Birthday Celebrations

"If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore."  It Will Rain by Bruno Mars

It's starting again.  The time when I can't hear or see anything that doesn't remind me of Blaine.  Two weeks from this Friday and we will be at 2 years.  2 years.  I remember how slow that first year went.  I thought life would never move on, that I would be stuck there forever.  The second year has moved much faster.  And I have had so much joy and happiness in it.  I still cry but not everyday.  I still wonder why.  I haven't had any moments of rage lately.  Today sort of but it was fleeting.  It's hard to be sad around Caleb.  I started crying today listening to this song and to another but Caleb immediately came over and smothered me with kisses.  I am healed in so many ways. 

We are going back to Florida for another family vacation soon.  The same vacation we had planned when I was pregnant with Blaine, the one we left for three days after.  Driving the same roads, staying at the same resort, shopping and eating at the same places.  A lot about that trip is a blur to me.  I look at the photos and I think I faked a smile pretty well.   I do remember certain things very vividly.  Mostly the sad moments.  I remember the bathroom stall at the pool that I used to go and cry in.  I remember sucking in my gut when I ordered a pina colado so that no one would think I was pregnant.  I remember how bad the cramps got while we were shopping, so bad I thought I was hemorraging.  I remember driving there and making a mental note of all the hospital signs we saw just in case something else happened.  What I remember the most was the sense that I had forgotten something.  When I packed, unpacked, when I walked into a room, when we drove somewhere.  I kept thinking to myself "what did I forget?" 
I have to admit, I'm incredibly nervous to go back.  I really didn't want to but hubby insisted on this vacation spot.  I'm afraid I'm going to be miserable going back there.  I was talking to my friend on the phone the other night and she said that she thought it would be good.  That I would be going back and creating good memories to replace the old.  I'm trying to look at it from that perspective.  I'm really scared though that it's just going to be another week of faking it.  Faking smiles to cover the fact that I am nauseaus and sad and angry.  Plus, we're going with my mom, my sister and law and her two kids.  Talk about stress! 

And then there's Blaine's birthday to contend with.  Obviously I will want to do something.  But what?  And how am I going to feel that day?  It's hard enough to plan a living child's birthday party! 
If you have read this far then you are a true friend!  lol   The problem with taking a break is that when you do write you have a lot to say! 

Days 23 - 25

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?

I would change the labour process, how Blaine came into the world and what we did next.  I would have taken more photos of me pregnant, would have taken care of myself better than I did.

Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?

We do prepare for those days as I recognize that they will always be emotional ones.  I usually do something special for dinner or dessert, make sure I light his candle.  Sissy knows what dates are his and we always talk about him a little more that day and what he would be doing in Heaven. 

18 Months of Change

wow.  Yesterday was 18 months since Blaine left earth.  18 months.  It seems like such a short time and like forever, all at once.  A whole year and a half has passed and I found myself doing a lot of reflection yesterday.  The person I was and am now.  I am more sensitive now, softer.  It may not seem that way when I'm having a bitter rant but it's true.  I'm more self conscious now.  I don't fully trust myself, my decisions, my body, the way I used to.  I've always been logical, realistic, sometimes even cold (at least my mother says I'm cold), able to turn off my emotions (at least to those who don't know me).  But now I find I am even more of these things.  I have no naivete left in me.  Even though I feel more emotions now and more love for so many people I am also much more capable of outwardly turning that all off when I feel I need to protect it.  I've learnt a lot about life, love, heartache, friendship, family, values, God, myself, and a host of other things.  I would never say I'm glad I lost Blaine but I am glad I am who I am now.  I am glad for the lessons I've been taught.  As much as we never want to say "God has a plan" or "There's a reason for the pain" and I would certainly never say that to someone who just lost a child, in my case it was true.  I feel I have more purpose now.  I'm a better mother, wife, friend.  I can't honestly say I appreciate everyday and never complain but I am now looking at my life through glasses of gratitude.  I'll be 33 years old next month and I feel I learnt a whole lifetime of lessons in 18 months.

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.


We have a memory box for Blaine's things.  I have some scrapbook pages.  I blog about him (obviously).  I make sure that when it counts he is counted.

Gone Too Soon

I just returned from a wonderful event hosted by Dana and Jackie. It was a family picnic and balloon release to recognize all of our babies, gone too soon, born beautiful. It was nice to spend some time with "my people." lol

It was nice to see Dana and Jackie and there was a couple there that we went to group with back in the beginning. It was good to see them again.

Here are some photos:

Life Lessons

I have learnt so many things this past year. Namely the following, in no particular order, please bare with the obvious sarcasm in some points.

1. Your body has an endless supply of tears and snot.

2. Strangers are sometimes the kindest friends.

3. It is possible to feel an immense amount of joy and an immense amount of pain at the exact same moment.

4. I can survive, the question has always been more like "do I want to?"

5. It is possible to love a human being so small they can fit in the palm of your hand.

6. Logic cannot exist in the same moment as grief.

7. The approximate time for others to grieve and move past the death of your child is one week. After that you are on your own.

8. God is good and loving, even when you hate him.

9. Guilt is a disease and needs to be treated like one.

10. You will feel an immense amount of pride and love at the simplest of things, like seeing your child's name written out by a stranger. (see point 2)

11. There are few things better in life than receiving "Blaine Mail." It never even makes it to the elevator before it's ripped open.

12. My husband has endless amounts of patience and doesn't mind if his shirts are soaked in tears.

13. My daughter is a one of the kindest souls I have ever known.

14. Having post partum depression but no baby at home isn't worth it.

15. There are far far too many dead babies in the world.

That's what I can think of for now. Of course, I have learnt so much about human behaviour and about myself. I've always been very observant of people and can always read people within minutes of meeting them. The one thing that has surprised me throughout this journey is the true sisterhood of the BLM. I've always been very skeptical of the internet and people who find friendships and love online. That all changed when I started looking for answers back in May 2010. The internet really became my go to guide on loss and healing. I guess the number one thing I learnt this year is that angels exist where you least expect them and God truly does work in mysterious ways.

Birthday Celebrations

To my boy Blaine on his first birthday, Momma wishes you the best birthday party ever! Eat as much cake as you can stomach and play with all of your friends. Your friends are too many to name here but I know they are with you, just as their mommy's are here with me.

This wasn't as bad as I expected. Yesterday was actually much much worse. The grief demons reared the ugly head and I barely kept it together yesterday. There were some very dark moments and thoughts. I had tears brimming in my eyes or falling down my cheeks all day. I dropped my daughter off at school and walked over to the plaza to do some shopping. I just couldn't go home by myself. I walked past the funeral home. I cried throughout my walk and my shopping. I picked my daughter up and managed to keep it together until she went to bed. Had to go to the washroom a couple of times to dry my eyes. Once she went to bed I let myself crumble. And crumble I did, full on sobbing, ugly cry. Letting myself do that may be one of the reasons why today was not as hard. Maybe I cried myself out. April 12th was also much worse than April 13th.

Blaine's actual birth day was very anti climatic. He was born around 8:40 am and by lunch we were at home. We spent the day doing regular family things. We ordered in dinner, the same restaurant we ate at both when we found out we were having Abby and when we found out we were having Blaine. April 12th was much worse. We were at the hospital the entire day, waiting, exams, waiting, more exams, waiting. I guess it makes sense that the memories I have of the 12th are much worse than the ones of the 13th. Today I found myself more at peace. I had some bitter moments. My cousin had her baby on the weekend and decided today was a good day to send me pics. Yes, the 25 yr old cousin who lives with her mom and got pregnant via one night stand with some guy from work who isn't even around anymore.

Other than BLM's and my friend Liz no one remembered. I can't say I blame them, I don't remember all of my friend's and family's birthdays. Blaine was just not significant to the rest of them. Hubby stayed home from work and we took our girl to school and then we went out for lunch together. It was nice to have him with me. We picked up our cupcakes that I ordered for today. The pic of them is below. We ate them after school and that made me a little sad. Sad that there was no one year old here to make a mess of himself! But in many ways he is here and always will be. And I love him as much today as I ever have. And miss him just as much.

One Year

I kept waking up throughout the night remembering. One year ago I wiped and there was blood; one year ago I stood in the doorway to my bedroom and told my hubby "I'm bleeding;" one year ago we had just gotten to the hospital; one year ago we were placed in a room; one year ago Sasquatch came and told me I was having a miscarriage. And so on and so on. One year ago at this time I had already been in the hospital labouring for just over 8 hours. One year ago at this time I was waiting for my baby to die. We were still in the ER room. Today will be filled with those reminders. I would love nothing more than to curl up in my bed right now and sleep until Thursday. If I weren't pregnant I may consider getting drunk by noon. I wish I had a photo or something tangible to touch and look at from my time at the hospital. Normally when you labour for 31 hours and you sit remembering the experience you have a baby to touch and look at. I just wanted it to be over with though. I wanted out of the bed and out of the hospital. I knew I couldn't save him so my instinct was to protect myself. That didn't work so well. Everything I did to "protect" myself made things 100% worse once it was all over with. The guilt ate and at times still eats at me. If I have to relive it all why can't I go back and redo it all? I doubt that I will ever forget the sequence of events or the feelings that I went through as I waited. The waiting was the cruelest part. You would think things like this would happen quickly. Not for me though, I had to labour for 31 hours before Blaine was "born." I just lied in that hospital bed waiting. My hubby took me for a walk around the floor but other than trips to the bathroom that was it. He went for a couple of walks but other than that he never left my side. My hubby has this thing with hospitals. He won't sit. So for most of the time he was pacing or standing over me. Finally at about 9pm he sat down and luckily he did let himself sleep some through the second night. It wasn't just tough on me. I could see it in his eyes. I'm sure he's spending today remembering in his own way what he was doing and feeling a year ago today.

April Showers

April. I hate your face. It crossed my mind on April 1st, it being Fools Day, that if someone had of told me last April 1st that this would be my life, that I would have one dead son and a living one on the way, I would have told them that was a really sick joke and probably would have cut them out of my life. But here I am one year later and it wasn't a joke. Here I am 10 days away from the anniversary of the worst day of my life. Actually I'd have to say April 12-13th were the worst two days since I laboured for 31 hours. I have been reliving those days over and over in my head for the past couple of weeks. More than usual that is. I even started questioning what happened. Why didn't the doctors try to stop it? When I got to the hospital my water bag was still intact. Why couldn't they sew me up and stop the contractions? I haven't had those questions in awhile and I know if there was something to be done they would have done it. I joked with my hubby that since it was Dr Sasquatch even if it was experimental he probably would have tried it out on me. This sort of thing is his specialty after all. I just can't help replaying every moment. Wondering if the artificial sweeteners I had caused the preterm labour (yes, they can in case you didn't know but it's not something most doctors tell you), or was it my workout routine, was it stress or work? I'll never know. ATTN READERS: I have been inspired by Maggie to post other Angelversary's on here. I created a page to list them monthly. Please comment if you would like me to include your baby. It doesn't have to be this month. I'll keep the list and update each month. Just comment with your baby's (babies) name(s) and date(s)

Rollercoaster

I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster lately. Within minutes I can go from laughing to weeping. I know it's most likely the hormones but it's not fun. Especially the bitter or weepy moments. Luckily one emotion doesn't stick around and then I'm on to the next one. My weepy and bitter moments usually bring up unresolved feelings about losing my boy.

I've got everything prepared for his memory boxes, to donate on his bday to the hospital. I have to still contact them which I'll talk to my doctor about on Wed. Hopefully they will take them, if not I'm sure the bereavement group we used to go to will have use for them. A friend of mine made cute little blankets, doll size, to include. And then I have framed poem the poem "Just Those Few Weeks" which can be found on my page of poems...I made it look like this for framing, size 4x6

and a scented candle, and a keychain which can be engraved. I decided to keep it simple and non religious so that it can be given to anyone.

For Blaine's birthday I'm also hoping to order one of these for our family...I saw it on Etsy and am in love!

I've been looking at all sorts of sculptures and figurines but none really speak to me like this. I can't remember where I read it but I remember reading "we are a family of (five) but with one missing, and that is a huge difference." This makes me think of that.

14 more days til Mat Leave! I am feeling so relieved and so ready to just be home and prepare for our new arrival. I've washed Caleb's "wear at hospital" and "wear home" outfits. Just in case he comes early.

Feeling Worse

So, my mood has pretty much plummeted. I am feeling much more anxious and depressed lately. I have been missing Blaine so much. I am reliving everything, down to his birth/death to how I felt in the immediate months after. I'm not sure if this is solely because I am off the meds or if it's partly because his anniversary is coming up. I have been really sad and anxious these past couple of days. My instinct to wrap myself around Abigail and protect her has gone into overdrive. I'm seeing dangers at every corner. It doesn't help any that I had a big fight with my mom on the weekend and work has been a nightmare this week. It's like our entire group at work fell apart this week. That and the "men" on our team seem to have a) forgotten that they are men not whiney little girls and b) forgotten how to do their jobs. So, me the 7 month pregnant woman is having to pick up the slack. 18 work days until mat leave! That is all that's getting me through at this point. If I had anymore time than that I would probably go on sick leave. It's that bad. It also doesn't help that my going off the meds coincides with Abigail leaving daycare and so many 1 year anniversaries. The 1 year anniversary of my ultrasound with Blaine has just passed, March 5th. It was the time he waved at the screen. The time I got to see him playing around. So little and yet so active already. I hate leaving Abby with my in laws for such long periods of time. I want her to have a relationship with them but don't want her to be anything like them. If that makes sense. They're not bad people they just have no common sense. They'd see nothing wrong with feeding her junk all day, they've taken her in a cab with no carseat, they take her around their family who I don't like at all and I never know what exactly they're doing because they're so secretive. My sister in law and mother in law are the only people in my husband's family we associate with and that's fine with me. I always feel so anxious when she's with them though.
I'm just starting to get together the stuff I need to make memory boxes for Blaine's anniversary to donate to the hospital. It's so sad doing this. I really want to do these boxes but it is just so overwhelmingly sad. I am having a rough time with it. I seem to be having a rough time doing anything now though. I'm crying over songs again. I cried the other day because I had a flashback of walking into our bedroom that night and looking at my husband and saying "I'm bleeding." Everything is just coming back and I wonder if I ever felt any better or if it was just the drugs masking the sorrow. I thought I had made some progress but I really feel like I did last June before I went crazy. I guess time will tell. I have to remind myself that I am going through a lot physically, mentally and physically right now. I'm also going through a transition from working mom to homemaking mom. I'm also planning for a new arrival at the same time reliving anniversaries of the arrival who didn't get to stay.

My Two Boys

I have resisted the urge to blog this week because it would just be more of a pile of bitterness. Maybe it's the approaching one year anniversary. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's the fact that Caleb is most likely going to make it. Whatever the reason I have found myself missing Blaine even more this week and feeling the bitterness and sadness of it all. I keep imaging myself and even dreaming at night of having two boys. I was thinking about our housing situation and going over what I wanted in a house when we finally do buy one. I found myself thinking "we'll have to have a room for the boys to share." And then remembered there will only be one boy. I dream about playing with two boys, so close in age they almost look like twins. One is always dark haired with blue eyes and the other is always blond with brown eyes. I never call them by their names. Sometimes I dream I have a little baby boy and I'm pregnant with another. They're always nice dreams not nightmares but always leave me awake and longing for it to be reality. But reality is if I had a little boy right now I wouldn't be pregnant. I've talked about that before. The fact that there would be no Caleb if Blaine were here. It's a hard thing to adjust to. I love this little monkey with my whole heart and soul. I cherish every minute we have together, every kick, even the ones that hurt. I love the fact that I can talk to my belly or rub it and he will actually respond and start bouncing around. But I miss the baby that should have been. I keep reading over and over again the poem "A Different Child." I pray one day Caleb will understand it all.
On Dot's Diner this week she (I'm sorry if you're reading this I just realized I don't know your actual name! Isn't it funny how we remember the baby's names.) shared a section of a book, "Pregnancy After A Loss" by Carol Cirulli Lanham. I just wanted to share the one paragraph that hit me the hardest. I should not have read this at work because it made me cry. But in a good way.

"This baby here with you today has listened to your stories, has felt your pain, and knows your love is given cautiously, not because you don't love him/her, but because you love him/her so much. This baby feels deeply the concern and protection you have clung to during this pregnancy, to want him/her to feel safe."

I have decided for Blaine's Angelversary to put together some memory packages to donate to the hospital. They are being made specifically for parents like me and hubby. Parents under 20 weeks who don't get to go to the maternity ward. Who are in limbo, not just having a "miscarriage" but not delivering a legal child either. I want these for the women who are completely unprepared like I was. I'm including in it a small knit blankie (thanks to my crafty friend Fern!) a framed poem, a certificate of life, a candle, a little teddy, a hand and finger printing kit and a keychain which can be engraved by the parents if they wish. It is no substitude for a child but mother's should not leave labour empty handed. I'm also going to see if I can find a couple of books on pregnancy loss to donate to my local library as they have none! I spend so much money on Abigail's bday party it's the least I can do since I don't get to buy him presents.

One Year

A year ago today we were out for dinner at a local restaurant. Coincidentally this was the same restaurant hubby and I ordered from the day we found out we were having Abby. We had dinner and I decided on a lark to buy a pregnancy test on the way home. We had tried in December to get pregnant and I was pretty confident it had worked. My AF was due that night or the next morning so I originally planned to wait until Sunday to test. I couldn't wait though, too excited. We bought the test and went home, I went into the bathroom and took the test. I was pregnant. I ran out and hugged my husband and we told Abby. She laughed and gave me a big hug. We were so happy. Welcome to our lives Blaine! We had no doubt in our minds that by the end of the year we would have our family of four. We were hoping for another girl. It would just make things easier since for a year or two they will have to share a room. And it would be cheaper because girls can pass down clothes and share toys. Within weeks though I knew I was having a boy. I've been able to tell with all three pregnancies. I started calling him my little nudger and as time went on he became Blaine, only in my head though. We were so thrilled. I told everyone right away. By the third week in January I was already feeling really sick. I told everyone at work and all of my friends. Changed my FB status. I wasn't waiting to tell anyone because there was no way anything was going to happen to my baby! I took my calendar at work and planned out the next nine months, vacation days to go for dr appts, my last day of work. My family was thrilled, we were thrilled. I was just two months behind my sister so Christmas would be a busy one for the grandparents. Who was that glass half full girl? Looking back I can't believe the optimism I had. The blind naivety. Pregnancy meant life for people like me. I ate well, worked out, my family had no history of loss, not that I knew of at the time. Blaine was coming and I was nervous about having a boy. I wasn't sure I'd know what to do with a boy. I remember being at someone's house once and taking a boy to the bathroom with Abby and telling him to sit and go pee. And he looked at me like I was an idiot and said "I don't sit when I pee." I don't know! My life changed so much that January. I was suddenly the mother of two! I had the million dollar family. One boy and one girl. Isn't that what everyone dreams of? The house in the suburbs, the golden retriever, the boy and the girl. How quickly things changed. One year ago today I was in a bubble knowing that my first son was on his way.

Nine Months

Dear Blaine, it's hard to believe tomorrow is our nine month anniversary. It still feels so wrong. I should have carried you for nine months and then brought you home. Instead I have been living without you. I am so lucky to have your sister. She unknowingly has been a rock for me. And I know how blessed I am to be carrying your little brother. I still have not quite come to terms with the fact that I am carrying a child that only exists because you are not here. I wonder what your personality is like and if he will be similar. I don't really wonder how he'll feel learning about you, the one that came before. I know you will always just be a part of his life. He will probably think it's strange that other kids don't have big brothers in heaven! I know sis thinks it's special that she has her own angel. Even though I know I've lost track of how many weeks it's been and I don't formally recognize every passing month. But you know I think about it and I feel like I need to do something special tomorrow. Not a public thing. Just something for you and me. Like sis and I have our girly days. Not that nine months is really a landmark but it just seems a little more significant than eight or ten. It also brings me closer to a day I dread. Three months from tomorrow will be one year. I feel the dread already. I don't know what to do for you. I don't know how to celebrate or mourn the birthday of a baby that isn't with me. I know I have to do something. If I don't make it special I know I will end up sitting at home going insane. And I've been there done that!
Love you B, today, tomorrow and always.

30 Days Blitz!!

I think I got the photos backwards but anyways. The top photo is one of me recently. Not too recently, July 3rd. My hubby and I took a trip to Niagara Falls. It was a nice and needed weekend away.

The second photo is not quite ten years, six probably. It's me and my friend Kaili, chilling at a friends house, probably going out that night.

The bottom photo is one of me after Blaine. It is my favourite place in the whole world. Up at Papa's house! I love being up there, no work, no responsibility, relaxation, sleepy days. Can't wait to move up there one day!

Question 12 is something I am ocd about: I wouldn't say I'm normally OCD about anything. On my worst moments I tend to focus on trivial things like whether the fish tank will break and flood the appt or I'll check the balcony door a bunch of times and make sure it's locked. I find I get ocd when I'm losing control of important things in my life. Like when Blaine died. I started to focus on stupid little things that I knew I could control because I knew I couldn't control the important stuff.

Question 13 is a fictional book that is important to me since my loss: The Twilight series. If Renesmee can survive than surely I can have one more living child right?!? lol Seriously, not any really. I reread "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb and had a new appreciation for it but I don't think it's gained any more importance in my life.

Today is Blaine's 6 month angelversary! I thought I'd be more upset, that it would hit me harder. But I actually found myself thinking of all of the good moments I had. The enjoyment I got being pregnant with him. I missed him a little more today but in a good way, not in a fall to my knees "why me" kind of way. I cuddled with his ultrasound photo and fell asleep last night. I realized it was a long time since I had done that. I think the worst of my grief is over. I don't want Blaine's life to be remembered as this horrific moment in time when I thought I'd go mad. I want to focus on everything good that came out of it. I know I will see Blaine again so I just have to hold on to my good thoughts and wait. I'm sure it's not goodbye to all of the tough times completely. But I've realized that I'm strong enough to make it through. Eye on the prize!

Nothing Can Seperate Us

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, , nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 38, 39
posted today on Pray Date

Today has not been as bad as I thought it would be. Took my daughter to Karate this morning. Caught up on some shows I missed this week (thank goodness for pvr's) and had a nap. Bought a single sunflower at the flower shop and my daughter picked out a pink butterfly magnet. I'm having a friend over for dinner tonight and hubby is cooking a roast and all the fixins. She's bringing cupcakes. I sent my sister (not the evil one from FB who is my half sister but my stepsister who just had the baby) a copy of Blaine's footprints and memorial card. She texted me and said "thanks for the picture of my nephew." She called him her nephew!! I teared up of course. It was so sweet. It did make me feel guilty for not contacting her and asking about the new baby. I'll have to pick the baby up a little gift and let her know I'm thinking of her.
My biggest disappointment this week was that my pendant urn has not arrived in the mail yet. I really wanted to be wearing it by now. Hopefully it gets here Monday. I really don't need the drama if it gets lost in the mail or something.
Tonight I will be lighting a candle for my boy. And one for all of the other babies in Heaven who are keeping him company until Momma gets there.

Catching Up

I haven't felt like writing much this week. Although I've forced myself to do something since I said I would every day for 365. It would have been all sadness and bitterness anyway so I figured what was the point. This is going to border on that but be a ramble.
Today is 28 days since AF so I could be pregnant. I was thinking today that I really don't remember what pregnancy feels like. It feels like so long ago. Someone asked if I felt like I was having pregnancy symptoms but I really don't remember what they are. I kind of feel nauseaus but I also feel crampy. I don't know.
I got up on the subway the other day to offer my seat to a pregnant woman. But then some young girl offered hers so instead I ended up sitting beside the preggo. I made a joke about her taking a seat when she can because people rarely offer them and she replied "oh you must have kids then" Kids plural. And I said yes. And then we stared off into space. My mind was racing, I wanted so badly to warn her. To tell her that anyday now the *&^% could hit the fan. The baby could die. She could plummett into anguish. And then I had the urge to tell her all about my kids. I came to my senses though. After all no one really wants to sit and chat on the subway.
I don't feel as sad today or as angry. I feel really tired. The pressures and scrambler of this week has caught up to me. Saturday a friend of mine is coming over. I'm going to make a nice dinner and I've asked her to stop and pick up some cupcakes. I hope she remembers because we decided we wanted to do that for B.
I have so many blogs to catch up on this week. Usually I read them at work but I've been a little busy. And I've been trying to spend more time with hubby and our daughter in the evening. I keep thinking something is going to happen to her and if it does I'll really regret not playing a game with her or reading her a story before bed. I know thats catastrophizing but this is a rough week and my anxiety has come back full swing. I've pretty much been feeling the same as I did in May and June. Before the meds. Meds aren't working this week.

Tuesday Again? Oh Bloody *&^%

Today started off better than most. Due to a couple of early morning appts I had I actually got an extra half an hour sleep. Then it was off to therapy. Therapy session was brief. Mainly we talked about how amazing I am and how I really did it all on my own. I came into therapy with an action plan and have spearheaded my own recovery. I am the model patient. I couldn't love my therapist more at this point! So, we chatted for a bit and decided that while I would contact her if I had a relapse or needed to talk again, today would be my last official appt. I am no longer in crisis which is good but I will miss that quiet peaceful office. Then it was off to the psychiatrist. I'm not a big fan of this guy but whatever. We talked for a bit about how the meds are treating me. We talked about Blaine and how I was able to get him from the hospital and have him cremated. I did not mention to him that I sleep with the ashes although I did tell the therapist cause I know she gets it. I'm just more reserved talking to him because I feel like he might judge me. I'm sure he wouldn't but that's how I feel. I left the hospital feeling pretty darn good. Got to work. Started to go about my day. I snuck online of course to read some blogs. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Today is the 19th Tuesday. Every Tuesday will now have a number attached to it. Can't wait for the 543rd Tuesday. Today was the 19th Tuesday and I spent the exact moment of Blaine's death at the same hospital, on the same floor, talking about how much progress I've made in 19 weeks. And I was so concentrated on that that at the time I didn't even realize it. I had totally forgotten it was Tuesday. I forgot it was 8:40am. I forgot the only thing that seperated me from the scene of the crime was a corridor. So bye bye good day. I became increasingly agitated as the day wore on. Developed shoulder pain and headache. Hadn't the therapist just said how refreshed I looked? Puke. It didn't help that my IPOD battery died on me and so I had to listen to the drone of the keyboards clicking around me and the sound of people asking stupid questions. Thank God that this super nice guy I love at work brought me chocolate today. And my Mom who usually buys me lunch had plans and didn't invite me so I had to buy my own lunch! Okay that sounds like whining. But but but. I'm just frustrated that a great morning where I felt totally reassured and like I was making real progress turned into such a crappy afternoon. And that's how quick it is. One thought. One line on someone else's blog. One quick peek at the calendar. And I'm back scrambling around trying to find the sane girl again. And to top it off while I'm writing this I am talking to my sister on FB. Her and I are not really close. I love her and all and we get along but she lives in another province and we rarely rarely see each other. I'm talking every ten years rare. But still she is my sister. She is on my FB. I have a ticker on my FB that says "it's been blah blah blah since we said GOODBYE." I have an album of photos of Blaine's name which clearly is marked "Born and Died April 13, 2010" Almost all of my status updates are about finding strength in God or even "never thought she'd be so excited to pick up her sons ashes." One might think that even a casual observer might look at all of these things and think "Hmmm, did she lose a baby?" BIG LIGHTBULB GOING OFF ABOVE YOUR HEAD!!! or "Hmmm, several months ago I "liked" her status about being pregnant, wonder what's up with that?" I guess my sister never got it. She hasn't said one thing. NOT ONE THING. SHE HAS NOT SAID ONE THING. And here is the conversation we just had... the words in red were not part of the conversation but was what I was thinking at the time...

Her: hi elaine
7:03pm
Me : hey how are you doing? missing (her daughters name) I bet!!
7:04pm
Her: i am doing fine....i am missing her badly it was the hardest thing to do was saying goodbye (Really? I wouldn't know what that was like having)
7:05pm
Me : I see all of her facebook updates, she seems so grown up and like a very intelligent woman. You did an amazing job raising her.
7:11pm
Her: ya we did all i can tell you is teach them the right things and do as much as possable with them cause they grow up quick...(if they don't die first that is)
7:12pm
Me : we are trying to have another one but it's been a bit difficult since the baby died in April...can't seem to get pregnant for a third time! (ok maybe if I mention it she'll actually talk to me about it)
7:15pm
Her: yes i seen that on face book sorry for your loss...but for me baby day are over now i wait for grand baby hopefuly that is not for awail yet (really?)

ugh!!

It's Tuesday

Why does every week have to have a Tuesday in it. I hate Tuesdays. At this time 16 Tuesdays ago I had a little baby boy growing healthy inside of me. I was at work minding my own business. Probably eating a yogurt. At this time 15 Tuesdays ago that little baby boy was dead, whether it was a fluke or not ultimately it was my body that failed him. I was lying in a hospital bed crying. I was surrounded by people who love me and the only thing I wanted was my little nudger. The room was hot. It was a small room with the windows closed so it was stuffy. I could smell the sweat and the blood. I can still smell the blood. I was lying in my own blood. I had it on my legs. I was hooked up to the most annoying I.V. machine in the world. They had put the I.V. in wrong, up on the inside of my elbow instead of on my wrist. So, every time I moved my arm the machine beeped. I was on Oxytocin to make sure I passed all of the clots and whatever they give you in I.V. to keep you from being dehydrated (saline?). They had already stopped giving me the morphine. I wasn't in any more physical pain but the morphine had been quite nice. I remember the way it smelled sweet and like rubbing alcohol. It took the pain away, mentally and physically. If I didn't have a life to go back to I would have asked them if I could take a bucket of morphine home. I was still in my hospital gown. They said I could leave in a couple of hours. No point in staying now. Baby's dead anyway. Time to go home and get over it. All I wanted was a shower. I had to get the smell off of me. The smell of sweat and blood. The smell of blood will always make me think of death now. The baby was gone, the labour was almost painless. But now I had to get off that bed and go home and act "normal." Be strong, be brave, be a mother, be a wife. When all I want to be is with my son. I can still feel it. The way it felt when he slipped from my body. I didn't even have to push, he was so little. He just slipped out. I can feel it. I feel it all day. That sensation. I don't remember what it felt like to have my daughter. I remember talking about it afterwards, how he head squirmed out and I felt it. I guess with time my memory of that is gone. Maybe with time this memory will be too. But I hope not. I want to always remember it because it is the only time I got with Blaine. The time my body gave him life and the time my body took his life away.

Happy 3 month Birthday Blaine

Today is your 3 month angelversary. I can't believe it's been 3 months already since you left. But it also seems like a lifetime away. I still remember so vividly your strong kick and the special little flutter I felt. Were you having hiccups? Were you dancing? I miss you baby boy. I read this poem today and it made me think of you...as everything does. I would like to believe that you would say these words to me.

Oh Mother, my mother

Written by Unknown

I touched your tears invisble fingers soothing your skin I know you think of me so often in the day, in the night, in your dreams going into an empty nursery knowing I'll never be there but I am...in your heart in you soul, I shall always be for you gave so unselfishly of yourself. Inside of you, you created such a world for me a world of laughter, of love of sadness, of sorrow every emotion people come to know you shared with me. And even though I may never feel your arms around me I felt your heart beating, like a lullaby, singing me to sleep and your spirit giving me a safe haven already proctecing me nurturing me preparing me of things to come. But sometimes the journey of life pulls souls apartand yes, I had to go on to another place.I wish I could stay I wish this was a decision I could make and I know you do to. Know this wherever you are: I will always remember that yours was the first love the first joy, the first soul I will ever know you gave me courage to go on in my journey I hope I can do the same for you Your heart beat will always call me to you. Love, your child Momma loves you. Just like I tell Sis, all the way up to Heaven and back!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The Descent

This is one of only two photos I have of me pregnant. My husband and I started trying for our second child in December 2009. We were very lucky to get pregnant the first try and confirmed the pregnancy in January. I was extremely sick with nausea, exhaustion and body aches right away. But I was very healthy otherwise and the baby was thriving. I called him my little parasite, I felt like crap because he was draining all my nutrients. It was a good thing and I suffered with joy. I first felt the baby move at 8 weeks. A mouse ran across our living room floor and as I jumped a second later the baby jumped. It's like he knew from then on what he was physically capable of. Every couple of days from then on I'd feel a little jump. He became Momma's Little Nudger. I had my first ultrasound on March 15th. The ultrasound went perfectly. He was a stubborn little guy and was dancing around but wouldn't show the lab tech his back so it took a while. When the lab tech showed me the screen I swear to God my son waved. Yes, it was his hand moving up and down and most of you will think he didn't have any idea that he was making a waving motion. But I know how smart my son was!! He waved at his Momma. Maybe he knew it was the only time he'd get to say hello. I had my next doctors appt on April 5th, I took my little girl with me so she could hear the babies heartbeat. Boy, did he have a heartbeat. It was like a stallion romping around my uterus. The doctor said he sounded very strong and healthy, that his heart was powerful. I had a healthy little baby boy inside me. I had not yet confirmed he was a boy but I just knew. It's funny, with my daughter I wanted a boy, I always wanted a boy. But I knew right away she was a girl. This time around I wanted another girl, another little princess. But I knew within weeks I was having a boy. I was feeling stronger and was even working out again. On Sunday April 11th I woke up around midnight. I didn't know why I had woken. And then I realized I had a pain in my stomach. A minute later I had another. I went to the washroom and there was blood. The one thing you don't want to see when you're pregnant, blood. I tried to stay calm and went and told my husband. I felt another pain. This one was worse. And I knew what it was. Having gone through 17 hours of natural labour with my daughter I knew what a labour pain was. I called the hospital and they said to go to emergency, not the maternity ward because I was only 17 weeks along. This was not yet a baby to the hospital administrators. I started crying. My husband tried to calm me and I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that bad. Maybe they could give me some drugs and I'd stay in bed for the rest of my pregnancy. For anyone who knows me you know that's not such a bad thing, I like to sleep. We got to the hospital at about 1:30 am. I sat in the waiting room for about an hour and they got me into a room. The doctor came about an hour later. He took an ultrasound, he was optimistic, my baby was fine, still swimming around in there, still with that strong healthy heartbeat. It was the last time I would see my son on this Earth. The doctor who by the way had hands like a Sasquatch did an internal exam. I could tell by the look on his face even before he said it. "I'm sorry to tell you that you're having a miscarriage, you're three centimetres dilated." My husband and I both burst into tears. We held each other. I had him wait a couple of hours and then call my Mom who came to be with us. The next day is a blur. I was on morphine and oxytocin (which induces contractions). I couldn't eat or drink because they may have to do a D&C. I don't want an abortion and you may have to give me one to take my living baby out of my dying uterus. I couldn't deal with it. This doctor that was like 15 years old came in to "help" we named him Doogie. It was the only comic relief we got and I am thankful for Doogie. His awkwardness took some of the stress away. He did some work "down there" to help me along but then told me he didn't really know what to do and went to talk to his superiors. They decided to just keep me on the drugs and let me do it naturally. At about 10:30 that night, Monday the 12th Doogie and his superiors decided to unhook me from the machines and let me sleep the night. I was allowed to eat something and drink some water. My husband left to go home, he wanted to change and see our daughter who was thankfully with Grandma. I cried myself to sleep. My husband came back in the night and we slept til about 7:30. We lied in bed and talked. I'm not going to get into the details of what happened at 8:40 am. My baby was born and it is mostly a blur. I remember it like I remember a movie I once saw. The doctors were there, Dr Sasquath and Doogie and a female Dr who I imagine was Doogies Mother superior. We confirmed he was the boy I thought he was and he was perfectly formed. There was nothing wrong with him. There was nothing wrong with me. The doctor said this was a "fluke" I am supposed to take comfort in that. I do not. I don't take comfort in being part of the 1% of women that this happens to. Statistics are no longer a reliable way for me to make a decision. We went home from the hospital at about noon. My parents and sister took us home. We are trying to get pregnant again, trying to heal, trying to move on with our lives. Trying to parent our little princess. It breaks my heart because she doesn't know what happened but she sees me sad sometimes and she's seen me cry. And she asks me why and I can't tell her, can't explain it to her. I can't explain it to anyone. When you're baby dies inside you you are ultimately alone in that pain. Thank God I have my husband to hold me up, my daughter to make me laugh, my online friends who are part of this sad sad club to comfort me and listen to my rants, my faith in God to preserve me. At least on the outside I can keep it together another day.