The Shower

Yesterday was Caleb's baby shower. It was a day of very mixed emotions for me. About 14 people came and we had a great time with lots of food and games. We received some really nice gifts for Caleb and I only have a little more shopping to do now to get all of his needs. Here is a pic of me cutting my stork cake. It was made by a family friend. It was really cute and she also made me two diaper cakes.



I was on the verge of tears for part of the party and luckily was too busy to really dwell on what or who was missing. I kept it together really well and didn't fall apart until after my hubby got home and I was telling him about the party. There was really only one person who insisted on making the "second child" and "first son" comments. I just kept my mouth shut. I don't know that she was doing it on purpose, doubtful, she's just a little insensitive and self absorbed. But when she started listing all of the grandsons in the family and omitted Blaine I finally had to say something. I just looked at her and said "In this house we count the dead one." So then she said "oh yeah and Blaine." Everyone pretty much just looked down at their plates. I don't know what was worse...Blaine being omitted or Blaine being an "oh yeah and..." I think it was just yesterday or the day before another BLM was discussing on her blog how much do we expect our family and friends to remember about our babies or to commemorate them. I have given up most expectations. I have had to come to the realization that outside of my little family Blaine was just not that significant. Yes, everyone felt bad for US but they didn't know him or love him like we did. That being said though, in my house, he is counted. If you walk into my house you recognize him. If you can't recognize Blaine then don't bother to recognize Abby or Caleb either. If one is not your family then none of them are your family. We five are a package deal.



My best gift received yesterday was this card:






This was from my friend Kaili, who wrote "your second baby boy." I didn't really read the cards thoroughly as I opened the gifts and thank God for that. As I sat reading them later in the night I noticed what she wrote and burst into tears. I'm sitting here in tears right now. I can't look at it or read it without crying, good tears. Joyful tears. She is the only one who included him. And this little card is the best thing I received yesterday. I absolutely love it and will most likely frame this little card. I'm still deciding whether it should go in Caleb's memory box or Blaine's.

I woke up at 4am yesterday after a pseudo nightmare. I dreamt I had Caleb and all of these people came to the hospital to visit him. I didn't want anyone near him. I closed the curtain around the bed and just held him tight and cried. "Why don't they remember your brother?" "Why didn't they come for Blaine?" I kept asking and crying. Then I woke up and realized horribly that this dream will probably come true. And so, I cried myself back to sleep. It continues, the emotions of having the rainbow baby. Not quite knowing how to come to terms with the fact that I am madly deeply in love with a baby who is only here because another is not.