Blaine is Still With Us

I thought I'd just quickly check my email.  I never check my email when I'm at my parents house but it had been a couple of days, I just had my coffee and Abby was playing contentedly.  A quick email check.  I opened my email and the first one I noticed was from a name I didn't recognize and the subject line was simply "Blaine."  I figured it was another BLM who was sending me a surprise name photo.  I opened it and started to read and then 5 little words popped out at me "Blaine is still with us."  I reread that line over and over.  How can this be?
Backtrack for those of you who have not read our story.  When Blaine was born we walked away without him.  Because of baby killing laws in my country you don't have to make funeral arrangements for babies born under 20 weeks.  With me being in shock I had no idea what to do so we just left him at the hospital.  I regretted this decision immediately.  I spent the next few months desperate.  What happened to him?  Where was his body?  Every time I looked at the smoke stack that sticks up from the hospital I wondered if he had been burned with the medical waste.
I got in touch with a woman named Cyndi from a local bereavement group.  She did her best to try to get me any information, an u/s photo, photo of his body, anything.  And then, like manna from Heaven, my own personal miracle came in the form of an email, from a nurse at the hospital.  Forget the parting of the red seas, this was bigger than walking on water or turning water into wine.  For an "unexplained" reason Blaine had been embalmed in a jar in the lab at the hospital and then forgotten about.  4 months later he was still there.  Yes, if you were wondering, babies under 20 weeks who are not taken home are disposed of with the medical waste.  Not at the hospital, they are taken off site.  I found this out after I had him back.  This unfortunately happened to a family I met in the bereavement group.  But Blaine had been "missed."
These 5 words probably saved my sanity.  I have no idea where I would be mentally right now if I had found out he had been disposed of with someone's infected liver.  I have to credit Cyndi who worked so hard to help me and then Shelly at the hospital who found him and contacted me.  The funeral home was amazing, so caring and compassionate.  I had to make all of the arrangements myself, the funeral home manager was the one who came with me and stood beside me as I viewed Blaine's little body in his beautiful white casket.
My husband, Cyndi, Shelly and the funeral home manager all tried to figure out why Blaine was still there.  Not that any of us were complaining but what happened?  I didn't care.  I, like Tebow, am not afraid to bend a knee.  I know whose work this was.  God kept Blaine there at the hospital until I was ready to meet him.  He knew his plans for me, not to hurt me but to make me prosper.  (Jeremiah 29:11)  He knew as I stood looking at the little body that seemed to have just fallen from my womb that one day I would need this.  That one day returning my son to me would return his daughter to Him.

Family

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?


I'm sure they dealt with MY LOSS the best way they thought THEY COULD HANDLE.  lol   No, not at all bitter.  At first they were very supportive.  They all came to the hospital, took me home, made sure I was doing okay.  My Dad even called me the next day to tell me he loved me which is not really something we do in our family.  My Mom checked on me a couple of days later and brought me a thermometer so I could make sure I didn't get a fever.  And then nothing.  And more nothing.  When we got Blaine's body my Mom came to the funeral home with me and paid for the services.  She prayed with me in the chapel.  And then nothing.  They haven't mentioned him since and that was 14 months ago.  No mention of him at Christmas or on his birthday.  I don't know if they just assume I'm over it or if they're just over it.  My daughter actually brought it up to my Mom after Caleb was born.  Telling her how she has three grandchildren now.  At first my Mom was like "huh" and then clicked in. 
As for in laws I didn't expect much anyway.  They're not the emotional or talking type.  Conversations are either gossiping about someone else's life or jokingly making fun of each other about something.  I'm sure I've been the topic of much gossip and I have no doubt some of them think I deserve what I got. 
The thing I was amazed by most was that I received the most love from people who I didn't expect it from.  Acquaintances, people at work, our martial arts instructors (Ma'am and Sir as we call them), and of course all of my new online family (sisters in grief).  That's my family now, that's the family my children deserve to be in.

Speaking of marital arts, I had my workout this morning.  I had a complete flashback.  We were doing a certain exercise that we haven't done, or at least I haven't, in awhile.  In fact I remembered as I was doing it that the last time was when I was pregnant with Blaine.  I vividly remembered exactly what I was wearing and how I went extra slow just to make sure I didn't fall.  And then of course it crossed my mind, "did this cause it?"  I'm happy to say I was able to keep it together and not show on the outside that suddenly my mind and heart were flipped upside down.

Day 1 - 4

I am coming to this a couple of days late so I'll do 4 days today.  I've decided to be lazy, if the question is already something I've discussed on the blog then I'm just going to refer to that post.  Well it isn't just laziness but I thought it would be interesting, especially if the posts were several months apart.
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.

Who Am I - July 21 2010
I Am - Oct 2 2011

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

Abby, my princess, my diva, my twin soul.  She has all of my good traits and just a couple of my bad.  She never ceases to amaze me with her brilliance. 
Blaine, my first born son, my lost one.  I know how I picture him and I imagine everyday what he is doing.
Caleb, the new kid on the block, my second son, my rainbow.  He knew when to kick and punch to ease my anxiety and now he fills my days with smiles, giggles and hugs.

My ABC's. 


Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"

My husband, my daughter and the those of us in this sad world of mourning mothers (and fathers).

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

I feel like I could give this the same answer as Day 3.  Husband, daughter, BLM's.  All true.  I think what keeps me going somedays though is my faith in God and Heaven.  My belief that Heaven is a real place and that Blaine is there.  "He will not come to me but I will go to him." 

I Am

I am.
I am a mother and a wife
I am a friend, a daughter, a cousin, a sister
I am a knitter and avid tv watcher and player of games
I am a writer and reader
I am a lover of good wine and cheese
I am so many things, different things to different people in all different places
But this month, October, I am one thing more than all the others
I am a face
One face among many
I am the face of a mother whose child has gone on before her
I am the face of a mother who carries her child around her neck instead of in her arms
I am the face of a mother who beat the statistics but not in a good way
I am the face of a family who will always be missing someone

I actually don't believe the 1 in 4 statistic.  I think it's probably closer to 1 in 3 or even, as one doctor said, 1 in 2.  1 in 4 are the reported miscarriages, stillbirths and infant loss.  But what about the unreported.  Women who weren't sure or didn't know they were pregnant or who miscarried early and never told anyone?  And what about the babies whose death was not an accident but purposeful?  1 in 4 does not include aborted children, unless they are medical terminations.  What about the elective ones?

I hate to use the word Awareness and describe October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  I am fully aware of more than I ever wanted to know about loss and grief.  I don't think we need to make people aware that babies die or that families suffer from it.  I think what we need is to make people REMEMBER.  Remember my child with me.  Remember his life and what should have been.  The people we so desperately want to remember our children with us are already aware.   For me, October is about remembrance and celebration.  Remembering the life I held, the loss I feel, celebrating the love we felt and what the future holds for us. 

Period.

Yes it's that time.  It's amazing how getting my period can bring up so many emotions.  Maybe it's partially the hormones.  I remember when I first got my period, as a teenager.  I think I was in grade 7.  My Mom took me shopping and out to lunch.  I remember thinking about how having my period meant I could have a baby one day.  Naive.  To my young heart a period, as inconvienient as it was, was a symbol of life.  Not that I got all emotional and mother earth every month but that was what I believed of it.  When you start trying to get pregnant it takes on a whole new meaning.  Each period is a curse.  Especially after losing a baby.  While I only had 4 periods in between Blaine and Caleb they were each a slap in the face.  Another month that I wasn't going to have a baby.  Another month I felt I failed.  I dreaded them and hated them.  Now I have my rainbow.  I don't plan on having any more children.  I would love to have two or three more but I don't believe in having kids just because you want them.  I have to look at everything in my life and decide if it's good for the child, not for me.  Having another living child would make it harder on the two I have.  I wouldn't be able to do as much for them.  Wouldn't be able to pay for university.  Wouldn't be able to spend as much time one on one with each of them.  So, unless we win the lottery and I can quit my job, two living children is it.  So, why is getting my period making me so sad?  I think it's just the reminder of what it meant for those 4 months.  How hard it was for me to have it between babies.  Where it once was a symbol of life to me it is now a symbol of death.  Of emptiness.  I just wonder, am I going to feel this way every month for the rest of my ovulating life?

Face 2 Face

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of meeting another BLM in person, I highly highly recommend you do.  Either through meeting an online friend or attending a local bereavement group.  There is a reason why Trekkies get together; why swingers have their own clubs; why jocks hang out at sports bars.  There is a lot to be said about being around like minded, like experienced people.  We attended a group but stopped when I became pregnant.  I didn't miss it at first but I sort of do now.  I love getting together with my sisters of loss.  Even when we don't talk about our babies they are there.  We could be chatting about a movie or book but Blaine is in the room, their babies are in the room. 

If you have not checked out Jack at Random, he has a post today about the group he attends.  He says it far more eloquently than I can.  http://www.jackatrandom.com/2011/09/hi-my-name-is-josh-and-i-have-dead-baby.html

"They are young and old, african american and caucasian and hispanic and asian, married and single, years removed from their loss and months removed from their loss. Their broken bodies and broken hearts enter the room from around the city, from incomplete families and empty cribs, from lives that they didn’t imagine. And while I can hardly remember their names and I know next to nothing about their backgrounds, or where they work or where they live or what kind of people they are, I do know one thing: Their babies died too."  ~ Jack

Hard Truths

We, BLM's, our community, are different then the rest of the population. That is a truth I have always thought of but just recently realized is 100% true. I'm not going to get into all of it because many people have blogged about it lately and I am pretty sure the worst is over. Basically there was this FB breast cancer "awareness" campaign where women were to put "I'm _ weeks and craving _" depending on their birthday. I personally wasn't offended by this but I still thought it was a pretty crappy thing to do. I know so many women out there struggling to either deal with a recent miscarriage or death; struggling to conceive their rainbow or even first child; struggling to deal with a loss and subsequent pregnancy at the same time. To me, this FB game spit in their face. It made a joke of it. To those who participated it was just a fun little game.
And there is the divide. All of our thoughts, desires, words, actions, needs will forever have the stamp of the baby lost on them. We will never make a decision again without thinking of what could have and should have been. We are different. It's a hard truth to accept. Or maybe for some it's a welcome one. You value something more when you know how hard it is to lose it. I will never again take my kids for granted. Never wish them away.
I am sitting here now holding back tears because it's Abby's first day back at school. As excited as I am for her to start this new chapter of her life it is time away from me. I know parents who can't wait to get their kids out the door, who have nannies and housekeepers (even when they're home) so they don't have to care for them themselves. Who complain about how much work it is to have them. And they're right, it is work. It hasn't been easy taking care of two kids all day, everyday this summer. But as hard as it was at times I wouldn't want life any other way. Here I am trying to convince Abby to skip grade one and let me home school her! Thankfully my girl is fiercely independent though so she said no. I have to let her go out and live her life.
The divide is there and yes, there are many many times we will cross it. We all have friends and family who have been there for us and who are sensitive to our special needs and concerns. We drift back and forth between grief and normalcy. There are times when no one would guess we were grieving. And then there are times when the SH*& hits the fan, like with this FB "campaign." When we need to stand together and remind people that we're still here, we still feel the loss with every breath.

Dates

Ah September. A month of beginnings. Abby starts full time school next week. Caleb and I will start to head out to drop in centres and maybe find some other babies to hang with. I like the fall weather and I've been dying to put Caleb in his little sweaters and hats. September. I am reminded daily that I SHOULD be back to work now, I SHOULD be planning a first birthday party. SHOULD I do something for what would have been Blaine's due date, September 18th. I'm actually not too sad about this. I'm just matter of fact about it. Last September was much harder. Now I think I'm at a place in my grief when I can be happy, even on sad days and with so many reminders of the shoulds.
Yesterday I did something I thought I would never ever do. I threw out the wrapping paper that Blaine's box of ashes was wrapped in and the green plastic bag that I carried him home in from the funeral home. I realized that I don't need to keep garbage. Throwing garbage away doesn't mean he's not here or that I don't love him. I would never throw away real mementos but somethings are just stuff. I was nervous I'd want to go picking through the garbage and get them back but I don't. I'm at peace.

Questions

Because I am hooked on this blog now, I find so much inspiration from Angie at Still Life. She had several questions about living children in her post today and offered it up to readers to reply to the questions on their own blog or in the comment section. I've just taken two of the questions which I feel pertain to me.


My question, something that's been troubling me since my son was stillborn last year, is how will I explain this to any future children we're lucky enough to have? I know you have young kids, so I'm wondering how do you explain Lucy's death to them? Drew was our first, so I'm just wondering how I will explain this to any brothers and sisters he may have.

After Blaine died we initially told Abby that the baby would just take longer to get here. I was worried that it would be too scary for her to hear about death. Kids don't really understand time or pregnancy so she bought it. We said, instead of him coming in SK he would come in grade one. This was fine for her but not for me. I couldn't grieve in front of her, I couldn't cry, couldn't talk about him. I realized that if we did this then she would only ever know the next baby. She would never know the baby that died. Blaine would never exist to her. Also, what would we do with the things that have his name on them? She would eventually say "who is Blaine?" And then we'd have to admit to lying. After a good long long talk with a wonderful woman named Cindy from a bereavement group I decided it was best to tell her. We did and she took it fine. She was 5 at the time and most 5 yr olds have a remarkable ability to just see things as is. She didn't cry she just said "I'll see him when I go to Heaven." End of discussion. Now, she talks about him all the time, blows bubbles up to him and wishes he could come visit. She doesn't seem scarred by it or upset at all. It is just a part of our life. Even though Caleb is only 13 weeks I have already talked to him about his big bro. He will grow up attending baby loss events, he will hear us talk about Blaine and he'll see Blaine's name everywhere around the house. I don't believe in sugar coating things. I tell Abby the age appropriate truth when she asks me a question. I'll do the same with Caleb.

Do you ever wonder how your life would be different or your grieving would be different if you did not have your little boy? How do you think your pregnancy or more so your birth and alive baby after your loss help you heal or do you think it did help you heal if even in a small way? Do you ever feel like you want another baby because there will always be one missing?

If I didn't have Abby when I lost Blaine I might have killed myself.
After Blaine I desperately wanted to be pregnant again. I waited one month to have a regular period and then we were off. I was one of the lucky ones who managed to get pregnant within four months. Having Caleb now makes the grief different. It is healing but it also brings up some very strange emotions and questions about life and death. Like why him and not the other one? I am loving and adoring a little man that wouldn't be here if not for death. In many ways he has healed us, as one of my friend's said "if he doesn't heal some broken hearts I don't know what will." I have to believe that there is a reason for this. That Blaine left so Caleb could be here. I still miss Blaine and the endless possibilities of what could have been. But now I have Caleb and although my dreams for Caleb are different I have a future to look forward to again.

Random Thoughts

I was watching a silly sci fi movie and the female lead was preggo and I kept thinking "the stress of this is going to cause her to lose the baby" and then at one point an alien grabs her and I thought "there the baby is dead now."

Pre Blaine if I saw someone staring at Abby on the subway or something I would automatically think "pedophile." Now I automatically think "did they lose a little girl?"

On the bus Tuesday there was a woman and she kept looking at us and then I saw her wipe a tear from her eye. She was maybe mid 50's and I found myself wondering how many babies she had lost.

Usually once an hour, if not more, I find myself thinking of Blaine, of the other babies I know of, of my BLM sisters, of pregnancy and loss in general. It is never far from my mind or heart and therefore many of my thoughts are these random wanderings about loss and grief. A friend of mine counselled me after I returned to work that this grief and loss would "always be a scratch away from the surface." I may return to somewhat normal living and seem like I've got it together but it is always there. Always at the surface, just a scratch away. It makes me wonder if I will ever go a waking hour without having a thought or a pause. I actually kind of hope not.

One Year

Yesterday was one of the darker days. I went from being incredibly sad and bitter to being so grateful that I couldn't put Caleb down. I think he must have gotten a hundred extra kisses yesterday. I felt much better by bedtime but that sense of unfairness and pain and loss continues.
I watched the movie Rabbit Hole last night. It was really good. I felt the emotions were honest and the way the characters interacted with their families and friends was honest. I think I'll have to watch it again when I'm more awake since I was half asleep last night. I have totally been where the mother character was when she slapped the woman in the grocery store. I've never done it but have pictured myself doing it a dozen times.
Today is an anniversary of sorts. One year ago today I carried Blaine's ashes home from the funeral home. I carried them down the street wrapped up tightly. I remember the feeling I had when I got home and couldn't wait to see them and feel them. I took them out of the green plastic bag, then out of the green velvet bag, then unwrapped the brown construction paper, opened the brown cardboard box, pried open the black box which is some kind of heavy duty plastic material and then took out the plastic bag. Yes, a plastic bag, and not even a ziploc, a twist tie. I still remember how I felt smelling the ashes, touching them and looking at all of the different pieces. I still have that same feeling when I look at them. I can't believe that was last year. Time goes way too fast.

Good Grief

I finally have Blaine back. My chain had broken while I was in labour, just the clasp, and I had to get it replaced. I finally picked it up from the jeweller today and Blaine is back on my chest, not quite "where he belongs" but as close as I get. I resisted the urge to tell the jeweller all about it and what it means to me. He's an acquaintance of hubby's and I didn't want to freak him out by telling him I carry my son's ashes around my neck everyday. If he were a stranger I probably would have. It is now fixed and apparently this is quite a good clasp and I should have a problem with it again. The other clasp literally just fell apart when I undid the necklace while I was in labour. Weird.

I'm still in a pretty good place. I've had a couple of moments over the past few days where I've teared up thinking of B. They are normal thoughts though and normal longings. I don't feel like I'm in a dark place. For the most part I am happy. My little rainbow monkey is thriving. I got a really nice gift in the mail from Bailey's Momma, Danae. She knit him a blankie and sent him a shirt that says "Little Brother" on it. And a nice card saying how proud Blaine would be of his little brother and how he's watching over him. I like to think so. That Blaine is Abby and Caleb's personal angel. With them always. We were at the park on Sunday and Abby did another one of her phenomenally amazing things. She was blowing bubbles and she told the bubbles to fly up and say hi to Blaine for her. God, how I love this kid. We are going to a butterfly release on Sunday with the local bereavement group hubby and I attended last year. Abby is really excited to send butterflies up to her brother. I told her she can whisper a message to the butterfly and he will fly up and give Blaine the message.

I feel like the worst commenter right now but it's not my fault, I swear!! I am reading everyone's blogs but unless there is a separate pop up window for comments I can't comment. Don't know why. But I'm here and reading in case you're wondering.

Right Where I Am: 1 year, 1 month, 22 days later

This post is part of a project started by Angie at Still Life with Circles, the one where you talk about right where you are in your grief and what it is like now, so new people can get an idea of the experience of grief further down the road, and so people further down the road can reflect on how far they have come in their grief.

Where am I? I'm now at a place of acceptance. I've accepted the fact that my child died. That my family will miss out on all of the things we should have gotten to do with Blaine. I've accepted that at least in this Earthly life I am a member of the Dead Baby Club. It sucks, everyday I feel the unfairness of it all but it is our reality.

Where am I? I'm not at a place where I can forgive and forget yet. I'm still bitter about some things. I'm still fiercely determined to have my sons brief yet beautiful life recognized by everyone around me, at least everyone who is an integral part of our life. I still love getting photo's of his name or anything else that shows that someone thought of him without me having to ask. I still love to hear his name on a TV show or read it in a book. To me that name is precious music.

Where am I? I am enjoying my Rainbow. I was blessed to get pregnant quickly after losing Blaine and have welcomed our second son into the world. I feel so much happiness and joy. I am still a nervous wreck and worry that at any minute I could lose another one of my children. I am however, trying to be more relaxed and trusting. With the arrival of the Rainbow comes new grief and new "why's." Just this morning I stood in the shower massaging my breasts and had a flashback to when Blaine was born. As a sick joke mother nature decided I needed to produce milk. My breasts leaked and swelled up but there was no baby to feed. I remember standing in the shower expressing some milk to relieve the pain and bawling, bawling, ugly cry. This morning brought a flashback and once again I stood in the shower crying, remembering how much it hurt physically and emotionally. There are still lots of moments like that even after all this time. Moments where I'm crippled with a memory or guilt over something I wish I had done differently.

Where am I? I think spiritually, emotionally and physically I am a much stronger person. I have a clearer sense of what my priorities are now. I know exactly what I want and don't want in my family's life. I am much more the mother lioness. I will protect them at any cost because I know now what it feels like to lose a member. I've grown a lot over this past year. I've made some great new friends, sisters who I cherish. I have fallen in love with my husband over and over again. I have watched my daughter love and honour her little brother in a way I that overwhelmes me with love for her and her little soul. I am more loyal, more trusting of people (never thought I'd make a friend online and yet here I am) and more open about myself. There is an expression that when you have a child you make the decision to forever wear your heart outside of your body. I think when you lose a child one of the best decisions you can make is to expose your very heart and soul to others. A group praying and sharing together is a powerful healing force.

This past year, month and 22 days have been a scrambler of emotion. So many high highs and very low lows. Most importantly I survived it. It may have taken therapy, psychiatry, group sessions, lots of blogging, endless tears, screaming, fighting, anti depressants, and lots of conversations but I made it through. That to me is a testament. A testament of who I really am and who I want to be.

Dark Day

If you know what the weather is here in the Tdot then you know it perfectly fits my mood today. Gloomy, cold, grey. I feel I've fallen into a pit of loneliness. I feel so alone in my grief and remembrance right now. I don't really have any reason in particular for this. But that's grief right? Sometimes it's timing is imperfect. Or maybe it is just because I felt so utterly abandoned this past week. It's sad to me that IRL there were four of us that remembered Blaine's birthday. And as I said I can't be too surprised, I don't remember everyone's bdays. My cousins have tons of kids and I don't even know the months of all of their bdays. So, it's not like I expected family from all over the country to reach out. But I did actually expect my mother to. Or my sister. Or dad. Maybe it was just too much to ask of them. And I won't mention it because I don't need people thinking of my son out of pity. If they don't remember him on their own then I'm not going to try to force them to. Now I'm at a point where I'm pretty much bitter. Bitter, sad and lonely. I feel like I've just become a burden to my husband. As good as he's been and is he'll never admit it though. This is where I'm at though. There is a huge myth in the pregnancy loss world that getting pregnant after a loss will make things easier. I admit finding out I was pregnant with Caleb the day before Blaine's EDD was a help. Being pregnant on Blaine's birthday though made it much worse. Not only did I have to mourn my son but I had to worry about what that mouring and anxiety was doing to the son I was supposed to be nourishing. What effect does this grief and sadness have on little Caleb's heart and soul? It just added more guilt and anxiety to an already rough day. Not saying I wish I wasn't pregnant right now but for anyone who thinks it's a fix, it isn't. It will at times actually make you feel worse. I know I have so much to look forward to in the next month. I also know that I'm going to have times when I just want to cut everyone out of me and my kids lives and retreat.

Life Lessons

I have learnt so many things this past year. Namely the following, in no particular order, please bare with the obvious sarcasm in some points.

1. Your body has an endless supply of tears and snot.

2. Strangers are sometimes the kindest friends.

3. It is possible to feel an immense amount of joy and an immense amount of pain at the exact same moment.

4. I can survive, the question has always been more like "do I want to?"

5. It is possible to love a human being so small they can fit in the palm of your hand.

6. Logic cannot exist in the same moment as grief.

7. The approximate time for others to grieve and move past the death of your child is one week. After that you are on your own.

8. God is good and loving, even when you hate him.

9. Guilt is a disease and needs to be treated like one.

10. You will feel an immense amount of pride and love at the simplest of things, like seeing your child's name written out by a stranger. (see point 2)

11. There are few things better in life than receiving "Blaine Mail." It never even makes it to the elevator before it's ripped open.

12. My husband has endless amounts of patience and doesn't mind if his shirts are soaked in tears.

13. My daughter is a one of the kindest souls I have ever known.

14. Having post partum depression but no baby at home isn't worth it.

15. There are far far too many dead babies in the world.

That's what I can think of for now. Of course, I have learnt so much about human behaviour and about myself. I've always been very observant of people and can always read people within minutes of meeting them. The one thing that has surprised me throughout this journey is the true sisterhood of the BLM. I've always been very skeptical of the internet and people who find friendships and love online. That all changed when I started looking for answers back in May 2010. The internet really became my go to guide on loss and healing. I guess the number one thing I learnt this year is that angels exist where you least expect them and God truly does work in mysterious ways.

A Better Day

What a week. Two more work weeks to go, can you tell I'm thrilled to be leaving? I'm actually feeling a little better now. I think I just needed a really good cry. Which I had the other night. Shut myself in the shower and allowed myself to completely fall apart. Rare for me. Usually I have to keep it together at work, keep it together in front of Abby and now I have to keep it together because Caleb feels and hears everything. But the other night it was just too much. I needed the release and it did help. I realized that my mind can really only take one thing at a time. The morbidly good thing about focusing on Blaine and his approaching "birth"day is that I am no longer feeling anxious about Caleb or Abby. I guess it's my mind's way of protecting itself from overload but while I'm focused on one grief I can't even think about anything else.
I was reading a book on husband coached labour by this doctor. Everything he said about labour I totally agreed with and it made sense. It places a lot of responsibility on the husband for making sure I'm comfy and helping to relieve my anxiety. He has a 96% success rate in his own practice. Meaning, 96% of his patients are able to go through labour with no medical interventions. I don't think many doctors can say that. I was really impressed with some of his advise and will definitely try the techniques. However, he is a bit wacky. He grew up on a farm and is all about being natural, including suggesting pregnant women not wear underwear so the vagina can breath! I thought, okay he's a bit eccentric. Then I got to the chapter on how a husband can help his wife through pregnancy loss. I had to stop reading the book when he dropped the term "natural selection." And talked about how the "womb would expel anything not viable to start over again." It was a very clinical way to talk about loss and I was appalled to be honest. I can't imagine what my husband's reaction would have been to reading that chapter after we lost Blaine. And if he had of tried to make me feel better with some of those lines from the book I would have killed him! So, the part of the book about getting through labour without intervention was great...the rest in my opinion was a big pile of crapola.

Swirling Emotions

These past few days have been really emotional for me. I've been on the verge of tears since the candle lighting on Wednesday night. And I've had a couple of moments of bitterness. I was just restruck with the unfairness of it all. It's unfair that instead of buying Blaine presents this year I am lighting a candle in his memory. It's unfair that I have to watch some piece of trash on the subway screaming at her two little boys while I wear mine in a pendant around my neck. I feel lonely. I feel anxious. I can always tell when it's a bad week by my anxiety levels. I had a panic attack on the way to work on Tuesday. I cried at my desk on Wednesday, something which is not easy to do since we all sit right beside each other in little pods without walls so everyone can see what everyone else is doing. So I basically have to pretend I'm rummaging in my drawer for something and wipe my tears away so the guy beside me doesn't freak out that I'm crying. He already worries too much about me. I had irrational fears of something happening to Abby on Thursday and Friday. I am great at catastrophizing as the therapist used to tell me. As excited as I am about Christmas and the new baby I think the emotions of it all have finally gotten to me. I'm just exhausted by the ups and downs. The excitement mingled with fear, anxiety, love, grief, bitterness, joy. It's amazing how you can feel an entire kaleidoscope of emotion all at the same time. The problem with that is it takes a physical toll on you. Your mind can't handle all of those feelings at once. It's not "normal."
Tonight we're headed to a baby shower which I'm actually okay with. The first time I saw this woman pregnant it was pretty tough because she was at 17 weeks and innocently thinking her baby was safe. But I'm okay with it now and I don't think I'm going to have any issues at the shower.
Found out by text the other day that my cousin is having a boy. I was a little sad and teared up, not because I wish she weren't having a boy but because my first thought was how nice it was to find out and how I didn't know for sure that Blaine was a boy until he was dead. I asked her if she would give her boy the name Blaine as a middle name and she agreed! That means a lot to me, his name will live on in our family and one day I will tell his little cousin who he is named after. It's the little things like that that are the most precious to me now. I will never be able to express to her how much it means to me that she agreed to do that.

Untitled

Haven't written since Tuesday. My mind is just full up of stuff right now. I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around me. As I approach 17 weeks with this pregnancy I am increasingly anxious. Every pain, every cramp makes me worry. Sadly the only peace of mind I've been able to come to is that if the baby does die I know it will not crush me. I know I am strong enough to survive it. So, I am waiting. Blaine was born the day before my wedding anniversary. My birthday is on the 28th so I have this fear that I will lose this baby around my birthday. That another special day this year will be tarnished. I tell myself I will feel better after my u/s this afternoon. But really that will only give me peace for a week or two. I know if the results are positive then at least my cervix is good for another couple of weeks. Then I will go into anxiety mode again. I want to go to my appt with Dr. Sasquatch tomorrow and have him tell me that everything is going to be alright and that this time around there is a 100% chance the baby will live.
Saturday I went to do some Christmas shopping with my mom and sister. They just opened up a really cute kids clothing store. It is a BLM nightmare. As soon as you walk in down the main aisle is all of the cutesy "Baby's First Christmas" and "Santa's Favourite" crap. Then I turn to my right and it's the baby boy section. I, being a masochist, had to have a closer look. I drooled over the "Mommy's Little Monster," "No Girls Allowed (except Mommy)" and "Little Bro" shirts. I would have bought Blaine one of each. I could barely breath. But I kept it together because my mom and sister and daughter were loving the place. I bought my newest niece a cute little outfit and my daughter some hairbands. And then I did something totally wacky. I bought something for the little bean (who I now call my little monkey). I bought him a very soft little blankie to come home in and I bought him a little stuffed monkey. I am convinced now I'm having a boy although as long as they come home alive I don't really care. So, the little monkey now has stuff. They have stuff to come home to. It made me feel a little better to do that. I kept it together until later on in the evening and then I cried. I cried because my mom bought my niece a baby's first Christmas shirt. And not Blaine. Not that I expected her to buy a shirt for a dead baby but I expect that he should be here to wear the shirt! I know Christmas will be tough. My in laws are coming here Christmas day. They won't mention him. They never have. Not even to say "sorry you lost your baby." The only emotion they handle well is anger. And that's fine. I will have time in the morning with my husband and in the evening to think of Blaine and talk about him. I know my mom will most likely say something when we go over there boxing day. And I know my sister still thinks of him. That's enough for me. As long as the people who would have been important to him still care that is enough. Everyone else can go about their lives and holidays. We will find a way to remember him and keep him in the celebration.

What I Mourn The Most

It's so easy in the early stages to get wrapped up in what I lost and what I miss. I was so self absorbed, worried about how I would move on and what MY life would be like in the future. Now that I have come to a peaceful place with myself I find the things I miss and mourn the most are not for me but for others. Others who have lost so much and not gained what I have. I mourn for my daughter who has lost her little brother. Who will never walk him to school holding hands or fight over the remote control. Who will never yell at him to get out of her room or cuddle up with him in the backseat of the car on the way to Papa's. She doesn't get to sit in the rocking chair and hold her baby brother. When she talks about him to her friends and teacher she is talking about an angel waiting for her in heaven (and she talks about him a lot!). Big Sis has handled it so well, as only an innocent child can. She very matter of factly said "I'm not sad, I'll see him when I go to Heaven." And that's her reality.
I mourn for my hubby. Everytime I see a boy and his Daddy on the subway or I see a commercial with a Daddy and his son playing sports or watching a game together. He doesn't get to take his son to hockey games and baseball games. He doesn't get to teach him how to shave or drive a car. Daddy won't teach Blaine how to make Momma and Sissy's favourite pancakes. Everytime I see a father and son I think of what he's lost.
I mourn for my parents who had to watch their daughter lose her baby. They sat in the hospital room and I knew they would have done anything to take my pain. My Mom is usually the emotional mess in the family but she kept it together for me that day. My Dad hates hospitals and Blaine's was the only birth he's ever attended. And I love them for that.
I mourn for my nephew who had to tell his Auntie he's sorry she lost the baby. And for my sister who still calls Blaine her nephew, and I love that.
These are the things that make me the saddest now. I know what I have lost and have come to peace with that. I know I have an eternity with Blaine waiting for me once I've finished what I am here to do in this life. I know he is up there planting my garden! When I get there he's going to have a big party waiting for me and the two of us are going to spend so much time just getting to know each other. It is harder to come to peace with what others have lost though.

Outsiders

I'm sitting here crying right now. I don't really have a reason. I am extremely emotional today and was last night as well. Last night I found myself crying in bed because of work. I never cry over work, I just don't care enough to cry over it. But I'm covering vacations and while I'm still not that busy I'm terrified. I'm scared I'm going to screw up someone else's work while they're gone. I'm scared I'm going to have to go off on bedrest and not be able to work. I'm scared of letting people down because I really am not in a secure place right now. I'm feeling much better but my self esteem has still taken a blow. And that's something I'm still working on. I used to be so confident, almost cocky. Now I am always worried to make a decision in case it's the wrong one. I'm scared stressing over all of this will make me lose this baby and then I won't be able to return to work because I'll hate it and blame it.
Right now I'm crying because I cried last night and I feel stupid.
I had two good conversations at work today. Finally someone asked me about my necklace! She came over and touched it and said it was really nice. There was a bit of an awkward moment when I told her what it was and she looked as if I had just burned her finger. But she kept asking me questions and wanted to know all about it and where I got it. So, it was still nice.
A good friend of mine at work asked me about this blog and other mom's blogs that I read. She wondered if it made me feel worse or better. I told her at the beginning it made me feel so much better because I knew I was not alone and I had so many women to talk to. Now it is just part of my life. This is the world I live in now. She asked about the photos, how some women post photos of their babies living and dead on their blogs. I explained that I have photos of my living child all around so why would they not have photos of their children around. I know to her it seems morbid and she doesn't understand. I told her I hope she never understands because you really have to be a BLM to get it. I told her someone could walk in the room with a dead baby and I wouldn't flinch. This is just my reality now. I'm glad she asked though and that we got to talk about it. She wasn't rude or disgusted. She was just really curious and that's totally understandable. I know "outsiders" will never totally get it but at least there are some out there who are willing to try. I wonder what I would have thought had I stumbled on the community on April 10th. Before I found myself having to google "pregnancy loss." I wonder what I would think of my own blog if I were looking at him from someone else's perspective. Would I think that I was dwelling on death and negativity or would I be able to see the hope and beauty in it?Would I see Blaine in it?