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Haven't written since Tuesday. My mind is just full up of stuff right now. I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around me. As I approach 17 weeks with this pregnancy I am increasingly anxious. Every pain, every cramp makes me worry. Sadly the only peace of mind I've been able to come to is that if the baby does die I know it will not crush me. I know I am strong enough to survive it. So, I am waiting. Blaine was born the day before my wedding anniversary. My birthday is on the 28th so I have this fear that I will lose this baby around my birthday. That another special day this year will be tarnished. I tell myself I will feel better after my u/s this afternoon. But really that will only give me peace for a week or two. I know if the results are positive then at least my cervix is good for another couple of weeks. Then I will go into anxiety mode again. I want to go to my appt with Dr. Sasquatch tomorrow and have him tell me that everything is going to be alright and that this time around there is a 100% chance the baby will live.
Saturday I went to do some Christmas shopping with my mom and sister. They just opened up a really cute kids clothing store. It is a BLM nightmare. As soon as you walk in down the main aisle is all of the cutesy "Baby's First Christmas" and "Santa's Favourite" crap. Then I turn to my right and it's the baby boy section. I, being a masochist, had to have a closer look. I drooled over the "Mommy's Little Monster," "No Girls Allowed (except Mommy)" and "Little Bro" shirts. I would have bought Blaine one of each. I could barely breath. But I kept it together because my mom and sister and daughter were loving the place. I bought my newest niece a cute little outfit and my daughter some hairbands. And then I did something totally wacky. I bought something for the little bean (who I now call my little monkey). I bought him a very soft little blankie to come home in and I bought him a little stuffed monkey. I am convinced now I'm having a boy although as long as they come home alive I don't really care. So, the little monkey now has stuff. They have stuff to come home to. It made me feel a little better to do that. I kept it together until later on in the evening and then I cried. I cried because my mom bought my niece a baby's first Christmas shirt. And not Blaine. Not that I expected her to buy a shirt for a dead baby but I expect that he should be here to wear the shirt! I know Christmas will be tough. My in laws are coming here Christmas day. They won't mention him. They never have. Not even to say "sorry you lost your baby." The only emotion they handle well is anger. And that's fine. I will have time in the morning with my husband and in the evening to think of Blaine and talk about him. I know my mom will most likely say something when we go over there boxing day. And I know my sister still thinks of him. That's enough for me. As long as the people who would have been important to him still care that is enough. Everyone else can go about their lives and holidays. We will find a way to remember him and keep him in the celebration.