In Treatment

Today is another blah day. I had my first appt with a shrink yesterday. * Disclaimer: I do not mean any offence by using the words "crazy" or talking about ocd in a lighthearted way. I'm not really making fun it's just my way of talking about it. * He was not warm and fuzzy. His office was a mess and he had the light off but the curtains wide open so the sun was lighting the room. He didn't look more than 45 and he was a low talker so sometimes it was hard to hear him. I didn't dislike him. I guess I was expecting a male version of my therapist. Has anyone ever seen the show "In Treatment?" It's Gabriel Byrne playing a therapist and he's got a very warm and cozy office. That's what I was hoping for. But this guy was alright, he was at least very easy to talk to although I was not as comfortable crying in front of him as I am with Dolores. This is what free health care gets you right? lol...I was hopeful after leaving his office because he does not think I'm crazy or that I am going crazy. That is a concern with me because most days I feel like I'm borderline. Like if one more trauma happens I'm going to be flipping the light switch 14 times before I leave the house. I know I shouldn't watch the show "Obsessed" or "Intervention" or "Hoarding" but I can't help it. And sadly I can now relate to these people. There were two people on "Obsessed" the other night and I totally got what they were saying. I have the same anxiety and the same thoughts. At one point the therapist on the show was telling the ocd patient to do something as part of his cognitive behaviour therapy and the ocd guy was looking at the therapist like the therapist was insane and I totally agreed with the ocd guy!! The only difference is I still have my sense of logic. But if that goes I can totally see myself cleaning the house for 20 hours a day. Logic. That is what is separating us. The shrink who I will call "Fraser" for lack of a better nickname says as long as I worry about going crazy then I won't go crazy. He didn't quite word it like that but that's the gist of it. If you think about these things from a logical perspective then they will most likely not happen to you. That gives me hope. The few compulsions that I've had since April 13th are not going to push me over the edge. That is very good news for someone who feels as if they are living at the edge. I am not going over.

Today I am feeling a lot of anxiety. I know I have to go back to work either next week or the week after. I think I'm ready but I'm still anxious about it. I've been able to solely focus on me for a month now and it's felt good. I'm also worried about how I'm going to be treated when I get back. I've been a little bored and I miss the hustle of things around the office and having lunch with my friend Lisa. I think I'm ready to go back I'm just worried that I'm not going to be able to handle the stress. I'm worried I'm going to have a breakdown right there at my desk. But I won't know unless I try right?

On a lighter note. I may be going up to my in laws again in about a month...not for sure but most likely. If you look in Blaine's gallery, I have a pic of his name written in the sand by a waterfall and also, one of his name on the beach in the sand. They are labelled "up at Papa's house" If you would like me to do one for your little one please email me lilyorange2@yahoo.ca I don't know for sure if I'm going but if I do I will definitely take some pics. There's lots of beautiful spots up there.

It's Tuesday

Why does every week have to have a Tuesday in it. I hate Tuesdays. At this time 16 Tuesdays ago I had a little baby boy growing healthy inside of me. I was at work minding my own business. Probably eating a yogurt. At this time 15 Tuesdays ago that little baby boy was dead, whether it was a fluke or not ultimately it was my body that failed him. I was lying in a hospital bed crying. I was surrounded by people who love me and the only thing I wanted was my little nudger. The room was hot. It was a small room with the windows closed so it was stuffy. I could smell the sweat and the blood. I can still smell the blood. I was lying in my own blood. I had it on my legs. I was hooked up to the most annoying I.V. machine in the world. They had put the I.V. in wrong, up on the inside of my elbow instead of on my wrist. So, every time I moved my arm the machine beeped. I was on Oxytocin to make sure I passed all of the clots and whatever they give you in I.V. to keep you from being dehydrated (saline?). They had already stopped giving me the morphine. I wasn't in any more physical pain but the morphine had been quite nice. I remember the way it smelled sweet and like rubbing alcohol. It took the pain away, mentally and physically. If I didn't have a life to go back to I would have asked them if I could take a bucket of morphine home. I was still in my hospital gown. They said I could leave in a couple of hours. No point in staying now. Baby's dead anyway. Time to go home and get over it. All I wanted was a shower. I had to get the smell off of me. The smell of sweat and blood. The smell of blood will always make me think of death now. The baby was gone, the labour was almost painless. But now I had to get off that bed and go home and act "normal." Be strong, be brave, be a mother, be a wife. When all I want to be is with my son. I can still feel it. The way it felt when he slipped from my body. I didn't even have to push, he was so little. He just slipped out. I can feel it. I feel it all day. That sensation. I don't remember what it felt like to have my daughter. I remember talking about it afterwards, how he head squirmed out and I felt it. I guess with time my memory of that is gone. Maybe with time this memory will be too. But I hope not. I want to always remember it because it is the only time I got with Blaine. The time my body gave him life and the time my body took his life away.

Back

Back to the real world. I had such a nice weekend away at my father in laws. If I won the lottery tonight I wouldn't even pack a bag I'd just be gone up there. It is so quiet and peaceful. And while I miss my creature comforts it's nice to be able to breath and sleep. I slept so peacefully, no nightmares, no waking up for hours in the middle of the night. Just sleep. And breathing. I could breath, no chest pains, no anxiety. I remember when I could feel that way everyday. When I didn't need to escape from real life to feel that good. When that was my normal.

I missed Blaine too when I was up there although I wasn't sad or depressed. I took my framed ultrasound photo with me and my little book I write his letters in. But I didn't take my painting or candle holder or the rest of my memory box. And I feel like I left him here by himself. Isn't that strange? We made sure to take a photo of his name when we were thinking of him. By the waterfalls, on a rock, at the lake across from his Papa's house. His Papa would have loved him. Even though he has two grandsons already I know Blaine would have been the favourite. His son's son. The only time I got a little depressed was when they were talking about the family name. My husband is the last on that side of the family with the last name. If he doesn't have a son then the name ends with him. And it made me sad that our son died and we may not get another one. And it isn't my husband's fault and maybe not even my fault but who knows.

Had therapy this morning and Dolores gave me a relaxation CD to listen too and see if it helps. I just can't relax. Maybe the music will help. I just have to find sometime to sit and play the CD and try not to think. Have to block everything out of my head. Might as well ask me to perform brain surgery!

Weekend Away

Our little family spent the weekend away. I actually missed being on here and blogging and reading about all of you. That's weird isn't it? But it was nice to get out of the city and be somewhere quiet and peaceful. I've just spent sometime catching up on all the blogs I've been missing for two days. Will post some pics tomorrow that I took for Blaine. Lots of great scenery up there. Spent a lot of energy trying to get a butterfly to cooperate and let me photograph it. Missed him way too much.

A Random Act of Kindness

I'm glad I postponed writing today until this evening. I took my daughter to the wading pool at the park. I'm sitting there minding my own business when out of nowhere comes this beautiful little boy. He couldn't have been more than 18 months. He was walking but not steady, still wobbly. He walked right up to me grinning from ear to ear. And then he did the kindest thing a little boy could ever do for a dead baby momma. He put his arms around me and gave me a huge hug. I almost burst into tears. It was so sweet. His dad of course came running over apologizing about how friendly he was. I couldn't really say anything. I just said "no problem, he's such a sweetheart." And then the dad ushered him away but he kept looking back at me and smiling.

I try not to look for signs. Yes, it seems like I see more Monarch butterflies this year but maybe that's just because I didn't notice them before. But I've had more than one instance in my life where I've felt that something or someone was showing me something. Just last week when I am 80% certain I had another miscarriage I was walking over to the doctors office and two things happened. I was in a pretty pitiful mood. And out of nowhere comes this little puppy dog. He starts following me and jumping on me wanting to play. I had to walk him back towards his house because he wouldn't leave my side and go back to his owner. And then I didn't walk more than ten feet away from him and a butterfly flew right smack into my face. Were they sent to cheer me up? Was the little guy at the park sent to give me the hug that Blaine cannot?

Maybe it's cheesy but I hope so.

After I dropped Big Sis off at daycare today I was walking home in another pretty pitiful mood. And this voice came into my head and I am convinced the thoughts were put in my head by God. He was saying to me more than once "why are you in such despair? do you not know where he is? do you not know he is safe with me?" And of course I answered I know where he is and that he is perfectly happy and safe. But I am here and I am not. And the voice asked the same things over and over the entire walk home and each time I could not deny that I knew my son was perfectly happy where he was. The problem is that I am impatient, I am scared, I am sad, I am wanting him here with me. So, the voice and I did not get anything resolved this morning. But then he sent this little boy to give me a hug. One random act of kindness that has given this sad momma a smile and a sigh of happiness.

Who Am I?

This is a good question. I am obviously not the same woman I was pre April 13th. Pre The Descent. Who was I? Who am I now? Who am I going to be when the fog clears?

I grew up in the city but I am a country girl at heart. I would love to win the lottery and buy a farm. Have some pigs and horses and a dozen dogs. To me, dogs are God's gift to us. He perfectly designed them to be our companions. I guess I had a typical upbringing in a blended family. I have one step sister and one half sister. I have two step brothers and two half brothers. I am not as close to any of them as I'd like to be.

I am a wife and a mother. Marriage isn't something I was looking for. I always thought I'd be a single mom, living in a condo with a kid and a cat. But my husband came along and ruined those dreams, lol. He's a great guy, so supportive of me and truly would do anything I ask him to do, he loves me more than I probably deserve sometimes. My daughter is a joy. She really is. I always say to her "why did God send me his best angel, what did I do to deserve you." I'm trying to raise my daughter as best I can to know God and to believe. And so far I think I'm doing a good job with that. If you read the post about us telling her about Blaine's death she just matter of fact said "I'll see him when I go to Heaven." I was struggling with my beliefs until I had her. But one look at her and there's no denying that someone wonderful is up there looking out for me.

I work in an office, it's pretty boring and very stressful. I don't like it but I don't hate it. I always wanted to be a teacher but didn't have the drive. Working was a lot easier than going to teachers college. I'm blessed to work with some great people though. Three come to mind easily. Ladies that have really been here for me. You never know who really cares about you til the floor falls out from beneath you.

I love reading, I am a Twilight fan!! I go back and forth from Team Edward and Team Jacob...pretty much depending on whether Jacob has a shirt on or not. I love anything written by Max Lucado. I love the Chronicles of Narnia and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I love John Irving and Wally Lamb. I love watching movies and t.v. I am a huge fan of General Hospital...can't miss my soap!! It's my guilty pleasure...well that and ice cream. Oh to sit and watch G.H. while eating ice cream!!

I think I'm a pretty good person. My biggest flaw is that I'm judgemental. It's something I really try hard to not do. I don't want to judge other people, especially other mothers. I love hard but not easily. I am a good listener but I've always been a bit of a loner so sometimes I'm awkward in social settings and don't know what to say to people.

And I'm sad. I'm really depressed right now. I'm struggling not to be bitter and angry. I'm trying very hard to just trust in God. I'm trying to get through this and still be all of the good things I was pre April 13th.

That is me. Thanks Danae for this idea. So, readers, followers, who are you?

GPS

Today I feel some resolve. Maybe it's just another day on the Scrambler. I just feel today that I can't wallow in this anymore. I can't spend hours a day on the computer reading about dead babies. I can't keep reliving my son's birth/death over and over in my head...the sights the smells the sounds. I have to start moving on. I thought that that's what I was doing but have realized over the past couple of days that I really haven't been doing that at all. I understand that this has changed me forever. I understand that I will never "get over" it. But I have to get on. I have to find some peace. Easier said than done right? I feel stuck. I know where I have to get to but don't know how to get there. My internal GPS is busted. I can see myself in the future, healthy and happy with Big Sis and hopefully a new baby. I can see myself being sad and missing Blaine but not being overcome. I can visualize myself being strong and telling my kids about their brother in Heaven without wanting to scream and rip out my hair. I can see it and I want it. I just don't know how to get it. I'm like a rabbit running for a carrot. I can see it in my sights but the faster I run the further away the carrot seems to get.

This is where I have some mementos now, I have to get a proper table to put them on. I just got the candle holder, I've been searching for the perfect one and finally found it in the hospital gift shop. And the flower is a dried rose, my daughter gave me for Mother's Day. Actually her karate teacher got roses for all the moms and had the kids hand them out. It was my first Mother's Day without Blaine.

And here's Blaine's memory box. The green book is my pregnancy journal...didn't get to complete it. The red book is where I write letters to my son. And there's my little angel bunny with the blue wings, I love that bunny so much. Sometimes I just hold it like I would have held him.

The Scrambler

Grief is usually referred to in stages, anywhere from 5 to 10 depending on what you're reading or who you're talking to. I think the most commonly recognized ones are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. To me stages are something you go through and then graduate to the next one. Like when I play Super Mario. I beat world one and go onto world two. I don't have to go back to world one again. I've completed that stage. I think calling any part of grief a stage is misleading. It ignores the fact that you will go back and forth and back and forth constantly feeling each stage separately or together. Is grief like a roller coaster? No. You get on a roller coaster and you have the ups and downs. But there is a definite end. You end up in the same spot as you started. Roller coasters with all their twists and turns are circular. So, what is grief really?

After feeling a bit blah last week and getting a little religious I had felt like I had come to an acceptance. I felt like I had released Blaine into God's arms and I was ready to begin moving on. Not getting over but getting on. And then this weekend it just all came crashing down again. I quickly went from "acceptance" to everything else but denial. I can't really deny it at this point. My sister had her baby yesterday. If you know me you know I have mixed feelings about this regardless of the fact I have a dead baby. I won't get into it all now but I was trying to be very supportive. And it hurt like hell. I held this little baby girl. And I was completely overcome with sadness. I never held my son. I didn't think I could handle it. And now I don't think I will ever get over the guilt for not doing it. Guilt is not even one of the 5 stages. Either is self loathing. I seem to be making up my own as I go along.

So, I figured out that grief is a scrambler ride. You know those things at fairs. Kind of looks like a spider. You sit in the cab and it spins around. Then the group you're in spins and finally the whole unit is spinning. You get thrashed around going faster and spinning out of control. When the ride finally stops you are never in the same spot you started in. That's grief. It's not neat little stages it's a spinner. You can feel one stage or you can feel all of the stages. And it's usually accompanied by a sinking feeling in your gut. Like the floor is giving out under you. And when the ride ends who knows where you're going to be. Or who you're going to be.

One thing that hit me pretty hard was when I was at my sister's house before she went into active labour. I was looking at all of the baby stuff and telling her, "save the breastpump for me" "save your maternity pants for me." And then I'm thinking why? What if I never get pregnant? What if I never give birth to a living child again? What if my life is always "this is Abigail my living child?" I'm building this house of dreams that could fall apart at any minute. Gone is the innocence of being pregnant and thinking I'm going to have a baby. How am I going to react to a friend getting pregnant in the future. "Let's hope the baby doesn't die" Or when they complain about being up all night with a baby or having morning sickness "well at least your baby is alive" I'm trying to find hope but I feel like I know too much know. I was singing this song in my head. Of course it's Blue Rodeo...they really should pay me for this publicity. "House of Dreams"

"Must have thought you'd always be there

I never even noticed when the changes came one day
Seems one minute you were standing close
I turned around again
And girl you were far away

And every plan we made
Oh I just let them fade
And pile up on the floor
Beside the bed
Now you're gone away
Oh but your memory stays
I sit here thinking of the things I never said

In this house of dreams
I let you walk like a ghost unseen
Out walked my everything
Girl on the day you left"

Every plan I had made is gone. And I hope I can have the courage to plan again. But I have to get off this Scrambler first.

Today is just Blah

I went to my first group meeting last night with a Bereavement support group. It was very emotional. I sit here for hours reading blogs from other baby loss momma's and hearing stories but I don't actually have to see the look on the faces of these women. Last night was hard. It's hard to sit in a room with 5 other women and see the pain. To see the tears and the grief. And all I wanted to do was have a big group hug. But that would have been kind of weird right? I'm glad we went though and we will go again for sure. I think it got my husband questioning some things. He was very talkative this morning which isn't normally his style. He normally listens to me and says the reassuring things I need to hear. He's not one to sit and pour out his feelings. That's what I was hoping. I was hoping that having him around some other dads would kind of get his brain processes going. Last nights discussion was on how men and women handle grief differently. I don't think I really learnt anything. Last night was our first night so I was just a little overwhelmed by the experience. I gave a very very brief synopsis of why we were there. During it I said "and we have a living daughter at home who's five." It didn't faze me but then we got in the car to come home and it hit me. I turned to my husband and said "I never thought I'd describe Abigail as my 'living child'." That was tough.

Today I saw my therapist but really didn't have much to say. I'm just in a blah kind of mood today. I don't really want to talk about. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to do anything but eat ice cream and watch t.v. But that's not really productive. All I've been eating lately is toast and ice cream. I think I've actually lost weight so I may start a blog about it and see if I can market it as a specialty diet!!

I stopped by the gift shop at the hospital and decided to buy myself something for Blaine. So I got a really nice butterfly candle holder. I don't have a proper table or anything for his stuff yet so I've got his memory box on my dresser in the bedroom and I've got a painting for him and some knickknacks on the t.v. stand in the living room. I want to get like a little square console table to have in the corner of the living room and put all of Blaine's stuff on it. And then hope Sissy doesn't knock it over with a ball or something!! This is probably going to be a debate between my hubby and I as he made a comment before that we should keep this stuff in our room. But I want it in the living room so I can see it and so when people come over they will see it. I know he's not trying to hide it, he just thinks it's more private. But no one comes to our house except family so I want them to know I'm still thinking of him and that he's a part of the family and we're just as proud to call him our son as we are to call Abigail our daughter.

I am also thinking of having a little service for Blaine in October, that will be the 6 month mark. I've heard bad things about the 6 month mark so I want to be prepared with something special. We never had a funeral but I don't think I want anything that formal. Any ideas anyone?

Getting a little Religious

I spend a lot of time going over blogs. Mostly blogs of baby loss mama's. I guess I've become kind of hooked on them. I came across one today which really disturbed me. I'm not going to give the title or anything specific about it. It actually made me feel more sorry for this poor woman than I do for even myself. She has lost her baby and she is so angry. From her blog it seems she has no joy in her life. She just seems angry and hateful about everything. I have those moments too, when life seems so bad. But I can't imagine being consumed by it. I think I said before...when I lost Blaine I knew I had really only one place to turn. I can't imagine how hard it must be to not have that support. As much as I am grieving, as sad and lost as I feel sometimes...I know that I'll see my son again. I know that he is not gone from my life forever. I can't imagine the despair I would feel if I didn't have this certainty. If I thought my son had just vanished into nothingness. If I thought that those 17 weeks would be all he ever had. I guess I would also be very angry and very hateful of the world around me. I feel so sad for this woman because she truly feels as if she has completely lost her child. I can't imagine how horrible that must feel. I don't know if my son is an "angel" although that is a nice thought. I do know where he is though.

The first thing I did when I decided I needed help with this was call a Pastor I knew when I was younger. I went to meet with him and talk to him about it. He gave me a book called "Safe in the Arms of God" by John MacArthur. It was very helpful. I had no doubt that my son was in Heaven but it was reassuring that other people felt that too. I know in some religions they don't believe that babies go to Heaven. In the book the author talks about King David (who is coincidentally my favourite biblical character), King David lost two sons (that we hear about). David had a son with a woman named Bathsheba. The infant was very sick and David worried the entire time. He suffered worrying about his baby. His child died at just 7 days old. When David heard the news he stopped grieving. He said " I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." David grieved wondering what would happen to the poor infant but once the child was gone he knew he could not bring his child back. He took comfort knowing that one day he would join him in Heaven. This story while sad was a comfort to me. My child was a perfect being. There is no doubt of where he is right now. And while I'm very sad wishing he was here with me I know I shall go to him.

Happy 3 month Birthday Blaine

Today is your 3 month angelversary. I can't believe it's been 3 months already since you left. But it also seems like a lifetime away. I still remember so vividly your strong kick and the special little flutter I felt. Were you having hiccups? Were you dancing? I miss you baby boy. I read this poem today and it made me think of you...as everything does. I would like to believe that you would say these words to me.

Oh Mother, my mother

Written by Unknown

I touched your tears invisble fingers soothing your skin I know you think of me so often in the day, in the night, in your dreams going into an empty nursery knowing I'll never be there but I am...in your heart in you soul, I shall always be for you gave so unselfishly of yourself. Inside of you, you created such a world for me a world of laughter, of love of sadness, of sorrow every emotion people come to know you shared with me. And even though I may never feel your arms around me I felt your heart beating, like a lullaby, singing me to sleep and your spirit giving me a safe haven already proctecing me nurturing me preparing me of things to come. But sometimes the journey of life pulls souls apartand yes, I had to go on to another place.I wish I could stay I wish this was a decision I could make and I know you do to. Know this wherever you are: I will always remember that yours was the first love the first joy, the first soul I will ever know you gave me courage to go on in my journey I hope I can do the same for you Your heart beat will always call me to you. Love, your child Momma loves you. Just like I tell Sis, all the way up to Heaven and back!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Aunt Flo

Since Friday evening I have been convinced I was pregnant. My period was late. It's only been late twice before for as long as I can remember, both times I was pregnant. My period is so reliable I know exactly when to put a pad on because I know it's coming within the next hour or so. Even after I lost Blaine in April when my period came back in May it was back to normal, as if nothing had happened. I didn't even bother to take a test this weekend. I just knew I was pregnant. I had some spotting yesterday and called and made an appt with my doctor for today to make sure there was nothing wrong. Figured the spotting was normal, it can happen in the first trimester. This morning I got my period. I was probably not pregnant, maybe there's some other reason why it came late. I'll go to the doctor anyway and find out. But I still feel so sad, I feel like I've lost something that I probably never even had. For three days I was on cloud nine. I was so excited and so relieved. I kept saying to my husband on Sunday how relieved I was. So much for that. In three days all of my dreams and hopes for another baby were back. I was calling "him" by his name, had already figured out when his due date would be, had already decided "it" was a "he!" And now I have at least another month to wait to feel this way again. And I keep saying to my husband what if we never get pregnant again? What if it's years? I can't take it. I can't live on this rollercoaster every month. I am a really good mom and I'm a good person. I deserve to have another child. I don't understand why I have to go through this stress and drama. Today I just feel like I've hit the bottom. I feel so depressed and sad and tired. I'm tired of having a dead baby. I'm tired of being upset. I'm tired of dealing with work and insurance companies. I'm tired of having to make appt after appt with people who don't have a magic pill to make it all go away. I'm tired of bad dreams and not sleeping properly. I just want a baby and I don't think that's too much to ask for.

UGH!

I have no better title for this post. Since I am off work I have to deal with the insurance company to ensure I get a portion of my pay. They basically decide whether I have a valid reason to be off work or not. If they say it's not valid then I either go back to work or don't get paid or quit or get fired or whatever. My case worker is not a doctor or a social worker. I had to go back to my doctor and get paper work filled out last week. I called the company today to make sure they got my fax and to update them on some other things that have happened since I submitted the forms on Thursday. They are so blunt and matter of fact about it. My case worker seems very cold. I told her about one new thing and she's like "that has nothing to do with why you're off work" I'm like "yes it's relevant because it's something to do with the pregnancy and blah blah blah" I had to explain to her again that I was pregnant and the baby died. Anything to do with pregnancies or babies is relevant!! They want to just look at the physical stuff. They don't want to hear about the emotional stuff. Having to deal with the insurance company is not helping me. I'm supposed to be using this time off work to relax and work on healing. I'm supposed to be following my treatment plan not worrying about whether or not some cold hearted corporation feels that a dead baby is worth their time. And how long are they going to take to decide? I really really don't need this extra stress right now. I know I'm lucky in some ways, at least I have this option with my employer. But my employer goes on and on about how committed they are to their staff and how they are such a family friendly place to work. In reality though, that's just on paper. When you actually have a situation they basically wash their hands of it and send you to the insurance company. That way they can say it wasn't their fault, not their decision. UGH UGH UGH

Lost and Found

Cara's Mommy Laura had posted this on her blog. It's a quote from the book "Still" by Stephanie Cole.

"I don't think most people truly understand how much is lost when a baby dies. You dont just lose a baby, you also lose the 1 and 2 and 10 and 16 year old she would have become. You lose christmas mornings and loose teeth and first days of school. You just lose it all"

I have not yet read the book but most likely will. It just hit me as soon as I read this. This is exactly what it's like. I didn't loose a 17 week old baby I lost a lifetime with my child. I have lost

• breastfeeding my child
• rocking my child to sleep
• teaching my child to walk
• being anxious as I leave him at daycare for the first time and go off to work
• taking him to school on his first day
• reading to him and teaching him to read
• school functions; plays; parent teacher meetings; field trips
• grade 8 and high school graduation
• comforting him after he's fought with his best friend
• watching big sister teach him lots of stuff, like how to wrap Momma around his finger
• meeting his first girlfriend
• "the talk"
• watching my future daughter in law walk down the aisle
• holding his children and being the best Grandmomma ever!
• having him take care of me when I'm old

Some of those things seem so abstract and far away. And I've not put everything since that would be pages and pages. But this is the short version of everything I lost when I lost Blaine. And it really really sucks.

Since losing Blaine I have gained some things as well. I was blessed to carry this little man for 17 weeks. I gained:

• a new appreciation for daddy
• a bigger commitment to my family
• the memory of this sweet child growing inside me, nudging me
• truly knowing without any doubt now that I will never love anything on this Earth as much as I love my kids
• ultrasound photos of my little guy
• a better relationship with God

That's really all I can think of in the gain department. And some days it goes and I feel like I've gained nothing. But today was a relatively good day so I can look at the "bright side" of things. (for lack of better term)

So, I Googled it

I caved and googled "Prozac," "Prozac and Pregnancy," and "Prozac Side Effects." It was just as horrible as I imagined. And of course totally freaked me out. I ended up having to call MotherRisk which is this wonderful service through the Toronto Sick Kids Hospital. They have all the info on what drugs and activities are safe for pregnancies. I'm not even pregnant but had to check cause you never know when. And it's fine they've assured me, they've even followed kids up to the age of 6 to ensure there were no developmental problems in the early years. The woman on the phone warned me "don't google anything!" I said "I know I know."

Yesterday was a busy day. I also got in touch with the PBSO (Perinatal Bereavement Services) and signed up for group therapy. The woman I spoke to was of course another baby loss momma, cause we're everywhere aren't we? She was so sweet and so caring. She had some really good advice on something I've been struggling with and I decided to take her advice. The situation was that we never told my daughter about Blaine. She knew I was pregnant but not that we had him and he died. She still thought I was pregnant. So, as you recall from a previous post she was still kissing my belly every night and talking to the baby. The woman from PBSO said this was not really god for either of us. So, I told Sissie last night. She handled it so well. She was just very matter of fact. I asked her if she was sad and she said "no, I will see him when I go to Heaven" and that was that. She also said, next time we get pregnant "we'll get the baby out faster so he doesn't die" which I thought was really sweet and sad too. I was expecting a big breakdown but as the woman from PBSO explained at this age the kids are very black and white. They don't see the big issues that we see.

I feel relieved that I told her, she can go to the Butterfly Release with us next year, she can light a candle for him, she can be his big sis now. I don't have to hide him from her anymore. I feel a little sad too though. With Abby I could pretend Blaine was still here. He wasn't completely dead. We could talk to my belly and she was giving it kisses. He was still there. Now that she knows it's final. He's gone.

Not going to Google it!!! But please give your input

I just returned from a doctors appt. I have been diagnosed with Post Partum Depression. I had this after my girl so I'm not completely surprised. I have all the same symptoms I had then, just magnified by 100%. All of the symptoms of PPD plus dealing with a great loss. This time around it's obviously much harder. At least back then I had my beautiful Abby to take care of, made it worth it. It's not worth it now. Yes, I gave birth and my body is going through the same changes it would with any other birth. But I didn't get to bring the baby home. My baby didn't live. So why do I have to go through the post partum? This is just as bad as when the milk came. Two days after I had Blaine my breasts started lactating. Much to their surprise there was no hungry mouth to feed. No reason to swell up like balloons ladies. Although and he probably won't admit it to anyone else, my husband did smile a little those three days. MEN!

Back to the doctors, he has prescribed Prozac. I'm a bit anti drug. I don't even like to take a Tylenol when I have a headache. I did take Effexor for awhile last time and in all honesty it wasn't that bad...I didn't have any severe side effects. I have agreed to give Prozac a try. I will have to take it for 9 months or else can suffer a bad relapse. Which means if I am blessed enough to get preggo again I will have to be on the drug. I don't like this idea. My doctor has assured me that it is perfectly safe. I know the odds are in my favour. But hey, weren't the odds in my favour when I made it to a healthy 4 months with Blaine? Your not supposed to miscarry a healthy baby in a healthy pregnancy after the first trimester, everyone knows that. Statistics show that. Statistics are not my friend.

I am an avid googler. I google everything. My homepage when I log in is google. If I hear something or see something and want to know more I google it! I am not going to google Prozac, or I am trying desperately not to, like an addict I'm taking it minute by minute. I know there will be tons of bad stories about people who died or grew a third eye. I don't want to know. I am going to try to trust my doctor. But I will ask you out there...is anyone reading this on Prozac or have you been? Did you take any when pregnant? If you don't want to leave a comment for the world to see please email me ... lilyorange2@yahoo.ca. I would like some feedback without having to read all of the stuff that google brings up.

Tuesday

I hate Tuesdays. My son was born on a Tuesday. Every Tuesday is a fresh reminder.

Today I am a little uplifted though. Well I guess on one hand I feel really good but on one hand I feel a little bitter. What I feel great about: Today is not the worst Tuesday morning I've had. We received a beautiful care package from Angel Whispers... www.members.shaw.ca/angelwhispers in the mail yesterday. It's a beautiful care package. It had poems and a newsletter. It had something just for Daddy's. It had a cute little bear with blue angel wings and a bottle of lavender calming lotion. And the two most important things: one, a birth certificate for Blaine!! We never got one from the government because he was not yet 21 weeks. Now he has a birth certificate. Recognition. That means so much to Momma. And two, a sympathy card. No one else gave us a sympathy card, not a friend, not a family member. I love this package. I love the people at Angel Whispers for doing this. I once saw an interview with Bono and he said "Don't ask God to bless what you're doing, instead find out what God is doing cause it's already blessed." Angel Whispers, this is what God is doing.

Now what I am bitter about...Pre Blaine's loss I was kind of a snob about internet socializing and groups. I wasn't one to join message boards and try to meet people online. Post Blaine's loss I am so grateful for the support I've received online. The fact that there are so many strangers out there who are willing to take time out of their lives to comfort me and honour my son is something that I will always remember and love about this world. It is also something that is a little upsetting. I know my friends and family care, and they've all given me the "call me if you need anything" schpiel. I know for the most part they just don't know what to say or do. And if I ask them to say or do something I'm sure most of them will. But I don't feel like I should have to call and ask for something. It would be nice if just one person did something without me having to ask. I almost cried when I opened the sympathy card, it's the only one we received. And if you're my friend reading this, no don't send me a sympathy card now, it's too late!! I have one friend who I poured my heart out to and asked to do something for my son and she said she would and then didn't. So, I guess that's how important we are to her. Maybe I am expecting too much from people. I know people are busy with their own lives and dramas. But this was my son. And he's dead. I don't think anyone fully comprehends that. MY SON IS DEAD. And because I care about these people I hope they never comprehend how I feel.

Letter to Blaine

Baby boy, I miss you so much. I cannot begin to describe to anyone the immense loss I feel. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, stabbed, kicked, stomped on and shoved back in. In just those 17 weeks you changed me. You made your presence known my boy. You jumped around, you waved, you craved Big Mac's! You know Momma hadn't touched a Big Mac in about 15 years. But you craved it and then I had to eat it. You were already your father's son. You were so strong. I am sorry I was not strong enough. I couldn't save you, I couldn't carry you. But I loved you boy. I still love you so much, to the Moon and back! That's what I tell Sissy. I love my kids to the moon and back.

Big Sis loves you too. She was right here when I took the pregnancy test. She was so excited, although to be honest she wanted you to be a girl. From that night on she was kissing my belly and saying good night to you and giving you raspberries. Sissy doesn't know you're gone. I could not burden her with this pain. When I made your picture in Niagara Falls I had Sissy write your name. She wrote out all of the letters and then said "what does that spell Momma" I told her. I almost choked on your name. I've never said it to her before. And she repeated "Blaine" and then giggled. My heart was filled with joy to hear Sissy speak your name for the first time. She's learning to read. I know one day she'll see your name all around the apartment and ask "who's this Blaine?" When she's older I will tell her all about you.

And Daddy...you are his first son. There is something special about that. I feel guilty that I lost Daddy's first son. He loves you my boy. I had so many dreams for you two. He would teach you to play baseball; he'd take you to see the Maple Leafs play (would you have hated my Maple Leaf jokes as much as Daddy does?); you'd watch your sports together; he'd teach you to shave and teach you about girls. You would have had a whole lifetime of special moments together.

But my boy, my son, my sun, you are not with us anymore. I know in my heart that you are somewhere wonderful. You are safe and loved and you are with our Father. Maybe you've met Lindsay? And Sadie? I hope so. I want to think of you up there in Heaven playing ball with my old Sadie dog. And Lindsay, I bet she's got her strong legs back? She can run around with you.

But boy I miss you. Knowing how happy you must be gives me some comfort but not completely. I am a selfish woman, I want you to leave the safety of Heaven and come down here with me.

And Baby Boy, Momma doesn't know how to move on. And I know I need to. Not get over but get on. I have to but I can't. I don't ever want to forget you. A part of me never wants this pain to heal. Cause this pain is the only physical part I have left of you. I have my memories; I have your ultrasound photos; my memory box. But physically I have nothing. Nothing but this hole in my heart and soul. I don't want to fix it. I don't want to feel better. I want to be able to move on and be a great Momma to Sissy and to your little brothers and sisters that might come next. I want to be able to live and breath. But I want this pain until I'm with you. Not the suffocating pain...that's got to go. But the gentler pain that keeps you close, keeps you on my mind. I listened to this song today and it made me think of you. A different song every day makes me think of you. This is today's - Garth Brooks "The Dance"

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

I love you so much Blaine, today and forever.

Momma

xoxo