Fears and 30 Days of Questions

My fears are pretty much off the charts right now. I'm so afraid that Caleb is not yet safe. That I'll never stop worrying about something happening to him. I really only feel safe at home with him. When we go out around other people I focus on what diseases he could catch or what some freak on the street could do. I know I have to start focusing on the positive and not the negative. I can't live my life like this and I don't want to raise my kids in that kind of emotional enviroment. To my credit I have been able to control my anxiety and not let it affect Abby. I let her do lots of things that scare the crap out of me and I just hide it. I have a breakdown now and then around hubby but other than him I don't think anyone would know how anxious I am. Not just since Blaine either, I've always been like this. It's just worse now because now I know the worst can happen to me! I'm not immune to it like I wanted to believe. The problem is I'm not sure how to get rid of the anxiety. Meds help to some extent but not completely. I know that's what the doctor would suggest since I've had post partum depression twice and been medicated both times. Problem is they help with the physical effects like panic attacks but they don't take the thoughts away. And therapy didn't either. I hate sitting and telling someone what my fears are because I know they sound ridiculous and far fetched. I'm not convinced it is PPD and not just generalized anxiety. I have it most of the time not just after birth.
Any tips anyone? If you could say a little prayer for me that I'll figure this out that would be much appreciated. Would rather figure out how to handle it or get over it without resorting to anti anxiety meds.



Question 7: Short Term Goals for this month and why?

1. to continue breastfeeding - that is my biggest goal and I'm setting it a month at a time instead of saying "I'll breastfeed the whole time I'm off work." I'd like to do that but don't want to set myself up for failure.


2. to get back into a workout routine - my big goal is to be at 150 pounds by New Years so that's about 50 pounds or so I have to lose in 6 months. More than manageable.


3. to start eating healthier. We tried to do a clean grocery shop this time around and I only allowed myself one treat, peanut butter filled pretzels. Now, I just have to stop it with the iced coffees everyday!.


4. to work out a plan for treating my anxiety - see above