Year Wrap Up, kind of depressing no?

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
cremate a child; find out that I'm pregnant twice in the same year; start blogging; take Abigail to Disney

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
don't make them

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
me and my sister

4. Did anyone close to you die?
my son

5. What countries/states did you visit?
Florida and the states in between Canada and Florida

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
a successful pregnancy; a summer off to spend with Abby and baby

7. What dates/events from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 15th - found out I was preggo; April 11th - the day I went into labour; April 13th - the day I delivered Blaine; June 29 - the day I snapped! September 17th - found out I was preggo; December 22nd - found out baby was a boy! Also, taking Abby to Florida on vacation; Niagara Falls with hubby

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
surviving

9. What was your biggest failure?
Blaine's death

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
only if mental counts

11. What was the best thing you bought?
wii ; trip to Florida

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my fellow blm's who embraced me and got me through the worst; my husband; my daughter

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
won't name names

14. Where did most of your money go?
food and daycare fees

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
having a baby

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
In My Bones - Blue Rodeo

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? sadder
b) thinner or fatter? fatter
c) richer or poorer? poorer in cash flow; richer in spirit

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
play with my daughter; cherish my pregnancy

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
scream

20. How did you spend Christmas?
cooking and cleaning

21. Which blogspot people did you meet this year?
only one IRL, Dana

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
yes, with my kids and hubby

23. How many one-night stands?
none

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Vampire Diaries

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
not hate but dislike

26. What was the best book you read?
"fearless" by Max Lucado

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The album Recovery. I discovered that while Eminem may not be a BLM he "gets it" The grief, the rage, the depression. It's amazing how someone like that can sum it all up. " I can't tell you how it really is I can only tell you what it feels like and right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe."

28. What did you want and get?
a baby

29. What did you want and not get?
a living baby

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
I've watched lots but they're mostly a blur, maybe "The Last Airbender"

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
dinner and a movie, 32

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not cremating my son

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
no fashion sense

34. What kept you sane?
God, friends, writing

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
no idea, maybe the guy from the V.D.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
abortion

37. Who did you miss?
Blaine

38. Who was the best new person you met?
that's a tough one because I have met so many amazing women online, friends and sisters.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
life is incredibly unfair; not only do bad things happen to good people but the worst of things happen to the best people; I can survive almost anything.

Rest from the Holidays

Today I think everything caught up with me. The hustle and bustle that has been my past week. I haven't slept too much these past couple of days because Abby has a bad cough and cold. I've had to do way too much housekeeping for my liking! And then there's the emotions of it all. Today it all caught up and I spent until about 1:30pm on the couch. Me on one end and my daughter on the other watching hours of stupid cartoons. Finally I dragged us up and we went for a walk and now I'm making leftovers into a stew. I'm feeling a little bitter today. It boggles my mind that I can spend all of Christmas day with people, "family" and they don't once mention Blaine. And all of the next day with my "family" and they can't mention him. The more I think about it the more I'm just disgusted with all of them. My in laws and my family. I guess once someone's been cremated they're out of the family. I don't even think I was expecting anything better or more. So, I really shouldn't be all that surprised. At least today I got to wallow and rest. To take the time to just reflect on what the past week has been and what it should have been. I will be glad for this year to be over. I have this whole speech prepared for them all once I give birth to Caleb. How I'm going to tell them that I want them to spend only the amount of energy and thought on Caleb as they did on Blaine. How they get to see Caleb as often as they mentioned Blaine. I know that sounds really unfair and bitter.
Today I got some bad news about a family friend. I wasn't even aware she was pregnant. But she is about 3 months pregnant with twins and they have died. She hasn't delivered them yet. We all know what an incredibly hard time she must be going through right now. Please say a prayer for her. That medically she will soon be past this and that emotionally she can find some peace with it.

Christmas

Christmas was not too bad. I think I was just so busy that I didn't have time to dwell on any of the negative. Not surprisingly no one mentioned Blaine or what was missing. Everyone was too wrapped up in what they got for Christmas or what the living kids were doing. That is everyone except Big Sis. She knows Christmas is Jesus birthday and she wondered if Blaine was at the birthday party and what they were doing. I said he's probably eating a really big piece of cake with lots of chocolate icing (a corner piece no doubt) and she replied "do you think he'll send me a piece?" lol How easy it is for kids to just take what you say as matter of fact. She and I talked about Blaine throughout the weekend. I know Daddy was thinking about him too. For Daddy's family, who we spent Christmas Day with, the day is mostly about what kind of presents they get. They're not believers and they are materialistic. So, it's all about money and toys. At my Mom's house yesterday I napped most of the afternoon, my sister came by with the kids and we all had dinner together. I loved playing with my nieces...even the baby. I held that baby most of the night. I spiked her hair up and I could see the way Daddy was looking at me. The look in his eyes like he was thinking what I was thinking, should have been Blaine on my lap. There were some sad moments like that but all in all it was peaceful. Big Sis was sick on Christmas Day and I was doing all of the cooking so I kept busy. Papa came for the weekend and brought a baby hat, sweater and blanket that our Aunt knit. She actually knit if for Blaine but no one told me. She never mentioned it until we got pregnant with Caleb. Now it will be for Caleb. I'm okay with that. Since, I never knew it was Blaine's it doesn't really belong to him. It coincidentally is a really nice shade of yellow. Caleb will look so cute in it. So, Christmas is over for another year. Thanks to everyone who sent us cards and notes. They were much appreciated.

Rediscovered Dreams

Today was a big day. I had my 18 week ultrasound today. My plan was to have my doctor write the sex of the baby on a Christmas card and we would read it on Christmas day. But Monkey had other plans. When it was my turn to look at the monitor Monkey decided to moon me. In between two perfect almond shaped butt cheeks there was clearly something dangling! Monkey is a boy!! A stubborn one too, kept moving in the wrong direction and putting his hand up to cover himself so we couldn't get good shots of everything.
I have never felt so much joy to see a penis in my life! That sounds weird I know. I totally would have been happy if I were having a girl, any living child would have been fine with me. There is something special about this baby being a boy though. Not that he will be a replacement for the boy we lost but it does mean that all of the hopes and dreams I had for a son are back. I will get to watch Daddy teach him to play ball and I'll get to dress him in sweater vests and ties! I get to watch Daddy teach him to shave and big sis teach him where to stash stuff she doesn't want Momma to find. I get a daughter in law and maybe one day I'll get to hold my son's son. I always thought I could raise the perfect man, well dressed, well mannered, a true gentleman, strong and sensitive. A momma's boy but a sporty one who's popular and kind. A man who loves his momma, his family and his God. All of those dreams were dashed away but I have hope in them once again.
I have been on cloud nine all day. Even with a bit of a nasty cold. Nothing could have wrecked today for me. Tonight I caught up with some blogs and wept. Tears of sadness and of joy. Joy that my prayers have been answered, and Lisa's! A friend from work who has been praying not just for the baby's health but that the baby be a boy! But there is a sadness for the boy that isn't here, for all of our babies lost this year. The boy who I will not get to share all of the above things with. My first born son. My first dead son. I hope the only child I will ever have to cremate. I wonder if every good thing in my life from now on will be just as bittersweet.

Milestones

For most 17 weeks is not a milestone. It doesn't mark any significant time or action in a regular pregnancy. For me though, it was huge. Today I am 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I was the same when Blaine was born. I was 17 weeks and 1 day when I went into labour. While logically I know that the chances of the exact same thing happening were next to none Friday was still a scary day. I wiped more often just to make sure. I didn't feel much movement on Friday but Saturday Monkey made up for it. None stop karate kicks and punches. The next big thing is Christmas. I'm scared something will happen on Christmas Eve or Day and it will ruin it for Abby. And then there's January 15th, the day I found out I was pregnant with Blaine. I could lose the Monkey on that day. I know I'm catastrophizing and nothing is likely to happen. I have these moments where I feel so good and positive and then they are usually overshadowed by fear that my bubble will burst. That I'm being set up for a loss. Another surprise. What is that scripture that says "do not fear for tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself?" That's what I'm trying to do but it's difficult.

Ouch Moments

Today I did the majority of my Christmas shopping. Yes, I take time off work to shop! I avoided anything to do with "Baby's First Christmas" and stuck to my list. I only snuck one little peek into the baby section of the store. I was doing fine. Got everything I wanted for my daughter and hubby. Got my mom's gift. Just have three more things to pick up and I'm done!! Then I was walking through this one store. I'm not normally a label person but there's one brand of sports clothes that I like, you know the kind Sue wears on Glee?!?! My favourite brand. There was a whole rack of cute little jogging suits for baby boys in this store. I teared up a little because trust me Blaine would have had the red and the blue set under the tree! I almost thought to buy one for Monkey but what if I'm wrong and Monkey is a girl. Daddy's not going to let her wear a boy's jogging suit around. I know it probably sounds silly but things like that I am missing out on and it makes me sad. I'm not one of those people who think Christmas is just about gifts but I do like to spoil my kid and I would have spoiled Blaine too. Even at just 4 months he would have had a full stocking and lots of gifts. I would have snuck him a little taste of mashed potatoes and maybe some cranberry sauce or bread pudding. He's be staring googly eyed at the dancing lights on the Christmas tree. He would have looked really cute in that blue jogging suit!!
So, my cousin who is having a boy and agreed to give him Blaine as a middle name has retracted her agreement. I'm a little bitter. She said she agreed because she didn't want to hurt my feelings but already had a name picked out. WHATEVER! I was planning a preggo girl get together at the spa with her and a friend of mine but now I kind of want to forget about going with her and just go with my friend. I know that sounds childish and I understand her agreeing to spare my feelings but once you agree to something like that you can't go back on it. It would be as much an honour for HER SON to be named after one of my children as it would be for me.
Anyways, I've had some ouch moments this week but in general I'm feeling pretty good about the holidays and the Monkey.

Photos

Two new name photos courtesy of my friend Lisa, we used to work together but now she has embarked on adventures in babysitting! She had a friend take these in Jamaica! Blaine basking in the sun.

The Baby Shower

The baby shower. It wasn't that bad. I ate a lot. There were two kids there other than Abby, both boys, one about 1 and a half and the other 4 years old. She kept them entertained. It didn't bother me to see her playing with the little toddler boy. The only ouch moment I had with the kids was the older boy was wearing a sweater vest. That sounds silly but when I picture Blaine I always picture him in a sweater vest. I worked really hard at balancing what to say and what not to say. I wanted to be sensitive enough to the expecting mom not to mention Blaine but didn't want to deny his existence either. I found myself answering questions about my family and this pregnancy in stealth mode. I picked out the parts of the questions that had nothing to do with him and just answered them. I felt a little bad for doing that but a baby shower for a first time mom is not the place to drop the dead baby bomb. So, when I was asked if Abby was our only child I just pointed out "I'm four months pregnant." And when told that we waited a good amount of time to have another child I just answered "Abby is old enough to do a lot of things on her own now." Omitting without denying. It was tough and because I was consciously doing that I found myself focused on him most of the night, which wasn't such a sad thing. My husband was talking to someone and I could hear him asking them if they were going to just have the one child or start trying soon for another and I thought to myself he shouldn't ask those questions. What if they are BLP? I don't think they were but you never know and questions like that are loaded ones. I don't think I'll ever ask stuff like that again. So, it wasn't that bad of an evening. We all had a good time and weren't out that late.
I realized that for now I can't read any new BLM stories. The ones I already know are ingrained in me but I can't read any new ones. I start to worry that what happened to them is going to happen to me. Yesterday I had a pain in my side and I had just read a new story the day before so for like an hour yesterday I was convinced that what happened to that mom was happening to me. I'm a bit too much of a hypochondriac.

Swirling Emotions

These past few days have been really emotional for me. I've been on the verge of tears since the candle lighting on Wednesday night. And I've had a couple of moments of bitterness. I was just restruck with the unfairness of it all. It's unfair that instead of buying Blaine presents this year I am lighting a candle in his memory. It's unfair that I have to watch some piece of trash on the subway screaming at her two little boys while I wear mine in a pendant around my neck. I feel lonely. I feel anxious. I can always tell when it's a bad week by my anxiety levels. I had a panic attack on the way to work on Tuesday. I cried at my desk on Wednesday, something which is not easy to do since we all sit right beside each other in little pods without walls so everyone can see what everyone else is doing. So I basically have to pretend I'm rummaging in my drawer for something and wipe my tears away so the guy beside me doesn't freak out that I'm crying. He already worries too much about me. I had irrational fears of something happening to Abby on Thursday and Friday. I am great at catastrophizing as the therapist used to tell me. As excited as I am about Christmas and the new baby I think the emotions of it all have finally gotten to me. I'm just exhausted by the ups and downs. The excitement mingled with fear, anxiety, love, grief, bitterness, joy. It's amazing how you can feel an entire kaleidoscope of emotion all at the same time. The problem with that is it takes a physical toll on you. Your mind can't handle all of those feelings at once. It's not "normal."
Tonight we're headed to a baby shower which I'm actually okay with. The first time I saw this woman pregnant it was pretty tough because she was at 17 weeks and innocently thinking her baby was safe. But I'm okay with it now and I don't think I'm going to have any issues at the shower.
Found out by text the other day that my cousin is having a boy. I was a little sad and teared up, not because I wish she weren't having a boy but because my first thought was how nice it was to find out and how I didn't know for sure that Blaine was a boy until he was dead. I asked her if she would give her boy the name Blaine as a middle name and she agreed! That means a lot to me, his name will live on in our family and one day I will tell his little cousin who he is named after. It's the little things like that that are the most precious to me now. I will never be able to express to her how much it means to me that she agreed to do that.

Candle Lighting

Last night we attended a candle lighting service, hosted by our local bereavement group. It was much more emotional than I anticipated. I cried from start to finish, barely even able to coherently introduce Blaine as we lit our candle. Here is one of the poems that was read at the ceremony...

"I will light a candle for you" by Paul Alexander

And I will light a candle for you

To shatter all the darkness and bless

the times we knew

Like a beacon in the night

The flame will burn bright and

guide us on our way

Oh today I light a candle for you

The seasons come and go

And I'm weary from the change

I keep moving on, you know it's not the same

And when I'm walking all alone

Do you hear me call your name?

Do you hear me sing the songs we used to sing?

You filled my life with wonder

touched me with surprise

Always saw that something special

deep within your eyes

And through the good times and the bad

we carried on with pride"

Deja Vu

Or another apt title "The second worst night of my life." Coincidentally it all began with a wipe. At 9:20 last night I went to the washroom, wiped and there was a large blob of mucous. I immediately thought it was my mucous plug. It was about 3 to 4 inches long and looked like a fat worm. It was yellowish white. Of course I rushed to the computer and googled. The images that came up looked exactly like what I had but I had no blood in mine. Usually the plug includes some bleeding. I called this 24 hour nurse help line and they advised that I should see my doctor within 24 hours. Hubby and I decided not to wait but to go to the ER. I was already crying, sobbing actually. He called his sister to come watch Abby. I could hear him on the phone, he could barely say the words. My heart broke. I could only think that my body was killing another one of his babies. His sister arrived and I scraped myself up long enough to change out of my pj's and into some jeans and a sweater. I could barely get my socks on I was crying so hard. I called my mom and said "we're on our way to the hospital." She cried out "why" and I could hear the pain and emotion in her voice. She was losing another grandchild. We drove to the hospital and into the same parking lot we parked in in April. We parked one row forward and a couple spots down from where we parked April 12th.
Talk about deja vu. I held his arm and we walked into the ER just like we did so many nights ago. I immediately recognized the woman at registration and one of the nurses behind the desk. Luckily it was a slow night so we got a room right away. It thankfully was in a seperate area then last time but it was the same room I was in in August when I had the ecotopic. I lay down on the bed which was extremely uncomfortable, it was actually an exam table not a bed. I covered myself in the blanket and cried. I made a to do list. All the things I had to do now that I was losing another baby. Who I had to tell, calendars I had to burn, funeral plans to make, I would have to spend my Christmas shopping money on funeral arrangements. I wondered to myself how I would carry the monkey's ashes around. I couldn't exactly open the pendant that carries Blaine because it is sealed. I thought it would be nice to bury him up at Papa's in the garden but I didn't know if it was legal or not to do that and would the hospital let me take the body. And where would we store him til the spring? All of these things played through my mind, endlessly. I worried about other people too. How would I tell the guy I sit next to at work (I know that sounds strange). He is always asking how I am and worries about me everytime I'm even a couple minutes late. I worried mostly for Abby. She would wake up and I wouldn't be there, just like back then. I would have to come home from the hospital again and tell her the baby is in Heaven. How many dead babies before she starts to hate Heaven?
My hubby paced. He's strong, always strong for me, keeping me calm. But I could see the emotion on his face. He turned his phone on and went online searching for alternative answers to the mucous. Two things got me through this, one my husband who kept telling me all these other possibilities and who read stories of women who lost their plug early but still had babies. He is always the optimist. He is the light to my dark. Second, I shouted out in my head a prayer, "Father don't leave me, just stay with me here." That's it. No plea for the baby. No long winded promise of things I'll do forever if he saves the baby. Just be with me. And so the two most important men in my life picked me up and kept me from falling apart. I felt more calm and was even able to have a nap before the doctor came.
Finally at about 1am a Dr came in and gave me an u/s. I woke up and looked at him and thought for a second it was Doogie! It wasn't though, just a replica. He did an u/s and we woke up monkey! He was sleeping peacefully and actually looked like he was having a bit of a tantrum being woken up! he kept squirming away from the probe but we saw the strong heartbeat, his hands, his feet, elbows and knees. The Dr tried to assure me that this meant everything was fine but I said no, that doesn't mean anything. We had an u/s when we got to the hospital with Blaine too and he was fine. It's not the baby it's me! He said he'd get the gynecologist to come and do an internal exam. We waited until 3:30 am. We talked a bit, I napped some more. We joked about how I'd have to go on bedrest for 20 weeks. The resident gyno came and gave me an internal exam. Thank God everything was fine. Cervix is long and closed. She said the mucous was just built up in there and all came out at once whereas usually it comes out a little at a time. Thank God! The monkey was safe and sound. Hubby and I held each other and I could see his eyes tear up with joy. We finally got out of the ER at 5am.
Last night was a walk down memory lane. It was a fresh reminder that living is a day to day activity. It was validation for me that I need this baby. I also realized more than ever that this baby is linked to Blaine in so many ways. In a good way, this is the replacement baby. This is the baby that will complete our family. I hate it when parents put expectations on their kids and their kids are born with these "jobs." And here I am, I've given this baby the biggest job of all. Monkey has to live. Because Blaine didn't. And we don't want to hurt like that again. I thought about Blaine all night. About how I failed him. All of the things I did wrong when he was born. The things I missed out on like bathing him, wrapping him in a blankie, taking photos, taking his hand and foot prints. I made the decision on the drive to the hospital that if Monkey was going we would do all of those things. We would cherish the few hours we got with him, even if it was just his body. But luckily I didn't have to do those things. And for the first time I don't think I'll ever have to. I think Monkey's going to make it.

I've had this in my head for the Monkey since I found out I was pregnant

"So afraid to love you but more afraid to lose
clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
once there was a darkness, a deep and endless night
you gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light"

I will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan

Different

This time around I am doing a lot of things different in my pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Abigail I was really uneducated about what you should and shouldn't do. I knew the obvious things to stay away from but was never told to stay away from sushi and deli meats and soft serve ice cream and coffee. I probably did a lot of things with her that you're not supposed to and lo and behold she was a healthy 7 pound 1.4 ounce little nut job. With Blaine I did everything right. I didn't eat or drink anything I wasn't supposed to. Stopped drinking coffee until 13 weeks when I started allwoing myself one or two a week. I was very strict about being safe. And he died. This time around I have learnt moderation. Partly because I realize now that you can do everything right and still get the wrong result. And partly, sadly, because I'm not 100% positive I'm going to get to keep this baby. Why deny myself a cup of coffee for a dead baby? That sounds horrible as I write it down but the thoughts are in my head. I worry all the time. I check for blood EVERYTIME I go to the bathroom. No exaggeration, everytime I've gone to the bathroom since I found out I was pregnant I have checked for blood. If I haven't felt a movement for a day or two (like today) I go into panic mode. Haven't felt the monkey move today or yesterday so I'm pretty sure this is the end. However, I've been sure of that twice before and been gladly wrong. It's just part of the paranoia. I know dozens of ways that this baby could die, dozens of ways my body could fail it. I know too much this time around.
There are some positive things though. I have taken some belly shots which I didn't do with Abby or Blaine. I bought the monkey some stuff already (a stuffed monkey and a blankie). I rub my belly all the time, enjoying every minute of knowing there's a baby in there.
So, this time around is very different. It's strange and surreal. As I said before I feel like I've been pregnant all year so it still feels odd to me. Sometimes I think I'm not really pregnant. Sometimes I'm daydreaming about bringing this baby home and I call him Blaine. This is definitely an emotional ride. I'm glad I'm on it but I'm increasingly nervous.

Uckiness Gone!

Well today I am feeling much better but Abby vomited again last night :(. Took her to the walk in clinic and it is the stomach flu so the poor girl is on a strictly fluid diet for the next 24 hours and then just plain foods after that for another day or two. Hubby is on his way home from work so I can rest. Didn't sleep much last night because I was sleeping with her and everytime she moved or made a noise I thought she was going to throw up and would jump up and grab the bowl for her to throw up in. I'm exhausted. It's amazing how lack of sleep can also make you more emotional. As I've mentioned a hundred times already I am still excited about Christmas. But as we walked home from the clinic we passed some stores selling decorations and of course I thought of Blaine. This one store sells kids clothes and they have all of these cute little outfits and bath robes in the window. I know we would have gotten him the Maple Leaf bath robe. And I probably would have bought him a Yankee shirt just to tease Daddy!
I remember this time last year. I was eagerly waiting for Aunt Flo to come! We had decided December was the month we were going to start trying to get pregnant. For the first time I couldn't wait for my period to come! I used an online calculator to determine when I would be ovulating. Now it was just waiting. Waiting for December 22 - 25 to come around. I was so excited, I'd get to be pregnant by Christmas even if it was just a day or two! And I was. We had not trouble at all. Here I am pregnant at Christmas again. But without the baby from last year. I feel like I've been pregnant all year. Though I'm not complaining about being pregnant because I know I am blessed, I will feel glad to get my body back. This is something I get emotional about these days. How fat I've gotten, how rundown I feel, how my entire focus this year has been on being pregnant and having a baby. My focus is usually number one on my family but not like this. This year I have been obsessed with it. It's one of the reasons why I made the decision that this was it, my last pregnancy. Good or bad.

Ucky

That's how I have felt the past couple of days. The stomach flu has attacked me and Big Sis. I haven't felt that sick in awhile but at least I'm feeling a little better today. The headache is gone and I'm not feeling as groggy. Will be back at work tomorrow most likely. And I do think I lost a pound or two! Now my belly looks more pregnant and less bloated. Maybe I will get a seat on the subway now.
I got to walk Abby to school today since I was home. I stay away from the mom's with strollers crowd. Don't need to be reminded that I should be at home this year with my little Blaine. It was cold today, he would have had to wear his winter outfit. And his Maple Leafs hat and mittens.
Had a stupid cry today. Watching Hannah Montana with Abby (no that's not why I was crying although that's sad enough) and her horse was sick and might die. I just started sobbing that who cares if her horse dies, my son died. I have no idea where that all came from.
Hope to be back to physical normality by tomorrow.