Then and Now

The Dream. 

Last year I was dreaming about two boys.  This year I am blessed enough to be holding one, loving one, nursing one, teaching one.

I remember how anxious I was about Caleb, would he make it?  I wish I could go back and reassure pregnant me that he would.  Tell her to enjoy it.  Looking back at how nervous I was I know I missed important things.  I remember the anxiety more than I remember the joy.  I do remember the kicks and nudges.  How he'd let me know he was still there, still moving and breathing.  He is truly a Momma's boy.  He may be one of the few men I've ever met that "gets me." 
I never let a day go by without thanking God for these babies of mine.  All of them.  A, B, and C. 

Thanksgiving

This month is US Thanksgiving...which by the way US readers, thank you for celebrating my bday with a national holiday!! 
I've been reading a lot of blogs on being thankful and what you are thankful for.  I was going to participate on FB.  I typed in "Day 1: I am thankful for my kids" and then stopped and cried instead.  I know if I type though most people will assume I am thankful for Abby and Caleb.  How would I even begin to explain that I'm thankful for Blaine?  Does it seem like I'm over it now that I have Caleb?  It's strange how I feel guilty sometimes about posting things about Caleb.  Not just because I don't want people to think I've forgotten but I also think of everyone on my friend's list who hasn't had a rainbow yet.  I wonder if my posts hurt them, or maybe they've just blocked me from their newsfeed.  It's strange going into a store and buying something for Abby and Caleb and then feeling guilty for not buying Blaine anything.  What do you buy a dead baby for Christmas? 
I am thankful for so many things in my life and for so many people.  I am thankful for all of the gifts and lessons that EACH of my THREE children have taught me.

31 Day Challenge for Mothers of Loss

Day 13: Does anyone else besides you speak your child's name?

All of you.  Just me, my hubby, daughter and Blaine's friends Momma's.  And I've realized that's got to be enough. 

Just to give a little update on us.  Caleb is blossoming wonderfully.  He is 4 and a half months old now!  He is teething big time and is right on the verge of crawling.  He's dragged himself forward a couple of times and rolls everywhere.  No more napping on the bed by himself!  I figure about another two weeks and he'll be crawling.  Right on schedule with the way Abby developed at that age.  He is soo ready to eat.  But I am waiting for 6 months, breastfeeding exclusively at this point.  It's going shockingly well.  I figured I'd have more problems but he is just a natural eater.  He watches me eat everytime and is so interested in food.  We're skipping the cereal and going straight to veggies at 6 months.  The Dr. agreed the cereal is really just pointless if he's being b/f.  I'm trying to make sure he feels none of my anxiety, making him feel as secure as possible even if I'm not.  So, we b/f, babywear and cosleep.  That way he knows he's safe and never alone.  He's a happy little man and we're all totally in love with him.

Even when he's teething he's a charmer

Remembering

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel (s)?

I have an older child and a rainbow.  They see Blaine's name all over the house.  They attend baby loss events.  They are free to talk about him and hear us talk about him.  My daughter has some of his name photos in her scrapbook.  She knows what my pendant necklace is.  I don't hide anything from them because I want him to be a part of their lives and I want them to grow up knowing what loss is like and what normal grief looks like or I guess, how normal grief is.

Anniversaries

One year ago yesterday I peed on a stick and officially welcomed Caleb into our family.  It was a bittersweet night.  Knowing that the next day, one year ago today, September 18th was Blaine's expectant due date.  My boys.  In front of me sits one, in his bumbo chair, playing with his big sister.  And around my neck is my first son.  Ashes in a pendant.  It hardly seems fair but like the song goes "you can't have one without the other."  And I am finally okay with that.

Questions

Because I am hooked on this blog now, I find so much inspiration from Angie at Still Life. She had several questions about living children in her post today and offered it up to readers to reply to the questions on their own blog or in the comment section. I've just taken two of the questions which I feel pertain to me.


My question, something that's been troubling me since my son was stillborn last year, is how will I explain this to any future children we're lucky enough to have? I know you have young kids, so I'm wondering how do you explain Lucy's death to them? Drew was our first, so I'm just wondering how I will explain this to any brothers and sisters he may have.

After Blaine died we initially told Abby that the baby would just take longer to get here. I was worried that it would be too scary for her to hear about death. Kids don't really understand time or pregnancy so she bought it. We said, instead of him coming in SK he would come in grade one. This was fine for her but not for me. I couldn't grieve in front of her, I couldn't cry, couldn't talk about him. I realized that if we did this then she would only ever know the next baby. She would never know the baby that died. Blaine would never exist to her. Also, what would we do with the things that have his name on them? She would eventually say "who is Blaine?" And then we'd have to admit to lying. After a good long long talk with a wonderful woman named Cindy from a bereavement group I decided it was best to tell her. We did and she took it fine. She was 5 at the time and most 5 yr olds have a remarkable ability to just see things as is. She didn't cry she just said "I'll see him when I go to Heaven." End of discussion. Now, she talks about him all the time, blows bubbles up to him and wishes he could come visit. She doesn't seem scarred by it or upset at all. It is just a part of our life. Even though Caleb is only 13 weeks I have already talked to him about his big bro. He will grow up attending baby loss events, he will hear us talk about Blaine and he'll see Blaine's name everywhere around the house. I don't believe in sugar coating things. I tell Abby the age appropriate truth when she asks me a question. I'll do the same with Caleb.

Do you ever wonder how your life would be different or your grieving would be different if you did not have your little boy? How do you think your pregnancy or more so your birth and alive baby after your loss help you heal or do you think it did help you heal if even in a small way? Do you ever feel like you want another baby because there will always be one missing?

If I didn't have Abby when I lost Blaine I might have killed myself.
After Blaine I desperately wanted to be pregnant again. I waited one month to have a regular period and then we were off. I was one of the lucky ones who managed to get pregnant within four months. Having Caleb now makes the grief different. It is healing but it also brings up some very strange emotions and questions about life and death. Like why him and not the other one? I am loving and adoring a little man that wouldn't be here if not for death. In many ways he has healed us, as one of my friend's said "if he doesn't heal some broken hearts I don't know what will." I have to believe that there is a reason for this. That Blaine left so Caleb could be here. I still miss Blaine and the endless possibilities of what could have been. But now I have Caleb and although my dreams for Caleb are different I have a future to look forward to again.

A Simple Task Like Sorting Clothes

I'm going through Caleb's 0-3 month clothes and giving some away/packing some keepsakes. We had not bought a lot of stuff for Blaine but there were some outfits sent by my Aunt out west. They were all 0-3 or 3-6 months. So, Caleb has gotten to wear some of his big brother's clothes. I find myself a little sad now that he's outgrowing them. Once he's past 6 months there won't be any more. He'll never get anything else from his big brother.
That sounds strange since his big brother never lived, never wore clothes. He came into the world naked and his body left naked.
Another way to look at it is that he got his life from his brother. Like I said in yesterday's post, there wouldn't be a Caleb if there were a living Blaine. As harsh as that is it makes me want to love this little monkey even more. To give him more, teach him more, spend more time with him, kiss him and squeeze him more.

The Other

I was talking to hubby last night about how we really should be planning a one year old's birthday party right now. Blaine was due Sept 18th 2010. If he were anything like his monkey brother he might have come Sept 19th. That's a Monday this year, we would have the family over that day, nothing big, a cake for him to smash up and make a mess with, some presents, balloons, pizza, that kind of thing. And then I realized, something we've both been thinking of for the past 11 weeks...there would be no Caleb. We can't have both. If Blaine were with us, Caleb would not be. In order to have Caleb, Blaine has to be dead. I think it would be easier sometimes not to believe in souls. To believe that any baby is any baby. There is no "Blaine" just a dead baby and then we got another baby. But that's not what I believe. I believe that little lost boy had his own soul and would have been his own man and have his own personality. He's gone and now there's another little man here, completely different. I love Caleb with every fibre of my being. So, this is the toughest part for me. I don't feel guilty for loving Caleb as much as I do. I just feel strange. That I get to love this little monkey because my son died. I don't know what to do with that. Hubby says Blaine died so we could have Caleb. I said, maybe Caleb has something important to do in this world, cure a disease or something. So, Blaine had to go for Caleb to be born to us so that he could do what he has to do. The morbid thoughts and rationalization of babylost parents. Anyone out there reading this? Have you had a rainbow? How do you deal with this realization?

Untitled

I've been having a really hard time writing this week. I've got a swirl of emotions around me but I can't sit down and type. I think I've taken a thousand pics of Caleb. I still can't believe he's real or that this will last. I've had to take a break from reading a lot of blogs because everytime I see a picture of a dead baby I see his face. He looks up at me and he smiles this big smile ear to ear and I know if anything happens to this boy I will follow him. Even more than it was with Abby my life is now connected to his. Talk about putting a lot of pressure on your son. I just hope I can get past this before he's old enough to wonder why his mother is so crazy for him. I'm really really trying to focus on all of the positive and not live in fear. Breastfeeding is going very very well, he is a great eater and latches like a champ. Abby is off school and we are having a great time. Took some field trips last week with her karate camp. It's such a joy to watch her play and she gets off a ride and yells "that was awesome!" She is awesome! I am blessed to have two beautiful kids here with me. I just have to relax and enjoy it instead of worrying that each moment may be the last.
Abby has been talking about death a lot more since my parents dog died a couple of weeks ago and a police officer was killed at that sametime and it was all over the news. She has been comfortable with the topic since we explained Blaine's death but now I wonder if she's a little too comfortable with it. She has this image that all of these dead people and animals are just up there in Heaven playing ball together. The police officer is there with Blaine and Suzy (the dog). Oh and Tuna our dead piranha! Apparently in Heaven fish can catch. I love that she groups everyone together but I worry about it. Yes, I know, I worry about everything.

Good Grief

I finally have Blaine back. My chain had broken while I was in labour, just the clasp, and I had to get it replaced. I finally picked it up from the jeweller today and Blaine is back on my chest, not quite "where he belongs" but as close as I get. I resisted the urge to tell the jeweller all about it and what it means to me. He's an acquaintance of hubby's and I didn't want to freak him out by telling him I carry my son's ashes around my neck everyday. If he were a stranger I probably would have. It is now fixed and apparently this is quite a good clasp and I should have a problem with it again. The other clasp literally just fell apart when I undid the necklace while I was in labour. Weird.

I'm still in a pretty good place. I've had a couple of moments over the past few days where I've teared up thinking of B. They are normal thoughts though and normal longings. I don't feel like I'm in a dark place. For the most part I am happy. My little rainbow monkey is thriving. I got a really nice gift in the mail from Bailey's Momma, Danae. She knit him a blankie and sent him a shirt that says "Little Brother" on it. And a nice card saying how proud Blaine would be of his little brother and how he's watching over him. I like to think so. That Blaine is Abby and Caleb's personal angel. With them always. We were at the park on Sunday and Abby did another one of her phenomenally amazing things. She was blowing bubbles and she told the bubbles to fly up and say hi to Blaine for her. God, how I love this kid. We are going to a butterfly release on Sunday with the local bereavement group hubby and I attended last year. Abby is really excited to send butterflies up to her brother. I told her she can whisper a message to the butterfly and he will fly up and give Blaine the message.

I feel like the worst commenter right now but it's not my fault, I swear!! I am reading everyone's blogs but unless there is a separate pop up window for comments I can't comment. Don't know why. But I'm here and reading in case you're wondering.

I love this face. Belly full of boob juice and nothing left to do but drift off to sleep.

I feel good. This worries me. How psycotic am I? I have a really good day and I worry about it. Typical Elaine. I've been really hesitant and nervous with Caleb. I'm still not confident that things will stay this good. But today was such a good day. My hubby is back to work and I did everything myself this morning, managed Caleb and got Sissy ready for school. We walked her to school and then I took him for a bit of a walk. I haven't done much of that by myself, I'm too nervous something will happen or we'll have another crazy person approach us. I felt a little more of my confidence back today though. I'm sure I looked like a loon pushing the stroller down the street with a big grin on my face. Today for the first time in awhile it crossed my mind that I could handle being happy. Maybe being happy isn't so bad. Maybe we've been through the worst and survived it and we get some sunny skies for awhile. Dare I say I'm optimistic?

Caleb's Arrival 05/27/11

Yes, I realize now I am a bit of a drama queen. May 26th was Caleb's due date and I was fretting so much about him being late and having to be induced and I felt like such a failure. Yes, pure silliness I know but you can't always control your emotions. By Thursday at lunch I was resigned to the fact that I would have one more week of being pregnant and would have to be medically induced to have the baby. I wasn't happy but I was content in having at least a timeline. Thursday I felt fine. Picked Abby up at school and came home. I was on the computer working on DBC and at 4:04pm I had my first contraction. I brushed it off as a fake one, not getting my hopes up for nothing again. From 4:04pm to 6:15pm they kept coming about every 17 to 20 minutes. They weren't painful though so I figured false. From 6:49pm until 8:24pm they started coming about every 10 minutes. I was still skeptical because they really weren't that painful. I could talk and walk and everything even in the middle of a pain. I called the hospital and they said to give it more time. Since my cervix had been stimulated by the Dr on Wednesday it could have brought on fake contractions which may very well go away. So we waited. From 8:24 until 10:30 contractions came every 5 to 7 minutes. By 10:30pm they were quite painful. We decided to go to the hospital. I was still trying not to get my hopes up. We got to the hospital and I was examined at about 11pm. I was 3 centimetres! Yeah, he was on his way. At this point the contractions were so bad I couldn't function. By 12am I was asking for the epidural! I actually don't feel bad about this. Even with all of my talk about having a natural birth I was in so so much pain I just couldn't take it. And at this point I just wanted my son, I didn't care about doing anything "the right way." Just get my kid! By 1:30am I was in my delivery room and drugged. The epidural only froze my right side (funny cause with Abby it only froze my left side). So, unfortunately I could still feel everything on my left. It hurt, a lot. Hubby and I tried to relax and we basically just waited. We listened to his heartbeat and talked. Hubby had a nap and I played games on my cell phone. By 7:45am I was fully dialated. Now, it was just waiting to see if I felt the urge to push. At 8:30 I started to get the urge. It took me 4 contractions and 20 minutes. Once I realized it was now soley up to me I went into Mommy Warrior mode. Apparently 20 mins is a short time for pushing but I was a champ and got him out!! I could hear hubby choke up when his head came out and then again when his body emerged. Hubby cut the cord and then I heard Caleb cry! I just kept saying over and over in my head "Praise God he's alive, he's alive, he's alive." They passed him to me and I could barely hold back the tears. I must have repeated "he's alive he's alive" in my head about 100 times. I was so happy and shocked at the same time. A part of me was still not quite believing things would go well. But they went perfectly. 17 hours and 46 minutes of labour. We spent Friday at the hospital. We were home by Saturday around 1pm. Caleb is really only put down when we're having dinner. Big Sis is totally in love and is such a huge help, getting me my phone or a diaper or trying to be quiet when he's sleeping. She is so excited and can't wait to take him to school and show him off. He's such a blessing and we are so happy.

My Sweet Girl

My Abby did the sweetest, most touching, best big sister ever, thing today! She picked one of those weeds, the furry type that you blow on and make a wish. She picked it and I said "now you have to make a wish" and so she took a deep breath and says "I wish Blaine could come back." My heart broke in so many ways, overwhelmed with love for her and sadness that she would ever have to make a wish like that. Thankfully she is almost 100% recovered from our incident yesterday. Her arm is still a little sore but other than that she has bounced back. Kids are so resilient. If someone asks about her arm she just says "a crazy lady threw me." I'm afraid it will take me a bit longer to get over what happened. I just can't get over the image of my little girl's body being tossed to the ground right in front of me. I keep thinking of all of the things that could have happened and thank God they didn't. It's sad to me that I have to be so vigilant just walking down the street from getting a donut. It's not like we live in "the ghetto." We live in a fairly clean part of town, as far as big city areas go. I guess these types of people can be anywhere though. And my husband says it's so random and so unlikely to happen that it will most likely not happen again. You don't get struck by lightning twice right? We lose our child at 17 weeks and 3 days for no apparent reason, a rarity, I think it's 1% of the population that this happens to. My daughter is randomly attacked, another rarity. So, why haven't we won the lottery yet? How come the only rare things that happen to us are the bad ones? Well I guess that's not completely true but sometimes it feels that way.
In Caleb news, there is no news. I have symptoms on and off of approaching labour. STILL NOTHING substantial though. I wish I weren't so impatient. I'm trying to enjoy this time with him and I will miss all of his movements and playtimes in my belly.

Painful Memories

I have a pain in my right side. It is the exact pain in the exact spot that I had the weekend before I went into labour with Blaine. I wonder if it is a sign that I will be going into labour in the next few days. This does not feel good. I had forgotten that during labour I will be experiencing the same physical pain I felt one year, one month and one week ago. When I had this pain before I ignored it thinking I had just hurt a muscle working out or something. It wasn't until after that I thought it must have been the first sign. And now I have it and it's bringing up a whole bunch of memories I don't want to have right now. If not in the next few days, then at least in the next week I will be having the same physical experience I had before, although worse this time as Caleb is full size and Blaine was so very miniature. I don't know why I never thought about this before or thought about how it was going to make me feel emotionally. It honestly just never crossed my mind. It's making me want the drugs. Forget about natural birth I can't live through that without falling apart emotionally. Or can I? I don't know. I do know with Blaine I gladly allowed the dr to numb me with morphine. This pain in my side has brought up so many memories and grief and self doubting. I can't even be excited right now that it may very well mean the onset of labour. I did say to hubby last night that I would most likely go into labour on Sunday since it was a Sun with Abby and a Sun with Blaine. It's not the physical pain I'm afraid of, never have been, I'm a tough cookie. It's the crap that's going to come with it. All of the memories I have tried to put away this past year. You do your best to remember the good times and forget the bad.

Anxiety and Lunch

Today Abby had a field trip with her school. It brought up a big memory for me. Last year her field trip was on April 13th. So, while we were having Blaine at the hospital Grandma was getting her ready for a trip to the science centre. Getting up with her this morning brought up those memories. And then I felt a little, okay a lot, of anxiety leaving her at the school and coming home by myself. The anxiety passed quickly but it made me think of Blaine all morning. How much I miss him and how much we've missed out on.
Had lunch with another preggo BLM today. It's strange I never really thought of her as a BLM and it didn't even really kick in until after we had left each other. I realized I had mentioned Blaine several times and not mentioned her baby. I felt really bad so I sent her a FB message to let her know I was sorry and if she ever wanted to talk about it I was here. I was just a little self absorbed at lunch because it was nice to have another preggo woman I could comfortably talk to about everything, well not everything cause I don't want her to think I'm psycho but most things. This is someone I know IRL and doesn't have anything to do with the community on here. We've never actually talked about my loss or her loss before. It just came up because we were talking about babies and pregnancy. I'm hoping I didn't upset her or offend her. After all this time in dead baby land it's still hard to gauge what to do and say. Some people handle things so so so differently.
Still no news on the Caleb front. Abby has given him the 23rd as a deadline. lol. She says I should go into labour no later than Sunday and he has to be born by the 23rd. No idea why this date is significant to her but this is what her beautiful 6 year old mind has decided. Personally, I'm ready right now!

Nature's Schedule Sucks!

Just got back from my Dr. appt and all is well with the monkey. We briefly discussed what we will do if I get to 40 weeks, which is between May 23rd and May 26th depending on whether you use the ultrasound dating or the LMP. I said a part of me wants to do this naturally but another part of me wants to book a csection for tomorrow morning! Celebrity style birth, add the tummy tuck! She asked if I wanted to go ahead and book an induction for next week in case he's not here. I said no, I've thought about it but I do want this to be natural and induction doubles the chances of csection and you have to get an epidural if you get induced so I said those are last resorts. So, we won't discuss those options until I am 7 - 10 days past due date, if it comes to that. It really is a strange experience to go from worrying about a baby coming too soon and then fretting about a baby taking it's time! With Blaine I didn't worry about timing at all. Abby was 5 days early so I thought for sure I'd have Blaine somewhere around September 8th (as the myth is that second baby's arrive sooner). I never thought he'd be so early he wouldn't make it. And now with Caleb it's all I could think of for 34 weeks. I remember literally trying to think of ways to keep everything intact "up there." I am still in awe at how things have changed so completely in the past year. How I know think about and fret about things I never even knew existed pre Blaine.

Calculations

We went to a wedding last night. I'm not sure why weddings make me sad. This is the second wedding we've been to since Blaine and I'm not sure why I get emotional. It's not like I'm imagining his wedding or something like that. I think it's just the promise of love and all of the expectations people put on the future, how happy the couple will be and all of the talk of love and forever. Only one teary moment though, they played this Josh Groban song. It always makes me tear up for my boy. I only had one person ask the dreaded "is this your first child question?" I just answered "no" simply and quickly changed the topic to her. And then only one other person who knows us made the "oh one boy and one girl, how perfect" comment. But they don't know about Blaine so I wasn't offended. Just bit the inside of my cheek and moved on. You have to remind yourself sometimes that it's not YOUR day and it's not always about YOU. It was a nice wedding and we had a good time.

Well I am still pregnant. I know it's a huge taboo in the BLM community for anyone to ever speak badly about being pregnant or to complain about the aches and pains of being pregnant. We're supposed to suffer in silence because we should ONLY be grateful every minute of every day of our pregnancy. But c'mon! I am tired of being pregnant. I cherish this little boy and I love him with every fibre of my being. But I want my body back! I actually did the calculations the other day... since my LMP on Dec 19th 2009

8 ultrasounds
5 trips to the ER
175 days of nauseau
55 lbs
390 days of being pregnant
4 bottles of tums
9 months on anti depressants
1 cremated baby
approximately 11 blood tests
approximately 10 vaginal exams

I think all complaining aside enough is enough. I just want Caleb home. We have been through so much and it's time for our little family to have some pure joy. It's time for me to be a mom and wife again and not an incubator. And to be quite frank, I miss having sex for no reason. Maybe TMI but we focused on these "deposits" to get me pregnant and that's all it was about and then there was nothing for like 20 weeks because I was too afraid it would hurt my cervix and now I'm obsessed with these "deposits" because supposedly they will help labour along. And yes, I call them "deposits." Our little family deserves to move on from this trial and begin a new chapter. Never leaving Blaine behind, that's not what I mean because he is part of our little family. But to just be happy and not stress about death and all of the things that could go wrong.

Still Preggers!

38 weeks this week. Still no arrival. Still having prelabour symptoms but nothing substantial. Had my checkup yesterday, going every Monday now, everything is A okay! Monkey is strong and kicking around in there. I'm doing well also. Just waiting now. My Dr. made the same comment as me, we've been worrying and trying to keep him in there for nine months and now we just want him out. She joked that I would probably now have to be induced after all of that worry over my cervix! It was kind of funny, kind of not. I'm not at the point where I'm going to worry about that yet. I've still got two weeks before my official due date. Now, it's just eagerness. I'm not the most patient person in the world even in the best of circumstances. I hate waiting. If you say you'll meet me somewhere at 2 and it's 2:02 I get anxious. The weather has finally gotten beautiful this week so I am taking advantage and taking long walks. I have a lot of pain "down there" when I walk but the Dr. said that's good. I'm putting the weight and pressure on my cervix which is causing the ligaments to stretch which will help them open up. So today I'm going to walk over to the department store after taking Big Sis to school. Maybe that will start things up.

Mixed Bag

I'm feeling pretty much the same these days. Mixed bag of emotions. Still eagerly awaiting Caleb's arrival and wondering how I'm going to adjust and cope. It will be strange to be the mother of a living baby again. I hope I remember how to do everything!
Having some physical symptoms of approaching labour. Nothing to say it will happen today or tomorrow though. Just my body preparing. It feels good (well not physically). It's funny how I'm not at all worried about the pain. I feel like the actual labour will be the least of my concerns. I had a really painful "false" contraction the other night and got really excited waiting for the next one. I'm more worried about my emotional and mental state. I said to hubby last night that I've stopped worrying about Caleb dying before birth. I feel confident he will be born and come home. All of my tests for my weekly checkup yesterday were perfect. He's still kicking up a storm in there. It all looks good. I have shifted my anxiety to after his birth. I thought that this was progress but apparently it doesn't sound like progress to others. He worries that I've just given myself something else to stress about rather than actually stopping the stress. I guess that's true. It's really hard to explain to people how I'm feeling right now though. I don't want to sound bitter or resentful or crazy. A part of me wishes we had gone to that subsequent pregnancy group and that I could hear some other Mom's talk about having the same feelings. Right now I don't know if I'm just being a bitter barbie or if what I'm feeling is common.

Living on a Prayer

"we're halfway there oh oh living on a prayer take my hand we'll make it I swear oh oh living on a prayer" "you live for the fight when that's all that you got"

Okay cheesy song I know I know. I keep hearing it though. It's become my mantra for the remainder of this pregnancy. Caleb and I are living on a prayer. We're going to make it. He seems to like it too. I put it on and he danced around. Of course, that could have been the ice cream sandwich I just ate but either way he's moving! Mom's content for another few hours.

I have pretty much decided how I want my labour to go. Who is going to be there and my perfect scenario. We don't always get what we want so who knows what will actually happen. I do know that I have the perfect midwife. She's almost 6 years old and will most likely bring her stuffed bunny with her for moral support. Abby insists that she will be there. She says she will help me through it by holding my hand, pushing down on my stomach to "pop" the baby out, and she insists on cutting the umbilical cord. She now comes to all my dr appt with me. She has decided she wants to be a dr when she grows up. I had to get an swab test done "down there" last time and she was right there looking, no fear or squimishness, just pure curiousity. My mom will be there to look after her if that changes once she seems me screaming in pain.
And of course hubby will be by my (our) side. When I delivered Abby I used him as a punching bag so I'm a little nervous for him! With Abby and with Blaine my labours were long (21 and 31 hours) and he was by my side for most of that time, pacing, pacing, pacing. A little annoying but I guess that's what Daddies do. I can't wait to see him hold his boy for the first time. And then he's all mine! I don't plan on putting him down until he gets married! We're going to try to go naturally, no pain meds, no interventions. Hopefully hubby won't leave the hospital with too many bruises.
Now we are just playing the waiting game. I am full term as of today. Is it wrong to give your child an eviction notice? Hey Caleb, you have one week to vacate my womb!! `