I haven't felt like writing much this week. Although I've forced myself to do something since I said I would every day for 365. It would have been all sadness and bitterness anyway so I figured what was the point. This is going to border on that but be a ramble.
Today is 28 days since AF so I could be pregnant. I was thinking today that I really don't remember what pregnancy feels like. It feels like so long ago. Someone asked if I felt like I was having pregnancy symptoms but I really don't remember what they are. I kind of feel nauseaus but I also feel crampy. I don't know.
I got up on the subway the other day to offer my seat to a pregnant woman. But then some young girl offered hers so instead I ended up sitting beside the preggo. I made a joke about her taking a seat when she can because people rarely offer them and she replied "oh you must have kids then" Kids plural. And I said yes. And then we stared off into space. My mind was racing, I wanted so badly to warn her. To tell her that anyday now the *&^% could hit the fan. The baby could die. She could plummett into anguish. And then I had the urge to tell her all about my kids. I came to my senses though. After all no one really wants to sit and chat on the subway.
I don't feel as sad today or as angry. I feel really tired. The pressures and scrambler of this week has caught up to me. Saturday a friend of mine is coming over. I'm going to make a nice dinner and I've asked her to stop and pick up some cupcakes. I hope she remembers because we decided we wanted to do that for B.
I have so many blogs to catch up on this week. Usually I read them at work but I've been a little busy. And I've been trying to spend more time with hubby and our daughter in the evening. I keep thinking something is going to happen to her and if it does I'll really regret not playing a game with her or reading her a story before bed. I know thats catastrophizing but this is a rough week and my anxiety has come back full swing. I've pretty much been feeling the same as I did in May and June. Before the meds. Meds aren't working this week.
2 comments:
Here from LFCA, and a fellow BLM (though now pregnant again). I'm thinking of you and Blaine today ... and while there is nothing that can bring him back, hoping that you can find some small way to be kind to yourself this weekend.
Here from LFCA, thinking of you as you remember this sad date and think of your bay Blaine.
I lost a baby at 15 wks in April, there is no pain like this.
Thinking of you and sending love your way.
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