Blaine is Still With Us

I thought I'd just quickly check my email.  I never check my email when I'm at my parents house but it had been a couple of days, I just had my coffee and Abby was playing contentedly.  A quick email check.  I opened my email and the first one I noticed was from a name I didn't recognize and the subject line was simply "Blaine."  I figured it was another BLM who was sending me a surprise name photo.  I opened it and started to read and then 5 little words popped out at me "Blaine is still with us."  I reread that line over and over.  How can this be?
Backtrack for those of you who have not read our story.  When Blaine was born we walked away without him.  Because of baby killing laws in my country you don't have to make funeral arrangements for babies born under 20 weeks.  With me being in shock I had no idea what to do so we just left him at the hospital.  I regretted this decision immediately.  I spent the next few months desperate.  What happened to him?  Where was his body?  Every time I looked at the smoke stack that sticks up from the hospital I wondered if he had been burned with the medical waste.
I got in touch with a woman named Cyndi from a local bereavement group.  She did her best to try to get me any information, an u/s photo, photo of his body, anything.  And then, like manna from Heaven, my own personal miracle came in the form of an email, from a nurse at the hospital.  Forget the parting of the red seas, this was bigger than walking on water or turning water into wine.  For an "unexplained" reason Blaine had been embalmed in a jar in the lab at the hospital and then forgotten about.  4 months later he was still there.  Yes, if you were wondering, babies under 20 weeks who are not taken home are disposed of with the medical waste.  Not at the hospital, they are taken off site.  I found this out after I had him back.  This unfortunately happened to a family I met in the bereavement group.  But Blaine had been "missed."
These 5 words probably saved my sanity.  I have no idea where I would be mentally right now if I had found out he had been disposed of with someone's infected liver.  I have to credit Cyndi who worked so hard to help me and then Shelly at the hospital who found him and contacted me.  The funeral home was amazing, so caring and compassionate.  I had to make all of the arrangements myself, the funeral home manager was the one who came with me and stood beside me as I viewed Blaine's little body in his beautiful white casket.
My husband, Cyndi, Shelly and the funeral home manager all tried to figure out why Blaine was still there.  Not that any of us were complaining but what happened?  I didn't care.  I, like Tebow, am not afraid to bend a knee.  I know whose work this was.  God kept Blaine there at the hospital until I was ready to meet him.  He knew his plans for me, not to hurt me but to make me prosper.  (Jeremiah 29:11)  He knew as I stood looking at the little body that seemed to have just fallen from my womb that one day I would need this.  That one day returning my son to me would return his daughter to Him.

Face 2 Face

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of meeting another BLM in person, I highly highly recommend you do.  Either through meeting an online friend or attending a local bereavement group.  There is a reason why Trekkies get together; why swingers have their own clubs; why jocks hang out at sports bars.  There is a lot to be said about being around like minded, like experienced people.  We attended a group but stopped when I became pregnant.  I didn't miss it at first but I sort of do now.  I love getting together with my sisters of loss.  Even when we don't talk about our babies they are there.  We could be chatting about a movie or book but Blaine is in the room, their babies are in the room. 

If you have not checked out Jack at Random, he has a post today about the group he attends.  He says it far more eloquently than I can.  http://www.jackatrandom.com/2011/09/hi-my-name-is-josh-and-i-have-dead-baby.html

"They are young and old, african american and caucasian and hispanic and asian, married and single, years removed from their loss and months removed from their loss. Their broken bodies and broken hearts enter the room from around the city, from incomplete families and empty cribs, from lives that they didn’t imagine. And while I can hardly remember their names and I know next to nothing about their backgrounds, or where they work or where they live or what kind of people they are, I do know one thing: Their babies died too."  ~ Jack

Gone Too Soon

I just returned from a wonderful event hosted by Dana and Jackie. It was a family picnic and balloon release to recognize all of our babies, gone too soon, born beautiful. It was nice to spend some time with "my people." lol

It was nice to see Dana and Jackie and there was a couple there that we went to group with back in the beginning. It was good to see them again.

Here are some photos:

Blaine's Butterfly Release

me and Abby releasing the butterfly and Abby holding it

Yesterday we sort of attended the PBSO Butterfly Release. I say sort of because we were late. I stupidly thought it started at 11:30 not 11 and so we got there and they had already released them. We were told we were too late. Needless to say I started to have a breakdown. How can I screw up one of the few things I get to do for Blaine? Hubby talked to someone though and they had extras not yet released so they gave us one. Phew! Sissy and I released them and then hubby and her chased it around taking pics. Then it met a friend and they flew away together, swirling around each other almost like they were dancing. I immediately thought of so many of my BLM sisters. Thinking that it had to be one of Blaine's friends. I feel so relieved that we got one to release but feel like a total idiot for mixing up the times and almost ruining the day for us. Who am I kidding, it would have ruined my whole week.

30 Days of Questions - Day One

A recent photo of myself:

15 "interesting facts about myself" Not sure how interesting these will be...

1. I love vampire stories, all of them, even cheesy ones like V.D.


2. I am the mother of three


3. I have had the same favourite band (Bluerodeo) since I was in grade nine, fell in love with them because the song of theirs that was popular at the time reminded me of my favourite book at the time.


4. I don't have a lot of friends and like to spend a fair amount of time alone, a luxury now that I'm married with children.


5. I've read thousands and thousands of books. I'm a speed reader so if I have access to them I can read about two or three novels a week.


6. I hate wearing makeup and I don't wear high heels although I still consider myself girly.


7. I like a lot of the shows my daughter "forces" me to watch and find myself laughing at the stupid jokes almost everytime.


8. There are some things I know I cannot live without: my hubby, my kids, God, coffee and chocolate.


9. I have become one of those annoying parents who takes a hundred pics of their kids a day and thinks everyone else wants to look at them.


10. I am a country girl and would give up this city life in a second, pack it all up and head up north.


11. My dream car is a bright pink pick up truck!


12. I watch one soap opera, GH, religiously. I had my hubby buy a PVR just to record that one show while I am at work so I don't miss anything. It's the only soap I can stand but I can't miss it!


13. I am an only child but I have three step siblings and three half siblings. That might not make sense.


14. I would much rather lie on a beach, watching the kids play in the surf, drinking margheritas, than soak up "culture" in some European city or check out ancient ruins somewhere. That to me sounds like work.


15. I never in my life thought I would count "strangers" as my family or credit them for helping to save me on dark days. But here we all are.
    
    

Candle Lighting

Last night we attended a candle lighting service, hosted by our local bereavement group. It was much more emotional than I anticipated. I cried from start to finish, barely even able to coherently introduce Blaine as we lit our candle. Here is one of the poems that was read at the ceremony...

"I will light a candle for you" by Paul Alexander

And I will light a candle for you

To shatter all the darkness and bless

the times we knew

Like a beacon in the night

The flame will burn bright and

guide us on our way

Oh today I light a candle for you

The seasons come and go

And I'm weary from the change

I keep moving on, you know it's not the same

And when I'm walking all alone

Do you hear me call your name?

Do you hear me sing the songs we used to sing?

You filled my life with wonder

touched me with surprise

Always saw that something special

deep within your eyes

And through the good times and the bad

we carried on with pride"

Dove Release

Today we attended a dove release organized by PBSO. They are a bereavement group that hubby and I attend twice a month. I have really enjoyed going to this group and the other parents are very supportive and kind. Hubby and I were joined by Big Sis, Grandma (my mom) and one of my good friends who is also my daughter's Godmother and would have been one of Blaine's "Aunties." It was a really sweet event. We walked through the graveyard, quite a walk actually since we didn't really know where we were going. We joined with the group and then we all walked to the Children's Memorial Garden. The background of this garden is heartbreaking and makes me all the more fortunate to have had my miracle reunion with Blaine's body. Back around 40 - 60 years ago, maybe longer, hospitals would take the babies that died and bury them all in the same spot in this graveyard. The graves are unmarked and the hospitals didn't keep records. So, they're not quite sure how many babies are there or who they belong to. One woman, 45 years ago, lost her preemie son. He lived for 4 days. She was not allowed to see him or hold him. When he died the doctors told her he would be buried in a coffin with a woman who had just died. Can you imagine? She was obviously upset about this and didn't give up. She found out the truth, that her son has been buried somewhere in this plot with all of these other babies. So, she set out on a mission of her own. She created the garden in memory of all of these lost children. It's very sad and you really feel as you walk towards it that you are somewhere sacred. I can't imagine living back then. When the doctors decided when or if you'd see your child, where your child would be buried and whether or not they told you the truth. It's really disgusting but I understand it was a different time and different mentality. I just know how it feels to not know where your child's body is. And it almost drove me mad. I read a poem at the release and only cried a little! I read the poem from Blaine's memorial card. My daughter stood beside me and she left a teddy bear in the garden, she said "we're leaving it for Blaine." I met a fellow BLM there who I only know on FB. And most of our support group was there. So, it was a comfortable place to be. Afterwards we went and visited my maternal grandparents who are buried at the cemetary. No one has visited them in 23 years so we couldn't even find the plaque it was covered in grass. But hubby found it and unearthed it. We agreed to come back in the spring and clean it up and bring flowers. I don't know where my grandparents souls are but I really hope they're with Blaine.
It was a good peaceful day and I liked spending it focused on him. I do feel like I neglected the little bean inside me though. I walked way too much and haven't eaten much today so I have to spend tonight on her (I've decided I'm having a girl, I knew at about this time with Abby and Blaine too so I'm sure I'm right). I'm still deciding how much of the bean to discuss on here. I want to keep this Blaine's place. His "blogshrine." But I can't deny the fact that much of my thoughts and feelings about this pregnancy stem from losing Blaine. I also want to be sensitive to people reading this. But I can't write for a reader, I have to write for myself. So, I will have to figure it out as I go along.
Thank you to Jill for giving me the One Lovely Blog Award!! I'm deciding whether this entitles me to choose ten more!!

Loneliness

I really have no reason to be lonely. I am surrounded everyday by people who care about me and only wish me the best. But I can't shake that feeling. Maybe it is because my EDD is approaching and I am not pregnant, not with Blaine and not with Pheonix (what I call my rainbow baby). I went out Tuesday night with a friend for wine and dessert. It was really really nice. Just two moms chatting about work and kids. Even Blaine. She even toasted to him which I thought was really sweet. And she didn't act weird when I teared up. And she didn't cringe when I said "dead baby." I had lunch with two work friends yesterday and when I mentioned Blaine they got quiet and put their heads down. I know there's a huge difference between work friends and real life friends so I didn't expect to have the same conversation with them. But I didn't expect them to get so uncomfortable. When I mentioned my daughter they asked me questions and wanted to know all about her. Well that's not far. If you don't want to hear about one of my children then you can't ask about either of them. All or nothing. We had our group therapy Wednesday night and it was nice. I got to tell them all about Blaine's ashes and one mother asked me to describe them to her since she has her daughter's ashes but has never opened the box. I described them in great detail just like a proud mother would describe her beautiful child. So, in general I had a pretty decent week but can't seem to shake this feeling of loneliness. Maybe this weekend at my father in laws will help. It's such a calming enviroment. This morning I've been working on feeling closer to God. If anyone can cure my loneliness it's him. I've always liked songs that remind me of God but are contemporary pop or country songs. This morning I've been thinking of this one by Miley Cyrus (eye roll inserted here).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wxOVn99FTE&ob=av3e

Today is just Blah

I went to my first group meeting last night with a Bereavement support group. It was very emotional. I sit here for hours reading blogs from other baby loss momma's and hearing stories but I don't actually have to see the look on the faces of these women. Last night was hard. It's hard to sit in a room with 5 other women and see the pain. To see the tears and the grief. And all I wanted to do was have a big group hug. But that would have been kind of weird right? I'm glad we went though and we will go again for sure. I think it got my husband questioning some things. He was very talkative this morning which isn't normally his style. He normally listens to me and says the reassuring things I need to hear. He's not one to sit and pour out his feelings. That's what I was hoping. I was hoping that having him around some other dads would kind of get his brain processes going. Last nights discussion was on how men and women handle grief differently. I don't think I really learnt anything. Last night was our first night so I was just a little overwhelmed by the experience. I gave a very very brief synopsis of why we were there. During it I said "and we have a living daughter at home who's five." It didn't faze me but then we got in the car to come home and it hit me. I turned to my husband and said "I never thought I'd describe Abigail as my 'living child'." That was tough.

Today I saw my therapist but really didn't have much to say. I'm just in a blah kind of mood today. I don't really want to talk about. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to do anything but eat ice cream and watch t.v. But that's not really productive. All I've been eating lately is toast and ice cream. I think I've actually lost weight so I may start a blog about it and see if I can market it as a specialty diet!!

I stopped by the gift shop at the hospital and decided to buy myself something for Blaine. So I got a really nice butterfly candle holder. I don't have a proper table or anything for his stuff yet so I've got his memory box on my dresser in the bedroom and I've got a painting for him and some knickknacks on the t.v. stand in the living room. I want to get like a little square console table to have in the corner of the living room and put all of Blaine's stuff on it. And then hope Sissy doesn't knock it over with a ball or something!! This is probably going to be a debate between my hubby and I as he made a comment before that we should keep this stuff in our room. But I want it in the living room so I can see it and so when people come over they will see it. I know he's not trying to hide it, he just thinks it's more private. But no one comes to our house except family so I want them to know I'm still thinking of him and that he's a part of the family and we're just as proud to call him our son as we are to call Abigail our daughter.

I am also thinking of having a little service for Blaine in October, that will be the 6 month mark. I've heard bad things about the 6 month mark so I want to be prepared with something special. We never had a funeral but I don't think I want anything that formal. Any ideas anyone?