Darkness

"They gave so much to be so little...but angels always do."

Thank you Melissa for sharing that, it is my new favourite quote.

There was a point after Blaine where all of my thoughts were dark. I never shared them with anyone, not the therapist, pyschiatrist, hubby, no one. They were the types of thoughts people get "labelled" for having. Labels like "suicidal," "homicidal," "crazy." The kind of thoughts that get used against you in custody battles and lawsuits. The kind you aren't supposed to share unless you're writing the screenplay for "Pet Semetary 3" or "Saw 23." The dark period thankfully didn't last long and is gone now. It's just a memory now, a memory of days when I felt like I was walking on the line between reality and insanity. I had an appt with my psychiatrist yesterday and find myself talking about how well I was feeling emotionally. And I really am. Maybe it's the zoloft? Maybe it's the positive pregnancy hormones? Maybe it's acceptance? Or a bit of all three. I just know that I feel good. Still sad, I cried a little on the way home tonight cause Big Sis asked if we were buying Blaine a Christmas present. But other than some bittersweet moments I am happy again. I am normal. I feel a normal amount of sadness at the loss of my child I feel a normal amount of stress and anxiety. I am normal. And if feels so good to say that.