Today Abby had a field trip with her school. It brought up a big memory for me. Last year her field trip was on April 13th. So, while we were having Blaine at the hospital Grandma was getting her ready for a trip to the science centre. Getting up with her this morning brought up those memories. And then I felt a little, okay a lot, of anxiety leaving her at the school and coming home by myself. The anxiety passed quickly but it made me think of Blaine all morning. How much I miss him and how much we've missed out on.
Had lunch with another preggo BLM today. It's strange I never really thought of her as a BLM and it didn't even really kick in until after we had left each other. I realized I had mentioned Blaine several times and not mentioned her baby. I felt really bad so I sent her a FB message to let her know I was sorry and if she ever wanted to talk about it I was here. I was just a little self absorbed at lunch because it was nice to have another preggo woman I could comfortably talk to about everything, well not everything cause I don't want her to think I'm psycho but most things. This is someone I know IRL and doesn't have anything to do with the community on here. We've never actually talked about my loss or her loss before. It just came up because we were talking about babies and pregnancy. I'm hoping I didn't upset her or offend her. After all this time in dead baby land it's still hard to gauge what to do and say. Some people handle things so so so differently.
Still no news on the Caleb front. Abby has given him the 23rd as a deadline. lol. She says I should go into labour no later than Sunday and he has to be born by the 23rd. No idea why this date is significant to her but this is what her beautiful 6 year old mind has decided. Personally, I'm ready right now!
2 comments:
I have events like that pop up to and suddenly the anxiety gets overwhelming and the aching for Jacob gets worse. I see my sister with her baby boy and every single tiny thing that happens is something I missed out on and I think that is why I have so much trouble seeing him. We were cheated, Blaine and Jacob were cheated, our whole families and anyone who would have met our boys had they lived have been cheated.
I'm glad you had lunch with a pregnant BLM Mom. I think if she wanted to talk about the baby she lost, she probably would have. I don't miss an opportunity to talk about Jacob, but I know not all BLM's are like that.
My sister in law had an early miscarriage right before I got pregnant with Jacob, but we never talk about our losses. My husband's set-daughter lost a baby at 22 weeks about 5 years ago and she and I never talk about it either. She will ask Ted how I am, but we never talk about our lost boys (of course, I don't see her all the time either). I don't know, I just get the feeling that some people want to talk and others don't.
I was at a support group last night and thought of you. The other 3 woman there were all dealing with infertility. One had an early miscarriage and another has had 2 early miscarriages and terminated one pregnancy at about 14 weeks because the baby had many problems and would have died at some point. They were saying how they no longer talk to most of their friends because they just don't understand and they don't try to...that when they actually do have a baby, they don't think they will talk to their friends than either. It reminded me of what you've said about the people in your life who don't acknowledge Blaine but are all excited for Caleb and want to be a part of his life. Our relationships and what we are willing to tolerate changes so much after losing a baby.
Abby is so adorable. I bet Caleb will be born by the 23rd too. She has a way about her and it wouldn't surprise me at all. I hope you can make a quick update when you go into labour so that I'll know what is happening.
xoxoxox0
Here's to hoping Abby's got the date figured out for whatever reason! :) could you ask her about Dot's due date too? lol. :)
I'm glad you had some preggo BLM time too. I have one IRL friend who had her rainbow in Feb. and as we've gotten to know each other, I so appreciate our friendship. And you're right - every BLM is different, and just because we have a shared experience doesn't mean we share it with others in the same way. But we do the best we can for ourselves and others.
You're close to my mind and heart as you prepare to welcome Caleb into this world oh so soon!
Post a Comment