Sad Moments

This morning I had my first post Caleb breakdown. I've been pretty good at keeping it together these past 5 days. Too overwhelmed with joy and sleepiness to really focus on any of the negatives. But this morning it was just too much and I had to let it out. I started thinking about everything. How he's still not 100% safe, how anything bad could still go wrong; what if something happens to me and hubby; what if something happens to Abby; why isn't Blaine here with us? I started thinking about the things that I didn't like about his birth like how my sister and sister in law both announced his arrival and shared his photo even before we left the hospital. That was really disappointing for me. I've been the one (and hubby) waiting desperately for his arrival. I should have been the one that got to announce him and share his first photo. They basically stole that from me. And if it were another baby I probably wouldn't let it bother me but this is OUR rainbow. We're the ones that went through the grief and the loss and still go through it everyday. As far as I'm concerned no one else has any claims on my son but us three. I know I can't let things like that get to me. I am truly blessed to have my boy home but I'm still bitter about how things were handled regarding Blaine. I guess that's family right? Everyone has family issues and sometimes you just have to suck it up and move on.

I'm missing Blaine a lot now. It doesn't help that my necklace broke and I can't wear his pendant right now until I get it fixed. I remembered this dream the other day and it made me wonder if I had been dreaming about Blaine and Caleb. Caleb is exactly how I pictured him, brown hair and blue eyes, just like the boy Blaine and I were playing hide and seek with in the dream. Abby asked me what Blaine looked like yesterday and if he had Daddy's nose or Mommy's nose. Things like that keep popping into my mind and I can't wait to find out one day.