5 week mental hiatus. I know she didn't mean any harm. She didn't think about it. And that's it. She didn't think about it because she has probably already forgotten. I don't know what peeved me off more...the fact that she sent a careless email without thinking of who she was sending it to or the stupid email itself. Yes, ladies according to the person who wrote the email, I'm sure they're a celebrated and award winning doctor, prolonged exposure to cell phones causes miscarriage. Phew, I'm glad there's a good reason for all the dead babies out there. I was able to actually cool off after about an hour and put things in perspective. But for that one hour I was seething and she is very lucky I was at work. And that I have extremely good self control. I'm a Jasper when it comes to controlling my emotions, hardly any outbursts at all. (I'm reading Twilight for the 6th time sorry). It got me thinking about what I really want and need from people. I'm not going to compile it all here because I am at work and this is getting to be a long post already.
I was able to salvage the day though, my supervisor met with me because she heard about what happened. My friend Lisa was appalled at the email and sent my supervisor a note about it. Joking around with my supervisor always brightens my mood. She has been so supportive and such a good friend, leader and mentor.
So, a minor snag but today I am feeling really good again. It may just be another ride on the Scrambler but if it is and I'm going to crash again I plan on enjoying this while I can!