In Treatment

Today is another blah day. I had my first appt with a shrink yesterday. * Disclaimer: I do not mean any offence by using the words "crazy" or talking about ocd in a lighthearted way. I'm not really making fun it's just my way of talking about it. * He was not warm and fuzzy. His office was a mess and he had the light off but the curtains wide open so the sun was lighting the room. He didn't look more than 45 and he was a low talker so sometimes it was hard to hear him. I didn't dislike him. I guess I was expecting a male version of my therapist. Has anyone ever seen the show "In Treatment?" It's Gabriel Byrne playing a therapist and he's got a very warm and cozy office. That's what I was hoping for. But this guy was alright, he was at least very easy to talk to although I was not as comfortable crying in front of him as I am with Dolores. This is what free health care gets you right? lol...I was hopeful after leaving his office because he does not think I'm crazy or that I am going crazy. That is a concern with me because most days I feel like I'm borderline. Like if one more trauma happens I'm going to be flipping the light switch 14 times before I leave the house. I know I shouldn't watch the show "Obsessed" or "Intervention" or "Hoarding" but I can't help it. And sadly I can now relate to these people. There were two people on "Obsessed" the other night and I totally got what they were saying. I have the same anxiety and the same thoughts. At one point the therapist on the show was telling the ocd patient to do something as part of his cognitive behaviour therapy and the ocd guy was looking at the therapist like the therapist was insane and I totally agreed with the ocd guy!! The only difference is I still have my sense of logic. But if that goes I can totally see myself cleaning the house for 20 hours a day. Logic. That is what is separating us. The shrink who I will call "Fraser" for lack of a better nickname says as long as I worry about going crazy then I won't go crazy. He didn't quite word it like that but that's the gist of it. If you think about these things from a logical perspective then they will most likely not happen to you. That gives me hope. The few compulsions that I've had since April 13th are not going to push me over the edge. That is very good news for someone who feels as if they are living at the edge. I am not going over.

Today I am feeling a lot of anxiety. I know I have to go back to work either next week or the week after. I think I'm ready but I'm still anxious about it. I've been able to solely focus on me for a month now and it's felt good. I'm also worried about how I'm going to be treated when I get back. I've been a little bored and I miss the hustle of things around the office and having lunch with my friend Lisa. I think I'm ready to go back I'm just worried that I'm not going to be able to handle the stress. I'm worried I'm going to have a breakdown right there at my desk. But I won't know unless I try right?

On a lighter note. I may be going up to my in laws again in about a month...not for sure but most likely. If you look in Blaine's gallery, I have a pic of his name written in the sand by a waterfall and also, one of his name on the beach in the sand. They are labelled "up at Papa's house" If you would like me to do one for your little one please email me lilyorange2@yahoo.ca I don't know for sure if I'm going but if I do I will definitely take some pics. There's lots of beautiful spots up there.