We went to a wedding last night. I'm not sure why weddings make me sad. This is the second wedding we've been to since Blaine and I'm not sure why I get emotional. It's not like I'm imagining his wedding or something like that. I think it's just the promise of love and all of the expectations people put on the future, how happy the couple will be and all of the talk of love and forever. Only one teary moment though, they played this Josh Groban song. It always makes me tear up for my boy. I only had one person ask the dreaded "is this your first child question?" I just answered "no" simply and quickly changed the topic to her. And then only one other person who knows us made the "oh one boy and one girl, how perfect" comment. But they don't know about Blaine so I wasn't offended. Just bit the inside of my cheek and moved on. You have to remind yourself sometimes that it's not YOUR day and it's not always about YOU. It was a nice wedding and we had a good time.
Well I am still pregnant. I know it's a huge taboo in the BLM community for anyone to ever speak badly about being pregnant or to complain about the aches and pains of being pregnant. We're supposed to suffer in silence because we should ONLY be grateful every minute of every day of our pregnancy. But c'mon! I am tired of being pregnant. I cherish this little boy and I love him with every fibre of my being. But I want my body back! I actually did the calculations the other day... since my LMP on Dec 19th 2009
8 ultrasounds
5 trips to the ER
175 days of nauseau
55 lbs
390 days of being pregnant
4 bottles of tums
9 months on anti depressants
1 cremated baby
approximately 11 blood tests
approximately 10 vaginal exams
I think all complaining aside enough is enough. I just want Caleb home. We have been through so much and it's time for our little family to have some pure joy. It's time for me to be a mom and wife again and not an incubator. And to be quite frank, I miss having sex for no reason. Maybe TMI but we focused on these "deposits" to get me pregnant and that's all it was about and then there was nothing for like 20 weeks because I was too afraid it would hurt my cervix and now I'm obsessed with these "deposits" because supposedly they will help labour along. And yes, I call them "deposits." Our little family deserves to move on from this trial and begin a new chapter. Never leaving Blaine behind, that's not what I mean because he is part of our little family. But to just be happy and not stress about death and all of the things that could go wrong.
6 comments:
you deserve all of these things, elaine. those calculations are eye-opening, aren't they?
hugs to you, hoping caleb is in your arms soon.
I agree...hopefully little Caleb will come and things will kind of go back to "normal." Right? Whatever "normal" is. Hang in there... Sending lots of love your way. <3
You are cute with your calculations. I want Caleb home for you too. Pregnancy after loss can be so hard.
I feel the exact same way! I was just thinking about how I'll be 40 weeks on Tuesday, which means I've been pregnant for almost 60 weeks in 1.5 years. It is so difficult to be at the end when it is so physically and mentally tiring anyways, just wanting our little guys in our arms. They will be here soon though and I can't wait to hear all about Caleb. Hugs.
I'm with ya! Can't wait for Dot to arrive, and for Caleb! And I was just thinking about how another post on Dot's Diner would include some "whining" on my part - which I too feel is taboo in the BLM world with pregnancy after loss. The reality is all of us have been through so much. And while I am of course so VERY thankful to be anxiously awaiting Dot's arrival, it's not all sunshine and roses.
oh, and weddings make me cry too. I was at a friend's wedding way back in Oct. - and I don't know... it was so bittersweet. I think it was knowing there was so much joy, love, and celebration in the room, and it made me miss Acacia in a new way. She wasn't a physical part of my friend's special day.
Thinking of you! Can't wait to hear about Caleb's arrival. :)
I never used to cry at weddings, but then Jacob died and now I do. I don't know if I'm just more emotional in general. I think so.
Pregnancy is no picnic. It is wonderful, but it isn't easy on the body, but I know that when I was pregnant with Cub, I was already worried about ever complaining about anything, even though the pregnancy ended before i felt sick.
Your calculations are pretty eye-opening. Your comments about sex made me laugh. It is all for a purpose now. It's hard to remember a time when it wasn't.
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