I find myself thinking a lot about God today and his plans for me. I don't seem to be the only one since about 5 of the blogs I follow have had similar topics in the past few days. From trusting God to believing in God to wondering what God has planned for us next. I have to admit I've never thought of God as a planner. I don't think he put my mom and dad together and said "ok if this sperm meets this egg then you're going to have this girl and she'll have this predetermined life." That would be awfully cruel and pointless. I have never blamed God for "taking Blaine." Not in that sense. I have always understood that I did nothing wrong or committed a sin which required me to lose my son. We live in a broken world and miscarriage and stillbirth and infant death are part of the package. In fact, how much time do the citizens of Earth spend telling God to leave them alone, to let them be free and do whatever they want, be whoever they want to be. Well I believe he has given the world it's wish. That being said, I did feel abandoned. I felt like that guy in the poem footprints who sees the one set of footprints. I prayed and prayed for Blaine to be safe and born healthy and happy, just as I pray for my daughter. And I went into labour far too soon. In the hospital I asked for a chaplain, none came. I prayed for a quick end to what was happening, I laboured for 31 hours. I truly felt like God had just abandoned me on the worst moment of my life. While I don't feel that God caused Blaine to die I know that he could have given me a miracle. He could have interceded and miraculously resealed my cervix, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, why not Blaine? But then I started thinking, when was the last time I interceded on God's behalf? Most people I know probably don't know I'm a Christian. I only discuss religious beliefs with other religious people. At the risk of causing arguments and being called "politically incorrect" I normally keep my views to myself. So, if I'm a closet Christian why would I deserve a miracle? I don't really think God is like that though. I think even though I am wishy washy he isn't. Even when I falter in loving him, he adores me. Even when I sit quietly and listen to the anti church rhetoric, he stands boldly on my behalf. So, why didn't I get a miracle then? If I don't believe everything is predetermined and I don't believe I was being punished or abandoned then what? What was the point? I know Blaine's death changed me and for the better. It's brought me closer to God and I feel closer to my friends and family. Is that it? Is that enough?
Today was a rough day. I walk by the funeral home that we used daily. Most days I don't bat an eye but some days are different. Like today. I feel connected to the place. Blaine's body was only outside of my body at the hospital, the funeral home and the crematorium. I walk by the funeral home and look up at the window, the room where I got to see him. I wish I could go and sit in the room. Even though he's not there anymore. I wonder about his ride to and from the crematorium. I know the funeral home manager picked him up personally but did he ride in the trunk? Did he put him in the backseat or the front seat beside him? Was the radio on? I know these details really don't matter but they are a part of his short short life story. I wish I had all of the details...from the time he left the room in the hospital til the time I picked up his ashes and brought him home. I wish I could track every moment. I miss him today a little more than usual.
I'm sorry to all the BLM's who I've been neglecting. I had cards to mail out to BLM Penpals that didn't get out and I know I missed angelversaries and due dates and I am so sorry. Please know that I still think of you all daily. I just have been really sick and exhausted and haven't even had the energy to take care of my daughter never mind myself.
6 comments:
Thanks for sharing Elaine! I hope you are feeling better soon =)I find myself thinking about God a lot more now after losing Mikayla too. I struggle with making sense of how God played a role surrounding this loss. I would highly recommend the bible study at http://www.anchoredbyhope.com/
Elaine - thank you so much for your sweet comment on my blog - it made me smile! If only we could really do that! :) :) :)
I'm sorry you had a crappy day. It's hard to make it through crappy days on this journey. I agree with what you commented - all you can do is trust God through it all - it sure is a catch 22! :) Love ya girl! <3
This post is exactly how I feel about God. Last night I was thinking about it alot and I wondered why I deserved any sort of miracle, do I deserve for Him to listen to my prayers about the new baby? I prayed for Jacob and it didn't do much good. But then maybe it did. Maybe I got to keep Jacob longer and got the chance to meet him. Maybe God made the experience as easy as it could be.
I also live near the funeral home that we used. i don't go by it everyday, but at least once a week and I wonder where he was kept there...was he in the basement before going to the crematorium, what car did he go to the crematorium in. Did the person taking him there feel a little extra sad since he/she was transporting a baby there? I really wish I could know where he was, who was with him and what those people were thinking and feeling for every minute that he was here after I saw him for the last time.
Thinking of you and Blaine......xoxoxo
So here I go...making my first comment on a blog of someone else who has lost a baby. I've read plenty, but haven't ever felt the need to comment. But I thought you may need to hear what I have to say.
I believe that God does have a plan for all of us. We are allowed to make choices that will alter the plan He has along the way. Some of those choices will determine life and death situations, but sometimes those things can't be avoided in our lives because it would alter the plan of another's life. God can make miracles happen, but he doesn't always intercede when there's another plan for those precious babies of ours. I know that these sweet babies that return to God are perfect beings. It was part of God's plan that they come to earth and receive a body, but they are just too perfect to have to stay here and deal with the heartache of this world. So, as awful as this sounds, and I know because I've heard it myself, maybe this isn't about you. It's about your sweet Blaine. He needed his time on earth, as short as it was, and he is back in heaven, as happy as he can be now. It doesn't necessarily make it easier for us left here without our babies, but it does bring me some peace and a glimmer of happiness for my sweet Gabriel. Hopefully it will bring you some peace when thinking of your Blaine.
I think that this post was beautifully written and heartfelt. Thank you for being so honest and brave.
Now following from Creme de la Creme. (hope you'll follow back)
I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't really know what to say, but I wanted to let you know that I read this and it touched me. I hope you find peace.
(here from creme)
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