Period.

Yes it's that time.  It's amazing how getting my period can bring up so many emotions.  Maybe it's partially the hormones.  I remember when I first got my period, as a teenager.  I think I was in grade 7.  My Mom took me shopping and out to lunch.  I remember thinking about how having my period meant I could have a baby one day.  Naive.  To my young heart a period, as inconvienient as it was, was a symbol of life.  Not that I got all emotional and mother earth every month but that was what I believed of it.  When you start trying to get pregnant it takes on a whole new meaning.  Each period is a curse.  Especially after losing a baby.  While I only had 4 periods in between Blaine and Caleb they were each a slap in the face.  Another month that I wasn't going to have a baby.  Another month I felt I failed.  I dreaded them and hated them.  Now I have my rainbow.  I don't plan on having any more children.  I would love to have two or three more but I don't believe in having kids just because you want them.  I have to look at everything in my life and decide if it's good for the child, not for me.  Having another living child would make it harder on the two I have.  I wouldn't be able to do as much for them.  Wouldn't be able to pay for university.  Wouldn't be able to spend as much time one on one with each of them.  So, unless we win the lottery and I can quit my job, two living children is it.  So, why is getting my period making me so sad?  I think it's just the reminder of what it meant for those 4 months.  How hard it was for me to have it between babies.  Where it once was a symbol of life to me it is now a symbol of death.  Of emptiness.  I just wonder, am I going to feel this way every month for the rest of my ovulating life?