Period.

Yes it's that time.  It's amazing how getting my period can bring up so many emotions.  Maybe it's partially the hormones.  I remember when I first got my period, as a teenager.  I think I was in grade 7.  My Mom took me shopping and out to lunch.  I remember thinking about how having my period meant I could have a baby one day.  Naive.  To my young heart a period, as inconvienient as it was, was a symbol of life.  Not that I got all emotional and mother earth every month but that was what I believed of it.  When you start trying to get pregnant it takes on a whole new meaning.  Each period is a curse.  Especially after losing a baby.  While I only had 4 periods in between Blaine and Caleb they were each a slap in the face.  Another month that I wasn't going to have a baby.  Another month I felt I failed.  I dreaded them and hated them.  Now I have my rainbow.  I don't plan on having any more children.  I would love to have two or three more but I don't believe in having kids just because you want them.  I have to look at everything in my life and decide if it's good for the child, not for me.  Having another living child would make it harder on the two I have.  I wouldn't be able to do as much for them.  Wouldn't be able to pay for university.  Wouldn't be able to spend as much time one on one with each of them.  So, unless we win the lottery and I can quit my job, two living children is it.  So, why is getting my period making me so sad?  I think it's just the reminder of what it meant for those 4 months.  How hard it was for me to have it between babies.  Where it once was a symbol of life to me it is now a symbol of death.  Of emptiness.  I just wonder, am I going to feel this way every month for the rest of my ovulating life?

IVF Article

http://news.nationalpost.com/2011/09/22/doctor-decries-in-vitro-fertilization-legacy-of-%E2%80%98sick-babies%E2%80%99/

Intersting stats on IVF and multiple babies.  If your read it read also the comment section.  I wonder how many of the people making the comments have actually lost children or even had children. 

Anniversaries

One year ago yesterday I peed on a stick and officially welcomed Caleb into our family.  It was a bittersweet night.  Knowing that the next day, one year ago today, September 18th was Blaine's expectant due date.  My boys.  In front of me sits one, in his bumbo chair, playing with his big sister.  And around my neck is my first son.  Ashes in a pendant.  It hardly seems fair but like the song goes "you can't have one without the other."  And I am finally okay with that.

Face 2 Face

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of meeting another BLM in person, I highly highly recommend you do.  Either through meeting an online friend or attending a local bereavement group.  There is a reason why Trekkies get together; why swingers have their own clubs; why jocks hang out at sports bars.  There is a lot to be said about being around like minded, like experienced people.  We attended a group but stopped when I became pregnant.  I didn't miss it at first but I sort of do now.  I love getting together with my sisters of loss.  Even when we don't talk about our babies they are there.  We could be chatting about a movie or book but Blaine is in the room, their babies are in the room. 

If you have not checked out Jack at Random, he has a post today about the group he attends.  He says it far more eloquently than I can.  http://www.jackatrandom.com/2011/09/hi-my-name-is-josh-and-i-have-dead-baby.html

"They are young and old, african american and caucasian and hispanic and asian, married and single, years removed from their loss and months removed from their loss. Their broken bodies and broken hearts enter the room from around the city, from incomplete families and empty cribs, from lives that they didn’t imagine. And while I can hardly remember their names and I know next to nothing about their backgrounds, or where they work or where they live or what kind of people they are, I do know one thing: Their babies died too."  ~ Jack

Missing Moments

I purposefully watched the end of Pretty in Pink last night just so I could see the parking lot scene.  It's dark, the ground glitters from the rain, Molly Ringwald comes running up and yells out "Blaine!"  They kiss and make up.  They probably live happily ever after.  While my Blaine would have been much better looking that this Blaine and more fashionable, I still couldn't help but tear up a little.  No woman will run after him.  Except me.

Hard Truths

We, BLM's, our community, are different then the rest of the population. That is a truth I have always thought of but just recently realized is 100% true. I'm not going to get into all of it because many people have blogged about it lately and I am pretty sure the worst is over. Basically there was this FB breast cancer "awareness" campaign where women were to put "I'm _ weeks and craving _" depending on their birthday. I personally wasn't offended by this but I still thought it was a pretty crappy thing to do. I know so many women out there struggling to either deal with a recent miscarriage or death; struggling to conceive their rainbow or even first child; struggling to deal with a loss and subsequent pregnancy at the same time. To me, this FB game spit in their face. It made a joke of it. To those who participated it was just a fun little game.
And there is the divide. All of our thoughts, desires, words, actions, needs will forever have the stamp of the baby lost on them. We will never make a decision again without thinking of what could have and should have been. We are different. It's a hard truth to accept. Or maybe for some it's a welcome one. You value something more when you know how hard it is to lose it. I will never again take my kids for granted. Never wish them away.
I am sitting here now holding back tears because it's Abby's first day back at school. As excited as I am for her to start this new chapter of her life it is time away from me. I know parents who can't wait to get their kids out the door, who have nannies and housekeepers (even when they're home) so they don't have to care for them themselves. Who complain about how much work it is to have them. And they're right, it is work. It hasn't been easy taking care of two kids all day, everyday this summer. But as hard as it was at times I wouldn't want life any other way. Here I am trying to convince Abby to skip grade one and let me home school her! Thankfully my girl is fiercely independent though so she said no. I have to let her go out and live her life.
The divide is there and yes, there are many many times we will cross it. We all have friends and family who have been there for us and who are sensitive to our special needs and concerns. We drift back and forth between grief and normalcy. There are times when no one would guess we were grieving. And then there are times when the SH*& hits the fan, like with this FB "campaign." When we need to stand together and remind people that we're still here, we still feel the loss with every breath.

Dates

Ah September. A month of beginnings. Abby starts full time school next week. Caleb and I will start to head out to drop in centres and maybe find some other babies to hang with. I like the fall weather and I've been dying to put Caleb in his little sweaters and hats. September. I am reminded daily that I SHOULD be back to work now, I SHOULD be planning a first birthday party. SHOULD I do something for what would have been Blaine's due date, September 18th. I'm actually not too sad about this. I'm just matter of fact about it. Last September was much harder. Now I think I'm at a place in my grief when I can be happy, even on sad days and with so many reminders of the shoulds.
Yesterday I did something I thought I would never ever do. I threw out the wrapping paper that Blaine's box of ashes was wrapped in and the green plastic bag that I carried him home in from the funeral home. I realized that I don't need to keep garbage. Throwing garbage away doesn't mean he's not here or that I don't love him. I would never throw away real mementos but somethings are just stuff. I was nervous I'd want to go picking through the garbage and get them back but I don't. I'm at peace.

To Ellen

 How do you keep it together?? Sometimes when I think I've got it under control, I burst into tears again. How do you do it??

Ellen, I still sometimes burst into tears.  I still can't control it at times.  That pain never ever goes away.  It just becomes a part of your life.  I can talk frankly about Blaine now, about the labour and death, without crying or tearing up.  It probably seems to people that "I'm over it" or that it's not a big deal to me anymore.  That's the opposite.  It still is but it's just become such a part of my life.  I think I kept it together because I had to.  I am lucky to have an older child who needed me and a husband who was really really supportive.  Without that I don't know how it would have turned out.  I had to keep going because I was needed.  I took the time I needed to get past the worst of it.  I had people in real life who supported me in different ways.  I went to a therapist and a psychiatrist and took meds for awhile.  I took some time off of work.  I did what I needed to do regardless of what anyone else may have thought.  Plus, I had all of the friends I've made online.  My sisters who lost babies within the same 4 or 5 months.  That is the key, finding peers who have been there or who are there.  People you can message or email and tell them a crazy thought you had or let them know you can't stop crying today.  The best part of that is, they are probably feeling the same way at that moment or felt that same way yesterday.  It's exactly the kind of support you need.  Please email me if you ever want to talk, lilyorange2@yahoo.ca.