This time around I am doing a lot of things different in my pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Abigail I was really uneducated about what you should and shouldn't do. I knew the obvious things to stay away from but was never told to stay away from sushi and deli meats and soft serve ice cream and coffee. I probably did a lot of things with her that you're not supposed to and lo and behold she was a healthy 7 pound 1.4 ounce little nut job. With Blaine I did everything right. I didn't eat or drink anything I wasn't supposed to. Stopped drinking coffee until 13 weeks when I started allwoing myself one or two a week. I was very strict about being safe. And he died. This time around I have learnt moderation. Partly because I realize now that you can do everything right and still get the wrong result. And partly, sadly, because I'm not 100% positive I'm going to get to keep this baby. Why deny myself a cup of coffee for a dead baby? That sounds horrible as I write it down but the thoughts are in my head. I worry all the time. I check for blood EVERYTIME I go to the bathroom. No exaggeration, everytime I've gone to the bathroom since I found out I was pregnant I have checked for blood. If I haven't felt a movement for a day or two (like today) I go into panic mode. Haven't felt the monkey move today or yesterday so I'm pretty sure this is the end. However, I've been sure of that twice before and been gladly wrong. It's just part of the paranoia. I know dozens of ways that this baby could die, dozens of ways my body could fail it. I know too much this time around.
There are some positive things though. I have taken some belly shots which I didn't do with Abby or Blaine. I bought the monkey some stuff already (a stuffed monkey and a blankie). I rub my belly all the time, enjoying every minute of knowing there's a baby in there.
So, this time around is very different. It's strange and surreal. As I said before I feel like I've been pregnant all year so it still feels odd to me. Sometimes I think I'm not really pregnant. Sometimes I'm daydreaming about bringing this baby home and I call him Blaine. This is definitely an emotional ride. I'm glad I'm on it but I'm increasingly nervous.
3 comments:
Yup - I hear ya!
Although I no longer check for blood every day anymore - but definitely did that every day during first trimester. And the food and eating thing - just last night my husband asked me how I was eating during the day when he's at work and I'm at home. I told I'm doing OK. In the grand scheme of things, I know I eat pretty healthy, and I'm pretty sure I ate a little better with Acacia's pregnancy. I told my midwife I might be "acting out" a bit with the food I eat because I know from experience eating a really great diet doesn't prevent horrendous things from happening. She was very supportive and encouraged me to eat "well enough." That I can do.
And the baby moving thing - my baby was so active on Wed. - more so than I would expect for 17 weeks. And of course since then not much is happening. Yesterday I was sure she/he was dead, but then I was able to feel some small kicks to tell me that wasn't true. But I still worry - a little bit every day.
Much love to you, and to all of us on this crazy-making, emotional ride.
Thanks for sharing honestly. I'm not ready to TTC yet, but as I ponder when I will be what it will be like it's just as helpful to share in your rainbow journey as it is your grief journey. Peace to you today.
I understand. With my Hopie I was scared all the time. Her pregnancy was different, it wasn't innocent & naive with occasional fears. It was the opposite. Honestly I wasn't OK til I had her in my arms & she was alive. I'm not trying to scare you I wanna encourage you to keep bein honest cuz I was bottling up my fear & I think that's why I was so nuts. Remember you're not alone, we're here for you =)
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